Helping a Child Understand Divorce

My son's dad and I were never married, but we did live together for a short time (from the time my son was 1 and half to almost 3). When his dad moved, his dad let him "help pick a new place to live". He asked my son for approval of everything. We explained to my son that he would live with me and his dad would live with his new friend (girlfriend) at their place. We told my son that we all loved him very much and he could sleep or visit dad whenever he wanted. I think the biggest thing that helped my son adjust is that my son's dad and I have NEVER once yelled or argued in front of my son. We come up with choices and then allow my son to choose so he feels a apart of it all. I mean the choices would be like "You are going to spend time with Daddy. Would you like to spend the night there or would you rather come home at bedtime?" Gratefully I have a child that adjust rather easily and quickly to change. When I put him to bed at night, we review tomorrows plans and if he's at his Dad's I call and give him time reference when he will be coming home. Knowing what is going to happen and when helps them too I have found. IF you CAN without arguing, maybe you can still do some small things together. Such as going out to dinner one night a week and try to celebrate holiday's together. We try to look at it as our family is just bigger and more spread out now rather than broken. I'm not sure your situation, but maybe this will help.

"Dinosaurs Divorce" is a good book for young children going through this. Keep the divorce junk away from your child and focus on the positives. Don't say negative things about daddy and if you can, say good things about him(and hopefully your ex can do this too.) Keep sending the message that mommy and daddy love him/her and that he/she wasn't the reason you don't live together anymore. Your child may not feel loved or that he/she is the cause of the divorce. It'll take time, but keep trying. You may need to try therapy but sometimes change is just hard, regardless of whether it's divorce or just a move to a new school.

I know that times are hard right now, but, believe me, they will get better. But, don't make the mistake I did--please get counseling for your child. I didn't and I've been suffering (her too) for 8 long years--she's now making a little progress. I can recommend someone who is very good with children and will charge on a sliding scale if you can't afford much...His name is Bill Moore...###-###-####. He helped us a lot to get focused and to try to understand what my daughter wa going through--sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own problems and loss that we diminish the hurt of the child--who feels like he/she is losing both parents and is affected deeply by the fighting, which I'm sure is going on.
Try to slow things down...sit on the floor/sofa and just talk about his feelings...but, seriously, having a third person to interpret feelings is very important, b/c children usually won't tell all of their fears to a parent.
Please consider calling Bill or someone else ...
Good luck...I'll keep you in my prayers..

I divorced when my kids were 8 and 14 but should of sooner. The best advice is counseling, however 4 maybe a little young yet, but don't put it off for too long. Some people don't believe in it, and think it's stupid, but I know first hand it works, even for you. Though the years when I had problems with my kids being hurt, and let down, I still made them an appointment then too. Some things you can figure out on your own, and others you need more then just friends to talk to, trust me. Now 22 and 16 my kids thank me for it, and learned that they don't deserve to be treated certain ways either, and why I needed to get divorced, and it was best for all involved. Don't talk about the divorce, or lower yourself to his level if he makes it hard, and look out for you child, and yourself. Being the better more mature parent will be the best medicine for your child you can give! It won't be easy, but you can take care of yourself and child if you set your mind to it, emotionally and financially, this I did and am proud of it, and it made me a better person along the way. I was raised nothing is handed to you, and thank my parents for it, and my children always had what they needed and wanted, but at times it came harder then other times. Hopefully the father will faithfully support your child,mine hasn't alot of the time, but you know my kids knew who took care of thm wthout ever saying, actions say it all! Good Luck, it will be challenging, but well worth it!

hi N.! sorry to hear about your situation. i am in a group called divorce care. my now husband and i are about to go through the class for the second time, to train as facilitarors to the group. At the same time this group meets-the kids all meet in divorce care for kids. my children LOVED it. the first week my oldest was so mad that she had to go-and yes, she loves it too! it runs 13 weeks and you can do it as many times as you like. i am not sure if it is free or like a 10 fee one time per family for the books. it you do not have it- the fee will be waived. if you have any questions please email at ____@____.com group meets in seven hills but there our others. all the workers do have real training once a year, but not cetified counselors. it is a great group and a new one is starting in a couple weeks. check out mylbc.info for pics of the last group. take care! M.