My oldest son is 6.5 years old and in full-day Kindergarten. He has always been shy and reserved even though we have participated in mom/baby groups since he was born. We were also in a co-op preschool since he was 2. Just today, his teacher emailed me to tell me that there were two instances where he did not stick up for himself which has gotten me worried. One was when the teacher told the children to stay in their seats because there was too much running around during lunchtime, and when he got up to throw away a paper towel, his name got on the board. It was only later that another student told the teacher that my son had spilled yogurt on his shirt and wanted to throw away his paper towel to keep his table clean. She took his name off the board, but told him that he really should have spoken up for himself.
The other instance was when the teacher found a piece of key chain on the floor and asked the children three times if it belonged to anyone. He never spoke up, so she threw it away. Later, another student told her that it belonged to my son, but she could not find it in the trash. Needless to say, he never got it back because he never said anything to her.
I know these instances aren't huge, but I really worry what will happen if another child bullies him or if something bad happens and he doesn't stand up for himself. I was, unfortunately, the same way as a child, and my life was miserable at times. Kids were so mean to me, and all I did was sit in the corner and cry. What can I do to help my son before it is too late?
Well it appears the other kids are sticking up for him thats good. But is it with other kids or with this teacher? I know my daughter will tell me you can't talk back to a teacher. Maybe try to discuss him what the difference is from talking back and raising yoru hand and if he had ever raised his hand and what happen
role play!
khairete
S.
I think he has been taught well to respect and not "talk back" and he is having trouble distinguishing between the two. I am a self-proclaimed teacher-pleaser - he may be the same way:)
That said, I love the idea of role play and letting him know it is ok to explain himself and speak up and it will not be interpreted as disrespectful.
These can be difficult to pick up on these nuances unless you show him and explain.
Role play, role play, role play....maybe he just doesn't know the right words...have him actually say them, go back over these incidences with him...don't just tell him what to say.
Pretend you are the teacher....and he actually has to engage in the conversation like he would if it were real.
I was thinking along the same lines as Kellhy S.
Does he do this sort of thing (or rather, NOT do anything to speak up for himself) at home, as well? Or is this only at school?
My kids are super kids. Truly they are. Yet, both of them (the younger one WAY more than the older one though) would NOT speak up to the teacher. Why? Because they were taught at a very early age to respect elders and authority and not "talk back". At home, it is pretty clear what talking back is. At school, the line is a bit more blurry, and it took some discussions and finesse to get through it.
For example: My daughter who had been potty trained since her 2nd birthday, including at night... when she was in K-5, (at a private school with a SUPER wonderful sweet teacher who ADORED her) they would have reading groups. A few students would gather with the teacher in a corner of the room and sit in chairs in a circle and read, while the other students worked on something at their desks/tables. There were maybe 5 kids in the circle taking turns reading and the rule was that when someone else was reading (i.e., it wasn't your turn) you didn't talk. Well, my daughter wet her pants. Why? Because she didn't want to raise her hand and ask to be excused to go to the bathroom (right there 7 steps away from the reading group). It "wasn't her turn" and "you aren't supposed to talk when someone is reading".
Kids at that age have a difficult time figuring out when it is okay to speak up and when it is considering breaking a rule or perhaps backtalking. In the instance of the papertowel, it sounds like he didn't speak up because he KNEW he had broken a rule. He did break a rule, but he didn't realize that there can be exceptions and that his qualified. To have said something, in his little mind, would have amounted to "arguing" with the teacher.
When you are at home, does he ever object to something you have told him? With a reason? For example: You: "Billy, go tell Daddy to come here." Billy: "I can't, Mom. Dad is at the neighbor's down the street, and you said never to go down the block alone." or "I can't. The Joneses have their big dog that bites out in the yard and it's not on a leash."
I agree that you need to practice with him some and role play, and work with him on discerning when it is ok to speak up and when it is not. Sometimes, there isn't a cut and dried answer--even for adults! And by all means, talk to him and ask him questions about WHY he didn't speak up. You can't help him understand if you don't understand his logic.
Good luck.
Good work being alert, and I would be concerned too. Sounds like he needs PRACTICE at going outside of his comfort zone and speaking up. It can be called fear, and it is, but when you break it down, it's a bad reflex he has to things (one that many kids/people have that he needs to work on). And good thing the teacher is aware and letting you know.
I differ with the opinion that kids who are very obedient have trouble with this-that could be true for some, but we have many disciplined "non talk backerers" in my family and with instructions that clearing up a misunderstanding is not talking back, I've never seen kids have trouble with this. My kids are very well disciplined and never talk back, but they have no trouble sticking up for themselves with me or at school.
I have been vigilant watching for this trait, because my HUSBAND is absolutely incapable of speaking up about things. With him I think it's largely ill breeding and selfishness, but I have always been a bit afraid it might be inherited "selective shyness" or something and I don't want my kids to "catch" it. If anything makes him uncomfortable, he just CLAMS up. The ramifications have been gigantic as buried issues build resentment in him, and people regard him as dishonest for withholding things, etc. Again, my kids luckily have no trouble speaking up, and I teach them in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that they MUST, even if it is uncomfortable in the moment. Like for claiming the key chain and stuff. Think how many times as ADULTS we don't want to raise our hand, say something in a crowd, or fess up to something. It's very important to practice it as kids.
These instances were good warnings. Keep reminding him about it and think of some practice exercises. I might even assign him "scary" (speaking up type things) to do and then have rewards handy if he does them. I never used rewards in discipline, but my daughter was having trouble yelling out the loud "KIUP" sound in Tae Kwon Do when she kicked and punched no matter how often the teacher asked her to yell. I let her and her brother know that if they BOTH yelled really loud in class, we'd go for ice cream after. She did it, and we went. After she did it once she wasn't scared anymore. Try to get creative...
I agree, role play, role play. BUT, I think a lot of the responsibility, especially with the first situation, lies with the teacher. She says "Everyone sit in your seats!" So your son does exactly what he's told. You canNOT expect a kindergartener to parse a statement like that and hear "Everyone sit in your seat" as "Everyone sit in your seat unless you have yogurt on your shirt." At the very least, she should have followed up right then and there and asked him why he got up, instead of writing his name on the board.
And, with the other situation, did the teacher make any effort to help shy kids speak up? She's responsible for making her classroom a welcoming environment for all children, not labeling the kids who aren't comfortable with her.
My son, who is also in K, has a dread of standing out from the crowd. So much so that he doesn't want to use lefty scissors b/c they're a different color and this is somehow a huge source of embarrassment to him. His teacher has been great about encouraging him to speak up and building his confidence, but she's also incredibly positive about him. She describes his shyness and hesitancy as "just a little bit too much of a good thing."
I would just keep practicing scenarios with him, tell him what to say if someone is bothering him, something belongs to him, he didn't do something he was accused of, etc. Let the teachers know you are working on it with him and that you want her to reinforce it. Talk to his specialists about it as well, physical education, art, music, those teachers can help too. The dynamics are different in those classes so it's important that you speak to them as well. Good luck.
You have several options...
Role Play with him....show him how to stand up for himself.
Enroll him in Karate or Tae Kwon Do - I cannot tell you the difference it made in my boys...they weren't shy and reserved...but they definitely were "I NEED everyone to be my friend" and now that Greg is a black belt and Nicky is a high Blue - not so much.
I'm sorry that kids were mean to you. That sucks. I would role play with my son and enroll him in Tae Kwon Do....heck even take it myself!!!
You have 2 great examples of why it's important him him to stick up for himself. I agree with the role play idea, using these real examples...now he knows the consequence of not saying anything, and seeing his name go up on the board or losing his key chain piece.
He was probably afraid he would get in trouble. My son is the same way. He is youngest in his K class, and sometimes I think he feels intimidated. However, we are having great success with taekwondo. He just started and I have noticed a marked improvement with his confidence, manners, and self-control already. He is also learning respect (such as raising his hand and asking permission) which helps esp in the classroom. He now knows that he must always respond to a question with "yes, sir", or "no, sir". We love it! Look into it!
