We are invited to my in laws for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go, there is alot of negative history with them. They are okay now but I always feel bad vibes in the air and its like we are pretending to be nice and civil. I like to talk things out and figure out why people have been mean to me for their reasons which if we had a chance to talk they would realize were I was coming from. Their just judgemental and controlling. My husband says they sweep everything under the rug like it never happened. They don't know me and have never given me that chance sometimes I feel like they are robots just living in their own little world. This creates issues between my husband and myself, he says its only for a few hours but if you knew what they have done to me, its not good at all! I also didn't get to type in so what happened because I ran out of room, just to add my husband is a mama's boy and is afraid of her and won't stand up to her. He says that s just the way they are. Well sorry I am a good person who has had alot of bad things happen to me, don't want anymore problems from nasty people who have never had to live in my shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can see what everyone is saying, but first of all I will never be a Mil because my son died when he was 8yrs old in an accident. I had him with my first husband we are divorced, this is my second marriage 20ty yrs. My in laws have a law firm shewas going to have my sons death investigated but told my husband she decided not to. Also we had a foster son for 10 yrs, it was a mess, he was in and out of hospitals for nine of those yrs with mental illness, he used to push me around and threatened to kill us. My MIL said we were bad parents, that there is no such thing as mental illness. I have ignored so many other things that have been done but I feel like I am @ the end of my rope. Fathers day we gave my FIL a book about Abe Lincoln < spelling I thought he would like it because he is a lawyer. He always sends a diary page about any event and what presents etc, he included that my husband and me sent him an abe joke book.
Have a couple of glasses of red :) It helps in these situations. I have been (am still) dealing with this. When they make their comments or upset you...the wine helps to let it roll off. For me anyway. Good luck.
I would do this for your husband. With marriage its doing things sometimes you don't want to do but you do them anyway to make your spouse happy.
You need to go for your husband's sake, especially if they're ok now. The only way to repair the relationship is to move forward and make little victories. It may take a long time, but if everyone can be polite and not go back to the old habits, it will get better or at least more comfortable every year.
Discomfort creates a negative cycle, and it's hard to change. I had a very uncomfortable relationship with my dad for a while (I was in my 20's). I wanted it to change, so I had to change MY thoughts about it - I decided to treat him as a peer, and not as a parent, so that I wouldn't take his negative comments personally (that's he personality). It took a while, but it DID change and our relationship is MUCH better.
Build on the tiny positives - at least YOU know that you are making an effort and giving your husband love at the same time.
A few hours to make your husband lose the emotional guilt trip his family has put on him is not too much of a sacrifice.
Just go, be happy.... and be glad you arent a part of the gene pool.
If its only a few hours go and be civil. Doesn't mean you have to be chatty or over friendly. But do your best to go and have a good time for your husband's sake. Let what happened stay in the past and try to move forward the best you can. Like everyone has said, do this for your husband.
i would go, having worked it out with my husband beforehand that we would only stay a few hours and leave promptly at an agreed-upon time. it's a shame it's a tense situation, but families are difficult entities. at some point you will likely be a MIL and it's good to get the practice in now for being gracious. you'll want that grace extended to you.
khairete
S.
Go for a few hours and make small talk. Stay for an agreed-upon duration of time and leave when that time is up. We usually cut-out before dessert.
This is what I have been doing with my in-laws for years. They don't know me at all, despite having been with my husband for 7 years. They think I'm an elementary school teacher (I'm a special education administrator) and then openly talk about how over-paid public school teachers are, how special education is useless and how they wouldn't allow "the school" to test my niece. My MIL also loves to remind me that "formal education" is worthless (I started my doctoral work recently) Thanks and good luck with those profound articulation errors! Should I insist that she start addressing my mail to "Dr. P..."? Probably not, but it would be fun to have that conversation b/c they don't want to talk about anything else, like my FIL's raging alcoholism, the rampant depression in the family or total lack of interaction with our children.
My husband doesn't particularly enjoy his family gatherings, but is very close to his twin brother (who is equally disgruntled with the family). We go so that neither of them has to go alone and it keeps us from getting the "family a-hole" status (as we jokingly call it).
Doesn't matter what they've done to you, what matters is what your husband has done for you. He's the man in your life, he loves you and he's asking you to do this for him. I'm sure you're very capable of acting like a grown up and being polite at a family gathering for a few hours. It will make your husband happy, that's what you need to care about.
Obviously you aren't going to have a close relationship with these people, but you can be kind and polite for a few hours every year. Don't bring anything up, just smile and pretend like you like them.
I feel your pain! my in-laws were not the best either. they didn't like me and took things out on my kids.too long a story to go into. I would suggest that if your husband is really close to his parents, that you suck it up and go..but only for a short while. make sure that you have somewhere else to be and stick to your time frame. I don't know if you are close with your family, but you really don't want to battle about this stuff forever. give him the couple of hours, just sit quietly, eat a little etc. You don't have to gush over them, etc. Just be supportive of your husband. remember that you're doing it for him, not them and make sure that he does the same for you.
I would pretend, my MIL is really nice but very flaky and we smile and don't say anything, she is very fragile long story. Sometimes it's good to do that.
We stopped talking to my husbands dad and his new wife 3 years ago becasue she was nasty she would smile to your face then stab you in the back, passive aggressive and FIL supported her, she was cause problems with our kids. She lied to family members and some of them don't talk to us she caused so many problems. We stopped talking to them, it was really bad. My FIL passed away last Dec 23 so we don't have any obligation to have anything to do with his wife.
I think if you can smile and blow off the goofy things they say then you should again as long as it isn't a poisonous relationship but your husband has to agree otherwise you are stuck being around them.
