Hitting the Terrible Two's?

Hey J.,

I am in the same boat you are. My son was born in May of 2006 and I started noticing the hitting around November. He is an only child right now and the hard thing for me is that most of the time he doesn't hit when I am around, so it is hard for me to discipline or respond to his hitting when he does it. I don't want to slap him hand because I'm trying to get him not to hit, but he is so active, I'm exhausted keeping him at time out. I know this doesn't help, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone--hopefully this phase won't last long:)

If you ever watch "Super Nanny" you'll see this behavior a lot. Obviously your daughter hitting you or anyone else is completely unacceptable behavior and she has to learn that. A timeout should work if you BE CONSISTENT. Put her in a designated time out spot and tell her she has to stay there for a minute and a half (a common time is a minute for every year of age). If she gets up, don't talk to her, just put her back, over and over again, until she sits there for the designated time. Then go over to her, get right down on her level so you're eye to eye, explain again why she was there, why it's not acceptable for her to hit, ask her to apologize to you, then give her a big hug and move on. Consistency is the absolute key in teaching what behavior will not be tolerated, so you have to do it every time she does it. Good luck ... I know you'll get results if you hang in there.

Just a FYI I thought 3's were worse than 2's... so be prepared!

My daughter was a terrible terrible 3 year old and it was way worse than 2.

Nip it now at 2 and you won't have a 3 year old like I did.

I agree with the advice to keep at the time outs. It will work eventually.
You mentioned she may be doing it for attention and you probably hit the nail on the head. My oldest is usually very well behaved for a 5-year-old boy but I noticed a couple of years ago that when he got aggressive he was usually overwhelmed and needed attention. A lot of times he needed physical contact and hitting was an easy way of getting it. After I realized that, whenever he would start to lose control I would ask if he needed cuddles. Most of the time he would calm down immediately and climb on my lap. Even now, occasionally when he's throwing a temper tantrum or getting in trouble for not controlling himself he'll suddenly say "I need cuddles!" and the crisis will be over. NOTE: He doesn't get off with a hug. He still has to pay the price for his naughty behavior, usually in the form of a nap or time-out, but I've found that a calm child takes punishment much better than an upset, irrational one.
We've also started rewarding his good behavior and obedience with "Special Time", time we set aside just for him to play a game or go shopping or even just watch a movie. He loves it!
It's really hard for me to remember that even independent children need their mommy to hold them sometimes and give them undivided attention so I'm grateful for his reminders.

I remember the transition from sweet one-year-old to terrible two being rather abrupt! It seemed to occur overnight! It may be happening, but I'd watch...maybe she's coming down with some sort of bug. She sounds tired. Even if she's staying in her bed all night, she may not be getting quality sleep for one reason or another. I love the book "Healthy sleep habits, happy child" and would recommend it to anyone with sleep problems (at any age) and to anyone with a particularly hyper or naughty or crabby or short-tempered or whiny, (etc) child.
I know I seem off-subject, but if she normally doesn't hit its worth looking at!

KEEP UP WITH THE TIME-OUTS...She is a bit young to completely understand...however, if you are consistant with them she'll get it very quick. My son is two and we started with the timeouts about the same age and he knows when he's been bad that he has spot and he goes to it and stays there for 2 minutes. Start out with small time increments and work up to 1 minute and 20 seconds, as she gets older than she gets more time to equal her age.
You may even have to hold her there to get the point across. We would set our son down, and hold his legs, look the other way and not talk to him. Eventually she'll stay there.
My son was in the hitting phase too, still is and he gets one warning and than time-out. We try to distract him or grab his arm before he even hits and turn it into a handshake or high five...anything to distract them from what they "want" to do.

When I've had to do time outs with my 20 month, I hold her in my lap for 1.5 minutes (because I don't know how to get her to sit still somewhere) and speak calmly to her telling her while she's in a time out, how long it will last, and what she can avoid doing to stay out of time outs. I count out the last 20 seconds. (She cries towards the end).

After we're done. I get down on her level and explain I love her. That teaching her is part of showing my love. Then, I play a silly, short game with her like "getcha" or something to re-establish harmony.

Good luck!

Two things have worked for us. (1) Reading the book Hands are not for hitting to our daughter. (2) During story time in "Mama's bed" our daughter would invariably start hitting us at some point. She would get one warning and then on the second hit, story time was over and it was time for her to go to bed. It only took a few nights of that approach before the hitting stopped. Nothing else was as effective (time outs, ignoring, taking away favorite toys, etc). It has been 4 months and she hasn't hit me since then. I am not sure what to say with regard to the pet, we are still working on the not hitting the dog.

Keep up with the time outs. What you need to do (and this gets really, really old but it works like a charm) is when she gets out of the time out area (we used to use a rug because it was a set physical space for my son to "stay in") you need to use a calm voice and put her back saying, "when we are put in the time out space, we stay in the time out space so I will continue to put you back there until you stay." Be prepared for her to get right back out again, but continue and be consistent. She'll get even more mad, but after some time, she'll stay. Then set a timer (I think the general rule is like 1 minute for each year of their life: 2 minutes for a 2 year old).

When my son moved to a toddler bed he went through a phase of getting out of it whenever I put him down for a nap. This is how I solved it. I remember one time, doing the above scenario over and over again for 25 minutes. Eventually he stayed. All the while, I seriously stayed calm, taking myself out of the situation, knowing he was "learning" discipline. It worked in the end and within a few days, he was no longer getting out of his bed. He's almost 5 now and still doesn't get out of his bed.

Twos certainly exert their independence quite often, but they are trainable. Choices work great too. I remember my son standing by the car door opposite me one time refusing to come over to me to get out of the car (he wanted me to be the one who had to move to the door where he was). I, again in a calm voice, just said, "You can come over by me by yourself or I can come and get you, what is your choice?" He came because he didn't want me to be the one in control. If he only knew...=)

Good luck and stay calm!
V. Olson

I'm with Beth. My son wasn't a bad 2 year old, but when he hit 3, man that was tuff. As other's have said be consistant. Now my 22 month is doing the same thing. The other day i scolded her and she threw a ball at me. I've also been told my daughter is a "spirited" child. I bought the book Raising your spirited child. Wow, that book was right on. Mary Sheedy Kurcina is the author. Good luck

Hi J.,
I am joining your plea for help as my son, also born in May of 2006, has been a grizzly bear lately too. He doesn't hit others but bangs his head on the nearest object when he isn't getting his way. He has also started full-on tantrums (actually started early, about 16 months). A complete turnaround from his once sweet self. He has good days and bad. It's a tough time for my husband and i as parents right now.