How Do I Break the News??

Updated on March 31, 2008
T.A. asks from Columbia, MD
28 answers

I just landed a great job. Great area, great place to live, wonderful place to work. The school my kids would go to is one of the best in the county. My special needs kids would have world class treatment at Kennedy Krieger.

I live in NJ. I'll be relocating to Maryland.

Problem? My family, who generally puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional, will freak. They cried when I moved from next door 4 miles away to another town. They told me I'd never amount to anything (I graduated on the dean's list) and a host of other things parents should never tell their kids. They didn't want me to move. They give my 4 and a half year old daughter bottles (yes, you read right, baby bottles to a 4 year old) when I'm out in spite of my protests. There's so much more, but you get the idea.

Ok, like I said, dysfunctional.

How do I tell them without burning bridges?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks so much for all the great advice!!

I broke the news last Thursday. My mom's blood pressure skyrocketed and she had a "mini-stroke". She's ok now but I"m getting the cold shoulder. I"ll take that over howling and gnashing of teeth.

We move at the end of the month, right after my oldest son's birthday.

Thanks again.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.S.

answers from Washington DC on

What's the worst that could happen: They yell at you, say horrible things to you, there's wailing and shouting, and they threaten to never speak to you, again.

Um, considering that they're giving baby bottles to a four-year-old, I'm wondering why they're allowed within ten feet of your children.

But okay, back to the freak show, already in progress: They're yelling, wailing, gnashing teeth, or they're dissecting you alive, telling you it's for your own good because you don't know what you're doing -- whatever it is that they do -- so that when you walk out of their presence, you have to reorient yourself: Okay, THIS is up, the sky IS blue, the earth IS round.

So what do you do about it? Well, first, I would make the disclosure low-key, without fan-fare, over the phone. "Well, dear, I have to go -- the movers are here." Second, if they appear at your doorstep, yelling and screaming or dissecting, you step around them, box in hand, because you have a moving van to pack. If they get ugly, tell them to leave.

(Right now someone is saying: WHAT?? They're your parents!! How can you do that to them! You never abandon family!)

That's right. You tell them to get out. Or if you're with them at a restaurant, you get up and leave. You're not going to their house because they don't know how to treat you. You're not leaving your children alone with them because by doing so, you're saying that what they're doing to your children is okay. You're not saying it out loud, but you are saying it, nevertheless.

Because you've grown up in this kind of family, you might not even be sure what kind of treatment you deserve. My suggestion is that when you get to Maryland, you find a good therapist and you and your husband get into therapy. Not because you're bad, but because living close to a dysfunctional family is kind of like being slowly brainwashed, and you will need some help to become unbrainwashed.

If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Here's a poem that to me absolutely captures what it's like to be from a dysfunctional family:

Your Mother Knows Wendy Cope. (2006) Poetry 187(5).

Your mother knows the earth’s a plane
And, challenged, sheds a martyr’s tear.
God give her strength to bear this pain –
A child who says the world’s a sphere!

Challenged, she sheds a martyr’s tear.
It’s bad to make your mother cry
By telling her the world’s a sphere.
It’s very bad to tell a lie.

It’s bad to make your mother cry.
It’s bad to think your mother odd.
It’s very bad to tell a lie.
All this has been ordained by God.

It’s bad to think your mother odd.
The world is round. That’s also true.
All this has been ordained by God.
It’s hard to see what you can do.

The world is round. That must be true.
She’s praying, hoping you will change.
It’s hard to see what you can do.
Already people find you strange.

She’s praying, hoping you will change.
You’re difficult. You don’t fit in.
Already people find you strange.
You know your anger is a sin.

You’re difficult. You don’t fit in.
God give her strength to bear this pain.
You know your anger is a sin.
Your mother knows the earth’s a plane.

************
Stop trying to convince your parents that the world is round. All that matters is that YOU know that the world is round, and you live accordingly. And that you don't need their permission to walk around in the world without worrying if you'll fall off the edge.

Your special needs children may still have their difficulties when all is said and done, but by living-by-example for them, and showing them that you're too valuable to be subjected to dysfunctional treatment, you're showing them that they are valuable too.

Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.J.

answers from Harrisburg on

So, I see you have already gotten great advice.I agree just to tell them and not to give them reasons on "WHY".It honestly is none of there business anyways.If you wish to tell them anything, I would say,"I have a great opportunity to give me myself, and my family the world, its what we deserve".Leave it at that.Your family will think of that phrase for weeks.LOL.Congrats on the new job, and your children are going to love the schools that provide them with what they need.I think that is wonderful.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I think the move will be great for you....just tell them and that is it ...maybe they will take what you say more seriously they seem like a negative influence anyway so go on and make your life even better...expecially since your children will be even better educated that would be enought of a good reason for me to move....

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.Y.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi, I wish I could give you words of wisdom but that's a crazy situation. My suggestion is to just tell them so that they don't find out from someone else. Give them a chance to get used to the idea. You need to do what's best for you and your children. I don't know how you tolerated their behavior for so long. The bottle feeding would have done it for me a long time ago. I can't believe that it's your family that is doing this...sounds like something in-laws would do. How does your husband feel about all this? I think you need to start putting your foot down with your family. I am surprised it hasn't affected your marriage. You sound like you've really got your life together. The distance may be good for you and your family. Good luck, I wish I could be more help to you.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.B.

answers from Dover on

With your proud head held high! Beth, I'm so proud of you for your accomplishments, despite the best efforts of your family to sabotage your self-esteem. Keep focused on what's important: your four children and husband. It sounds like all of your children will have improved education opportunities--that alone is worth the move, IMHO. But the distance from your "fun" family lol may actually improve your relationship with them. They clearly don't respect all the decisions you make as parents; with distance, they won't have as much visibility on the little things and may change their minds on what they do see during visits.

That said, this isn't about your "fun" family. It's about your immediate family and what you and your husband feel will benefit everyone. I suggest sitting your extended family down, giving them the facts without apology. This is key here, otherwise it makes you seem unsure of your decision and invites guilt trips, discouragement, etc. Have confidence in your decision and know that your heart is leading you in the right direction. Your confidence in your decision may not ease things with your family, but it will give you courage to do what you need to do for your children--like a good mother would do. And believe me, I know this is easier said than done! : )

God bless you, Beth, and I wish you and your family so much happiness!

D.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.R.

answers from Washington DC on

Sorry to hear that your family is psycho, but it sounds like the move is the best thing for you and your family. There is no reason why you should feel like you have to explain your actions. Since you already know they are going to freak, you might as well just let them know you're moving and it's for the best for you and your family, period end of story. You have no control over how they are going to react but you're doing the right thing regardless of what they say. If anyone will be burning a bridge, it will be your family if they decide to go even more psycho on you, but hopefully they will get over it. My family is kind of crazy too, we live 1100 miles away and moving is one of the best things I ever did. Good luck and I hope the move brings some peace to you and your family's life.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.H.

answers from Harrisburg on

My advice would be to wait until you've completed the move. If you can get it completed without them finding out. They sound like controlling, abusive jerks to me. Sever as much ties as you can with them because they are not a positive influence with your children and they do not respect your wishes whatsoever. But hey that's my opinion.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

L.N.

answers from Washington DC on

you know, you're a sweetheart to even sweat over this. if it were me i would have long ago put my foot down on these things. it's ok if a mom wants to give her 4 year old the bottle, but mom says no and grandfolks do it anyhow? i'd be going nuts on them
i agree. tell them, not in a way like what do you all think, but more like a statement. and less you give reasons for moving you're better off. i have come to find out with my family that once i start giving reasons/excuses why this and that then they go on the offense butr when i make a statement they get it it's done and no one has a say in it but me
good luck beth. you'll do great
vlora

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.L.

answers from Washington DC on

Just tell them. Sure it will be hard to do it and sure they will go crazy. Just keep in mind it is what is best for you and more important, it is what is best for your children. They are now you primary responsibility and when you have a child you commit to giving them the best and doing what it best for them.

I live in Baltimore County and I know how great a resource Kennedy Krieger is. If your family can't understand why it is so important to you, then they are not "giving" you the opportunity you deserve to be the best. I wouldn't be concerned about "burning bridges" if it is going to hold you and your children back from what you all can have. Your family will come around eventually if they really love and care for you and your children.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.F.

answers from Philadelphia on

You just have to tell them and let them deal with it. Hate to say it but maybe this bridge is best burnt. Doesn't sound like they do whats best for the kids anyway.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.G.

answers from Washington DC on

obviously if you want to keep your relationship with your kids this move is the right thing to do

and in my opinon any one who tells you you are no good especially with your grades (deans list i am jellous) then you dont need that type of input for your kids.

you need to keep inmind are they going to pay for the things that this job could give you if not then you need to get the job.

if they are a family that is worth having then it is a family that is understanding.

i am a military spouse, and moving away from good friends and family is hard but moving away from negative friends is easy.

one of two things will come of you telling them that you are moving and actually moving

they either wont ever talk to you again or they will come a round in time and see that you did the right thing.

good luck

ps i live in odenton md. its not so bad here.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Dover on

Beth,
Just tell them if they love you they will understand. If they protest, Then they dont really care about your choices, which obiouslyl sound like good ones, because you landed yourself a goodnew job, which you should be proud of. As for burned bridge your married and adult you dont need permission to do any of this. As you said your special needs children would be in the Greatest of care and schools I aplaude you for taking these chances. Someday your family will understand if they berate you or your children any longer then im sorry to say its not healthy for you or for them to be around them. Im not saying cut them off totally....But I think you understand my meaning. It sounds to me as if And you said you made the deans list in college ect...They are jelous of you and what seems like some good fortune that has finally come your way. Dont stress over it its not good for You Hubby or the kids....
Find your house in MD get settled and Start to make your mark. Hey who knows I live it delaware we could be neighboors i am only right down the road a piece from MD..

Have a Great NewYears.
M. C

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.

answers from Philadelphia on

Well, what can you really do? You tell them without gloating :) But you have to remember that you are not responsible for their reaction and you cannot control it no matter how hard you try to make them happy. Relocating might be the best for you and your kids especially if they refuse to respect you as a mother ( that is HUGE with me). Boundaries are healthy!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.R.

answers from Washington DC on

Guess what Beth? Time to tell them to grow up without you!! I went through this about 5 years ago with my parents when I moved from TX to MD. Put it this way, it is better for your children, with the schools and the care your special angels will receive. After all, they do want the best for them dont they?

As for the bottle to the 4 year old....my dad still calls my 8 year old a baby.....drives me and her absolutely nuts!! No amount of convincing will get him to stop. Try (easier said than done) to explain that it is not good for her self esteem and when she goes to school next year she is going to be teased by the other kids for still drinking from a bottle. Sometimes you have to use a little guilt on them...works both ways!!

Good Luck on your move!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.W.

answers from Washington DC on

Beth,

I can sincerely sympathyize with you. I am a new mom of a Evan, 5 1/2 months old. He was born in July in Ohio and on September 30 we moved to Maryland (same reasons, mine and my husband's jobs). My parents are divorced and my mother's side is the dysfunctional ones. We tried letting them down easy, by putting the ideas in their heads one week and breaking the tough news the next, but unfortunately, they all freaked. Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you and your family. Your family may be upset, but they love you and always will. It soulds a little to me like, as I am with my mother, you may be frustrated with the way your family has no respect for your wishes with your children. Trust me, when you are hours away, there is a little less interference. And don't worry, phones still work out this way and home is just a few hours away if you really miss it! Let me know if I can help in any way or if you are just looking for a friendly face if/when you do move here! My direct email is ____@____.com I helped!

:-)
R.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.S.

answers from Philadelphia on

Congratulations, on the new job! Please remember that the most important people are you and your family...that means you,husband, and children. Your now extended family that includes your parents are an afterthought or should be. Turn this news into a wonderful experience for everyone by celebrating. Do not provide them with any opportunities to change your mind or make you second guess your decisions. You are a mother and an adult. Put your own best foot forward with a clear conscience. Your past and their issues are just that...the past.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.M.

answers from State College on

I have to ask... why do you care about burning bridges when they don't honor you as a parent or treat you with the respect you deserve? Sounds to me like the job will benefit you and your *immediate* family so much that the rest of your dysfunctional relatives can come visit if they want, but I think you & your family will be better off as far away from them as possible!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.P.

answers from Washington DC on

I know that you already told your mom, but Congratulations on your new job. My husband and I moved five hours (to OK)from home after my oldest turned two. A years later we had my son and the family began begging us to return to TX. We decided not to and were glad we did. Last January my daughter #2 was born and once again we got the same, instead we moved to Maryland. It has been seven months and the other day my mom-in-law wrote us a letter telling us how proud she was of us making it on our own.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.K.

answers from Philadelphia on

You dont have 2 burn bridges with them,it seems like they ignor the success you've had in school,but inspite of that you still excelled in your education. You have 4children "your children" 2 think of and whats best 4 them & you.I think you should move & take the job & all things that come with it.Yes tell your family your moving "no need of being secret/undercover mommy". You leave them all the info you have at this time as to contact you, like your cell#,new address if known, hotel#,flight#,you get the jist of it.This way your family CANT but most-likely will say,they can't contact you. Once you've done your part in leaving the info & even when you arrive at your new place & get settled, you can always resend the info a 2nd time by mail in a letter, with everything, new address,phone changes zip-codes the works, pictures of you & the kids, the new home.The point i'm hopefully making is as long as you keep the communication lines open on your end, your not burning bridges. Now if they refuse to call,write,e-mail, what ever! you'll now it's not anything you've done, it's what they've chosen to do amongst them selves 4 what ever their reason. My name is S., mother of 5 & I'm really excited 4 you & your family 2 have this oportunity. I hope I've helped in someway to convince you to think of you & your kids first, befor any body else. your the mom,you have to look out for your kids first, then if need be your other family, (but your kisa & you have 2 come 1st.Wow you started off with a vwery happy-new year! un-known / un-seen friend S. (laugh)good bye & good luck!!!1/1/206

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.M.

answers from Harrisburg on

I know where you are coming from with the "never amount to anything." But I also had the "you're dumb and stupid and will" tagged on the beginning of that. Congratulations on the Dean's List!!!!! This is YOUR life. You have to do what is best for you and your kids. If your family cannot support you on your decision, then they have a problem. It seems like they want to keep you under their thumb and they don't think you can handle 2 special needs kids. You do what is best for you, and know that what you are doing is best for YOUR family. There may be better outlets to help with your 2 children.

Although I ended up on disability due to physical problems, I did manage to raise 3 beatuiful kids. My oldest is as Parris Island for basic training. She is a petite thing. My younger daughter has been working for a particular department store for a couple of years and got promotions. She is also married and gave me my first grandson in sept. My son is the baby of the family. After yrs of trying to mold him, he has turned out to be a nice young man. Him and his g/f friend gave birth to my first granddaughter 5 days before my grandson was born. He did not bail, and is sooooooooooo good with the baby. He has a very strong bond with his daughter, and she is definitely DADDY'S GIRL...

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

P.V.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hi Beth,

Just go for it. Tell them and let them deal with their feelings on their own. Don't let them dictate how you are going to live your life. I know how family members can make you feel and how that affects your life, but like they said in your other responses, your primary focus should be on you and your immediate family (your husband and your children). Always remember that!!

Congratulations on your new job and the best of luck to you!!
P.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.Q.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am not sure what the problem is. You don't seem to matter much to them, so moving would probably be a blessing for you and your family! Best of luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.M.

answers from Portland on

I know it will be hard, but just matter-of-factly tell them you are moving and do your best to NOT react to their response, except to say something along the lines of, "I understand it's hard for you to accept, but my family has decided this is the best thing for us." From the way you describe things, putting some distance between your family and your parents is the best thing for you and your family. You already recognize that their relationship with you is dysfunctional, but you need space to learn to figure out how to cope with them better (I'm speaking from personal experience--I had to move 3000 miles away from my dysfunctional family in order to figure out how to have a relationship with them without being swallowed up whole by them). They sound terribly controlling and disrespectful and seem to act as if you are not an adult. That you are so concerned about their reaction says to me that you may still be responding to them as if you are NOT an adult, fully capable of making your own decisions without their interference. If you want to put an end to your dysfunctional relationship with you parents, you have to do your part to stop reacting in a way that enables them to control your feelings and actions. This won't get better overnight, even after you move, but moving away will be a good first step. Good luck!

C.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.H.

answers from Washington DC on

If this is the right move for all of you then you should do it no matter what. Just explain to your family that this will benifit the kids and you. I f they don't understand then thats their problem. I think your doing a fabulous job. So, hooray for you!!!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.G.

answers from Philadelphia on

Hello<

D. here 42 wodw..mother of 5
Life is to short your family in your unit u hub u kids u...................Do what u have to ...if they don't understand then their hearts are truly not looking out for u
they should be happy u are doing well.and want to move..if u love someone let them move on don't hold them back .............so tell the truth AND MARCH ON PROUDLY!..........u don't have to burm bridges email them....LOL..........but do it..D. gabrielli
i ost my husband in july 2006 life is to short! do it sister.........

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.T.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Hi Beth:
It sounds like there is still a lot of love between you and your family regardless of the inappropriate ways they have treated you from time to time. All families have some form of dysfunction although they may not be willing to acknowledge it. Wait until about a week before the actual move is to be made before you tell them. That way you will not have to endure the stress of thier protests and negative feedback while you are trying to make all the arrangements.
Tell them how the move will benefit the entire family in the long run. Stress to them that you love them very much and will keep in touch. Continue to respond with love everytime they make a fuss. Kiss them all good bye and give them some pictures of the family. Call them a lot when you get settled. I am sure they will get over it.

Good luck to you and your family. This should be a wonderful new start for you all.

G.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.R.

answers from Washington DC on

Beth,

You have to do what is right for you and your kids. Maybe getting away from your disfunctional family will be for the better. I also have a disfunctional family and the best thing I ever did was move away from them. You will be only a few hours drive away if they need you. I think that it will also be good for your daughter that way you can ween her off that bottle and let her grow up a bit. And you have proven to yourself that you can do anything that you put your mind up to and your family should be proud of you and what you have done for yourself and your family.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.J.

answers from Philadelphia on

Just tell them, just the way you explained in this message. A great job and great schools. You have to do what's best for your children. Whoever the person is that's giving your four year old bottle could care less about your child's development. Maryland is still within driving distance, so if bridges are burned, its just your family being jealous that in spite of all obstacles being a mother of four, wife, and a career woman you have succeeded. The best way to handle this situation is to move and be happy with your life.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches