Helping Mom and Her Kids Deal with Dad's Death

Hi J.
I just recently lost my husband. The best thing you can do for her is listen and see how she is doing. I had ALOT of help. My BFF and my mom and lots of other family were there for me those first days.
The one thing I really have a hard time doing is going to the grocery store. I just can't concentrate enough to get what I need. I end up going a couple times a week. I didn't cook for the first month. We ate out alot. Which was very expensive.
My kids are older so I can't really help there. We each have our moments when it hits us and we break down. We hold each other and talk it out. We usually end up with a good story about him and laugh.
The one piece of advice I would give to your friend. LET YOURSELF FEEL THE EMOTIONS. If you are MAD be MAD. If you are SAD be SAD. As women we try to take care of everything else and stuff our feelings especially when we have kids we need to be strong for. I am still working through it. I am very sad. I miss him so bad. Luckily I have a job. When I am there I stay busy and don't let myself stay in the sadness. I can come out of it for a while. Does that make sense?
Thank you for being a friend. I am sure she will appreciate what you are doing.
Good Luck and GOD BLESS!
D.

You are a good friend. I bet she will really appreciate you being there.

When you get there look around and determine exactly what she needs help with. Make a list so the both of you can make a game plan. This will help her find her focus.

Does she need help with laundry, cleaning, yard work?

Does she need someone to go with her to her exes home and clean out his place? Does she need help sorting through paperwork or mail?

What are her children's needs right now? Is she looking into a support group for them? I know here is Austin the Hospice group here offers free grief counseling for the kids and also for families. It is amazing. In the summer they even have a free/very low cost summer camp.

Are the kids set for Halloween? Do they have their costumes? Are they going to hand out Candy.
The more normal they can still have will help.

Make some meals and make them large enough so some of them can be frozen. See if the kids want to go to the store and help you shop. Maybe they will want to help you cook..
Lasagna
Chili
Meatloaf
Meatballs

Maybe stock her pantry with
pasta
sauces
Rice mixes
Soup mixes
This way she can dash home and cook..

Get cookie dough and let the kids bake.. Or have them help you make some pumpkin bread, banana bread, bake 2 of each Freeze them so later they can thaw them for breakfast.

Help her write the thank you notes and have them sign their signatures.

Just be willing to do whatever she needs.

Going to see her and be there for her is the best thing you can do for her.
Do not ask what needs to be done, just look around and do it. If she has
visitors, put the coffee on, cupboards bare, shop. Just be there. Do not
worry about what they eat or do not eat, anything will be appreciated.

A scrapbook is a good idea. Remember you do not know the kids well, so
do not expect them to open up to you. Again, just be there for all of them.

Are they religious? You might want to get each child a bible and write something in it that you hope it will bring comfort to them.

I think food is always welcomed. Even if that means an assortment of bagels and cream cheeses or a Honey Baked Ham or turkey breast.

I am so sorry to hear of your friend and her children's loss. What you can do is, see if there are pictures of them as a whole family up on Facebook, and perhaps get that family photo turned into a necklace pendant for each of them. That way they can wear their daddy next to their hearts, and the mama can to. :-) Then you can tell them that anytime they want to talk to their daddy, he's right there, and point to their heart. :-)
Since you have to travel, may be stop and get a food tray of some kind like a cheese and fruit tray, or a meat tray, or even offer to cook them a dinner if they'd like.
I pray they find peace within their hearts soon with this whole thing. I feel for them. I think it is precious that you are thinking about them and wanting to comfort them. They will certainly appreciate that. Have a safe trip when you go.

When my husband's aunt's husband passed away, I always came with food. I also stayed and talked with her for hours. She has told me that it made her feel so good to just have someone there to talk to. Breakfast foods are always a safe option. Bagels, muffins, cereal, milk and orange juice. Easy foods to prepare would be cold cut sandwiches, salads,etc. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't eat a dish of lasagna. You can always freeze one and bring it over. Once you were at her house, you can always look in her fridge/cabinets to get an idea of what they eat, and then go shopping for them. Any type of chore that you can do is always helpful. As well as a listening ear.

The photo album is a nice gift, and a thoughtful one. I would also suggest maybe something like a memory box for each of them to put special things in there.

When my Dad died... the best thing that my Mom did... was to find a community grief group... and attend.
There, she met MANY friends, who were all grieving a loss of some kind, and they could relate to her. It was therefore, very beneficial. Because then you have a group of people, that knows EXACTLY what you are going through.
Although my Dad died 11 years ago, she still attends every so often... and now, she actually can assist others, too. So it is also therapeutic for her.

For the children of your friend, it would deeply... benefit them, if they can attend a grief group too. Kids don't know how to express grief or even how to manage it all. The emotions. Main thing, they do not keep bottled up. And that, their Teachers, understand and know.
If no community grief group is available for the children, a Counselor will be helpful.

No one knows, how to "behave" when they are grieving.
It is a multifaceted, process. Of many conflicting feelings. Kids NEED to know that.

And, sometimes when grieving, a person is just 'numb.' They can't say anything nor express it, nor do they even know... what to think or do. And they need to know... that that is okay. Many people who are grieving, also 'worry' about how THEY are appearing to others... so that they do not get criticized.

But, if you ever notice your friend or her kids... getting "Depressed"... you must address this with her.

Just ask... your friend, what she needs. Even just your company, may be what she needs. Even if, the two of you are just sitting on a sofa, not saying anything. There is comfort, in silence too... and letting her know you are there for her.
Just ask her... what help she needs.
She may not know.
Too many emotions to process at this time and trying to keep "brave" for her children. So a Mom, may not express her own emotions... in a timely manner... if at all. But, she needs to cry too. But some people, do not cry when grieving.
I did not, when my Dad died. But I was deeply and immeasurably, saddened.

all the best,
Susan

The scrapbook idea is a great one... and if you have the time, maybe you could sit down with the kids and work on creating a few pages with them.. encourage them to talk about special times with their dad, and create a couple of pages of those memories.

Also, when my dad died, (20 years ago), I remember everyone bringing food... very handy, I do agree... but the things that went the fastest were the sweets, especially homemade.

Although you don't know the family that well, to know what their favorite eating out places are, I would suggest asking the kids... and pick up a gift card or two so that they do have a place for a quick meal if they need it. Or, pick up a couple of the family-size frozen dinners so they do have a quick meal when it is needed (if they have the freezer space).