How Did You Break It to Your Loved Ones...(wills and Your Kids)

You don't tell them. You probably won't die, and if you do die you will be dead, so they won't be able to be mad at you.

What I did was just tell the people who I DID choose that they were to be the guardians, and I didn't share that information with others.

And here I am, still alive, and my kids are grown.

The only people you need to discuss it with ARE the ones you want to agree to "take" them.
Not a discussion topic for the whole family.
The people you pick should also agree to keep quiet about it.

Why on earth would you tell people that you didn't choose them? The only people who need to know who you appointed as guardian are the people who you chose and agreed. I didn't make any grand announcements. TMI, in my opinion. This isn't something that you need to break to somebody.

We didn't discuss the guardianship of our children with anybody but the people we asked to be guardians in the event of our being eaten by bears or something. I do not have "claim" on anyone's children and if my sister and her husband had decided not to reciprocate and choose us for their son, then that was their choice. I would not love him or them any less. Anybody who gets upset that they are not selected to be guardians for the superawful event that there is NO living parent needs to grow up. IMO, it's an honor I hope never to have to fulfill. And it's nobody's business but ours and theirs.

Huh? Why does this have to be announced to the world? The only people you should discuss this decision with is the people that you chose, and have agreed, to care for your children.

I can't imagine why you would even tell them. The only people you need to discuss this with are the people you choose. Otherwise, what's the point? It will just hurt feelings, and probably is information that they will never need to know.

I saw no need to bring it up with anyone but the people we chose to care for our children.

No need to discuss with them. They would find out, God forbid, anything ever happened. It is your decision. They have no say.

We didn't break it to anyone. We didn't discuss the matter with them before or after. We simply made the arrangements with the people we felt would best take care of our children should something happen to us, and they didn't happen to be relatives. And that was that.

We didn't. The only ones who need to know are the ones you do pick. Everyone else can assume that it's none of their business.

I didn't.
What would be the point?
My husband's brother and his wife know they are named, as we are named to care for their kids if anything happens to them.
Why would anyone else need to know?

We didn't tell the ones we DIDN'T pick. We just worked it out with the ones we DID pick. It's pretty unlikely that it will ever come to pass, first of all. Secondly, should anything change in, say, 5 years or 10 years and you need to change the will again, it doesn't benefit you to have opened that can of worms to start with.

I don't see why you would tell them, especially since the circumstances leading up to it are unlikely. If you feel that compelled to give a reason, leave a note with your will addressing the issue.

Why would you tell them.

I didn't. I would be crazy to open that can of worms. Hopefully none of them will ever find out....because I'd like to be around awhile!

I have 4 very well behaved kids, but there is NO way I am going to give my kids to either of our aging parents or our siblings. We have some friends who adore our kids and can financially manage our children. Those friends BEGGED me to put her in our will as the guardian. Done!

It's a private and personal decision. We did not "announce" anything. We had a private conversation with the individuals directly involved and made sure that they each had a copy. In our case, that involved a conversation with my sister and her husband (physical guardianship of our children) and our niece and her husband (financial guardianship).

Frankly, if someone asks they are way out-of-line. If you've already "announced" that you are in the process of making this decision and having it legally Notarized... well, that's your own mistake! Discuss it with those who are DIRECTLY impacted and NO ONE ELSE. The odds are very good that there will never be a need for anyone to know and if that time should (God forbid) come, there won't be any discussion to be had.

I agree with both posts below mine. Why would you tell them? They will likely never need to know. Don't tell them, and no ones feelings will be hurt.

I haven't been in this situation. Pretty much everyone knew when we picked my son's Godparents that those would be the two people who would take care of him if something happens to my husband and I. I don't think I ever would tell someone else that they weren't the "chosen" ones. Anyone who loves my son would be valuable in his life, so for me, it's just a formality.

Because my son is an adult, I am free of this issue now.

I will say that I have talked to a neice, who has lupus, about it. She brought it up. I told her that I would love to have custody of her daughter, my great neice. She is torn between her ex husband (estranged), her mother (religious fanatic) and me (Auntie Mame--Rambling Rose).

My little great neice is screwed...

I haven't told them.

To be honest - I really haven't thought about it eventhough I had a brush of death a year ago... if I go I know my hubby will be there for them & if he goes I know I will be there for them. I also know my in-laws would do anything for my kids and to take care of them if something would happen. Also, my sister would step up... eventhough she has 5 kids of her own in the house. All I would ask of anyone is that all 5 of my kids at home would stay together and that they would continue to have a relationship with their older sister who is 18 and out of the house.

Someday we will write a will, but for now we are hoping to live for a while and watch our kids grow-up, graduate school, get married & have kids of their own... and we have a little one that will be a year tomorrow - so we have a while yet to meet all the wishes of life.

If you must tell someone, tell the person that writes your will - hopefully that part will never have to be carried out.

We did not tell the people who weren't chosen. We only asked the ones we did choose if they were willing to do it. Hoping that it never comes to this, we figured no one else needs to know.

That said, we are currently in the process of changing ours. Haven't told the original people that they are getting taken off because I think it would be too damaging to an already rocky relationship. I think I might write a letter to include with the will, that would only be given to them in the event that our children needed to go to someone else's custody. Our primary reason for switching is that the new couple we are choosing live much closer to our home (an hour away, vs several states away) and therefore much closer to the grandparents and friends that our kids are so close to. Secondary reason is that we are not getting along well now with the original couple, but we had planned to make the switch even before the other problems began.

If you do feel the need to tell the people you didn't pick, rather than telling why you didn't choose them, lay out the reasons why the person you chose is the best future caregiver for your children. Also say that you hope they will still be an active part of your children's lives, as your relationship is very important to you.

A reason that you might want to tell your family about your wishes and your reasons for your choice is that anyone with a legally defined "interest" in your children's welfare after your death can petition the court for custody. By not informing your family of your reasons, you leave open the possibility of hurt, grieving family members reacting to this statement of your wishes badly and taking this custody issue to court. A court does not need to follow your stated wishes, even if written into a will, if another party (person) can present a compelling reason why the children should be put into their custody.

Having had much experience with family court, judges are not any more logical than any other human being and their decisions are made on legal precedent combined with personal experience, values, beliefs, and the mood they are in that particular day.

I understand the hesitancy to bring up what could be a "can of worms" when the chances of your unexpected death are minimal, the more likely you feel your relatives will be upset by your will the more likely it is you need to talk with them about it if you want your wishes to be followed.

I am not planning to tell them.

In our circumstance, our children are adopted through the foster care system. We have to have a will in place naming guardians over our kids in case anything were to happen to us. We decided to pick God Parents for our kids based on several things that were important to us, and those people are in our will as the people who will raise our kids should anything happen to us. They came to our daughter's adoption with us and our families, and it just kind of became public knowledge that they were her God Parents in every sense of the word. We've chosen the God Parents for our son as well, and that is also just something that we kind of go with. It's no secret, but we didn't sit anyone down and say "Listen, we don't think you are good enough to raise our kid". We just said "Tom and Mary are going to be Joey's Godparents" and left it at that. No big deal, and no one's feelings were hurt.

The only people you have to talk to about this are the people who will be taking care of your children when you are gone. The chances of anything happening are small, so it's not worth the drama of telling others you DIDN'T choose them. Unless they ask you directly one day, there's no reason to bring it up. And if they ask, you can tell them that you haven't decided. Hopefully they'll forget.

The only people you have to talk to about this are the people who will be taking care of your children when you are gone. The chances of anything happening are small, so it's not worth the drama of telling others you DIDN'T choose them. Unless they ask you directly one day, there's no reason to bring it up. And if they ask, you can tell them that you haven't decided. Hopefully they'll forget.

ADD: Assume that feelings will be hurt and you will have to explain yourself. There is no easy way to say "sorry, we didn't pick you because...". It's going to be hurtful and awkward even if your reasons were good to NOT doing, because they will see it as a rejection.

I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted - but actually, you did. Pretty much everyone with experience with this did NOT tell others they were not chosen. We assumed you were considering telling someone and were looking for feedback, even if it wasn't directly to the exact question you asked for. I don't understand why the snarkyness was necessary when people were trying to be helpful.

my dad is my attorney so I had that discussion with him. My ex and I had a challenge agreeing, but finally did on my brother. When we went to Europe for three weeks, I finally put together my will and listed guardian and did a POA. It took a lot of years to get to that point. I was very concerned about hurting my parents, but my dad didn't question my reasoning.

I am named as guardian for my brother's boys who are 4 yo and 9 months. As a matter of age, my parents understand why I am guardian.

I told my step mom and had her tell my dad that they were not getting the kids. She made him look at it the right way, instead of being offended and thinking we don't trust them (which, we don't but don't tell them!) LOL!
I just told her who we picked (they know them), and that they would still be able to be grandparents (duh). My parents are getting older and have had significant medical issues in recent years, and I would have changed my will if I had had them as guardians once this stuff started happening.

It never was a huge topic for us. We finally decided on my brother and sil. My oldest brother also picked them. I actually told him when he called after his son was born to ask me if I would take care of him. He said our oldest brother was sending his daughter to the same brother I picked. My sil is crazy and it was hard to tell her she was of course offended and hurt. I just said it " our kids will live with my middle brother if we die". Only said anything about it if someone asks.

Btw I had to read your question several times before I could connect the sentence and understand what the question was?!?!?