Holiday Problems.

K., I was like a stepmom for two years until my boyfreind cheated on me and we broke up. But, his kids hated their mom so it wasn't hard for me to win their hearts. If your husbands kids are happy with their mother and their traditions, then trying to but in and be a part of it may cause more problems than you think. Create new traditions that are nothing like the traditions they already know. Be different than the mom. Be a refreshing change for them. Also, respect their love of their mother and their old life. If you do, they will have more respect for you. They are at a tough age for this. Ask them openly, 'what are some things you guys have been wanting to do that you dont get to do?' Let them answer you, no matter how long it takes and make sure they know that your ears are always open. Do those things with them. For the girl, it may mean coming down to her level of a 15 year old and take her shopping at the mall. Buy her the outfit her mom would say no to, you can argue w/ mom later. But, at least she saw that you understood her feelings and stuck up for her.
As for the Christmas traditions- learn about the traditions they already have. Ask questions about them and act interested, but don't try to be a part of them . There is no room for you, hate to say it, and you have to admit that. Then, create new traditions for the kids that are yours/theirs alone. Completely different and new. Always make it look like you have an open mind, never act hurt or intimidated. Have the attitude, 'if you don't like this, fine. I'm still gonna enjoy myself.' -They will come to appreciate you.
Your hubby will also be impressed if you create a different 'home' than what they have w/mom. And I realy stress the word different.
Hope this helps, if you have more questions feel free to reply.
S. S

This is more about the divorce and blended families then christmas. this is just what brings out the little problems that exist. It isnt easy. You will have to find a place in the existing traditions without trying to change them too much which would upset the step kids. I suggest counceling for the family. there sounds to be things going on that needs to be aired in a safe enviornment.

You need to just fit into what they are already doing. You are a very new addition to their life who came only after it was completely torn apart, and they deserve a break. Not to be mean, but this is about you being selfish and jealous of children instead of being the grown up and understanding that they have a life with their dad (and mom) that existed before you came along. It isn't right to make this harder on them.

I would like to respond to Amelia B. K. is not selfish, she is just trying to fit in. It is not her fault their family was "torn apart" Don't be judging people unless you have had experience with any of this. Blended families are not easy and being the step-mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world! So unless you have some good advice, don't say such crappy things about someone you don't even know!

K. B Hang in there girl!

Can you tell us a little more about the interaction with the step-kids' mom? Sounds like Dad is still "doing holidays" with the ex. That makes it sticky. We have some tension like that here - and Dad feels he will miss something if he doesn't participate. It's taken a few years for him to begin to feel like our holiday has its own value, equal to what they get from mom. In fact, this is the first year he's participated in preparations without being in a bad mood.

I really think you need to sit down with your partner when there is nothing else pressing, and express your needs. Tell him you respect their holiday traditions, but that you want to continue your own traditions too, and maybe create some new traditions together as a new family. Suggest that this may make the holiday a little more hectic, but will also make it a little richer.

Chances are your partner isn't terribly helpful because men almost always let women orchestrate holiday celebrations. Maybe you could try to be more specific with him. Get out the calendar and suggest that you schedule everybody's activities (hers too) onto the calendar. Calendar some fun NEW winter stuff too - ice skating or building gingerbread houses too. Maybe at dinner one night, offer up several ideas and let the group decide upon one or two to try out as a new family tradition.

I feel for you. Holiday emotions are so tied to traditions, and traditions are so tied to groups. They make us feel like emotional outsiders, even when we're physically on the inside. Keep your chin up and insist on doing at least a few things that will make the holiday fun for you. Good luck and let us know how things go.