Helping Out a Friend

L.,
I lost a son 19 months ago. To lose a child is the hardest thing any parent can endure. I feel for her. It's a different set of circumstances, but it's a terrible loss none the less. I wish that when my son died there was a rule book to hand out to people of what to say and how to act, but there was none. People said some pretty insensitive things to my husband and I, to try to make us feel better, but only made us feel worse about our loss. I can tell you from experience... PLEASE... don't take anything she says or does personally. Every parent grieves the loss of a child differently. Just be her friend. Don't offer advice, just listen! It's been 19 months for me and it still feels like yesterday. The pain is so real. Many people just stayed away. I'm guessing in fear of not knowing what to say. After he died, we just needed time to ourselves to get our bearings. After a while, I just wanted someone to listen to me talk about my son. I wanted to tell people about him. How much, in the short time we had with him, he brought to our lives. If you can do anything for your friend, just be her friend. Maybe you can ask your husband to stay with your kids some evening and you can go to her house...just you... and be an ear and a shoulder to cry on. I have friends that still are my ears and shoulders. They listen without passing judgements on any time frames for my grief, they just listen. I count them as my best friends. I know that I can turn to them when I'm having an off day and they're there for me. She may not want to talk to you now, but I'm sure she'll need you soon. Keep calling and just let her know you love her and your there if she needs you.
Hang in there,
T.

Hi L.,
I truly believe as females, we want nothing more but to "fix" the problem, and even more, we want to take the pain away. But we can't. Your friend needs time to collect herself, feelings and all. But you need to let her know you care and love her, don't give up. Don't give advice, just listen, I was given lot's of advice how to handle this kind of situation, and the number one thing was "Time will heal all wounds" but I personally know, time helps, but leaves a scar. She may have her good days and bad. Be there when SHE needs you. Keep your ears, heart and arms open to whatever comes your way!! Good Luck!
D.

Prayer is always the best thing when you can't be there. And you shouldn't get discouraged about not being able to. I have seen this happen in my own family and it is devastating. I have also seen kids that should have CYS involved and they fall through the cracks or the lead goes nowhere. It is heartwrenching, but like most/all in life we cannot control this. Perhaps it just wasn't the right child for your friend. Which sounds bold of me, but I have a cousin, he and his wife were a week away from adoption and it fell through. At the time it was really hard to understand and to reach out to them, but now that time has passed they understand that it wasn't the time, and they are about three weeks away from another adoption. And this time (in God's time) they will have the child hand picked for them, as every child is a gift from God. Like I said keep praying, and when she is willing to talk you can tell her that God knows her heart and in time the will answer will come.

P.S. I will be praying for L.'s friend.

Just letting her know you are there for her is going to help. She might not want to talk right now, but she will. Give her time to (grieve) get past this. If CYS talked to a lawyer she should too and see what the real reason was. (I am a foster mom too. My foster daughter is now 33 and has a son of her own. Its hard, believe me. Not getting attatched is the hardest thing. My Heart goes out to her. But as i said just be there for her when she needs you, and she will in her own time.