Help with Teenage Daughter

I have to laugh because I remember my mom trying to talk to me about this type of stuff and I just was NOT comfortable with it. My mom was/is the very definition of the word prude - I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I through a fit and pretended I wasn't listening but I definitely was. So even though she may not be comfortable, she very well may be listening! I would have been more comfortable with a book... or even an aunt or friend.

From what I hear from all my mom friends with daughters this age, this is normal for teen girls to NOT wanting to "TALK". She'll probably listen though, even though she'll probably roll her eyes in disgust and say things like, Gross, and Mom?!?!?. Don't expect her to talk to you, because you can't make her talk. You can only do what you can to keep that line of communication open and let her know that she can talk to you whenever she wants/needs. Don't beat a dead horse though...otherwise, she'll begin to think that that's ALL you want to talk about and she'll start avoiding you. But, you'll have to start putting trust in the way you raised her...this is a big step for you both.

D.,
I think it is pretty normal for teens to feel weird about talking about these topics with their parents. Start off by just talking to her, but not asking her questions. Maybe the awkwardness will go away after a few talks. She probably will listen, but is too embarassed to add to the conversation. If she won't listen, write it down and put it in her room. I can just about guarantee she will read it in private. Good luck!

when I got my first...I got it again 6 months later, then again another 4-5 months later...

I was late...I was probably like 16 or 17 when it first started...

honestly I didn't start getting normal until I was about 23 years old, with lots of chiropractic care, I was and am still very against taking a pill really of any kind.

you would be surprised at how well they cover these things in health classes, don't push her to talk about it, but do let her know your there for her to talk about...leaving it open to her doesn't mean she isn't going to talk to you, it just means she isn't going to talk to you when YOU want her to talk about it...

I don't remember having long drawn out conversations with anyone when I got mine...I don't even remember asking anyone how to insert a tampon...I read the directions...

it is a woman thing to be very private about this type of thing, hitting her all at once with the period talk and the sex talk might just be too much for now...

maybe get her a book, and just let her know your there for her.

Some kids are just more private and we have to respect that. Check out some books from the library, let her read them and regularly reaffirm that you are there for her, should she have any questions or concerns. Forcing the issue will only cause withdrawal, then she will go to her friends!

Personally, I think that society is too free with info on sex, making the assumption they will "do it anyway" or never talk with us, unless we get them to be totally open and verbal about it from an early age. Actually, if we break down the natural barriers that kids have about their privacy, they can be more suseptible to being taken advantage of or loose in their morals as they grow up. There needs to be a balance between "need to know" and "keep it to yourself." The best way to strengthen our kids is to develop trust and respect between them and ourselves from the earliest ages.

SAHM of seven - one married, one in college, two in high school, three little guys - chaste before marriage
It's possible!

Hi D.,
I do agree that having one cycle and then missing one can be very common for 13 year olds so I would not worry about that unless it continues.

Lots of kids feel uncomfortable at her age talking about sex, body changes, things that can happen. One thing you may try is to tell her you feel there are some things she should know and you know she is not comfortable with it but you feel you should tell her these things. Let her know that she can just listen and that she does not have to respond. Another suggestion is to schedule a visit with her doctor. When my daughter started having her cycle I asked her doctor to talk to her 'privately' - there was a nurse in the room also but she was less embarressed talking to her doctor at first.

yes--that is a normal way for periods to start--hopefully when they come every month they won't be too painful--Aleve is the over the counter drug of choice for cramps if she ever has them-----I know you want to have an open relationship with her--but if she's not comfortable--maybe your ob-gyn has some good pamplets--or go to your library or online and get some books for her to read-you can get some good used books on amazon.com-books-just figure out what book you want to get and look it up on there---then at least you know she gets the right info about her body and what happens--there's lots of help out there--good luck--and maybe as she gets used to the idea, and can read some materials--she'll be more open to ask you questions--always let her know you are there to help--but don't ride her on it--good luck--i'm a mom of a 24 year old daugher--light of my life--S.

Don't stop talking to her! Just because her eyes roll back into her head doesn't mean her ears aren't working!! Yes, it's embarrassing, but she needs to get sex info from her parents, not her peer group. My son is this way, too. I just keep talking! If the child is uncomfortable it means that they heard you! It has helped to tell my son stories about my own adolescence. He's much more inclined to listen when it's not about him. Good luck and don't give up!

As everyone else as stated irregular periods are normal in the beginning.

If she doesn't want to talk you may want to stop by Barnes and Noble. They have books about girls, their bodies, emotions and yes sex. There are books in the kids section by American Girl and books in the teen section. I was just there yesterday getting a book for my daughter.

This is normal at that age. Mine was sporadic for two years straight and there really were no issues with this. Her body is just getting used to what's going on and within a year or two, she most likely will be on a normal cycle.

Most girls do not want to talk about this kind of thing with their mothers. I had that same issue when I was younger. My mom didn't even know I had my period for the first two years! The good thing is she came to you the first time and the rest will follow. Just be patient. I'm sure the hormones are flying with her and hitting her with all the sex talk at once on top of her getting her first period might be a little overwhelming.

M.

A very touchy subject to a girl that age. I would have been mortified if my mother would have tried talking about it to me but that was my personality. Have you said that you just want to make ure that she knows things correctly thatn from friends? Or maybe have your pediatrician talk with her. Good Luck D.! i LUCKED OUT AND MY SON THAT AGE MAY BE EMBARASSED BUT HE TALKS TO ME. SORRY FOR THE CAPS i AM AT WORK AND EVERYTHING IS IN CAPS.

Don't worry that it has been two months. Cyles can start much like they end during menopause which can be sporadic. As for her not wanting to discuss it, my daughter went throught that as well. So, I didn't force the issue, but would just bring it up now and then. She is 16 now and will tell me if she is having cramps and such. I think it is a big event in a girls life that kind of signals the end of "little" girlhood, give her some time. Just be open and ready to listen.

D.,

The beginning of the normal period cycle can be very unpredictable.

I did fine with my teen daughter growning up, I was worried about my only son growing up. His father died a few years ago and, believe it or not, I was never a teen boy to be able to understand the male changes.

I went to "Borders" book store and bought him a book about a boy's changes to become a man. I was surprised at how many different writting styles there were to choose from. At least this way, if she has a question she doesn't need to rely on the friends answer. Ocassionaly, you can ask if she has any questions about the info she has read. Maybe she'll talk, maybe she won't.

But either way, make sure you emphasis sexual diseases. She doesn't need to talk to be able to listen. Don't wait for sexual activities to begin. The info needs to be repeated often--well before hand. And that announcement can be made anywhere in the house. If you're talking to the 13 year old and the 10 year old hears it--10 is not too young. TV shows or commercials is a good way to announce it.

S.

P.S. That last paragraph is good advice for all parents. Just because they are sweet little 10 year olds (boys and girls), there is no way to predict how high school (middle school) friends will influence them.

Especially during the first year or so, periods will be irregular, so don't worry too much about that. She'll come to you when she's ready to talk about sex and periods, but until then, keep reminding her that you're willing to answer any of her questions and that she can trust you.

Have you considered getting some books from the library that are age appropriate to explain to her about this coming of age process? You can just leave the books with her (in her room for example) and let her look at them on her own and explain to her that if she has questions, you are there for her. Continue to tell her that you are always there for her. You can even preview the books and flag the pages that are important so she can look through it.

I dont know much about having to deal with this situation yet, I have a 2 year old, but anyway, my sis in-law has older kids, she went and got a book from the "american Kids"(I really dont know who they are either) it goes into talking about everything that changes while going through this time in her life. I would suggest getting that book and letting her read it on her time and tell her that is she has questions to come and ask you. I do know when I got my period I was too embarrassed to talk to my mom too. Give her time, I am sure she will come around.

just keep talking! You may think she's not listening, but she is. She might feel 'mortified' that her mom is telling her these things, but better you than the other 13 years who really don't know what is going on. You know, you could also write to her and let her know she can ask you anything, and if it would be easier - have her ask you in writing! As far as her only having one period and then missing months ... at her age that is normal. Not to worry. My humble advice overall -- just keep talking!

I know that many of my friends have had irregular periods since the day they got theirs. Don't try too hard to talk with her about these things, but keep tabs on her as much as you can. If she's going to a friends house, call the parents etc. Even if she won't open up to you listen to her and her friends when their together or on the phone.
The schools do a good job of educating kids now, so I'm sure she knows a lot about that sort of stuff. Does she have a boyfriend that you know of? Maybe you should think about putting her on the pill for the sake of regulating her period?

I never got my period until I was 15 maybe 16 years old. I had it once and never got it again for another year. I remember being so embarrassed to tell my mom and I absolutely was not going to have a discussion with her about it. I come from a very close family, 6 brothers and sisters. I am now 40 and have my own children. I see my dauughter being very much me- shy about discussing these things. I decided at young ages I would introduce these topics a little at a time and so far we haven't had problems - they are still young, 10 and 8 years old and things could change. I think you just have to understand this is not something your daughter is going to feel comfortable discussing. Although I do believe you are going to have to sit her down and force her to listen to your expectations of her as a teenager whether she wants to hear it or not.

I would say that having a period stop is normal....at least, that's how it happened for me. I got my first one at age 11 (almost 12) and then didn't get it again for 8 months. My mom would joke with me that I could have almost had a baby by then. As far as the sex talks go, I hated hearing it from my parents too. I think a kid that age either already knows the "how" part, and in my opinion, it's good that they know how you feel about it. (For example, they told us that they wanted us to abstain until we were married, but if for some reason we found ourselves pregnant we should tell them and not hide it because they are on our side. Even if we didn't say much in response, we knew how they felt. And it was nice knowing that if we did end up getting "in trouble" they would be there to help.)

How about taking her away for a special grown up girl weekend - just the two of you. The point will be to educate her on all sorts of things of life like periods, dating, table manners, ordering from waiters, handling money... whatever she might want to know. You can go get your nails done and go out for dinners... I know there are books available that maybe you could bring with and read the chapters on the different subjects and then discuss together.

Sounds like you got a lot of good advice. Maybe going to the doctor would be a good idea? I too was embarassed about such things. I remember my friends and I would refer to our periods as Charlie. "That jerk Charlie came yesterday", that way no one else would know what we were talking about and it didn't seem so embarassing. Good luck with this.

An irregular period at this age does not seem abnormal. As for communication: If she doesn't want to talk to you, maybe she would like to have a meeting with her physician (a woman perhaps?). Maybe you could sit in on the meeting too. Have you looked into the HPV vaccine for her yet? If not, this might be the right opportunity to get her into the doctor for her first female exam.

Check out info about HPV and the vaccine on the CDC's website.
Deb.

Keep talking to her about it. She may not respond, but she hears what you are saying. She will have to get over embarrassment issues with talking to her mom about it in her own time. You could suggest her talking to a doctor, therapist, or other trusted adult. You obviously found out that she did get her period and knew how long is lasted, so you aren't completely out the loop! Good luck.

She is 13! I remember, and I am 65 now. That is a very hard age! You aren't grown, and your not a baby. Believe me when I tell you, she is getting an education at school as well as in school. Girls are harder to talk to than boys. Talk to a school councler or your doctor on ways to handle this. If you don't, you will end up in that bad situation you are fearful of. I had worse problems, I was running from my dad, who wanted to put his hands all over me and was threatened by him if I told. I was 11! I am not suggesting that is what is going on in your home, but please understand, it is something for you to rule out and I don't mean you thinking ( of My husband wouldn't do that to His little girl ) because, sadly, the facts are, it can be going on right under your nose and you know what they say about not seeing the trees for the forest. Your chils just might be shier than most. It could be alot of things. I am glad I am not in your shoes. Good Luck and Please know I am not saying that what I went thru in my home growing up is happening in yours. I don't mean any offense by it!

When I was about 13-14 my mom gave me her 1970s copy of "Our Bodies, Our Selves" which is a book about being a woman. There were things I would have been embarrassed to talk to my mom or my friends about (masturbation for instance) but things like that were covered in the book. I know there's a newer version, and it's definitely geared toward adults, but depending on your daughter it might be appropriate. It was very candid about birth control, sex, etc., so depending on your beliefs it might not be what you're looking for. However, a lot of 13 year old girls are more grown-up than we give them credit.
I'm so thankful I'm not 13 anymore, lol.
Props to you for being so open about these things with your daughter, and good luck.

My daughter is 13 and started her period a few months ago. Not having it regularly at first is quite normal. Thankfully for me, my daughter has always been open with me about things, asking me questions after the school film concerning periods was shown, etc. When she first started I took her to buy pads, letting her choose what she thought would work best for her while offering advice. With my daughter, I find that talking in 'small doses' works well. When she started, I would toss out stories of things that happened to me (and others that I know) when I first started and offered suggestions for her such as to slip an extra pair of panties and jeans in her back pack in case of accidents, ways in which I carried pads around so that no one would know (my daughter refuses to carry a purse just as I did at that age), misconceptions girls have at first, etc. I would pick alone times to toss these tidbits out there and if she seemed to feel uncomfortable I would then change the subject. Sharing my own experiences helps my kids to realize that I too mess up on occasion, but in sharing that, they also see that mistakes are normal and ok and can be dealt with and that you know how to deal with them. On a general, I tell my kids that no matter what, as long as they are up front and honest with me, I will have thier back no matter what, even if I am upset or disappointed with them. Honesty from you is the best thing you can give your kids. My kids know that when they mess up, they will still get in trouble, but less trouble then if they were to lie about it. My 16 year old son is sexually active and due to my open and honest tidbit approach, he has come to me to discuss birth control and other sexual issues. Both my kids know that no matter what, I will do my best to help and/or find answers should I not know. That's all you can do for your kids at this age, toss it out there, let them know where you stand and where you've been, and above all, communicate an open honest attitude and not a judgemental one. They will come to you when they are ready and/or when they need you.

When my friends daughter started hers, she went and bought a beautiful silver braclet to mark the "becoming a woman" stage. This made it a positive change and a less embarrassing thing for her daughter. If I wanted to talk to my kids about something, I would do it in the car. They can't go anywhere, they have to listen and if you make it like conversation rather then a lecture on changes the body makes, it will be more receptive. My daughter was shy about issues like that. When she wanted her first bra, we went shopping. She walked with me through the bra section and pointed to the one she wanted. When I started to pick it up, she gasped and said "NO, not with me here!"
So I had to go back and pick it up without her. She had gotten better since then, now she can buy her own.

Also don't count on the school giving her enough information on sex education. Give your veiw on values and such. I know when my daughter came home from school after watching "the movie" she said to me that they got to see the movie, got a pamplet and a pad. Then she confided that she felt sorry for the boys, they only got to watch a movie and they got a pamplet, but no pad. When I said they didn't need a pad, she was confused on why not. I wonder now if she still feels sorry for them on not needing a pad.

I remember when i got my period my mom asked if she should buy pads-I said no. I was too embarrassed. So for several years I used tp and I even tried making my own. Finally while I was at the store with her I threw in a pack and she said nothing. She never talked to me about periods or sex I learned it at school. Maybe if you buy her pads or tampons make sure she has access. Maybe check material out and leave it for her to read. Tell her she can ask you questions when she is ready. Not getting her period again is very normal if it is irregular. But mabye she will see a doc?? Good luck and be patient.

My Daughter is 14 and she got also her period not so long ago, I have been verry open with my daughter from the get go I try not to hide to many things from her. I dont know If it has help me, her knowing that I had her as a teenager my self and she sees us struggle and knows that what I tell her is the truth, I try to be her friend and give her advise in different things and let her express her self up to and extent but I also give her examples and let her see also the mistakes she can get into if she does'nt think before she act's. I dont know if this will help

D.,
I have a fifteen year old daughter and a 20 year old son. Don't worry you're not alone. This is perfectly normal. A lot of young ladies will go thru this. Some people are never regular. I started just by spotting and never truly started for several months. My old sister went for almost nine months without a period so my mom tried talking to her to see if there was anything she wanted to tell her and she said no. Mom took her to the doctor and he said until she quit letting every little thing bother her she wouldn't have one and he was right. Young ladies are very embarassed by it. There is the thing of not wanting kids at school to know because they will tease. Schools now a days put kids thru sex education classes too. Just let her know that you are there for her and that you to need to talk but you will give her time to get comfortable with it. She will really never be really comfortable until she is older but she will come around. If she's not showing a big interest in boys you are probably ok for now. Just let her know that she has the right to say no and she does not have to do anything she doesn't want to and the importance of loving the person you decided to be with.

K. F.

Keep talking! Not just about "girl stuff" but about everything! My daughter and I are very close. When she was younger, we teased her about not having a thought she didn't share!
Communication between children and parents varies a lot because we all are individuals. I would have rather died than talked to my mother about periods, though we did have "the talk."
My daughter and I, on the other hand, talk about everything. her friends know that if they don't want me to know something, they better not tell my daughter. We talk about periods, boys, teachers, pregnant girlfriends (and all the possibl ramifications), college selection, clothes, cramps, food, work, the latest vaccinations, etc.
Be available. Even talking about commercials on tv or shows that you watch together, or music you both listen to. it is amazing what they absorb when you think they aren't "getting it."
Menstrual cycles vary a lot when they first start. My first was 2 weeks long! then I didn't have another for 4 months. Fortunately for me, no cramps.
Good luck!

P.S. I'm a mother of 3 girls and 3 boys, (my youngest is 18) all very different individuals who bring a lot of joy to my life.

let her come to you. my mom was always in my beeswax when i was that age. all i did was rebel skip school and faught with her all the time. i thought i knew everything. im 26 now. now i see my cousins going through it. i fell the same way about my son iw ant him to feel he can talk to me any time. hes 4 but he still needs that security. giver her either pamphlets or books. its embaressing to go through that. are other girls her age going through their cycle yet? maybe shes the only one. try getting her into counseling someone who maybe she will open up to. its an emotional road and maybe she doesnt know how to express it. she is finding herself. never hold her back from who she wants to be but always be there for her. have you told her im here for you? let her know your there to tlak whenever shes ready

It is very normal to be irregular at the beginning. I suggest reading the book by American Girl, The Care and Keeping of You. My daughter and I are reading it together and the content leads to some great discussions.

D.,

First of all, periods that come and go are normal for this age. Her body needs time to find its own rhythm.

My suggestion would be to talk to your gynecologist and get some information about maturing and periods, etc. and leave them for your daughter to read. Natural curiosity will probably bring her to them.

When you give them to her, don't tell her you told the doctor she had started her periods. Just say you got some information. It sounds like she is very embarrassed about it. Welcome to the age of teenage!

About me: survived 2 teens...a boy and girl.

When I was 13 the same thing happened. I got my period once but then didn't get it again for 6 months. It is perfectly normal for the first time to go that way. Try getting some brouchures or looking up stuff on the internet and showing her the info you have found. It is absolutly important to be a ble to talk to your daughter about these things and also about sex and birth control. i found out the hard way when my 15 year old became PG. I thought we were talking honestly but she was afraid to admit what was going on.

D., about the period: I have two daughters, one 13 turning 14 in April and one 15 years of age. The 15yr old got hers just after she turned 14 and hers have been regular since. The 13yr old got hers in December and has not had hers since. The difference between the two is that my 15yr old was just over 100lbs when she started and my 13yr old was not and is still not quite 100lbs. I hear that is the weight they normally get their period and it seems to regulate after this weight is reached.

My children were also a little embarassed to talk about their cycles. Turns out they have a certain lingo they use to talk with their friends so it remains private to the rest of society. My kids call theirs a visit from Tom and Patty (tampon & pad) or decimal point.It changes with time. I think if you try to understand the lingo and are just available if she has any questions she'll come around. Also, they discuss this issue pretty extensively in health class, so she may have received a lot of information in that way. You could ask her about class and tell her you just want to be sure she has the information she needs. I hope this helps. Best of luck. C.(42yr old Mom of three)

Starting your period is kind of like ending your period - your body needs time to adjust to the changes. Hormone levels will go up and down while they're trying to level off and find a rhythm. Just like it takes time after having a baby to return to normal, same for her. Give her at least 6 months to see any sort of pattern form. Also keep in mind, some people never have regular cycles. She's also going through changes mentally. She's no longer a child but is turning into a woman and that's a big deal. Many teens around this time need space in talking but not space physically. Does that make sense??? LOL They need us close in case they have questions but also need us not to harp on them about these topics. They need to know we're available to talk but will talk about normal everyday things too. I like to take my oldest son in the car somewhere. He tends to open up and share more. We'll also run errands together and leave all the other kids with dad to get the same effect. With my daughter, we go to a good little sandwich shop, get a sandwich, smoothie, and good desert and just talk. Try something like that to help her open up and feel comfy and secure.

My 14 year old is also a very private person when it comes to her period and sex, though she isn't embarrassed by discussions when it comes up in the course of conversation. Unfortunately that's more often than I'd like given the current attitude of high-school aged kids toward sex.

Just make sure she knows she can talk to you/ask questions at any time and let her come to you. She will talk about it when she's ready.

It's also good to explain to her the things they won't talk to her about in school - like the importance of regular OB/GYN visits and checkups. Amenorrhea can indicate other problems as well as be a sign of fertility problems, so it's important for her to understand that as she gets older missing periods should be discussed with her doctor at a minimum. My SIL (an OB/GYN) and my own OB/GYN say young women don't need to see a doc until they're 18 or 19 years old, but it's never too early to discuss the importance of regular OB/GYN visits with your daughter.

If you haven't discussed the possibility of Gardasil vaccines with her, you might want to use that to start a discussion about sexual/reproductive health.

Basically, give her opportunities to discuss but don't push; she'll probably open up when she's ready.

Good luck!

D.,

I have two 17 year old girls and know your problem! As they get older they tend to talk about it more. The only thing I have found to work is to try and be their friend at that point and not their mom. Then tone in at the end with your advise. I do think that her situation is very normal, and it's got to be new and strange to her, uncomfortable. My daughter had the same problem for awhile and the doctor suggested putting her on birth control just to regulate the periods. I didn't take this advice because I felt that gave them permission to start having sex and not take it so seriously. Otherwise, they may be irregular for awhile, even years, when my daughter turned 17 I did decide to put her on the pill and it took care of this problem. Just the way they were built I guess. I hope this helps.

C. H

Sounds a lot like my 13-year-old daughter. I think it is normal for your daughter to not be regular yet with her periods, especially after having just one. My 16-year-old got her first period a few years ago, and didn't have another one for months. Is your daughter active in athletics? That can make a big difference. My 16-year-old is a runner, and the doctor said that can really effect menstrual periods. At this point I wouldn't be concerned, but talk to your doctor for reassurance. As far as communicating...neither of my teenage daughters like to talk about that stuff, either. But they do listen, and they hear you even when you think they don't. Lovingly tell her that you are the one that loves her the most in the whole wide world, and want her to have the best information so this growing-up thing will go as well as it can. Tell her that her friends really don't know any more than she does, and you have been through a lot of things already, so you do know. It may not be a two-way conversation, but at least she will know that you are there for any questions she will have. She will change a lot between 13 and 16, for instance, and she may surprise you with some questions and a conversation or two along the way. Don't get too discouraged. Pray about it. That's the best solution.

Open communication is the key here. Although schools do teach this stuff now, it is so important that kids hear it from their parents. For one thing, parents can talk about morals and values which is very important. My daughter is also 13 and has had her period a few times, and we have talked about this stuff a lot. We've never had a great big, sit down, serious conversation about it. We just talk about it as the opportunities arise. My opinion is that we as moms need to bring this stuff up with our daughters. I don't think it's enough to let someone else teach it and make ourselves available to our daughters for questions. One of the things I mention regularly is my expectation that my kids wait until marriage like I did. They hear so much that everybody's doing it; they need to hear regularly that everybody's not. I applaud you for taking seriously the need to have open communication with your daughter!

There is a program out there called - Girl Talk, see if it is available in your area. It's gotten rave reviews! Good Luck and just remember to keep talking and she'll get more comfortable with it!