Help...my 8 Year Old Lies!

Lying seems to come so easy, and if it is not stopped at an early age it will become a life long habit that the child will deal with. I definitely agree with rewarding when they tell the truth even if it is that they cut their hair. And the reward needs to be better than the punishment. This way the child will learn that telling the truth is better than lying. The punishment needs to fit the crime, our daughter always gets a spanking for lying. We do not tollerate it. We always give her more than one opportunity to tell the truth, but if she still lies, then she gets a spanking. This seems to be what works for her. Your daughter may respond to something else. I had a very wise older women who had raised several children tell me once that the punishment needs to fit the crime, and that it needs to hurt them most internally not externally. So if taking away her money, or parties or tv is not working, you need to figure out what is her prize, what she absolutely loves, and that needs to be taken away. It has to make an impact to get their attention. Whether it is a stuffed animal, or a favorite outfit, whatever it may be. I certainly wish you the best.

I read through many of the responses you received, and I agree with almost everything said. I think it's possible she may be seeking more attention, but I don't think supervising every task is the solution. This will only give her the message that you don't trust her (though I'm sure you don't right now, but she doesn't need that message every day), and it encourages her to continue since she getting what she wants from it. I think the solution may be to talk with her. She is old enough that you can really communicate with her effectively, and let her know that you are there, you are listening, and you care what she has to say and take her seriously. This is of UTMOST importance for teenagers (and tweenagers!) to know. One idea to confront this particular issue is to take her on a "girls" outing, just the two of you. This can be shopping, going out to eat, going for a walk in the park... find something she's into and do it with her. Use this opportunity to connect with her, and be open and honest yourself (afterall, that's what you want from her). Kids that age love to be considered "grown", so treat her that way. Tell her that you love her, you want to see her grow into a wonderful young lady, and that it concerns you to see her developing this habit. Ask her to explain her feelings about it, and her reasoning for it. If she sticks with the "scared of the consequences" story, logically explain that when she lies, she is guaranteeing herself a severe punishment for lying, in addition to whatever punishment she may or may not receive for the transgression. Ask her to give you feedback about her thoughts and feelings, basically treating her like a grown up. Establishing this "mature" type of connection with her may go a long way towards encouraging her to want to please you. This will help (though I'm sure not eliminate) the lying problem as well as other problems to come like attitude, disobedience, etc. Hope this helps!

LOL@ the catholic guilt...

I grew up catholic, and while I am not longer in that church, I still do it..

I say " Well, I may not know if you are telling me the truth...but God does..."

ok, sure, so maybe its the BEST method, but it works...I only drag it out occasionally though...

There is an excellent book out there called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I would highly recommend getting it and both you and your spouse reading it. It will take a little time, but it has a lot of excellent advice about this and other problems. It has already helped me a lot and my oldest kiddo is 3 years old. (I actually need to buy a new copy and read it again - I gave my other copy away!)

Good Luck!
L.

Forgive me for sounding blunt, it's a rather bad habit of mine at times.. but it sounds like most of the things you mentioned her lying about are supervisory issues. I'm the mom of a 6 year old son and we had some problems with prevaricating, but over things such as brushing teeth I would brush my teeth at the same time. We put a clock in the bathroom with a second hand. He is to spend 10 seconds on each tooth. There's no wiggle room for him to lie about doing it, because someone is right there watching him nor does it seem like a chore or unfair because mom's doing it too. I don't see how she could lie about her 20 minutes of required reading if you had her do it aloud, to you. Perhaps she's just doing it for attention because she wants more of yours.
It's just a thought. Please don't think I mean any disrespect.

I just try to re-enforce the fact that my daughter's punishment will be worse if she is caught in a lie. I just tell her, tell the truth up front and the punishment isn't too bad.

What is great for us is that we are Catholic, so I use the Catholic guilt on my 2 all the time. We, Catholics, have perfected the guilty system. LOL. It really does work too

Just like adults that have to pay the price and deal with the circumstances of doing wrong, whether an adult gets caught or turns themselves in on their own, there are consequences. By telling your child that if she tells the truth she won't get in trouble is not teaching her what reality of life is once she is an adult. She will be shocked when she gets out on her own.

Because all children are different you have to find what works. If her punishments are harsh if she gets caught and her punishments are lighter if she comes and tells the truth this may work for her. There has to be clear unquestionable boundaries but either way she knows by doing wrong, which everyone makes mistakes or makes wrong decisions she will have to be punished. This may seem to her that she can't win but making the "harsh to light" punishments very different she will see that telling the truth may still get her into trouble but better to lose a day or two of TV than getting a spanking and being grounded for a week with no privileges. Obviously as she grows older the punishments will have to change and the severity.

Make sure she is saying she is sorry to anyone, including you as parents when she has wronged someone but also making sure she understands why it is wrong. Most importantly though, make sure when you do punish her that you explain why she is being punished, ask her questions to make her answer you as to why what she did was wrong (this helps children learn how to "figure things out and think on their own"), make her tell you how she could have handled the situation different, and then tell her that you love her and hug her after you have punished her. Tell her you love her too much to allow her to be self destructive.

If we give them all the answers when they do wrong, just like if we were to do their homework for them, they don't learn anything for the next time the situation comes around. They need to not only figure out what they did and what they are being punished for but why and how they could have changed their outcome. They will remember it next time.

Unfortunately with the brushing the teeth thing you may have to go with her to the bathroom until it becomes second nature just like breathing and she does it automatically.

I hope this helps. I only have a 16 month old boy but lead and taught an all girls group for several years. From elementary to college.

Don't give her a chance to lie. Ask her different questions. Instead of asking if she did something, ask her why she did it. Like, Why did you cut your hair? Have a breath smell check, instead of asking her if she brushed her teeth. Ask her questions about her story that she read instead of asking if she read of 20 minutes.

If this doesn't work, then start monitoring everything. Watch her brush her teeth, or brush you rteeth at the same time, sit in the same room she is reading in, or read yourself, it will encourage her to read or do what ever the issue is.

Good Luck!