Help with Screaming Fits

Hi J.,

I am the mother of a 19 year old daughter and a 20 month old son. So the first thing I will say is that it won't last forever! In thinking about the similarities and differences between my kids at Jaiden's age, communication and frustration come to mind. My daughter talked early and it was easy for her to let me know what she wanted. My son wants to communicate, but isn't as verbal as his sister. The cool thing is that in the time between the births of my children someone decided that sign language would be a good thing for babies to know. So we've been doing simple signs with my son and it really helps with his ability to let us know what he wants. Jaiden is at the right age to start. We used Baby Signs.

Also, holding him isn't a detriment in any way...my opinion, I have no research to back it up! My husband is a stay-at-home dad and he has found that if he sets aside certain times that are just for Jackson, then Jackson is more prone to be independent for longer stretches of time. We calculated that for every 15-20 minutes of one-on-one time, we get about 35-45 minutes of "adult" time. It seems to me that this would vary with individual children, but even 15 minutes for 15 minutes can be a good ratio! Jackson has done much better if he is at least in the same area as we are. My husband works from home, so if he tries to keep Jackson away from the office, it's a problem. But if he can sit at my husband's feet, he's fine.

Hope this gets better and remember, it will be all too soon that he's in college!

W.

J.,

My daughter is 3 months old and is very needy. She is very different from my son. My son was independent and I was able to get what I needed to get done. My daughter is a different
story.

You are just going to have to let him cry and throw a fit. I know that it is easy to pick him up so that he stops crying, but he has to understand that you can't always hold him. I try putting her in the swing, bouncer, etc before I hold her. There are days that my daughter gets out of control with the crying so I put her in the sling, so that I can get what I need to get done. The sling is only for emergencies.

Hope this helps
V.

Hi J.! My 9 month old daughter Ruby is starting to display some "seperation" at times but I choose to look at it as attachment. It's great that Jaiden is so attached to you! :) Since you have the wonderful advantage of staying home and setting forth a schedule (I'm not a stay at home mom:( why not schedule "Jaiden time"? Set aside some minutes in which he is playing and interacting with his toys and increase the time as each day passes. I can't get alot done on the weekends because Ruby yells at me if I'm not playing or holding her! I usually start playing with her and she gets so involved that I can leave her alone long enough to get one of my chores done!I believe that sometimes a couple of minutes of crying will not hurt anyone and a happy mommy is a better mommy!

J., I never believed that holding them to much would be a problem, only when my son was sick did I really hold him alot. At 5 months old we put him in an excersaucer and he loved it at 7 we did a walker, he walked at 10 months. I felt giving him more mobility and independence would end his yellig at me to pick him up, and it did. but the first couple days were crazy. Tehy just want to see everything at our level and we happen to be the ones at that level. What ever I am doing when we are not playing I try to include him, like paperwork I give him some paper and crayons in his highchair and talk to him as if we are working on it together. I am 35 and own my own buisiness and have included my son in everything I do and he is extremely independent of me, unless he is sick. Holding touching, kissing and talking to them is so important, they are people to and require attention and i always keep that in mind. Try a walker they are 39.99 for a basic small one and he will follow and explore, my son loved it........

J., you mentioned your son "screams when he doesn't get his way," what way is that? You mentioned his needs being met: diaper, food, bottle...there is touch time too. Every child is different, even siblings. Look through the eyes of your 8M old...the only way he can communicate with you is through crying. Separation is very serious to infants. I don't like it when people say infants are manipulative, they are not! They have no idea how to be manipulative, they only know what they need to do to survive.

Have you tried "wearing" him? Not in a Baby Bjorn, but a sling. (There are many out there.) Separation anxiety can last a long time and if you are worried about tummy time, a sling actually helps the torso musculature. It lets the baby see what you see and keeps you close to him.

I am what is referred to as an "attachment parent." Check it out on-line and you will find what is actually normal behavior for infants and toddlers. I know it can be frustrating, but it is so short-lived. Build trust with him. Walk around with him and ask him questions. Trust build confidence.

Check out kellymom.com, Dr. Sear's websites. Type in attachment parenting and see what comes up.

Good luck, and don't be afraid to let some chores go to the wayside for your child!

L., Mom of two

Dont give in to him, he is testing you to see what he can get away with. Stick to your guns, if he wants to throw a fit, let him. He will eventually learn.

Hmm...my son is 3 now but pretty independent at 9 months. He walked at 8 months. He can play by himself and watch tv too. Does he have a favorite stuffed animal or blanket or pacifier? Do you have a walker or exersaucer? Play some music.

One of my friends use to strap her kid in that rocker chair all the time, so he never got into wanting to walk or talk. So, get him in a walker or exersaucer so he can try to entertain himself while you shower or cook or something.

If that doesn't help, ask the doc, maybe there's something else bothering him...he might have food allergies or ezcema..which is very common with my son. He's still allergic to some stuff.

hello. i am reading this great book that you may find interesting. it is called "The Aware Baby". it puts forward the idea that crying does not always represent a need. this book suggests that some crying may be a form of stress release and when we stop it or ignore it our children develope ways to suppress those painful emotions they were trying to cry out. they propose holding your child lovingly and allowing them to release their tears, provided all their needs are met. they strongly discourage leaving any baby alone while they cry.
i have begun trying this with my daughter, who is 14 months old. when i am sure she is well fed and is dry and not in pain i will hold her while she crys. at times these tears last a couple minutes. several times she became almost enraged, but i continued to be there for her and give her my love. inevitably she will cry out whatever was upsetting her and then begin to calm down on her own. these crying sessions seem to lead he to be very calm and content much of the rest of the time.
it is important to remeber that even when our children seems to be very angry or upset, they still need us and our love. they have no idea what to do with those volitile emotions until we teach them, and being present while they release is a powerful message that it is okay to feel those things (anger at not getting our way, trauma from birth, sadness and frustration after busy family encounters and holidays, etc.).
i hope this may be of help.

That's really normal for that age to want constant attention and screaming is the only way he knows to communicate. As long as you are able to get things done that you need to do there's no such thing as holding him too much.

I had this problem after I took a trip to visit my in-laws. EVERYONE told me he was "embrasilado" which is what they call the little one when they are use to the arms. The only way I was able to gt him to stop was to let him cry. I know it sounds horrible but it works. You can play with him and do what you need to do like change his diaper, feed him, and give him his quality hugs and kisses but don't pick him up any more then you NEED to. It's going to be VERY hard the first few days but you need to be strong. If you are not strong he will continue wanting your arms and never let you do anything. While you do all this be sure to tell him that you love him and that he needs to learn to let mommy and/or daddy do what they need to do. It's the only way I have ssen it work. Good luck and let use know how it goes.

J.,
I would say as a 35 single mother of 2 boys close in age (12 & 13 ). Don't worry too much. If you have made sure all his needs are met and you need him to have his independent time. Don't worry. If he has a fit and you constantly give in HE KNOWS that is how to get your attention. Your supporting a negative action with his fits.
A child no matter what age - will never die of crying too much or screaming. He might get a minor throat irritation if he doesnt stop doing it day after day. But believe me children are smart and they know that when you need time for yourself or have things to get done if they fit and you change your actions they will continue to do it. Specially if your at home, just ignore him. He will get over it and after a while which could be 5 min to 30 min. even up to 2 hrs. then he will get it that your NOT going to change your intentions no matter what and he will have to deal with it. He may even find something else to do if you don't pay attention when he fits. He may move closer to you to make you react. You can choose the time to allow his actions or you can begin taking his time away.
Also, he may just have gotten used to being with you too much and not on his own so it may feel awkward to him but your not doing anything wrong that i can see from your details. You just have to tough it out. If anything he will get stronger lungs. Hope this helps.