How Can I Deal with My Controlling In-laws?

You and your kids need an apartment of your own.
You and your husband have a right to raise your kids as you see fit and if you don't want to take them to church that is your right.
This 2 year scheme to save money will cause you to lose your sanity.
How are you saving money if you are paying rent to your in laws?
Talk to your husband - and find out what your benefits are as a military spouse.

https://www.military.com/spouse/military-benefits/militar...

He gets paid a housing allowance - that should be paying your rent to a real landlord not his folks.
Get an apartment near your folks if you want to or move someplace where the rent isn't so expensive.
Maybe move where more military families are so you have a support group you can talk to.
You and your kids need a place of your own.

This is not a situation that is going to solve itself. They have certain beliefs and feel that they are entitled to force those on you for free or reduced rent.

If you are married, why aren't you getting BAH and using that for rent? I understand that you want to save money while your husband is gone (and thank him for his service, please), but you need to save your sanity first.

As a military mom myself, I know first hand that taking care of YOU needs to be a top priority. If you are not in a good place, that will leak over on to your kids and then your husband (both while he is away and when he gets back).

Move out on your own and have the kiddos visit the in-laws two nights a week for dinner (not church nights).

Good luck!

I agree with the others that there is almost no way this situation will end well. Their deeply-held beliefs collide with yours, and neither of you should have to change how they feel about the matter. I also wonder whether this disagreement is just the first of many more--two years is a LONG time to have two families in the same home. I think that for your sanity and the sake of your long-term relationship with your in-laws, it's time to find a cheap apartment which will give everyone space.

I am going to guess there is a history to them not treating your husband like an adult, and so you won't be treated with respect as an adult either. Why is your husband not dealing with this? Why wasn't this communicated before you moved in?

Typically, each side deals with their own family - so your husband should be addressing the church issue. He could FaceTime or Skype with this parents, hash it out, then you join in on the next call once they have come to a resolution and the argument (if there would be one) is done.

Where you're there, he's not - this is awkward. I don't really know how this would work. In my case, that's how my husband handled it and how the counsellor suggested he handle it. Talk to his parents privately, after he and I decided what was ok for our family. I supported him. I didn't get into these arguments with his parents.

I don't see this ending well. I am sorry - I've dealt with controlling in-laws who didn't respect their son, let alone me. We're a lot older than you and it never did change, even with the counseling we went to, firm boundaries, my husband being very firm and clear - and we didn't live with them or accept their help. This is just going to be incredibly stressful for you.

The other concern I have for you is - it puts a huge strain on your marriage. You will grow to resent your husband I think. You'll be dealing with his parents (who sound incredibly petty) and just resenting living there.

I personally would look at other options for living arrangements - and would just say (your husband can when the time comes) that it's in everyone's best interest to just have space.

Best to you.

If you decide you can't do this - then I strongly suggest you and your husband get on same page, he talks to them, or at the very least, he backs you up and you stand firm. If it means you have to pay more to live there, then you do. Don't start letting them dictate how to raise your kids because it's a slippery slope.

It's nice to be able to save some money but not at this cost. Your family needs a place of your own. Even a small apartment is better then having adult family roommates, especially bossy judgemental ones. Let your husband and in laws know you're looking for other arrangements, I have a feeling EVERYONE will be happier not living under the same roof.

I think that you need to find a way to get your own apartment and get out of their house. Others here know much more about military life than I do, I'm hoping that some of them will weigh in with advice on how to do that. Perhaps there are resources within the service that can help you. Good luck.

You need to get your own place. They are too controlling and are not going to change. All you can do is get away, get your own house/apartment/condo and be polite to them when you have to see them.

this is a tough situation to be in.
when they are judging you remind them the bible says "judge not lest ye be judged. "
i was raised in a religious home. and i am not religious now. i handle my family and religion with indifference. when they get pushy about church i say where 2 or 3 are gathered the lord is there also. so i do not have to go someplace, i can have a church all my own right where i am.
when they get into the "ya gotta go to church to fellowship with other believers" talk then i respond with something like i don't believe that gossiping about who is doing what in the community and who is sick or staying home because their car is broke is not my kind of believer, and since i cannot find a group of worshipers that are not this way i choose to stay home.

if they are going to make you pay rent then why not find another place to stay? it may be cramped at your parents but less stress to be there, and around my area one can still find a 2 bed appt for around 550$ monthly. so check into other living arrangements.
do not let them bully you with their religion.

You can’t make them see how you think that they are wrong. You can’t change other people.
They have a right to live how they want to in their own house.

I don’t see this situation resolving on its own to your satisfaction. So I think you should start looking for another place to live before you do permanent damage to this relationship.

The only other option would be to write out a legal renters contract where you both are clear about expectations and boundaries and you pay rent. I would have a legal third party draw it up. But I don’t think it would really solve the problem.

You need to move. I really don’t see any other choice.

Personally though, I don't see the harm in exposing your children to religion despite the fact that you are atheist. They can still make the choice when they are older after all and a belief in God has gotten a lot of people through horribly difficult situations. (For my own sanity I have to believe I will be reunited with my son again otherwise I’m not sure how I could have survived his death). I really think a belief in God is a gift parents give to their children.

It's time to move out, even if you have to move to a shelter for a while.

These people need to understand that you are not their responsibility nor are you theirs to manage. I am all for grandparents bringing different aspects of life to our kids but when they make it a rule for you being there, that's wrong.

Now, if you were bringing in drugs or drinking all night then I'd say they might have a basis for telling you that you need God, okay? I'll give them that.

But ordering you to produce your children every Sunday morning for church or pay more rent, that's entirely stupid and insulting and rude and enough to push me right out and I "DO" go to church.

Go, today and sit down with your parents. Let them know what's going on. Ask them if there is anything they can contribute to your housing and living arrangements.

Can you live on a nearby base? Don't they have social workers that help soldier families?
As an out of country serviceman's wife? Is he overseas? In a war zone? Isn't he on a base where you could go? And take the kids?

Your older kiddo could stay with your parents and finish out this school year then join you guys on the base where your husband is. A friend of mine has an adult daughter who met a man from Finland. She went over to visit him and fell in love with the country and him, she married him.

Her son was in school and very happy at the time. Since she was going to marry this man she hadn't known even a full year she did want her son to be protected just in case. So she left him with her mom, his grandmother. Grandma was given guardianship by mom, they went to court for this so it was on record at the courthouse, and this meant that grandma could enroll the kiddo in school, decide about medical care, had full authority to act in his behalf as a parent would. No one had to call overseas and speak to the mom, grandma has full rights to make all his decisions. The boy and grandma would fly to Finland to visit a couple of times per year and this way he got to know his step-dad and make Finnish friends.

When the daughter had been married a couple of years and her son was about to enter high school he decided he was ready to move to Finland. He went and is in college now. Fully happy living in Finland and expects to live there forever.

Point is, there are options that work out in all sorts of ways. You don't have to live under this man's thumb and obey him like he's important or something.