My dd went to a football game with her friends on Sunday, my dh took them and stayed with them and drove them back to our house. My dd was fine through the game, but then started acting aloof and ignoring them and everyone noticed. My dh said he was embarrassed about her behavior. When they got home, she told me that her friends were leaving her out and she was fighting back the tears. I told her to keep it together until their moms came to pick them up. She was being somewhat rude to them and I don't think they were intentionally leaving her out, but that was her perception. I had to entertain the kids until the parents came for pick up because she wouldn't talk to her friends.
Anyway, she now feels bad about her behavior and I told her to apologize to them at school today. Now she's down on herself for all of this.
What do you do in these situations....just let her live and learn?
She and her friends are 12-13.
Don't worry about it. She's not the first or the last 13-year-old girl to act aloof. She chose how she wanted to handle her perception of her friends' behavior. Tomorrow is another day!
ETA: Sorry if your dh was "embarassed", but if he's never been a 13-year-old girl he maybe just can't understand all of that!
Let her know that is normal and likely to be just hormonal (FWIW boys do this too at this age). Teach her that there are graceful ways to "exit" (physically or just socially) a social situation when one is overwhelmed by sudden negative feelings. Saying something like "I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well right now so I just need to lay low for a bit, please have fun and don't worry about me, I might just be overtired" is a way to offer an explanation that is honest enough. Who knows, she may very well have been overtired or coming down with a cold or something else that was making her feel crabby and act short. She can do the same thing now and just say that she wasn't feeling great and is sorry if she came across as rude. Chances are that it's already been forgotten by her friends but a quick apology can clear the air if it has turned into a "thing."
You support her while she and her friends work it out. Let her know that she is learning how to manage feelings. She's OK. That she is learning how to handle such stuff and this is a lesson learned.
This is really not a big deal. I wonder how you handled this. You were in an uncomfortable situation. I could see you being angry with your daughter. Her Dad was embarrassed. I suggest that this is an opportunity to talk with her about how to handle feelings when one is hurt and angry. I would tell her that you both are learning. Listen to how she felt. Tell her how you felt. Talk about what you both can do when you're feeling this way.
Give her a hug. Tell her you and her Dad love her. Express confidence in knowing she has a good heart.
It sounds like after the game, your DD was just done with her friends' company for the evening. Unfortunately, she couldn't just excuse herself and leave politely because she was locked in to what had already been pre-planned that the whole group come back to your house. I feel so bad for her! This age is difficult. Group dynamics ebb and flow and girls are very, very sensitive to shifts in attention, and it is normal to feel hurt at various times. It is a live and learn. Sometimes its best to resolve conflicts with each person individually outside of the group or school environment. If she feels an inclination to make any apologies, I would say that's fine. But not tell her that she "should" apologize to them. I understand that you and dh were embarrassed by her behavior. I would have felt awkward too. However, you can't know all the nuances of the relationships, and all that goes on between them when you aren't present. There may be good reason the other girls should also be apologizing for some of their own rude or hurtful behavior.
Letting her live and learn is all you can do.
It does almost sound like PMS.
Having some Midol on hand might help a bit.
Part of growing up is navigating relationships. I would let her know she's learning and wisdom comes with experience and mistakes. She's owning her mistake and if she thinks she owes them an apology and will make her feel better then that's what she needs to do for her sake. This age is awkward. My daughter used to act weird before an event ended and we finally determined it was because she didn't want it to be over. By helping her see it, she was able to manage her feelings better and realize she was isolating herself which was the last thing she really wanted.
In my household we have a saying, "own your mistakes, fix them as best you can and then move on." Don't let her hammer it out excessively. It was her first blunder and it won't be her last. Learning how to forgive yourself and get past it is so important.
If your husband was embarrassed by her behavior, he could have pulled over and corrected her privately. I have zero issue correcting either of my kids when they're among friends. I try my best to do it as privately as I can but poor behavior demands immediate, calm correction.
Again, this age is hard on many levels. A great sense of humor and a glass of wine will go a long way.
This is normal behavior that she has to learn the consequences of. Her friends, if they are real friends, will forgive her and understand. If they're flakes then they'll probably dump her and she'll have to go through a horrible life changing event where she has to make all new friends.
I suggest you just be there for her and try to give her your love and let her deal with this the best she can. It's a learning experience for her. Life changing? Maybe, hopefully not.
