Help with Preschool Potty Behavior

Hi There,

I can really relate. My daughter was peeing in her potty and would take it over her head and dump it all over the floor and proceed to dance in it. After several times she then pooped on the couch and rolled it around. Ugghhh! So, after getting so mad I thought I would pop a vein. I realized it was an attention thing. I am a SAHM also but I realized she need more of my focus and also for me not to react to her when she played with her bowel movements and pee. So, I became a Mary Poppins instead of the crazy, stressed, trying to cook 5-6 meals a day mom. I know this is weak advice but it is temporary just breathe!

Hi K.,

As a mom I can really understand how difficult and frustrating this is for you. Bravo for you to know your limits and to distance yourself away from her when you are angry - you know that you won't be able to help her while you are stressed and angry. Sometimes mommies need the Time "IN", and not our kids:) I have 4 children. My youngest is 3, and though she is using the potty very successfully, thre are times when she just doesn't want to stop playing and goes in her panties, or she had a spell when she would go in her panties when she was feeling upset or scared. When my son was 3, going pee in the toilet was not a problem, but I can't tell you how many pairs of underwear I had to wash out or throw away because he refused to use the bathroom for caca time! Here is what I know from experience and research. 3 year old's are funny creatures. That is they are going through a really fragile and challenging time devlopmentally and will start behaving in ways that are new to them and us because they are still trying to make sense of thier world and how they fit in. What makes them different from a baby and toddler? There thinking skills are more developed, yet they are still quite unable to really process what is happening. Young children are EXTREMELY intuitive and instinctual...they will almost always do what they FEEL and not what is in the best interest for anyone else. That is ok. It's the way it's supposed to be.
So what do we do when their behavior is making us CRAZY!?
First....as hard as it is, take a very big deep breath, look at her with all your love and compassion that you have for her and try not to make a big deal out it. And making her clean up her own messes?...seems like a logical consequence, but it doens't seem to be working and maybe just making her feel "bad". She can help you clean up, but in a no fuss no muss sort of way. Like, "oops, where do you go potty? In the toilet- right. Beds are for sleeping. Lets change and clean up now." Then move on with your day.
Another thing. Really pay attention to her signals of needing to go. Then take her to the bathroom. Even if she is able to do it by herself...you just need to stop what you are doing and take her- again, no fuss no muss count to 10 if you must! You won't be doing it forever I promise:)
It's great that you also thought of things that could have changed to cause her "accidents"...sleep, eat, moods, etc. You are seeking ways to help her. A few more thoughts I have. Though 3 year olds are going through their own planetary phase, are there other things that have changed in her routine? Has she been able to have any one on one time with you or daddy? (I swear, sometimes just yummy quality one on one time is all they need to improve their behavior). Has she been able to get outdoors and just play- unstructured exploring nature play? Kids dont' get 1/2 of the outdoor time they need. Remember, children are very curious, instinctual, and intuitive human beings.....being out in nature, even just a park, is what they crave and despertely need to thrive. Read the book, "Last Child in the Woods" by Robert Louve. Or check out the film on "Where do Children Play" by Elizabeth Goodenough (you can google this and it will get you to the website). Possibly with a little more good old fashioned play with sticks and bugs and grass and sand will improve her potty habits. Getting back to nature and inspired play will help almost every kind of unwanted behavioral situation. Ok 2 more things and I'm done:) The way we speak to our children, the actual words we use can help or hinder, inspire or degrade them. Ask yourself, "How do I really speak to her? Do I use positive words or negative words? What is my tone? Is this a problem for me or for her? Why? What is arising in me when I feel angry about this? How can I best help and guide her? How can I say this differently? There is a book called "Raising Humane Beings" by local counselor Jane Fendelman. IT's a great read on guiding and teaching our children. Also, if you try all of these suggestions and other suggetions from moms, and she is still having "accidents". Try going a bit deeper with her. Maybe she can't verbalize it or even quite understand how she is feeling...but perhaps something has happened, could be something quite small or something bigger. Did she get really frightened or hurt? Check out art therapy to help her through any thing that could be deeper. Art therapy, or even hypnotherapy, is a great way to help children communicate when they can't quite put it into words. I'm betting that it's just about being 3 and needing some emotional needs met on a different level than before and nothing traumatic.
You are her mom, the very best mom she needs, you need never be perfect or expect perfection from your children. Parent from within and just listen to your compassionate inner wise woman voice, and listen to her. Children have much to teach us.

Much good energy to you and your daughter.

In Light and Joy,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hey K.,

It could be that your daughter is too busy to stop what she is doing to go to the bathroom. It is also very possible that she has a UTI. I had them chronically between the ages of 3 and 10. If she is running back and forth to the bathroom, it may be that she feels like she has to go, and then when nothing comes out, she ignores the next time she feels the urge because nothing happened the last time. If you haven't asked her about it, you probably should, and not right after it happens, but during a time that is less stressful for the both of you. If your daughter expresses that she is having a hard time determining when she has to go, I'd schedule an appointment with my pediatrician. Even if it is nothing physical, I'd ask you to consider the fact that children rarely do completely random things. There is a method to their madness, although they cannot always express verbally what it is. Try to get beyond the result and to the reason, and always keep in your mind that this is not a permanent situation. Be compassionate with your daughter, and if the punishment route isn't working, perhaps you should stop punishing her for something she very well may not be able to control. I'm not trying to criticize you, I'm just suggesting that you might change your approach if you want to achieve different results.

Take care,

A.

Hi K.,
When my oldest daughter was little she did this also. We finally deceided she was just totally distracted by what ever activity she was doing at the time of the accidents. Don't stress too much over it she will probablly out grow this time pretty soon. Mine did, they grow up too fast as it is.
Good Luck, M.

Been through it. My daughter turned 5 before it stopped. We don't know why, just that it is very frustrating. Good luck to you, just wanted you to know that you are not the only one out there.

I don't really know what causes this, but my daughter does it too somtimes. She has been potty trained for some time now, but sometimes she has days where she will have accidents everytime she goes potty. I know there are times that she just didn't realize she had to go until too late (accident on the way to the bathroom) but other times she doesn't even seem to realize that she had to go. I just try to remind her to go to the bathroom often, maybe check to make sure your daughter is actually sitting on the potty and actually pees when she goes in there? If she is going potty, and then still has an accident, then I suggest taking her to the Dr because then it could be a UTI. I also know how it is to try and not get mad especially when it seems like they are doing it on purpose. Just remember that it could be something going on with her, or an infection so just try to keep that in mind when she does have the accidents. Good luck!

You are not alone!! Some kids do it for the reaction and some because they have a medical problem. I had one of each. She may have a small bladder. She may have a UTI. She could have VUR. She may have a voiding disorder. My oldest girl has all of the medical conditions listed above. My youngest girl just did it for the reaction from me. It might be best just to have her pedatrician to rule out the medical stuff. Then if thats not the case punish the bad behavior and go CRAZY prasing the times she goes on the potty. Make a huge deal, call grandma clap your hands, get silly, she will love it!! Good luck and hang in there!!

Sometimes my son would go pee or poopy in his pants on purpose. When we were sure that it was not an accident, we would take away one of his toys. He could earn it back at the end of the day if he had no more accidents. He also got lots of positive reinforcement for when he was good with the potty, but is the type of kid that also needs the negative reinforcement sometimes. We only had to do the toy thing for a few days for him to get it.

It sounds to me like your daughter has realized that she controls this situation and she likes it. Instead of showing her that it doesn't anger you maybe you should show her that it does with a proper punishment.

I don't usually suggest running to the doctor but in this case, there probably is something the doctor can do. She could have an infection that is causing her to urinate frequently or cause her to not know she has to go until it is too late.

A friend of my sisters had a similar problem with her daughter. She was randomly peeing in her pants even though she was potty trained. They tried everything to get her to stop and nothing worked. So they finally took her to the doctor and were able to figure out what was going on. She is healthy and using the potty every time now.

Hi K.,

I totally believe in bribing kids to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it.

Find out what her currency is and tell her if she can get through the afternoon without an "accident" you will give her her favorite treat.

Potty training and eating is the first place a child realizes they have power over you. It is the first process of individuation...you are right not to get into a power struggle here. You are right to not get angry...that just shows her that she can be in charge of your emotions.

Vent to your friends and your husband...don't let her see that she can get your goat. And while you're at it...give yourself a treat too!

XXOO, J.

PS~I would go back to plastic panties if my 3 yr old was still wetting. But whatever you do, do it with non-judgement. :-)

My granddaughter is going the exact same thing I would like to get in on any advice also so I can share it with my daughter.

Hi K.,
It sounds like you are asking if she's doing this as a behavior. If she's getting any kind of attention out of you for doing this, and you hinted that she is, (especially considering she can "hold it" when and where she chooses), then she's got you right where she wants you.

But don't worry, you clearly want this to change. Take a step back and look at what you do or say when this happens. I'll bet if you take a deep breath and count to 10 before you react the next time, and think about what you could do differently, you'll realize the little signals you may be sending.

Next time she does it, try reacting in some opposite way (like, not getting mad at all; maybe even not saying anything; maybe handing her a clean towel and walking away without a peep or look from you?), and see how your little one reacts to it.

You're on the right track, mama!
T

In the long run, I agree with other Mamas about getting her checked for a UTI. Esp if she has "foul-smelling" urine.