Housewife Stressing Out!!!

We were in this same place 16 years ago, so I started my own daycare, been doing it ever sence. I make almost 2000.00 a month. J.

First, take a deep breath.
You have it right: you need to take care of yourself first.
It's like when you are on an airplane & the speech before take off says
in case of emergency you need to secure your oxygen mask first before
your child's so you can be of assistance and actually help.
One thing at a time:
*are there any bills you can pare down: cable etc
*is there something you can do to bring in $ while you stay at home?
my girlfriend takes care of kids after school. Neighbor kids that go to
school w/her kids
*be sure you are not spending any $ frivolously: mochas, movie rentals
*can you see a counselor to discuss the loss of your sister. For that, I am
deeply sorry.
*can you put the family feud on the back burner for right now? Because
your mental/physical health take precedence, taking care of your marriage (low income counseling available in some areas)
*go see a dr for health issues. if you don't have health insurance, go to a med7 or something similar please. Don't ignore your health.
*I wouldn't worry about the no babysitting/dates nights for just a second or two. Tackle some of the bigger problems first.
*remember: this too shall pass. It's always darkest before dawn. The storm WILL clear. Help yourself & you will get help!
*you are not the only ones w/debt. Pay what you can, where you can. For example: food, house, electricity bills paid first.
*Can your older kids help w/2 things: take the garbage out & get their clothes ready for school
*maybe back off of some of your school involvement for your boys right now
*have a garage sale to sell everything you don't need! do it now before the weather gets worse
*can't afford a date night? how about some time at home alone w/hubby when kids are in bed like a fun late night treat, watching a show together that you both like, give each other 10 min shoulder massages (quick easy & touch helps to re-connect), make a short list of 5 goals you would like for your family (make them attainable, must be reasonable), watch the comedy channel for 15 mins to relieve stress: laughter helps
*take your days in chunks: 1 day @ a time or in 2 hr incrments
*read the funnies for a quick chuckle
*laughter helps relives stress. It's not the end all.
*Yes, this too shall pass..it takes a wee bit of time
* stress relief: walk around the block when hubby can watch the kids, laugh (comedy channel, call a friend you know will make you laugh.
*one thing at a time, one bill at a time, one day at a time. My heart goes out to you, you're not alone!!!! Hope this helps some.

Breathe deep....hold....let out.... again... repeat times five. This sends a signal to the brain to calm down. You are in a fight or flight response. You are dealing with multiple stressors. Of which one could knock someone breathless, much less multiple. I am truly sorry about your sister. Dealing with that loss will take time. Please start on some birth control if possible. 3 children under seven is a lot for anyone to handle. Cut back a little at the school. You don't have to be Supermom, you are not honoring your children if you do not take good care of their mother. If possible just forget the family feud, it is not worth your energy right now. I am not sure you have any quiet time but it is essential each day to spend some alone time to center and regroup. Keep the holidays simple... maybe you and your husband could take a couple of hours and walk and notice the changing of the seasons, even if you take the children it will help to get out of the house. Years from now those will be the memories you cherish and remember. Kiss your children while they sleep. Warm your feet on your husbands. What would be important if you only had 2 weeks to live? This is what you want to focus on. Everything else is just emotional clutter. I know it is hard to struggle financially. When me and my husband were newlyweds we took to a quarter and walked down to our local laundrymat to play moon patrol together. We were young. We laugh now as we tell our teenagers about how small our apartment was. You could literally have one hand in the bathroom, one leg in the kitchen, your head and neck in the bedroom and have your other hand onto the couch. My husband and I and my multihandicapped 2 year old slept on the twin bed. My brother slept on the couch. Times were tough. We made it because there was not an alternative. Sometimes we fussed...alot. But if you don't have the hard times, you don't appreciate the good times when they come. And they will come. We are rooting for you!

Wow, I can feel your stress! Firstly take a deep breath in, hold, and breathe out - repeat until you feel calmer. I totally hear you and totally relate ... I'd bet the farm there are many, many, many others who feel as "stuck" as you do! You might think I'm crazy, but looking after 6 kids is only slightly more work than looking after 3! What I did was to look after other people's kids (who were close in age to mine) at my house. For me, it was a "no brainer" I got paid for doing what I'd be doing anyway! The "bonus" is that there's a lot less "I'm bored" when there are other kids to play with! When my kids were in kinder I took a job as a sales rep. Not fun, but it worked as I had flexible hours and made sure I did my work while my kids were in kinder and paperwork after bedtime. When kids were both in Primary School I made some money as school librarian and lunch lady (again, bonus is I was at the same school as my kids and we all finished "work" at the same time). Other bonus was that I'd get to see my kids during recess. Now that I've got you started, I'm sure you can come up with other ideas too! Ok - breathe in ...slowly....pause....blow out. See, not as bad as you think! Give hubby a big hug & kiss when he gets home and tell him you appreciate how hard he's been working to provide for your family. You'll be amazed at how much that one little thing will do to improve his mood! :) I trust you'll be successful at anything you put your mind to ... after all, you're a Mama! :)

MamaLucky put it well. Can you get food stamps? The garage sale is a great way to make some quick cash. Cut down on unnecessary food like chips, chocolates, sodas if you have that around. Go to your nearest red cross, see if you could get some used clothing from them. See what your state could give you also. There has to be some kind of financial support out there.
Try not to get overwhelmed. Your kids need you right now and you need you. Take walk with them on a regular basis.
I wish I could offer you more, but we're all struggling a bit.

Sending hugs.
I have SOOO been where you are, and continue to be.

The first thing I did was sit down with hubby and prioritize the bills.
- rent/mortgage
-electric
-water
-insurance (house/car/life)
-phone bill
-food
-credit cards
-cable. turning it off is an option too. I have several friends that have done this. their kids have SO many DVDs and Netflicks. They save a ton a month. Get your news from a newspaper ($10 a month). Netflicks =$8-16 a month.

We do go out to eat as a family, but we go to places like Chili's or Applebees where you get 2 meals + an appetizer for $20. Get it to go and save a tip! Then for the kids I just fix a box of mac-n-cheese and some nuggets. Its what they would've ordered at the restaurant anyway...

Create a written budget.
Have one place where you place all the receipts and balance your checkbook nightly, together. A key piece of being on the same page is trust and knowing that you are working together. That one person isn't splurging $20 a week ($80 a month) at Starbucks or McDs .
That you aren't going out and buying unnecessary things for the house and that he's not going out and splurging on tools or sports.

Now, there should be some wiggle room - sodas, bottles of water, etc. sometimes those just need to be bought.

Try to save something. Even if its just $2-5 a week. Its something.

Our high school has a community service requirement for graduation. Wherein teens can babysit for free and get community service credit.

Another thing that has helped me is LONG, HOT showers! Just wash the stress away at bedtime. Sometimes I just stand there.

Try the $21 challenge to buy your family groceries for the week with $21 (I found it while googling frugal sites). If you have a weekly grocery budget you can keep the leftover cash for savings or just in case. I made really cheap washing powder that works really well ($10 for a Year's worth). Get frugal and find the cash that you already have. You could also try taking in ironing for extra cash or doing some babysitting yourself. Good luck.

First I'd say you need to find a moms group! I love MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and you can search their website www.mops.org to find groups near you. I started going when my oldest was 8 months old, and I would have lost my mind a long time ago if I'd never found that group! Plus some of us trade off watching each others kids, it's more fun for the kids than a babysitter because they get to have a playdate.

As for the money situation, my husband works 2 jobs and I'd been looking for a part time job when I was pregnant until I was so big I figured no one would hire me. After that I started considering businesses where I can work from home, there are a TON of options. You can look on www.dsa.org for the kind of business you might enjoy. Right now I am selling Mary Kay and I love it! Working from home is so flexible, you can choose your own hours, and really the income is whatever you want it to be. I can do 2-3 parties a week, or I can just stay home and sell from my website. My husband is just amazed at how much I've been able to contribute with so little time. Plus I can take the kids along when I need to, which is more than I can say for a "regular" job!

If you have a couple things going for yourself, that changes everything. Good luck!

Wonderful advise so far.
It sounds like you feel like you are alone in a deep hole with all the burdens and no one to help. I have felt this too and it IS very lonely and overwhelming.
Please know that you are not alone - there are a bunch - no - bunches and bunches and well, more bunches of us down here, just turn your heart on (your posting is already starting the flame), count the blessings like a mantra, over and over. Try to think of things that make you smile, even if you say - "puppies and kittens" and it makes you laugh because that is so stupid! Be grateful you can smile take another one of those great long deep breaths while you are smiling and use that energy to do the next thing on the list. ;-)

I was in a similar financial situation, and then I found Dani Johnson – who is a finance & relationship coach. She was recently on Oprah, and ABC’s Secret Millionaire. At the age of 19, she went from homeless to millionaire within two years.

She has a program called War on Debt, and she teaches you how to pay off your debt WITHOUT making any more money than you do right now. She has helped thousands of people get out of debt.

I can go on and on, but you can read more info about her War on Debt program at:
http://www.danijohnson.com/go/75940468p48

I feel your pain!! I really feel like I should be working...we have one child left at home who will start school in the fall. I am already gearing up to get back in the work force.

We make it paycheck to paycheck (mostly)...I am going to have to work to cover retirement, college funds, and any extras.

My husband is just plain grouchy about it...he is really struggling with how much time, effort and money he paid for his education and how low the pay is and forget benefits. He can be a real bear sometimes because he has worked so hard to get ahead and he is at the top of his game...maxed out salary wise.

I have funky days too...today being one of them, I am going to get a few groceries and hope I have enough cash to cover the few items we need.

I am sending you a hug!!

Hi,

I completely understand what you are going through. What helps me is to write out all of my fears, rage, sadness, etc. in a journal. I write freely without looking back and then I say some prayers and write them down in my prayer book and give it all to God. It helps me tremendously not to stress. Also, take a 15 min walk at least 1x a day for releasing all the stress. If you can do it more that once its even better. Hang in there!

M

As other have stated just breath, Don't feel horrible as this is happening all over, the economy sucks, and money cause a ton of problems in a relationship. For us date night is usually a movie in bed or on the couch. pop some popcorn and make sure the kids are in bed. We have a few TV shows that we watch together every week. As for money I work a home business on the side as it allows me to stay home with our 3 kids. There are way to make money on the internet you just have to research them right. Once you think you found it research some more. Biggest thing is to communicate with your husband and get a game plan.

I would say you are helping out financially by caring for the kids. I know moms who work and all their income goes to childcare. Do you have any other moms around you that you could trade babysitting with? This way you could get some alone time, even if it's just doing the grocery shopping by your self. And you and your husband could get out a little more. There are plenty of things you can do that don't cost anything. Take one day at a time and try to find at least one positive thing to focus on each day. Little by little things should get better.

Would you consider childcare? I have friends who watches kids a few times a week. They say if they have to watch kids all day, they might as well get paid for it.

You could also find a church looking for nursery workers. They usually let you bring your own child too.

Look on Craigslist and see if there are any p/t jobs you can do from home. Alot of them are computer jobs. My friend found a job like that working for a busy attorney being his personal assistant, so knowledge about the legal system wasn't a requirement. She handles all his business and runs all his personal errands and they Skype. She hardly sees him in person...maybe once every 2 weeks?

Good luck.

It sucks right now and hope you see some light soon. I know talking helps - find some support in other moms in the area - go to each others house either during or right after school. See if you can set up a swap the kids night or during the day on the weekend with other moms so you can have some alone time with or without hubby. There are many moms who would be willing to do this. Even if you're not very religious I would join a church - church can be a great community and they have the most programs (unless you're already a member of one - talk to your pastor). To get some more money - You could clean houses and bring the kids on the weekend - they can help. Or, you could be a driver during the day for older people who need help getting to appointments or groceries (You could maybe bring kids with you for this). Also, I notice when we are both getting irritated easily - sometimes if you take a few minutes to do something extra special for him then he's more receptive to you taking some time to yourself. Maybe...make his lunch for work, etc... Also, don't have too much pride or be too scared to ask for help.

You got some really great suggestions here, so I'll try not to repeat anything, but it sounds like you are feeling really isolated and I noticed no one mentioned MOMS Club--it's an international group that is in almost every city. Go to the website at http://www.momsclub.org/join.html to find one near you. It might just be nice to get some support from other moms and eventually help each other out by dropping your kids at each others' houses if you need to run errands, go to the dr., or just take some time for yourself. Everyone is busy, but if you both know the other mom will return the favor when you need it, it's a win-win for both moms! And if MOMS Club isn't for you, there may be other moms groups in your area. Go to the Meetup website to see what groups are near you. Please take care of yourself to the best of your ability b/c if you can't function, you can't take good care of your children, either.