How Do I Explain - Bakersfield,CA

This sounds so much like my first marriage. I had a son from a previous relationship that was 3 when we got married... 4 when we divorced. The worst part was that I had tried to hard to build him up in my son's eyes... I wanted him to like him. My main "reason" when I told him why, was that "M. and ??? faught too much and weren't very happy together anymore... now there will be no fighting and we can all be happy."
I would swear we were married to the same man! Where are you?

I've been in a similar situation. I just recently split from a man who was the same way. We were together for six years and have a four year old daughter together. The way I explained it to my daughter was that "Daddy and I love you very much but we are much better at being friends." If you approach the subject in a similar fashion maybe it'll help ease the transition. Some kids tend to blame themselves, thinking that they did something wrong, this way will lay the blame at nobody's feet.

You know.. I recently went threw the same thing. But I put up with it for 10yrs. I have a 3 yr old which this is hard on her because she doesn't understand but I also have a 9 yr old and he gets it. The way I explained to him is I have had a series of conversations. I started off each day asking him about his day at school and when a conversation came up that I knew I could relate to him on I went with it. For instance, when he said that Bobby Joe made fun of him today or teased him for not shooting the basketball correctly. I would ask him, how did that make you feel? He would respond by telling me that it made him mad, or hurt his feelings. I would ask him what he thinks he should do about it. As a 9 yr old would respond he would say 'I should kick his butt'.
I told him 'No that's not an ok way to treat someone either, you treat people the way you want to be treated.' Then I would give him options of new different choices. Like well if you don't play basketball well together, why don't you find someone else to play basketball with that treats you nicer, or what is another game you like to play. Do you like to play kickball? or Do you like to play in the sand area?
As I would talk to my 9yr old, I would revert back to his expierences so he could relate to my feelings. Like 'remember when Bobby Joe made fun of you the other day and it hurt your heart. Well..'(insert your husbands name) kinda did the same thing to me, and it hurt my heart as well. I would explain to him that grown ups make bad choices too, and that all grown ups are, are grown up big kids. Choices have consequences and when daddy chooses to not talk nice to mommy the consequences is my heart is broken, and that talking ugly to someone is not ok. Let him know that you love your husband but that the way he talks to you and the way he treats you is not ok, and that until he can learn how to choose his words better, mommy and daddy can't play together, just like he (your child) might not play with Bobby Joe until he decides to play nicer on the basketball court.
I know it seems long and drawn out, but for me, I believe a child can understand a situation better if you can relate it to them on their level. Answer all his questions honestly, don't hide anything from him, but he only needs to know the details on an age appropriate level. (meaning like I explained relating to him on his expierences in his everday life) That way as you answer the questions honestly and age appropriately he will be able to clearly understand the situation and in turn that will eliminate confusion.

The most important thing is to let them know by any means it was not their fault. Children personalise things so deeply, and if you sugar coat it, they dont believe its something they have no control over. Do not lie to them, it only belittles their personalities and makes them feel tiny in a large world. Just tell them the truth, that the only one at fault is the man and he had /has a problem that he needs help with.

Congrats by the way, for getting out of the situation and thinking of your children first!!!

Hi N., you did the right thing and getting your children out of that environment.just because he was verbaly doesn;t mean it could of went into physical.what I told my children was that both of us loved them very much and that they had nothing to do with me leaving their dad, but that we could not live together anymore because we could not get along with each other, and that we thought it was best that we no longer lived together.but you can still go and see daddy.but with your case I don't know what you will be doing with the children in reguards to him because it sounds like he is not the father.but I would tell them if they will be seeing him anymore or not.good luck to you.

Hi N.. I know you must be hurting even though your heart tells you enough is enough. An abusive realtionship is never easy to get out of. Just be honest with your children. Tell them that you and your ex are not friends anymore. Tell them he hurt you ( not that he hit you or anything) and that right now you have to move on with your life. Your 6 yr. old is bound to understand alot more....children are alot smarter than we give them cradit for. Just be honest becsuse if your not, he will pick up on that a be mad at you. Remeber that you are doing what is best for you and your children:do not feel guilty!! I wish you lots of luck during this hard time. Put your faith in God that this will be alright. Best Wishes, T.

Dear N. D,

Although I know I do not have all the facts of the issue you have with your husband, I think that you shouldn't give up so soon. You should try counceling first and if you can't afford to go to someone the church always has someone to talk to. There are books to read too, but you both have got to want to try to make it work. Don't give up before you have even tried. Most marriages end because one or the other refruse to try. What ever your choices are today will be remembered by your children and will reflect how they choose to handle their own situations when they arise.

I am sorry to here about the situation you are in. I also found myself in somewhat of a similar one in the past. I was with my ex for over 4 years. I also had a son by him. All through the relationship he was abusive both mentally and physically. My son was about 18 months when I left. I went to court so custody but he had supervised vistitation which he never showed up to. I found a wonderful man and when we married he adopted my son he was 5 by then. We had to tell him what we were going to do. How I explained it is that some people who are together can not get along and they are better off not being together. Granted my son was older but he is diganosed with an autism disorder so he remembers everything! He didn't remember much of his "donor" (my name for my ex) but he does remember him hurting me. I told him yes he did hurt me but he never hurt him. Just be truthful with the kids and let them know that you have to do everything in your power to make sure they grow up in a safe, loving, and positive home. I know it will be hard but you can do it. Good luck and though now you are not looking to find your special someone... he is out there. I found mine. Good luck

Well, I have recently had the same problem. My ex was verbally abusive among other things, but he was the father of my two young daughters. Good for you to show your children that isn't how people treat each other. You are very brave and should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work! You are worth it.

But, I took my girls to therapy, and I also went to my own counselor, who started the D.V. rehab center in Salem. She is very well known and respected in her field and this is what she told me to say(along wth the counselor for the girls);"Daddy(step-daddy)couldn't be responsible with his behavior, so we had to leave. People who love each other show respect and caring and he didn't. It is my job to take good care of you and show you how to be responsible, so now we don't live with daddy anymore." Follow with the I love yous and will always take care of you.

Usually I find that satifies my oldest. But if she keeps asking, I just repeat it. They need not know details, just like you said, talking bad isn't a good thing, but giving them correct information is a good thing.

Good luck!

Sounds like you are telling them fine. How much can kids that old understand? I think by keeping it out of negativity you are actually helping them learn that just because two people no longer get along doesn't mean you have to rip the heck out of each other. The only other thing I might add is that big people sometimes change and just don't love each other like they did when they first met. So I personally think you are doing fine as is and sorry to hear that this man felt is was ok to be abusive after you were married that is totally wrong and so sorry!

All you can do is be honest without putting the kids in the middle. Good Luck!

N., This is easy. First off kids are smarter than you think and they know WAY more than you think. So even though the soon to be ex was always nice to them, he was verbally abuseing you. Verbally, which means that they can hear that too. The kids can also sence the change in you. You may not realize it but they do. So my advice is to sit them down and explain to them that you and the ex dont get along anymore and have decided to go move on, and that mommy and them are going to live with grandma for a while. They are young so it doesnt have to be extensive. I hope this helps. Ive been in almost the same situation.

I'd go with "Sometimes even though two people like eachother a lot they just can't live together."
If your son goes to public school you can bet he knows at least two other children with divorced parents in his class.
Just be as patient with them as possible, they're going to be dealing witha big adjustment too. Welcome their questions and answer them as honestly as you can.
"But do you still love him?" Could be answered with "I care about him very much." or something similar.
This is a hard one, take it easy on yourself.
Good luck!
-K.

First, you should be proud of yourself that you put your children first and moved on. Now is the time to start over. As for explaining things to your children, I don't htink you have to tell them every little detail. They are too young to understand at least the youngest one is. Maybe tell them that even though we don't live together anymore we are still friends and that's just better for everyone.
Hope this helps!
Good Luck and remember today is new day for a better life for all of you.
Oh and there's other fish in the sea!!! The right one will come along soon!

DON'T DO IT! DON'T DIVORCE! It is way too soon to get divorced after you've been with him for a whole year and only months married! I'm in the saaaaame situation you are right now and believe me it hasn't been easy! One thing I can assure you though, I'm a mother of two also (7 and 3 yrs. old... from my first marriage of 7 yrs.) It is not easy telling your children 'things didn't work out' AGAIN after you have been with 2 or more men! I went through it with their father and now that I'm married again, even though I just want to scream and run away sometimes... children can't be asked to understand separation because they desire stability in their family and its not a good message if your children don't learn to endure each other in love and forgiveness. I guess what I'm trying to say is.. Really sit down and evalue what you want in your life.. What can guarentee this situation won't happen again in the future with another man?? If your children love him, give your marriage a chance. NOBODY said its going to be easy! Good things never come easy. Do you love your husband? Does he love you? Have you really given your marriage all the chances it could use? We aren't perfect but I'm sure both of you have hurt each other. A problem comes from two people not just one and while I'm guessing you might not think I understand, I may not exactly because only you know what your going through, but I know what it feels to be in an abusive relationship and then see positive changes out of it =) CHIN UP! ITS NOT TOO LATE! I like that you don't speak bad of your husband to your children.. if you have to speak of him.. always speak with the truth. TAKE CARE AND BLESSINGS!

Dear N.,

I think that you have the right idea about not speaking badly about you soon to be ex. You do not have to explain very many details, but if you could skirt the issue, or maybe get to the core of the issue - you are doing this, in part, to keep the children from having a lot of trauma in their young lives - which is eventually what will happen.

I had a sort of similar situation, and I just told people that 'it didn't work out', which was silly because we had been married 29 years and 11 months when we separated. I did not explain much more than that. Just say to the children that you decided that this would be better for all of you if you and 'Dad' lived apart. I know that this is not much help, but, you now know what I did.

Sincerely, C. N.