Holidays coming...losing It!

why are you moving to where the ex is your asking for a nightmare. he can do court by phone on visitation and child support. how much would it cost you to move there? is your rent cheaper where you are? you are bieng silly I am not trying to be mean but to be in the same town with an ex is basically asking for a divorce. once you move can you afford the attorney? you can do court cases by phone my so has. his ex is in colorado and he did a couple from kansas and okla. quit being silly and stressing yourself out. not trying to be mean just reasonable.

I'm sorry you feel like you have to move closer to the ex, I also believe this is a manipulation and a recipe for disaster. Your Grandma is probably anxious and looking for some coddling b/c of her Alzheimers. It sounds like she needs some home health aides. That will also relieve your burden a bit. I think if everyone wants to continue to hold the holidays at your (her) house, the family has to chip in. Bottom line: tell them you're overwhelmed with taking care of grandma by yourself (are they even helping with that?) and need help to pull it together, but you'd love to continue the tradition with their help. Ask for specific favors, butter people up: "I know you make a great ____. Could you bring that for Christmas?" "Could you help me clean and we'll order a pizza?" I hope this works!

My grandma passed away due to complications from Alzheimer's when she was 85. I think working around grandma's condition is the healthy thing for grandma especially since her years are pretty much numbered now. This would be a good time to really talk to family members and lay all the cards on the table and have everyone's input on what you ALL should do with Grandma. I don't think I could up and leave her either since you've been living under her roof for a while and she's used to the routine (which is very important to Alzheimer sufferers).
Have a talk with Grandma and ask her what she would do if you were to move... her answer may surprise you. You probably need to get on board with family, Grandma's doc, and Grandma herself to prepare for this huge change. You definitely would feel guilty if you just sprung it on her at the last minute. Be open minded when you discuss Grandma's future with the rest of the family, you being her caregiver for so long puts you in a different position and I'm sure everyone has been relieved that you have been there for her..... it may be a difficult transition for everyone involved if you do in fact move.
Good luck with this. Grandma's are priceless, I miss mine so much. But you do have a life too, just try to figure out the best way to make these changes... it will take some good, mature planning.

This is a tough situation and you sound like someone who is pretty upfront about things and not afraid to be direct when necessary. I don't think there is 1 right answer but you and your husband should list out different options and talk about the pros/cons.

Questions that arise for me just from the limited info you have given.

Are the problems with the ex really going to be solved by moving closer or is it going to only get worse?

If you are not there to care for grandma, then what care options will be put in place? It is unlikely she will be able to stay in her home long with the age and Alz factor. Does she have $ for in home care/assistance? Can you find trusted help for her? Will she tolerate it? Many Alz patients can't handle having a "stranger" in their house.

How does moving now affect your family financially?

In terms of the holidays, discuss options with other family members. Either you need the holidays to be celebrated elsewhere (time for the torch to be passed) or you need financial assistance to hire someone to come in a clean grandma's house since your plate is too full.

Good luck to you and huge holiday hug.

Your grandmother is 84. It's time the tradition was passed on to the next generation. She cannot cook or shop so one of her children has to step in.
You have more than enough to do caring for her. I do not read that others in the family are helping you or staying with her when you must go away.
Call and tell them that the dinner cannot be at grandma's house as she is not capable of being the hostess anymore.
One of them will come forward or everyone will find another place to go.

When my son was four and a half months, I was still staying at home in my PJs and not going out very much. You should not be expected to clean up and prepare anything on your own for the holidays. How far do your relatives live? I think you should just be honest and ask for everyone's help to clean up the house AND cook. Or, just let them know that the house won't be very clean and still let them know that it'll be a potluck.

I think all of you (the entire family) need to have a sit-down to discuss grandma. A person with full-blown Alzheimer's CANNOT live alone. Whether you move sooner or later, a care plan needs to be in place and everyone needs to be on board. You say g'ma is "manipulating" you and "playing" you and tries to get you to feel sorry for her. This may be how you interpret her behavior, but sorry to say, she has a degenerative brain disease and these actions are no longer under her control. Yes, people with Alz are often anxious - is she on meds to alleviate these symptoms? Please know that I'm not criticizing here - I have been down this very sad path with my father and witnessed all kinds of behavior I didn't understand at first as being part of the disease. My point is, I guess, that it's time for the whole family to get involved in her care, because you will no longer be living with her - whether the decision is to place her in a facility, move her in with another family member, hire a full-time caregiver or whatever you all decide. Sounds like it's time for others to step up. At the very least, someone else should host the family celebrations to ease some of the burden from you. Why don't you just talk to them and tell them your concerns?

Having had a dad with Alzheimer's and a mom with dementia, I suggest that you call her doctor and have her put on anxiety meds if she isn't already on them. Tell the doctor what is going on. These drugs help out immensely. It is time for the next generation to take over the holidays--grandma should be done with that. Also, I would be looking into an assisted living facility for grandma. I placed my mother in one and she loves it. This is a huge step, but it will ease your stress level so that you can focus on your family.