Help with Values with the Step Parent/ 'The Other House'!

There might be a co-parenting class offered in your area which would REALLY help with this. I took a class when my ex-husband and I first separated. He didn't take it with me, and never took it later (as he agreed to) but it was still very helpful for me learning some skills for dealing with just the kind of feelings you're having.

Anyway, try looking it up. Mine was offered through Kaiser, but they also offer them through family services etc.

As for the specific things your talking about here, I'd say just talk to your daughter and reinforce the values you are setting at home, but don't make it too big a deal and DON'T try to tell your ex and his new wife what to do. Unfortunately, unless he's showing her pornography, or teaching her to attack Santa impersonators, I don't think you should even bring these things up. These are personal parenting choices and you're just going to have to let him parent her his own way.

If you feel an issue absolutely MUST be dealt with, than make sure to frame it so that it's about your daughter and not about you trying to control their household ie "DD mentioned that the police came to your house and she was very upset about this. I think she'd feel safer if she didn't witness that. Maybe in future if you and step-mom are not going to be able to resolve your argument quickly, you can call me and I'll come and get DD so you don't have to worry about her."

HTH
T.

you and the "happy couple", have to sit down and adress all your concerns, because ultimately, u are her mom, and everything you are concerned about has to be adressed. There is no line, its your kid, thats all there is to it.

Would her Dad & stepmom agree to counseling to come up with a parenting plan? You could present it as "Children need consistency & if we could come up with consistent rules at both of our houses it would really benefit our daughter".

My husband and I are in the same boat when our kids are at the other parents house. What we have learned, sometimes the hard way, is that you cannot do ANYTHING about that other parents home. Unless they are seriously putting the child in harm, a Judge will say..."you do what you think is best at your home, and you do what you think is best at yours". End of story.

That being said, you can always contact the dad and let him know your opinions (I would ONLY email so EVERYTHING is always in writing and save it in a folder). It doesn't mean he will listen. And get a calendar and document EVERYTHING in it...calls...visitations....dr visits...quick notes on what was said...police calls...etc. If you ever go to court, this will be invaluable!

And you ALWAYS keep everything positive for your daughter. You talk to her about things as they happen. We are always saying to the kids, we know such and such happens, but that is your dad and that's what he thinks is best. Then we try to make sure to do OUR best for the kids while they are here. When the kids get older, they will see for themselves what is going on and who is really there for them.

Maybe google "blended families" and read some articles and give them to the dad as well. Good luck.

It's not up to you to make the rules at someone else's house. If you have a good working relationship with your ex hubby then speak with him about the issues. If your daughter is in an enviroment where the police are being called for disputes then maybe you need to speak with your lawyer concerning the more escalated issues your child is being subjected to.

How frustrating. I do think a well planned discussion with father/step parent is in order. Not pointing fingers, but just to share that there are certain things you want for your daughter. Part of that is the innocence and joy of childhood, for however long she wants it. Certain actions that occur in life can harden her and make her loose that joy sooner. Wouldn't you agree we want the best for daughter. I am sure you will see the heads nod. Then ask them for their help in keeping this precious girl innocent as possible and that includes needing their help in making sure she is not exposed to movies with harsh words/scenes, is allowed to hold on to some childhood wonder like belief in Santa (not that santa has to visit their house, just don't spoil it for everyone else) finally, the issue of fights escalating to police involvement. . .
Maybe by doing this very neutral, keeping it about a common goal for daughter and phrasing it as needing their help, you will see some movement in their actions.
If not, get some kind of a family court mediator involved to let them know this is a serious issue.
Best of luck. It is easy for me to be an arm chair advisor, but you will know what is right for you all:)

My first suggestion would be to talk to her father. You and he are going to have to figure out how to co-parent effectively together, and just as if you were still together, you must agree on some of the fundamentals. If simply talking to him doesn't work, you could always ask him to attend family counseling, and have the impartial opinion help look at issues that may become too personal to see clearly.
One major issue I would personally have is with their fighting getting so severe that the police are called. If things are that bad, maybe you should re-visit the custody situation. Your daughter needs to be in stable environments which is definitely not what her fathers' household sounds like with the step-mother.
You also need to make clear to her father that while you have accepted that the step-mom is in your child's life, she is not your child's mother and shouldn't be put in a position to act like her mother.
Best of luck as you navigate this complicated journey!

M.,

Police called because of a marital argument?

Was the police intervention a onetime thing? What happened, just yelling or was their physical violence?

You message is sort of contradictory (i.e. father has great qualities, no parental guidance re movies etc. Police called to home for fighting….the Santa thing is strictly up to you and dad).

If this is just a case of your morals and beliefs vs. your former husband and his new wife’s that do not place your child in harm’s way you don’t have a leg to stand on.

I will say if the police are called a few more times you won’t have to worry about who has full custody or visitation. You will be able to get a new order with only supervised visits.

Blessings…

It is your job to protect your daughter but to stay political with her father. Just make sure you keep your values and your way a living at your house. If the police is being called to your house you need to address this immediately maybe with an outside source. Depending on how your relationship is with your ex you might say you know how do you think mentally it is to havve to watch a fight so bad that the cops were called. It can't be good to her. But if you two don't get along it will be useless because he will probably just ignore you and if that is so you need a 3rd party to address it with him.