Hopeless Romantic

If you really want to continue to have a romantic relationship with him, you could continue living apart and just date when the kids are at their dads. It sounds like they already have a good dad in their lives so he really isn't needed for that.

Your marriage lasted 8 months before you and the kids moved out?
You married him hoping he would change.
That scenario rarely if ever works out.
He didn't want to change.
He doesn't want to change.
He will not change.
He's not going to change.
He is not going to be a good father to your kids.
He wasn't a good father to his own kids.
He's just not interested in raising any - period.
The only way your heart is going to get ahead on this is for you to raise your kids on your own and then when they are grown you can get together with your husband - and then good luck with him being interested in any grandchildren that come along.
If you really enjoy being miserable then by all means keep pursuing this relationship.
When you get tired of doing all the feeling for the both of you and you burn out, then you'll be ready to let him go.
In the mean time your kids will be seeing you mooning over him constantly and figure that this is what passes for normal relationships and then you can watch them make similar choices in their adult lives.
You've been living apart for almost double the length of time you lived together.
For me - this whole mess would be a big case of irreconcilable differences.

You're a hopeless romantic says it all. You are wanting and focusing on romance when you need to be focused on love. The two do not necessarily go together. In reality most of us have to accept love with very little or no romance. Romance goes by the wayside when life with children steps in. Yes a couple can learn to put romance back in their marriage but only if they have a foundation of love.

I suggest you spend some time thinking about the active portion of love. You love your children and so you separated to take care of them. Tho it was painful you did what was best for them. Your husband is not willing to work on your relationship. He isn't able to consider what you and your children need. He didn't participate in parenting his children. I suggest he is not able to love.

I wonder why you love him. What does he do for you? I suggest that you get counseling so that you can get past this. He's telling you with his words and actions that he's emotionally unavailable. It would be extremely unusual for him to change.

I would go to counseling to try to understand myself better . . . i.e., why am I so attracted to someone who sounds like a with-holder?

Most of the answers come from within.

Good luck. Please get counseling (for yourself) for your kids' sake so you don't experience this confusion again.

You lost me when you said he didn't treat your kids well but you still love him...
It seems like reality doesn't match your ideals.
Don't settle.
Raise your kids. Keep them at the top of the list!

I think you need to change your language. You call you 2nd husband your best friend but would a best friend really not embrace your children. You said he has hurt you, would a best friend and good husband do that? Although he may love you, I am sorry to say he doesn't appear to love you enough. If he did he would want to fix your problems to be with you and your kids. You say you are still in love with him. Why? Is he deserving of your love? Shouldn't you expect from him what you gave of yourself?

I have not walked in your shoes but I am quite certain I could not and would not love a man who wasn't good to my children. He was not even good to his own children so why would expect that he would change. Listen to your head. Your heart is not rational.

It might be helpful to take a step back and look at your definition of the word love. Too often we think what we are feeling is love when it is actually attachment or fear (fear of being alone, unaccepted, or unloved).

Also, do you love this actual man or do you love the picture of who you want this man to be? In your romantic fantasy you focus on a man that you want and yet, in reality, this man does not sound like the man you want in your life. It is important to take that step back and separate fantasy from reality.

When we listen to our heart we need to be very careful that we aren't listening to our "wounded heart." It is important to understand that too many of us have wounded hearts that need to be healed so that we can be real about love and what love really means. Wounded hearts will never be able to have and accept healthy love.

A good counselor can support you in healing your wounded heart and discover why you cling to a fantasy rather than being able to see the reality of the other person and make clear choices.

Another word you might question is the word romantic. Romantic is fine when it is used more like a verb and you are romantic in your actions. It is dangerous when you use the word to put on fantasy glasses and observe the world through what you wish it was rather than what it actually is.

Well, for one, you can't expect everyone to be at the same place with kids. I am a 10 yr veteran stepmother and I still want to hang my stepkids by their toenails sometimes, for things that bug me but not their dad. I love them, but not the same as DD and they do not love me the same as their parents. I married their dad when they were 8 and 13 and he's been their dad since the day they were born. MUCH different. You say you felt he loved them but didn't "embrace" them. What does that mean? YOUR ability to open up to his kids has no bearing on his ability to open up to yours. I'm also guessing here that they do not live with you, while your girls do. Apples and oranges. Each relationship is its own. It can take 7+ YEARS for a family to "blend", so 2 years is a drop in the bucket. You can't expect to put people together and hit "puree". That's just a mess. To be honest, a problem many stepparents have is that they jump in with both feet and good intentions and it blows up in their face. If you wanted something from the movies, that's generally not realistic.

The rest of it, though...if you've been apart for most of your marriage, then just call it off, IMO. Get therapy for yourself to address why you want to salvage this and why you married someone who could not provide the emotional support you wanted for yourself or your children. Find out if your standards for a stepfamily are appropriate or if you are asking too much too soon. You don't specify what it was that bothered you so it's hard to tell if he was draconian or if he was just finding his place. You also don't say why he wasn't there for his kids. There are many reasons, some of them not about a father's desire to be a part of their lives, but due to bad circumstances. There are lots of crazy women out there.

You also say you are a hopeless romantic. So what does that mean? Do you have to always have that lightheaded feeling you get with a new love? If so, do you underappreciate when a relationship is routine and day to day but still loving and caring? And you say you are still best friends with your ex but call your estranged husband your best friend as well. You can have more than one best friend, but it makes me wonder - if you and your ex got along so well, why did you divorce?

I wouldn't even date a man that didn't put his kids first!

Counseling for yourself and your kids. You can't do it for him. He'll have to make that choice. Just because it's HARD to share his feelings, doesn't mean it's impossible. You need to take care of you and your kids - don't sacrifice their love for him if he's not willing to work on loving ALL of you in a healthy way. Counseling makes a difference - find the right one and keep moving forward.

If he is that quiet, he may not know how to communicate in a relationship even if he is an adult.

I would see if you could get him to go to marriage therapy for a few months.
A good marriage therapist will be able to get your non-communicator to communicate if he agrees to go !

Tell him that divorce is not an option until he goes to therapy w/ you. It could save your relationship.Do you think he would go?

Love does not prevail and will not prevail. His actions are what you should take at face value.

Stop dreaming of the "romance"!! In day to day stuff he did not treat your children well, was not involved in his own children's lives, is not a great communicator, refuses to work at the relationship and it is difficult to get him to express his true feelings.

And...why are you still fantasizing about a life with this man?!? LIsten to your friend. Friends often see what we are unable or unwilling to see in plain sight because we are so filled with dreams,hopes and fantasies that will never come to fruition.

Get a divorce and raise your kids with your ex husband/kids' daddy/best friend. Your kids will do so much better now and in the future having their own biological parents raising them,nurturing them and loving them. Don't introduce into their lives other people who don't care about them...especially don't marry one.

Maria..stop looking for a man to fill you up and be a new daddy to your kids. Wait til your 3 are grown and moved on. Then go look for the love of your life. Yes..you deserve love,attention,fulfillment,romance etc. But..not at the expense of your children's physical and emotional safety. I don't know what this state trooper did to your kids..but it was enough to warrant you leaving. God bless you for putting your kids first..good job M.!!

Find a great network of gal pals to be a support to you and to go out with occasionally to have fun. Keep the communication going strong with your kids' daddy. Surround yourself outside of your home with people that love you and the kids. But don't bring another man into your life and home. It is not good for your kids. They have already been through two men in their home..that are now living on their own.

I am sure there are a lot of us out there who had that little twink that told us we were in love but marrying the wrong person. I had that in my first marriage and to this day I sometimes think about that yearning love I had for my first husband. I tell my children (grown up) that I didn't divorce him because I didn't love him, I divorced him because I had to. He was definitely emotionally unavailable like your husband was. But time to time I still think about it. I have been married now over eighteen years to my wonderful husband. He helped me raise those children from my first husband who my heart couldn't let go and to tell you the truth unless something proves otherwise, that is really love. I think the love you describe was not your best friend or he would be looking out for you, caring about your children and since you are open he should be able to express his feelings to you. It is important that you realize that sometimes we do not have true love in our hearts, we have the gothic romance kind of love, the romance unavailable and the hoping that we will have a solution for that. We don't always. It is usually only in the novels. We live in a world where we are human and need love and we cannot control how other people act. Continue to love what you had with this man, but know that there is someone out there who will love you, your children and also be your best friend. And remember your past in a different light.

As the stepdaughter of a similar man, I applaud you for putting your kids first. But I am also happy that my family got through that difficult time where he was getting used to what it meant to have raise kids. It was really, really hard, especially on my sister and me. But now we have a stepfather who is wonderful to our mother, pretty good with my kids and we are so glad he stayed in our lives. I can't imagine my mother being alone as she ages.
Ask him to go see a therapist with you and make it clear that it is non-negotiable. It really helped us.

When people show you who they are....believe them. He really doesn't know how to care for your children, since he never raised his own. You want him to do something that he has no clue how to do, unfortunately. I would suggest counseling, if he would go. Even if he doesn't you should go. He can't have it both ways and you may have to lay downs some ultimatums, but then again, do those really work?

what about him made him a 'best friend' before you married him?
what were the red flags that you noticed going into it?
what do you mean about him embracing your kids? it's too much to expect him to treat them as his, and would be confusing and difficult for them if he did. relationships take time to grow. just because you married him doesn't mean that he and your kids will have an instant bond.
not sure what the comment about being a state trooper means. i think state troopers can be excellent, warm and involved parents.
'for the sake of your children' it may well be great that you moved out, but they're also experiencing the trauma of two failed households in their short lives. have you told your husband in calm, certain tones that counseling is a must? if he loves you, non-communicator or not, he'll be willing to try it. if he's not, it's time to move on, but i hope 'for the sake of your children' that you don't let your hopeless romanticism put them in this position again.
maybe you can go ahead and raise your kids as a single parent and THEN get back with this fellow.
khairete
S.

Seems to me that just remembering how he treated your children would quell the romantic feelings. I know I couldn't continue to be in love with someone who didn't treat my GD well. I could kick him to the curb in an instant because my love for her is so great.

In fact, when I first got guardianship of my GD, my hubby didn't treat her like "our" child. After two weeks, I told him point blank, either your attitude toward her with change IMMEDIATELY or you will be moving out. I will not have her living somewhere where it is clear she is not unconditionally loved. The very next day, things changed and have gotten better every day. They now have a WONDERFUL relationship. If it hadn't changed, I most definitely would have made him leave. I have too much compassion and empathy to make her live where she doesn't feel unconditional love. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

Advice on what? "I knew going into the marriage it would be a struggle". So you are not together because of the way he treats your kids. Sounds like you made the right decision to me. I would go ahead and file for divorce and be done with it. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK. Stay single until your kids are on their own so you don't run into this again. Good luck.