Help with My Son and His Attitude

I have an 11 year old son too. It is such a great age they are still so innocent and yet they are growing into young men and the hormones are starting to rev up. My husband and I went througha separation for about one year. We were able to reconcile and now things are great. As f or my son during the separation he first thought it was cool that he had two homes. As time went by he became sad more often and during these times he was more likely to be disobedient and test the boundaries. I agree with the advice that suggests that he is feeling insecure.
Since your divorce is recent it is so important for you to provide him with as much security as possible. Most children believe that they are the cause of divorce even if you tell them they are not. Now he also feels that he is not enough for you. Little boys adore their moms and they feel like they have to take the role of "the man of the house" when divorce or separation happens. When you date they do believe you are going to replace them in a way. I believe it is very important for you to define your family and make sure you have time that is for your family only. It is highly recommended that you do not introduce your children to your boyfriend untill you know that this relationship will most likley end up in a marriage commitment. By keeping them seperate you have time out with your friends and he does not feel threatened. Your son will already have many issues due to the divorce you do not want to add to it by introducing a boyfriend that may not be the net "one". Now that your marriage is over your son should be your number one concern. I recommend that you read book on how to keep the damage of divorce downn to a minimum. I hope all goes well. Enjoy every moment with your son before you know it he will be moving out on his own,

I have two sons who are now ages 13 and 10 from my previous marriage. They were two and five when my ex and I split for good. During the past several years we have both gotten remarried and both of us have children from our new spouses. I can tell you this for sure: Boys do take it a lot harder than they let on. Especially at that age due to the fact they feel they have to protect their moms. When my ex was deployed for four months and my new husband and I had been married for not quite a year I made an effort to do something I never thought I would. It was apparent that his girlfriend and he were going to eventually marry (which they did), and although it was a huge pride swallower, I sent them to her every Friday night to spend the night so that they could see that she was going to be in their lives wether he was deployed or not. Seeing that both of his parents are moving on, he feels insecure about where his future lies. Try having your boyfriend (ONLY if you see it lasting forever) take him out just the two of them. If this is not something you are serious about, then I would certainly distance the two. Yes you have needs, but to send your son through another broken relationship would devestate him. He wants you to be happy, but still feels the sting that your ex husband was not enough for you and he probably feels like the others have said, that you are replacing him as well. Take your son out on dates as well...just the two of you, and sometimes with you and your serious beau. Let him see that he still is your number one. At the same time, don't let him rule the roost. My oldest really did like (and now loves)his step parents...but it takes a while for a kid to trust someone new with their most adored people...his mom and dad.

Hi H.,

I could be wrong, but I believe what could be going on with your son is this.
He was fine with the break up because he still had you, and because he figured you guys might make up and reconcile one day. Dad got a girlfriend, and he was ok with it because he still HAD YOU and there was still hope for you and dad to reconcile. BUT then, You got a boyfriend and dad had his girlfriend and your son said "HEY!!! What about me? Dad is busy with HER and mom is busy with HIM and now I don't think their EVER going to get back together, and what if I'm just in EVERYBODY'S way and NOBODY wants me?" I believe it's a security thing, in his 11 yr. old mind, he figures if dad can leave you and you could leave dad then what's stopping you guys from leaving HIM, (silly, I know but it's an 11 yr. olds view not a grown up's) REASSURANCE is key but not to the point of allowing him to manipulate you. I am not an M.D., I am just someone who was once in his position. I hope I helped in some way

Good luck to you and your son,

B.

i have never gotten divorced, but i can tell you how i felt when my parents got divorced and then my dad started dating.
I hated all of them cuz i felt like my dad was trying to replace my om, and i did not want him too. he was alway getting mad at us for random things. He was alway trying to impress them and i hated it. All i wanted was for him to let me like them when i was ready. His girlfriends never wanted to do thing with just us and let us get to know them. That was the hardest thing is we never got to know them. Maybe this helps to give you some insite into how he might be feeling.

he is at a ripe age..therefore u must nurish his needs b4 ur desires period. Enjoy ur new man outside of the home until ur son says its "cool" He will eventually but right now he is not ready and u as a grown woman must respect that!

I do divorce work and it's a whole lot harder on kids the age of your son. In my town we have a kids workshop that the children have to attend that is just for them if their parents are divorcing and it's supposed to minimize the detrimental effects on the kids. Maybe you could look into something like that near you if it exists. I caution you about counseling because sometimes it sends the message to the child that there is something wrong with them. Maybe you could seek the advice of a counselor for things you could do to get past this hump. Good luck, kids from divorce need alot of love.

My prayers are with you! Check out this link for resource.
http://www.jenabbas.com/book/

It deals with children of divorce.

Have your friend say he is comming to see your son. Have your friend take him out for ice cream or alone time. Like boys night (or day) time out. Then gradually both of you do things to include him.Give your son lots of attention so he does'nt feel left out.

I would say to just sit down and talk to him about the situation. Most parents act like their childrens opinion doesnt count, but Ill tell you, It will make a world of difference if you get HIS opinion on this "friend" of yours. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong w/ having an opened communication with your son esspecially when it comes to "relationships"