Holding It Together

My daughter had this same problem. Did you try a pacifier? It creates a habit, but it was easy enough to break when she got older. Around 1 year of age, I made her leave it in her bed only, and at 2, I had her throw it away completely. I used the CIO method, but not until she was around 6 or 7 months. It only took 1 night! I used the same method on my youngest son who was VERY attached to his pacifier, and even at 2 it only took 1 night.

I'll say it even though it probably won't mean much right now: It will get better. My kids are all school-aged now and looking back on all I've been through, with a now ex-husband who was completely useless (hence the divorce), I find it amazing that I pulled through and have great kids! But then again, that's what us mothers are, AMAZING!!! You can do it ; )

Hi J.. Sleep deprivation sucks. And I'm similar to you...having a baby in the bed would have made my sleeping even worse.

I don't know the current philosophical "dos" and "don'ts" around breastfeeding, but could you pump your breastmilk and store it in bottles? Let your hubby take over the night feedings and give your mind, heart and soul the much-needed sleep you need. Plus, once your baby realizes your breast is no longer available as his pacifier, maybe he'll stop waking as much -- only wake when he truly needs a feeding. Best wishes.

I hear you girl! I couldn't sleep with a baby in my bed either. You are right that you need to take care of yourself to be a good mom.
I wish I could be of more help to you. All I can say is that I understand. I was so sleep deprived that I would throw up from exhaustion.

Hugs! I hope someone has a solution for you!

just want to also forewarn you that at 4 months, he's going to go through a growth spurt and be hungry often, hence needing to be fed more. that can affect your sleep schedule.

Honestly, I don't believe you're capable of creating a habit at his age. I remember being completely devoted to the book "Your Baby's First Year" - free from your Pediatrician's office, and them saying that around that age, there's a growth spurt that will have an effect on sleeping, etc.

I've always been a working mom, and I've had a hard time sleeping for about 10 years (well before having kids). I was up at 2:30 this morning letting the dog out with a 5:45 alarm waiting for me.

When my kids were newborn, I was in sales and was driving between 150-200 miles/day. Sleep was critical for my safety, and the easiest way to do it was to let the kids sleep with me and to feed as needed.

Our daughter stayed in bed with us for almost a year - the main reason was my diagnosis of cancer and 6 months of chemo/recovery. Part of it was not having the energy to get her when she awoke in the middle of the night, part of it was needing the reassurances of why I was fighting so hard.

Her second birthday is tomorrow. She is my rock star sleeper. Her 3.5 year old brother is a nightmare. Different kids, different biological needs.

What I do want to commend you on is one of your first statements - about the sacrifices. I'm glad other people realize how much of being a parent is making sacrifices (and being willing to accept that as part of the process).

Best wishes.

I need my sleep too and cannot sleep with my children either. I slowly weaned my son from each feeding. So the one that I wanted to get rid of first I would time then cut back on that feeding by a few minutes each night and let him have his fill on the other feedings. I also made sure the other feedings filled him up; I would nudge him to encourage nursing when he would fall asleep. When I started cutting back on the second feeding I wanted to get rid of he all of the sudden started waking up only once per night. That I could handle. Good luck!

Hello Jullie,

I feel for you! I hope your baby gets his nights and days back on track. Are you eating anything different? are you taking your supplements? have you tried cutting out dairy? any chance someone can take him for one night so you can get a good night sleep. like on a friday or saturday night? Take care of yourself and I think the fact that you got to vent, goes a long way too.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

~C.~

J., I understand what you are feeling! My kids are older now, but I had such a hard time when they were infants and didn't sleep. I get terrible migraines when my sleep is disrupted so needless to say when my kids were infants I walked around in a fog with a migraine just about all the time, it was awful. I don't remember at what age the pedi said that it was o.k to start giving the baby water, but at the point when it was o.k, the pediatrician told me to give the baby water in a bottle at night instead of milk, this soothed him but it also broke the habit of my son waking up so often due to hunger, because it trained him to wait longer between feedings (the water was not filling like the milk so he was breaking the habit of night time eating) I think it only took about a week or two before he was sleeping longer stretches. I would feed him before he went to sleep then again in the early a.m, but in the middle of the night I gave him the water and this technique worked. I just don't remember at what age this would be appropriate, so maby you can run it past your pedi. The other thing that I did with my daughter who was a terrible sleeper, I would put her in a swing and make sure she was very safe and put the swing right next to my bed while I took a nap, but she was a little bit older than 3 months, I think that they now make cradles that sway back and forth, that might be an option. My kids never liked a pacifier, but is that something that might help?
Wishing you a good nights sleep!

J.,
You poor thing! I remember feeling so exhausted like you do now. I reminded myself in all the old movies I watched when I was a kid that the most awful torture was to sleep deprive the vicitim!

#1 Remind yourself that this is temporary
#2 If your baby is safe in his crib he can cry a little. I know, I didn't like doing that either, but if you are at your wits end you can do it. He will cry himself to sleep. So it's not so terrible.
#3 Consider switching to a bottle so that your husband or a sitter can give you some relief
#4 I don't care whether your house looks like a pit, sleep every chance you get during the day
#5 Get help. Whatever you can afford. Friends, family, high school student.
You deserve a break and your husband will learn how to change a diaper.....good enough.

And YES, you need to take care of yourself to be a good mom. I am validating you.

I have a 3 month old (almost 4) too. And I"ve never gotten so much sleep with a new baby as I am this time around! He's my third.

I have him in the bassinet right next to my bed. At first, when he'd wake up and fuss, or when I'd put him down and he'd wake up a bit, I'd lay in my bed with my arm over the side of the bassinet, my hand on his chest. If something really was "wrong," that didn't help. But it usually did help him settle down and fall asleep. I also keep a pacifier in the bassinet so I can pop it in quickly and then fall asleep again.

I also usually end up co-sleeping by morning. Half the time, I wake up stiff and realize that he's in bed with me. I'm stiff because I haven't moved, because subconsciously I know he's there.

And I don't worry about that 3 am nursing-to-sleep turning into a habit, because of my experience with my other two boys. As they outgrow the need for that feeding, the nursing-to-sleep goes away on its own. It is a non-issue! I remember worrying about it with my first, and feeling so relieved when I realized that he had slept all night (I mean from when I put him to bed until 9 am!!! Heaven!) and we no longer had co-sleeping or nursing-to-sleep issues at all. What a painless resolution! So I'd only worry about nursing-to-sleep when you put him to bed.

But I know what you mean about not being able to sleep with a baby in your bed. Frankly, i've gotten over that. But with my first, I slept terribly if he was in bed with me. That's why I loved having the bassinet right next to my bed. It only took a few seconds to move him when he was done eating.

I don't know if I'm understanding this right, but you say he is up and babblingn for 2 hours in the middle of the night? When he gets up to do that, just put him in his crib with a little lamp on, shut his door and yours, and let him babble! You don't have to be awake every moment that he is. He'll be fine, and if something happens, he'll cry and let you know. And he won't feel dependent on you to be there in the middle of the night. He'll likely fall asleep again on his own without any fussing. I used to put my first son to bed that way. If I was exhausted and he still didn't look tired, I'd put him to bed, leave his little lamp on, and put a black and white poster next to him in his crib. Then I went to bed. I have no idea how long he stayed awake, and I didn't care.

Hi J. -

Good for you for getting it out. When my second child was born...my older one was 3...so somewhat similar situation. It is hard...and I am like you when I don't get the sleep. And you are likely staying away from coffee since you are still breastfeeding.
Do your best to make sure your little one gets most if his feedings in during the day. When I knew my son was just using me for comfort feeding (mainly would nurse for 3 mins and fall asleep) - I gave him a binky to suck. Yes - binkies have the reputation of being habit-forming too. Thankfully - my boys never did. I only really offered it to them at night when I knew they weren't hungry.
Wish you the best. It's ok to have the feelings you are having...even if you don't get the sleep you need...it does help to talk about it.

I had my babies sleep in my bed. I nursed both of my children until they were 2 and I never got less then 5 hours of sleep a night. (I don't need more then that but every body is different) I know that with many it isn't the popular answer but I always say you do what makes life best for your family. A well rested mom who sleeps with her baby is better then one who can't get through the day. I know you said that isn't for you so maybe setting a bed up in his room so you can respond to him right away might work? I had a friend do this for her preemie because he had to be fed whenever he asked and she only had to do it for a few weeks. I don't think that nursing to sleep is a bad thing though and both of my children weaned on their own without complaint. My kids never used pacifiers, sucked their thumbs, or drank from bottles. My daughter did use a sip cup but she has some other issues that required that. My son however went straight to a normal cup. I'm not bragging I'm just trying to illustrate that nursing to sleep at that age didn't hurt them at all. Are you maybe suffering from a little postpartum depression? It isn't always the tragic shut you down and make you do irrational things that you see on tv. Most women suffer some kind of effects from the hormonal changes that coincide with delivery. It gets better with rest, exercise and good nutrition. Make hubby take on his share in raising the child as he helped make the child too. When Dad is around hand off the responsibility and take a nap. Potty training sucks there's no other way to put it but hang in there. The fact that your two year old is almost making it through the night is something you should be proud of. I know mom's who have 4 and 5 year olds still not able to do that. Mine used cloth diapers and I really believe that makes the difference in training. Good for you that you have done so well with her. As for nap time I stopped fighting my daughter at around that age. We made a deal she had to lay down and rest until tinkerbell rang (she has a clock in her room with tink on it) then if she wasn't sleeping she could get up but she HAD to rest quietly or she wouldn't be allowed to get up. I would set the clock for 30 minutes and most days she would fall asleep before the clock rang. On the rare occasions that she didn't fall asleep I would let her get up and just deal with a cranky child around dinner time because that was the deal and I don't go back on my word. A very good friend of mine has a little girl (3 yrs) who refused nap time and she got her a napping bed. It is this little cot that folds up when not in use and she only allows her girl to sleep in it for nap time. It has a sleeping bag that goes with it that has some disney princesses on it and her girl LOVES it. Now she can't wait for nap time. My son liked his "nest" I would put a comforter on the floor and he would pull all my sofa pillows down and make a nest and that is where he napped. I am not a conventional mom I don't follow a lot of the "rules" but I have happy well adjusted kids anyway so I think it's just about finding what works for you. I never let my kids CIO, I still don't if they need me in the night I get up. I've always felt that was part of the job. I have friends who do let their kids CIO and they are also happy well adjusted kids. My point is there is no right or wrong way. There is your way. Give yourself some time to find out what that is. Yes you are not new to being a mom but you ARE new to being a mom of two and it's a whole new ball game when you add another baby to your family. Take a breath, relax and let yourself learn as you go. Good luck!

well maybe you could try pumping it so that at night the responsibility is split between you and your hubby. also you can try let him cry for 10 min before you go to him, then try 15 min before u go and so on. that is what I did with my girls. it seems you are overwhelmed and stressed and yes alot is no sleep but if you have feelings of inadequacy or depression, talk to your doc, your son is only 3 mths you could have the baby blues I got it real bad with my second one, good luck to ya!

You poor thing.

I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now - but I can relate. I have three little ones ages 4, 19 months and 4 months. I am also very sleep deprived which intensifies EVERYTHING going on around me.

My 19 month old wants to stay up until 9 or 10, then the 4 yr old is up by 5 or 6am! And who knows with the 4 month old! lol Its so hard sometimes. I was in tears yesterday because I was beyond exhausted and my dh has to work the night shift 2-3times a week. On top of all of this I am trying to deal with some major grief. (almost 3 years ago our 5 month old daughter passed away) - so grief, lack of sleep and rambunctious kids have me worn out to say the least.

Do you think there is ANY way at all that you can get out for 30 min's or so when your hubby gets home from work? Maybe take a walk, even go to the store to pick up some groceries - anything at all would help! For the past 4 years I have felt too guilty to leave dh with kids while I went out. FINALLY over the past few months I decided that I needed to get out, just for a short time - while he stayed with the kids. I realized that he got his 'break' 8-9 hours, 5 times a week (while he was at work!!!!) and I deserved to have a break too. For me personally, it has helped a lot. Though I don't really like to go out alone (I don't have any friends here since we just moved...), but its better than going crazy at home. You will find that if you are able to just have PEACE and QUIET for a few moments you will rejuvienate and be a better, more patient mommy/wife!

To be honest I can't give any advice on breastfeeding as I was only able to do it for 2 weeks. I simply couldn't keep up with her wanting to nurse for 40 minutes every 2 hours - and take care of a 15 month old at the time and a 4 year old...plus pump after each feeding to try and increase my supply. So around the 3rd week I had to stop - and nope, I don't feel bad for it. I know that I gave it my all but sometimes it just doesn't work out. But with that being said - I don't have any tips as far as that goes. I always put my baby to bed drowsy - not completely asleep - just sleepy so that she can fall asleep on her own. I have went through the CIO two times now and its not fun - but I waited until they were much older, atleast 9 months or so. I figured if our dd gets used to going to bed on her own now, then it won't be so hard when she gets a bit older. I know, I know - i could recieve 'wrath' from some mommies for this - but whatever, again - im doing the best for ME and MY family, which isn't the best for EVERY Family! ;0)

I think its sad that mommies have to bash each other - especially when we are experiencing trials!! I hope to only encourage you here, not hurt any feelings. Definitely stick to the diapers at night - you are already sleep deprived, the last thing you need is a wet bed and child in the middle of the night!!! In a few months you will be getting more sleep and then it won't 'hurt' so bad if you have to get up and change sheets - but right now, its just too much for you to deal with...so stick her in that diaper and don't feel bad about it!

I am sure you are probably doing better than you think you are. I know most mommies are too hard on themselves (I am one of them!!!! believe me!) Try and think of some of the things you are doing RIGHT and let the hardships go for now. Think about how much you love your little ones. Think about how you are there to care for them day after day, and how you tuck them into bed each night with loving, tender hands! Think about how you are trying to give them your best each day - that in itself is huge, you haven't given up - you just keep pushing through the hard days! You are doing a good job! Try and just focus on ONE DAY AT A TIME. I tend to get really depressed when I think of anything outside of today - it all seems so daunting and out of my control otherwise. So just focus on today. It's friday! When your little ones wake up give them kisses, tell them you love them and just do the best you can for today. Thankfully children are reseliant and love u know matter what!! ;0)

Hugs to you from another 'struggling' mama!!!
God bless you!

Try this mommy, go to Target and I know here it is at the end cap of the CD's/DVD section there is different CD's where it is just instramental music and I believe they have 1 for babies. I have heard the baby one is really good....Try that when u but him down when he wont go to sleep and play that CD and close the door so he can't hear u and put a baby monitor on him so u can hear him. And see if he can fall asleep to that. Good Luck

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Pump your milk and have husband do a bottle feeding in the middle of the night.

This is what we did when we had toddlers and babies. Husband would put the toddler to bed (bath, pjs, read, sing then lights out) and I would put the baby to bed - usually around 8pm or earlier). Then I would go to bed. Husband would be responsible for anything that would happen until 1am (the time he normally goes to bed - don't ask - the man just doesn't need much sleep). That way, I would get at least 5 hours of sleep before any waking up. I made sure we had a really comfortable chair in the nursery (lazy boy rocker/recliner) and I would frequently fall asleep while nursing the baby. Our kids are early risers, so I would get up with them and do my morning routine. Most of the time, I was able to at least nap or lay down while the two children napped in the afternoon. My time to sleep in would be Saturday and husband's sleep in day was Sunday.

We did this routine with all three children. You just have to pump enough for it to work - or supplement with formula, which isn't a big deal.

This too shall pass, but I know how hellish it can be while you're living it! Take it easy on yourself and rest when you can.