Her son is my son's best friend and when they get together the go sit in the car and talk. We know her son heard the shot and I'm afraid my son isn't ready for that kind of truth. He was crazy about her. How do I handle this?
If he asks questions, I would simply let him know that she was sick and didn't know how to get help. Use the opportunity to talk to him about how to ask for help from parents, teachers, etc when he needs to talk to someone.
My heart goes out to you, your son and all who are affected by this tragedy. First, get some private time with your son and encourage him to talk about his feelings. If he has a difficult time, explain to him that people sometimes have problems that they don't know how to handle and do things that they feel is right for them and they are so confused that they forget how much others care for them and are there to help. Let him know that you are always available to him no matter what the situation is. Let him know how much you love him and always want him in your life. Confirm with a great big bear hug.
In 1972, my uncle shot my cousin, my aunt and then committed suicide. He was an Illinois States Attorney. I was supposed to be on his "hit list" as I would have been there had I not had the flu. I was 8 years old. My cousin Terri, a survivor, came to stay with us until Aunt Dorothy recovered. David was killed. Why we think children can't handle things is beyond me. Coddling the situation does nothing to help him. Yes, it is a sad thing,but, things like this happen everyday and that is what needs to be explained. His aunt was ill and now it's his job to be his best friends friend. I am sorry to say, but hiding facts from kids is not the way to go. I never had support groups or therapists or any outside help. I had my FAMILY, the best support group ever!!!!! I delt with it by conversing with my cousin and Mom and Dad. I knew the facts and was horrified BUT it made my cousin and I closer as we could talk about the gore and still maintain composure. I guess I was raised in a generation of reality and not what is shown on TV. I'm still here and I'm not the least bit afraid of what tomorrow can bring be it bad or good.
First I would like to express my sincere condolences on the loss of your sister/friend. Your son is of an age where he could probably handle pretty much what his friend tells him. Does he come to you for help in understanding? If not, perhaps you could sit down and explain you don't understand it all but that he needs to be supportive and loving with his friend. I know this issue is difficult for all of you - I wish kids didn't have to learn of death, but it is part of the reality of life. The very best of luck sweetie - and God bless all of you.
What a tough situation. Let me say that I wouldn't want my kids hearing the whole story, either, but that little boy is going to need someone to talk to. My five year old has a friend at school who's 12 year old brother was shot accidentally. I didn't want my son to hear about it, but he did, and he was able to be a very good friend to the other little boy. Also, we talked about how we could pray for his family, how my son didn't need to worry about that happening in our family, etc. It is VERY tough, though, and I feel for you on this one.
Most of the time with kids, you can answer their questions with a simple answer, but not any more. If they want to know more,they will usually ask as they are ready. Also, Talking while you're doing something else (like driving or coloring) will help him open up.
Good luck.
He can handle it. What he can't handle is losing his best friend because he doesn't know how to be there for him through this, and being given limited information and feeling out of control and unable to break through barriers of secrecy, however well intentioned - and, of course, the resulting isolation.
I think the most wonderful thing you can do as his mother is give him lots of guidance through it. One of the very things that lead to suicide is, people don't learn from the people closest to them that it's okay to talk about hard things, especially with those we need to count on the most. I know this is going to be hard for you and very hard for your son, but there just is no healthy way to escape this. In the end, though, he will probably end up with an even closer relationship with his friend, and with a better understanding of his feelings, and of feelings in general, and he will feel empowered to be one part of someone's healing.
I'm sure you will do great. Call a few therapists and ask them what their basic philosophy is. When you talk to one you feel that you really click with and who will be really good for your son, make an appointment.
L.
In the OKC area there is an organization to help children deal with grief. It has a weekly group for children. The parents can go to a separate group to learn how to help their child. It is calmed "Calm Waters".
If you are not in the OKC area, look for something similar in your community. Not only do you need to look for help for your son, but definately for his cousin. It could be beneficial for them to attend together.
C.,
I am a small publisher and last year we released IN THE WAKE OF SUICIDE; A CHILD's JOURNEY. The author is Diane Kaulen who is a certified Child Life Specialist. She wrote the book for her nephew as his dad also committed suicide. Then several people told her she should do something with it and God divinely crossed our paths. The book sells for $14.95 and would be a couple of $$ shipping, however, if there are no funds available, we would be happy to send one for free.
It is completely from a Christian's perspective and leads the child to trust God to get him through the ordeal.
Please let me know where it needs to go and I will try to get to the post office. It is a picture book for ages 4 thru 12. I believe it ministers to young victims - whoever is touched by this horrible tragedy.
You can also do a Google search on the book or Diane's name. If you get one directly from her, she could autograph it and write a personal note to the recipient.
Love and blessings
Grami
Handle this with honesty a little at a time. Kids are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. My grandfather and uncle both committed suicide. I was young when it happened, as were several of my cousins. You want to be sure your son knows she had an illness; call it by it's real name: depression. Someone has to be very sick to want to end their life, especially if they are mom to small children. It is possible that her son will tell your son he heard the shot. You don't want him hearing it from him do you? You probably would rather tell him yourself so he can ask questions and you can answer them. Lies or hiding the truth is what confuses children. Honesty they can deal with. I am so sorry this happened. I will pray for your son and her son!
What a difficult and traumatic thing for these young boys to experience. Most of us will not have life experience to draw from on this but if it were my child I would simple assure him that the mom loved them all very much but she just had some health problems in her mind and body that she couldn't control and she didn't feel there was any way to be well. In that case the ill person wasn't thinking clearly and just wanted to end her life. None of us would ever fully understand why a person we hold dear in our hearts, a mother, would leave us in this manner. Just assure him (them) that depression is an illness and can cause folks to take their life in a very weak time. It doesn't change how much they love those around them though. They just aren't thinking clearly.
That would be a question for a professional trauma therapist. There are many techniques available for this, such as EMDR and EFT. The child would best go to a therapist to help him as soon as possible, to avoid problems and allow him to vent.
B. S. RN CCM
I think you are doing a great thing by allowing them space to work things out in a supervised and safe environment. Like the other mom, I would also say sitting down and talking with your son to help him understand without breaking the trust of his friend. He is being the best kind of support- the kind that only one child can give to another. We tend to think that children can't guide one another, but they do it all the time and this happens to be a good example. Good luck and Godspeed.
C. I am not sure how to handle this but i just wanted to say I will be praying for your family and your's son's best friends family!
