I am engaged to be married it all happend really fast but I have known him for ever and love him lots. We are also planning to have a child of our own, but he has a child with another woman she lives in florida and he did not even know about the little boy until oct of 06. The boy is now 8 years old and he has seen him once where he spent 4 months with him. Other than that the contact is limited the mother will change numbers and addresses and let my fiance know them only when she is trying to butt in on a relathionship trying to get him back he has told her this will never happen and she is crazy want let it go we get text messages and phone calls at all hours of the day and noe of them are about the little boy is personal things or comments about her or there past. I am haveing problems dealing with this am i being selfish or what should i do. This has really been going on strong now for 2 months and he has only talked to the little boy 3 times since it all started. HElp!!!!
D.,
If the child is his does he want custody of him? She doesn't sound like a very stable person, she moves and changes her number, introduces him to somebody she says is his dad leaves him there for 4 months and that's it? If it is his child you might want to consider getting custody.
First of all, if he hasn't done a paternity test, he needs to do that. Wouldn't it suck for you guys to be going through all this & it not even be his!! 2nd, It is going to be really hard to make someone else GROW UP! & she probably is getting the attention she needs from you just by your reaction. Have you asked her to not contact you guys unless it's pertaining to his son? You could even go as far as getting a restraining order - one that states that the only time she can call is this day @ this time so that the child can talk to his father, or if there is an EMERGENCY....make sure she understands what that is too!!! With this, you guys can still child-swap when he comes to visit, but she would be required to have someone with her. You might want to look more into it....being HARRASSED by someone's ex is not an easy/fun thing...especially when the ex is your partners!! Good Luck hon!
as costly as it will be, he needs to get it in writing when he see's and talks to his son, get it in writing that she cannot commicate with him , in any way, only the boy can call and write, that way if she keeps doing that, you can get a restainng order against her,
I had a similar situation and the ex caused a lot of problems that ended up really hurting us in the long run - we are currently seperated and will be getting a divorce in several months. My advice to you is this...the ex is not always the "crazy" one. She may be warning you. That's how it was in my case but I just didn't want to listen. My husband was the liar, not her. Just be very careful.
Well my advice is simple, just tell your fiance how you feel. And let him know that it is his responsibilty to make you feel comfortable in this situation. I don't know how outcoming and forward you are but, if your husband is not going to take control of HIS situation than you need to. Talk to his ex woman to woman. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you might be surprised what she has to say. Find out from her why she waited so long to tell him about their son and why she feels so hurt and abandoned. I am sure it's more to the story than you know at this time, FIND OUT!!! No matter what she says keep your composure, comments and attitude to your self. Remember she can be immature but you are the mature woman in the situation. A conversation is worth having a happy marriage.
Wow it sounds like hard times ahead. It's OK you have to be patient and smarter that the ex. For starters is your soon to be hubby 100% is sure the child is his? DNA!! 2nd. How does your soon to be hubby feel about her? The truth is as you may already know, when 2 people have a child there is a bond forever as long as both are decent parents. Unavoidable! HOWEVER please don't blame the poor guy it's not his fault unless he's provoking her.
Dealing with the EX:
Stand your ground. Tell him to speak to her and to put her in her place. And out of respect be also give her her place as his sons mother. If not then you speak to her. Basically let her know that you respect the fact that they have a child and that she needs to respect the fact that: you are about to marry him, that there are appropriate times to call and that for the sake of the child, she should try to be a peaceful as possible with you. Considering the fact that when ever the child visits you will be the motherly figure at home. But of course you are not trying to replace her. No matter how up-set she makes you, don't show her that she is up-setting you. Got it!! Good luck!!
I agree with Kaydi that a paternity test is definately a must! Also, your fiancee needs to get a lawyer, especially if the child is truly his son, to have a legal agreement between both parties that should address custody, child support, what is expected from both parents, etc.
Also, if he is really your fiancee's son think long and hard about how that will affect your marriage. This woman sounds like she has an evil spirit and that could definately put a wedge in your relationship and cause difficulties later. If you are having serious reservations about marrying him right now, a couples counselor, priest, preacher, etc. could help you and your man sort out any issues before you say "I do".
Hi D.,
I have a girlfriend who is going through something similiar and all I can say is that it goes with the territory and something that you will need to address with your fiance but something you will also need to learn to deal with. The childs mother is seeking for control over your fiance. He will need to address this with her, let her know that he will only discuss issues that pertain to the child in question and if she begind to discuss other things then he will let her know that she has gone off topic and he will not discuss those issues with her but he his happy to discuss his son. It also sounds like he needs to get a court order that states she needs to provide him with a phone number and address to that he can continue to have free contact with him to build on his relationship with him and if she won't do that then he will have to take her to court to try to enforce it or seek custody.
Hope this helps!!
