How and When to Approach a Young Adult to Move Out

go buy some boxes ansd put them in her room. Thats a big hint, especially when you put a note that says "you need to move out by whatever date"
Also, like animals, stop feeding her, adn allowing her to bathe, she will either do somethign with herself, or leave. I also believe that if you are in school, you can stay, if you work, and try to save up, you can stay, but nothing... NO... bye bye,

I would love for my college senior to come back home and live with me afer graduation. I think that he will unless a great job comes his way. But, again, I am divorced and have no one else (a spouse) to consider.

My parents spent about 15-18K after I left the house before I got a hang of it on my own 11 years ago...It's not cheap throwing them out into the shark pit either! I'm great now...I learned my lesson in two short years but it was not a cheap one for my parents.

I chose not to go to college right out of high school, and the month after graduation my parents sat down with me and all the household bills, added them up, and split them three ways. I was responsible for my third, as well as my own vehicle, upkeep, insurance, etc. We were basically roommates, since I was a legal adult. I think that is the nicest thing they ever did for me. Helped me learn about household budgeting, responsibility, and how to treat other adults. I continued to live at home for about a year, before I decided that it made more sense for me to find my own place (which I did on my own). I think $100 a month is way too low for rent, and she will never be able to function in the real world without that knowledge. So my suggestion would be to do the same thing with your daughter. Include her in all the monthly bill paying, and if she can't pay her share, she needs to get out, just like any other roommate not living up to their agreement.

Honestly... what is $100/month teaching her? I agree with Charliesmom, you should sit down with her, add up all expenses, and split them with her. She will be entitled to pay her part and if she doesn't, give her an eviction notice. She is an adult and it is time for her to start acting like one. Life is going to treat her a lot worse than you are, so she's got to start figuring that out. If she thinks she's a grown-up and doesn't have to go to college, then she can act like one.

Just my two cents.

Hi C.-

I think in this case...instead of 'asking' her for HER time line, I suggest YOU give her YOURS!

Perhaps six months? Gives her time to save up for an apartment (near public transportation).

Time for some tough love I think.

Best luck!
michele/cat

Sink or swim. Adults survive when they have to. No one saves money at home because they "should" develop survival skills with no threat to survival.

My husband and I were both offered rent in our parents homes at 18 for the GOING MARKET RATE. With the option for "supervised" full price adult living-we were both out on our own pronto. Roommates, crappy cars, no fun money, whatever, it's the beginning of striving for more and it only happens if she has no choice. If you give her a two year grace period, you will be in this EXACT same position in two years-only with more disappointment and resentment built up and she'll be even further behind at starting life.

I opted not to go to college. So I spent my early twenties working crappy jobs (sometime three at a time) and living in crappy apartments and driving crappy cars before taking an assistant's position in a garment company (with a degree it could have been a much higher position-my bad choice) but I worked my way up from there and by 26 had saved to move to NYC and by age 28 had my own clothing company living comfortably. If I would have frittered away at home for cheap rent, none of that would have happened. The greatest thing my parents did for me was never bail me out, I had to work out my own survival at the stroke of adulthood. When I couldn't stand the terrible living conditions anymore, I worked harder for promotions, built life strategies and took more work hours. Would I have done that from the comfort of home? no.

No college-no home discount. What you're offering her is what she should be paying in rent if she was IN COLLEGE! Save money for what for two years? A car? An apartment deposit? No. Take the paychecks, help her get set up on her own, then cut the cord. It's a bigger boost than lots of people get. Once she sees she can't stay for less than the cost of a real apartment, she may even get "interested" in college. Right now it sounds easier to do nothing because no matter what she earns, she's comfortable. If you let her suffer the effects of a low salary for REAL (cheap used car, cheap crappy apartment, constant brokeness) it will "inspire her" to shoot higher in life. This is the only time she has no kids and limitless opportunity to work hard-don't hold her back by helping her!

Years ago one of my cousin was like this.. Kind of just shut down after high school. His friends were going to college, or got jobs and saving to move out. He just seemed to lay around his parents home.

He got some small jobs, but they were here and there.

He would ask his mom for money to go shopping, go out with friends. or ask to borrow the car to look for a job..

Finally after about 8 months, she just started telling him NO. Not in an ugly way, but just told him, no, she needed the car, no, she did not have any extra money. Then she finally told him, he had 4 weeks to get a job and start paying her rent, for gas and for use of her car, or he would have to move out.

And so at the end of the month, he asked if she could drive him to San Antonio in 6 weeks? She was perplexed and asked what is in San Antonio.. He told her, I signed up for the Army and I need to be there to check in..

This is a person that showed no interest in the military, was not a physical person, was just so unmotivated.. you would think he would not even know to go and apply.

Changed his life. They were told not to take anything personal with them like CD players, etc.. He took his music with them.. On the bus they were asked.. How many of you have CD players etc? All of the ones that raised their hands, had to hand them over and NEVER got them back. Ha, ha,.,.

Then he did not like the food, so was not eating.. after a week and all of the runs, they were doing.. he started eating everything on the plate.. As they say.. The rest is history.. About 3 months after joining. Desert Storm started and he was sent over! Oh boy was he surprised!! We all were.

He grew up fast. He did get a girl pregnant and now has a grown son. He took total responsibility. He really got his life together, but I believe if my Aunt had not just made that deadline.. he would have been fine hanging out.

I lived at home while I went to college.
I got my degree, but it took me a year to find a job in my field (I worked 2 fast food jobs to pay for sending resumes out and expenses in the mean time) and then I moved far away.
But, my Mom gave me 6 months to make a plan and move - my time was almost up.
She said if no job in my field came up I was to see recruiters (Army, Navy, etc).
I actually went and took a Navy aptitude test and scored better than most guys who take it - they were hungry for me! - but a job offer came up before I signed anything and my future was well on it's way.
If your daughter is not college bound, she needs a skill to help her earn better than minimum wage.
She should go to a trade school - learn to cut hair, or become a chef, or drive a bus, etc.
If trade school is not in the works, a visit to the recruiters is not a bad idea.
She gets 6 months - not 2 years - if she's not going to any sort of school.
In the mean time - charge her a 'real' rent - $100 a month wouldn't get her a room much less an apartment in the real world.
She gets to buy her own food, pay her bus fare (or pay for gas money if you drive her around).
What money she pays to you you can spend on what you like or you can save it for her for when she leaves (don't tell her about it if you do).
Make life less comfortable for her at home so she wants a place of her own where she makes her own rules.
You are going to have to get tough, because she won't grow if you keep treating her like a child.
Baby bird has got to leave the nest but sometimes they need a push before they'll spread their wings and fly.

Seriously what I would do. Start collecting rent. A rent similiar to what she will face out in the real world. This will be an eye opener to her. (Set this aside for her - but don't tell her you are doing this and when she does move out this will be a nice surprise to help stock the first apartment).

If she doesn't make rent then you need to come up with a lot of household chores that she has to do to pay off the rent. And I mean a lot of chores! If rent is not made then she becomes your personal foot servant, maid, errand runner, gardner.

Tell her upfront that this is what you are doing and that it starts in May. If she does not have the rent on May 1. She then needs to work for you for $X an hour until the rent is paid. During this time she will cook, clean garden, errands, etc. until the debt is paid.

You need to create some discomfort and stop enabling her to lay around. This kid needs a serious dose of reality and this kick in the pants might just help!

My mom made it clear that when I turned 18 and still lived at home I would have to abide by all the same curfews/chores, etc.. I had in highschool.
That made me want my independence pretty bad.
I moved out on my 18th birthday...and have never gone back.

C.,

It sounds like your DD is in charge of you and not the other way around, you in charge of your own home and finances.

I recommend you sign up for the newsletters from "Empowering Parents" and go read their back issues of adult kids living at home. It's full of great ideas, tips, and how to approach these situations.

Your own approach towards her does not help her set clear expectations. There are clearly no consequences for her not getting her 2 chores done. And no family expectations to move on out and make their own way in this world.

You have created a living situation that is annoying you and is not sustainable for either of you.

She is an adult. I tell all my kids, jokingly, with humor and with love, that once they turn 18 they will no longer be asking me for money. The only thing I plan on offering is college tuition for one year, and if they do well, I'll pay for the next year. And if they do well the 2nd year, I'll pay for the 3rd. Etc.

Honestly, it's kind of an odd question to ask a 20 year when she plans on moving out and starting her own life. I would already know what my kids plans were by having had numerous developing conversations over years.

It sounds like you both are very disconnected from each other. I would have been talking about that topic since the age of 10 or thereabouts. And for sure the last 5 years of her life while in high school and discussing what areas of education and vocations she enjoys the most so she can start focusing on those areas with gusto.

Another option is for you to try short term counseling so you learn the parenting tools necessary to set firm boundaries with her and to move forward without feeling guilt.

GL!

Mine is graduating from college in May and moving back home. We have a plan in place. She is to keep her job she has now at Krogers until she secures a FT in her field. She will receive her bills and be responsible for them. She believes she has a job lined up and if so she will be moving out of our house in November at the latest.

I have told her that there will be a contract and she will be responsible for her items. I will not be her maid and she will not be a guest which has been a problem in the past. I blew up a while back and it has gotten much better!

I'm so proud of my daughter but part of my job as her mother is to ensure that she is a productive member of society. Mooching off her parents does not achieve that goal.

We started having these conversations before she went to college. I made it clear to both that our responsibility is concluded once they get their college degrees. I'm not paying for them forever!!!

You need to get a plan together. She doesn't think there are consequences because there hasn't been before. However, you can't just kick her out. You helped create this situation, now you have to help her cultivate these skills that she should have learned before. Tough love.

I might be the odd one out BUT I disagree partly. I had a crappy home life and moved out and had a fullt time job and went to school full time by 18 and I never got to enjoy myself much. I want my daughter to live it up and get it out of her system and travel before 23 so after 23 she can be responsible. Also 90% of people who I know that went to college right away (myslef included) picked a major they regretted and were burnt out on school and didn't try hard in college.
I agree there should be a timeline. If this was my daughter I'd ask what her goals in this time were. I'd demand the 100 a month and also want to know what she always wished for (I'd encourage traveling somehow, either a semester in school in another county, or volunteering or working at some natural park far away) all things I never got to do, because once you really START life theres no going back. Theres no traveing when you have an apartment unless you're rich. I'd think about what you want for her. Give her timelines. She must have some goals, either to save up to travel, for a car, start thinking of school, start thinking of a career. While I agree she shouldn't have no expectations I wouldn't be pushing her to decide her future so quickly. I'd J. expect some goals and hopes, even if the had nothing to do with long term success
ADDED: BE GLAD (even if annoyed) SHES COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO WANT TO STAY HOME=) My friend went to college, then undergrad, then grad school and lived at home for all but undergrad. Ypu until he was 31. He J. moved out, He loved his parents and was happy and also had goals. He wanted to save up 20% for a home, he wanted to pay down school debt, he wanted to be settled in his career. He did all and finally moved out earlier this year and now finally has a serious gf and shes moving in next week! Some people J. don't work off timelines

apparently your consequences for lack of follow-through aren't tough enough. nothing more annoying than having to nag an adult to do their fair share.
as with so many things, it comes back to boundaries. they are good for everyone. it means that she clearly understands what's expected and what the consequences are, and it means you don't have to constantly reiterate your position.
but you have to be consistent for this to work.
maybe she should start with just renting a room somewhere (not at your house) while she figures out how to manage a budget. there are also lots of good community college classes on just this sort of thing.
you can offer to help her out logistically, ie working out a budget, cooking, finding laundromats etc, but don't take over and DON'T let her come home for it. set a time frame for her move out date and mean it.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Dr. Phil has some EXCELLENT advice on getting kids out of the house. Really, they either need to go to college or some sort, even if it's just for a year technical license, or they need to start a career... not just some small job making $7 an hour.

You all can help her make some goals and give her deadlines. Such as, in 2 months you need to have a full time job or be enrolled in school... and 6 months you need to be out. I would take her down to your local community college's guidance counselor, perhaps she will see something for an Associates degree that will inspire her. You need a to have a heart to heart, if she has no degree or no career ambitions, than how does she expect to support herself as an adult? She needs to start, yesterday. You need to show some tough love here.... NOW. Teach her how to budget her money and what real life expenses and savings are all about... and why getting ambitious about education (or military) is necessary.

Dr. Phil's advice as well as a few shows you can watch:

http://drphil.com/articles/article/138
http://drphil.com/shows/show/29

Quadruple her rent tomorrow and save half of it for her for the next 2 years.
Together, decide on a time-frame/goal.
Let her use what you've saved as her security, first and last months rent.

You might want to consider signing her up for a money management class (Look at the Dave Ramsay website), and introducing her to the magic of saving money and earning interest.

I'd probably sell my house and move - then let her figure out where she's going (and it wouldn't be with me).

It's for her own good that you push her out of the nest.

I say this as a homeschooling mom who absolutely dreads the day my sons leave home.

Good luck.

She's going to need some help making a plan. I would say as long as she's made a plan and is sticking to it, then I would let her stay. But if she's not doing the plan, then she gets 3 months to move out.

Some kids need more help than others, some need a push and others need a shove! She needs a plan, whether it's some kind of trade school or a job with opportunities for advancement. What does she want to do? Perhaps that is the problem, she doesn't know and she doesn't know how to figure it out.

You can make it a helpful procedure. Sit her down and let her know you're here to help, but she needs a plan. She needs to WRITE the plan down, and you're going to have to help her. She will need to think of everything to put in the plan, and she probably won't know where to start.

She will need to know what kinds of expenses to expect when she gets her own place. She probably doesn't know how much rent is, or what you can get for certain rent prices. She also probably doesn't have any clue how much it costs for heat/AC, electricity, gas, TV, phone, etc. I know at 19 I didn't know. Once she knows all that, then she can see how much money she needs to make each month.

Writing it all out on paper with her can give her a starting point. She will need to make a certain amount each month JUST to live. It might help if you looked at apartments with her so she can see what you can get for each amount of money. I know my brother had ideas of what kind of place he wanted and when he actually looked at what you could get he worked harder to make more money!

Your daughter might just be very overwhelmed with the hugeness of it all and is just not confronting it. I'm not positive that you need to shove her out of the nest right this minute--I would take the helpful approach and get her to SEE what needs to be done, and then get on a career path. Then, if she strays from the path or won't get on the path at all, you can set the fire underneath her!

Good luck!

Give her three months to find an apartment, roommate -all of that stuff. Sit down with her or buy her a guide so she understands exactly what all she will have to pay for -rent, utilities, car -if she can get one plus insurance -any extras like cable and groceries. Tell her she has to move out and grow up. She will NEVER grow up as long as you let her stay there and get away with not doing anything paying $100 a month.

After working her butt off to scrape everything together, she may even decide to go to college or get further training in something. You may want to discuss other options with her as well -like learning a trade that she could use to support herself. There are many that don't require a college degree like dental hygeniest, medical assistant, vet tech, etc.

You have to force her out though. I've watched a few different family members never force their kids and right now they have in one family a 26 and 20 year old (neither of whom even have a driver's license) and in the other a 30 year old. No college degrees -nothing. They're all emotionally and maturity stunted and quite honestly I don't know what will ever happen to them.

I would raise her rent up to a rate that's competitive with what she would pay if she had a roommate and were sharing an apartment. Stop making living at home a deal that she can't pass up. That way even if she's not ready to move out - which I think is common at this age - at least she's not mindlessly spending her money and getting nowhere. You can secretly save all of those rent payments and surprise her with some financial help down the road. For example, when she finally decides to move, you could give her back some of that money to buy furniture or make some car payments or something else that will help her to get ahead but won't enable her. Nineteen is still really young for some kids. There are worse things out there than having a 19-year-old at home, like having a 19-year-old move in with a boyfriend or move into an apartment and party all the time, but there's no reason you can't make her have adult responsibilities in your home while she figures out what she wants to be when she grows up. And honestly, good for her for not wasting time and money on college if it's not a good fit for her right now. I know many young adults that age who just go and waste a couple of years because they can't say "no" to what their parents want for them.

A friend of mine delt with this and her 21 yr old (who couldnt keep a job for long) It sounds like DD has a job-she challenge her to find a place where she could live on $100/month. You need to put your foot down and set up a time line for 3 months or 6 months to find a place, but do not do the work for her! That shows no responsibility on her part-but do tell her that on ____ date, she needs to have her own place or another person to stay with. In the mean time she needs to pay you the set amount of money or you quit providing for her (I know you are her mother-but she is taking advantage of you). My friends daughter was on a shared phone plan-that went away, mom bought groceries for the rest of the family and only cooked for them, gave her chores that ultimately affected her, quit doing her laundry, the daughter started to paying SOME money, yet mom didnt provide anything back but food. A week before the 6 month date, the mom packed up daughters stuff rented a storage unit for 1 month. Gave daughter key, girl figured out mom was serious!! Now girl, holds down job-pays her bills-resides at home sometimes and at boyfriends mostly. For them it was a eye opener-seems a bit extreme, but sometimes extreme is how you ned to go to get a message across.

I would have a sit-down with her. It's been a year and she is not a full-time student. It's your home. YOU make the rules. Tell her that she's had a year and has gotten no farther from home in that time than the day she graduated. She "needs" two more years? Really? I think she's just enjoying having no chores, and only paying $100 for everything. Whose car is she driving?

IF I agreed to more time, it would not be 2 years. I'd draw up a lease for 6 months or a year. If YOUR terms are not met, then she can't live there. She doesn't like the terms? Move out! I would make the chores a condition of her lease. If she's using your vehicle, she should be paying insurance, gas, maintenance and a rental fee. Basically, make it a lot less comfortable. She's 20, right? She can pony up.

One thing I told DH was that no way was the next year (if SS doesn't move in with friends) going to be like last summer. SS would sleep all day, let his alarm go off for an hour (right below my work space) and had to be nagged to take out the trash, etc. like he was a child. He got meals and electricity and hot water and a room to himself for free. I give him credit that he lost his job at the end of the summer, but then it was party time and the only reason I didn't explode was because it was temporary since he returned to campus. But indefinite? Two years? Time to unfeather that nest, IMO.

You can also make it a condition that she must attend a class on personal financial management (that she pays for) and must pass with a B or better.

Don't just be annoyed. Be mad. And then give HER the plan for YOUR home. She can take it or leave it.

hi, I haven't read all your responses but here is what my Mom did... she told my sister when she came home from college for the summer that she had two weeks to get a job or she would get one for her... my sister did not get a job so my mom signed her up to be a Candy Striper at the local hospital, with no paycheck! so now she had to work and didn't get paid for it... but on the bright side she ended up loving nursing and is very successful in her field. Prior to this experience she wanted to be an Orchestra Conductor, yeah, like that was going to happen, she was terrible at music! hope that helps!

otherwise my advice would be that if she wants to live at home she either needs a job or full time school, but kicking them out is the hardest.

I agree with a lot of the other posts below about setting a timeline, sharing what you expect and letting her know that it is OK to stay, but no free rides here.
I do hear you, though, that she is having a difficult time saving. I would share with her that if she can't come up with the $ you will need to take her items (clothes, electronics, furniture, etc) and consign them to make payments - just like real adults have to do.
also, I am curious if that would keep her from flitting away her $ on stuff she wants and time out instead of paying you what you all agreed to.
I guess when she is out of stuff - you go for the car . . . maybe an in-home repo since it is probably yours anyways. . .
Good luck. A difficult situation.

Give her a time line. She has to get a good paying job, buy a car, start looking for the necessities of living on her own. She will need kitchen supplies, dishes, pots and pans, ect. She will need bath towels, cleaning supplies, furniture ect. Start taking her shopping for the necessary items for her own apartment. Let her see how much it will cost her to move out.

Give her the chance to decide what she will do with her life. She has the choice of joining the military, going to school, getting into an apprentice or training program or finding a really good job. She has 60 days to make up her mind or move. Unfortunately you can not light a fire under your kids. They will do what they want until you or circunstances make them make a decision.
I tried with my youngest he about drove me crazy. Then his girlfriend became preggers and he has to get his own place and support a baby. He found a job and a place to live fast -- he grew up fast because he had to.

You have to do something NOW. I have two (separate) family members that are going through this very thing now. In one case, the son is 30 years old, still lives with his mom, has a job now and again but never for long. She still buys his Shampoo, soap, food, everything! The other family member has a son who is 28 and same thing is going on. These boys don't even bother looking for jobs. They sit around the house and do nothing. I have never seen a more waste on society. I am only slightly older than these two boys and have a career, nice house, married with two kids. I don't understand how anyone this age could have no ambition to do anything with their lives.

My point is that your daughter is still young. She probably just needs a push from you. I know that a lot of kids this age are just under a lot of pressure about what they are going to do with their lives that they are stuck in that fear and do nothing. I was on my own when I was 17 and was forced to pay all of my own bills and put myself through college. I don't necessarily think it's the best way to learn. But, she needs to feel some sense of urgency to make something of herself before she is that 30 year old laying on your couch all day.

As others said, give her a plan that she needs to follow. Make her put a certain amount of each paycheck into savings and a certain amount towards rent (obviously more than $100). Let her know that if she doesn't go to college, she needs to have a plan and a goal and start working towards it. Sit down and have a rational conversation about this and show concern, not condemnation. If she knows that you are doing this for HER benefit, maybe she will understand (but probably not!). Some kids just need a push.

Good luck! I'm glad my kids are just babies and I don't have to go through this yet.

hmm. Change the locks? Just kidding!

I would say get her to get a job. Sit down with her, and really discuss things she may want to do. Make lists of options. See if she may want to go to some vocational school, ex:
- sono technician
- dental hygienist
- hairstylist/beautician

etc etc. OR she just gets a job as a waitress, or a hostess, or a walmart cashier, or a mcdonalds drive thru attendant, whatever. Doesn't matter.
I would not be mean, but I would be firm.

It is very interesting to hear from parents with bigger children, as a mom of 3 little ones (1 yo, 4 yo and 5 yo) all I can see is how tough it is to get everyone dressed and out of the house, or to clean up their rooms etc, but with bigger kids come different problems!

Since mine are little, I am not an expert! Just trying to be helpful. This was not an issue for me and my brothers. None of us lingered, we had a small apartment, one bathroom, and 3 bedrooms, and parents who both worked, so things were not cushy and easy street. Nobody did our laundry or made us meals, etc. So all of us were out at 18.

Good luck!

It is tough out there, But if your D has no motivation to move out, she probably won't. I would not pull the rug out from under her all at once. But I would compromise and give her one more year. Give her household responsibilities and have her pay rent, at least 100 bucks seems reasonable. My D will NOT have the option of living at home unless she's going to college FT. There are no opportunities without going to college or a trade school, IMO. You Need to have a date, like May 1, 2013. You're not doing her any favors by letting her drift.

It is really hard for young adults these days - cost of living is so high and entry level wages are not.

IMO, you should tell DD that she can have her two years at home under certain conditions. Those conditions are that she work full time, she pays $200 per month for rent, and she follows a budget that you and she work out that will allow her to save enough money to purchase a car within 18 months.

If she does this, then she can stay for another 2 years; but the minute her rent isn't paid, she falls off the budget, or she isn't working, she has to go. Explain to her that your legal obligation to her is over and anything you do for her now is out of the kindness of your heart, not obligation. She needs to understand that and that you now have choices that you didn't have before.

I would also take her $200/mo. rent and put it away and give it back to her when she moves so she has a little cush. Don't tell her you're going to do this, just do it as a happy surprise when she moves.