Help with Mother-In-Law Situation

It's next to impossible to change another person. Hopefully you are not helping to support her. (?)

I would call social services regarding the cat urine. Is she a horder? If so, social services should DEFINITELY be called. Another reason is because of the possible domestic violence. Other than that, there is very little you can do. Don't become co-dependant and try to "fix" her. It won't work and could really adversely effect you and your husband. If your dh is having a problem with it, then maybe HE needs to get into some counseling. Just, whatever you do, DON'T BAIL HER OUT!!! It would be a waste of time and money. Good Luck.

I understand your concern, but unless she is asking you for money it is not your problem, so don't take it on. If she complains to you, just nod, say hmm and/or something like, "I understand," then move the conversation to another topic. If/when she and the brother in law begin to argue in front of you, it's time for you to leave or if they are at your home you will have to politely say you are uncomfortable with the conversation and they will have to leave or change topics.

In terms of the litter box. How about investing in one of the contraptions that teach the cat to pee/poop on the toilet or get one of the self cleaning types. They don't have to be cleaned as much. However, once a cat has done it's business around the house, it's very difficult to train it otherwise. It's also very difficult to clean the scent from the carpet.

Most of all remember, you won't/can't/shouldn't try to change these people. You are only able to control your reaction to them and how much time you choose to interact with them.

J.

Don't give her any money and do your best to stay out of it. If your husband wants to get involved, then let him, but make it very clear that you will not allow her to have any of the money from your family. It is time that we stand up and make people accountable for their actions. Your MIL has always had someone to bail her out...it is time for her to stand on her own two feet, and figure out a solution. You may provide her with resources to help her help herself, but other than that, stay out of it. My husband practically grew up with his mother, and there has been codependency for many, many years. It isn't healthy for your husband, and it isn't healthy for your family. Your family comes first, and foremost. Good luck!

Just stay out of it...

I highly suggest that you mention your concerns to your husband as this is his mother and there could come a time that she may have to live with you or may even ask your husband for financial assistance and this might cause a strain on your marriage. Speaking to him very quickly is important. I do suggest thou that you think about how and what you say as to not be accusing and seeming combative as this is his mom. Family matters are never easy and I wish you all the luck!

sounds a little like my maternal grandmother..I loved her dearly, but in the long run, I could not go over to her house anymore or see her because I could not stand to see waht she was doing to herself...and my parents and her children said it was her free will to do what she chooses...at the time I had my cousins who were livng off of her and just getting sucked into the same vaccuum. Everytime I went over there..I couldn't enjoy my time with my grandmother, all I did was clean up the messes my grandmtother and cousins refused to clean...it was very sad.

My grandmother did know my views and that I could not stand her lifestyle of living and she just accepted that...

if you truely think you need to do something, I would seek legal advice on what your choices are...but ultimately, it will be your hubbies decision, since it is his mother. It is hard I know and at one time had some resentment towards my parents for letting my grandmother get in the condition she was in...but am passed that now.

that's my two cents..hope it helps.

I agree with Helen, but trying to get someone declared incompetant is very difficult. She probably wont qualify for IHSS services because of her income, but it might be worth a call to your county to find out. IHSS would provide a worker to come and help with keeping the house clean, shopping, dr visits, etc. if you can afford it, I second the option of having a private party come in and clean. as for the cat, they make these cat boxes that clean themselves in as much as they push the waste out of the box and you just pick up the bag. might be worth checking out. definately have a talk with the son (perhaps your husband should do this). good luck!

Dear K.,

You could offer to help your mother-in-law with housework including taking care of the cat box and you could help her with grocery shopping at the first of the month when she receives her check. Making a list is a good way to not overspend. If she would just make the list and let you do the shopping that might work better.

Since she is on a fixed income, she may be eligible for food stamps. (Forms for food stamps can be found on line). If she isn’t eligible, there are local organizations including churches that have food banks, where she could go and get some groceries at no cost. Your brother-in-law might also be eligible.

However, if they haven’t asked you for help, even though they are “scraping by”, unless she in personal danger or jeopardy of losing her home, or her health is being severely affected by her lack of housekeeping (i.e. urine order, mold etc.), she may consider your concern as an invasion of her privacy…So tread lightly! You might also have your husband speak privately with his brother.

Bless you for your concern.

I'm sorry........it's so difficult to watch those we love live poorly. It can drain us emotionally.

As her DIL, in my opinion only, it is only your responsibility to make sure your children know her and love her for the women she is WITHOUT her bad habits. That is really your only concern right now.

As women, we try to help at all times, especially those we love, however, there is nothing you can do if she is unwilling to even TRY to help her own situation.

If you offer financial help......you will regret it, and it could make things emotionally worse for you and possibly even interfere with your marriage, so I wouldn't recommend "going there".

The thing I would work on, is getting your hubby involved. This is his MOM we're talking about. Perhaps you've always handled these situations throughout your marriage, but if he feels the same way as you, then let him be the one to talk to her about getting help.

Worst case scenario......nothing changes....keep the focus on letting your children love her. Perhaps invite her over for a family dinner once a week at YOUR house. This way, things will stay in your control without spending money for her directly.

It will all work out, K.. But remember, things seem to "always get worse before they get better......"

~N. :O)

Hm. You can call the state, try to talk to a caseworker, try to declare your MIL incompetent...then what? Personally I would talk to her about getting a regulator for her thermostat, offer to pay for a weekly house cleaning and have a major talk with Mr. 40 something son. After all of that if things don't change then take a DEEEEEP breath and butt out. If she isn't crazy, isn't hurting herself, him or anyone else you really don't have any recourse. Definitely don't give her money.
Unfortunately people live on the fringe of insane/normal in this nation (trust me, dealing with an ex-wife like that) and the courts/county can only do so much. You have to decide how much this is going to impact your life...and your children.

I know you want to help, but they are both adults. There is no way you can change them or help them. Even paying their bills won't really "help" them, it will just enable them. You can offer your advice but that's really all you can do. Let them sink or swim on their own.

Has she ASKED for help from you? If not, then I think you just need to leave it alone and leave it up to your husband and his brother to decide what to do. It's unfortunate that your kids have a "crazy" grandma, but you probably can't change it unless SHE wants to change it.

If the situation is a bad as you have stated, you may wish to contact Adult Protective Services in the county where your mother-in-law resides...If you are not ready for that step, I suggest a private geriatric care manager...You can google caremanagers in their home city...What you have described in an unsafe situation - My suggestion is APS...

Wow! That's a toughie. Some people as they get older, do not want to accept it or think they need help.

Maybe you and your husband could talk her into selling her home and move into an assisted living apartment. This way the son would have to grow up and function on his own and she would have help there since she is medically fragile. Perhaps you guys could manage her money or help her to manage it better. Maybe take the $ from the sale of the home and put it in some kind of an account where she only gets so much a month... or have it set up so it pays her rent and utilities monthly and the rest of her $ will be for her.

I truly wish you a lot of luck with this situation.

If your mother has a state pension she should be fine. It's for life. My parents have a pension from the state and it's great. Of course, they have to live within there means but she's an adult and has gotten herself this far just fine. I can't imagine that if she has a pension she would be available for public assistance of any kind as another poster suggested. People can get quirky as they get older and VERY set in their ways. Don't necessarily think your way is better. Some people just like to complain, whatever their situation.

If they're not hitting you and your husband up for money, then right now it's only a lifestyle that is uncomfortable for YOU to watch. However, if it's impossible for people to visit her house because of the cat smell, and she's not taking care of it, you can call Social Services and have someone do a house visit. That alone is an indicator that she may be developing dementia. Social Services will assess the situation and get her the help she needs. They will also help her get food stamps, if she qualifies, and may contact you and your husband about getting conservatorship, if they determine she needs supervision of her life at this point.

If it's just not the way you want her to live, i.e., scraping by, running out of money, then stay out of it. If she has control of her faculties, this is a choice she has made. She had probably lived this way all her life.

Your mother in Law has symptoms of depression. Her being cold all the time can be partially due to frailty, but partially because of thyroid.

Some things you can suggest that may help her:

Raw Virgin Coconut oil- will increase her metabolism and heat her up a bit internally. Take it by the tablespoon 2-3 times a day. It will also help support thyroid. Depression is a major symptom of thyroid disorder.

Iodine(Idoral)- helps support thyroid. Look it up online.

Magnesium- Either MG Citrate or MG malate. Helps with depression, aggitation, compulsion. MG citrate can cause loose stools, so you just cut back the dose until you find the right amount. Or you can have her rub magnesium oil on her skin daily. Magnesium malate doesn't seem to cause the loose stool like MG citrate does.

Cod Liver oil is very effective to create well being and calm moods. One heaping tablespoon a day.

These should all be very safe- they are over the counter vitamins. magnesium oil can be purchased online.

My husband is horrible with money too. If you are going to give her money to pay a bill or something do not give the money to her - go straight to payee. Pay the PGE bill directly or pick up the groceries and bring them to her. If you give her any money she will spend it on the wrong thing and then still complain because a bill isn't paid etc.

I agree with everyone else - try to get social services involved - that is your best bet!

Good Luck!