Help with Mother-in-law

Hi K. - It sounds like you're a smart, compassionate person who's in a tough spot. I have a hard time with similar issues in my life. How do you be generous and loving because you understand a person's situation and feelings, yet not enable or perpetuate their bad behavior?

I would say that you should do your best to always be doing right by your MIL because as your husband's wife she deserves respect. If someone is in the wrong, it should be her, not you, because you can only control your own behavior. Do what you can to be reasonably supportive with regard to her financial state, and to give her time with her grandchild as you would if you had a happy, healthy relationship. But don't let her turn your relationship into a contract! If she loves her son and her grandson, then she will naturally want to be with you all. But don't let her have the upper hand and bargain for your time, *especially* if she requires payment for it!!

Do anything you can to find alternate care for your son so that you never have to rely on your MIL. Her time with him should always be voluntary. If she offers to babysit, then kindly accept it without feeling any need to pay her. It sounds like she has quite a feeling of entitlement - she wants to be cared for without having to work, she wants to be near her son and grandson on her terms, and if you move away then she turns it into you trying to be nasty to her. Sorry to say that in my life I've seen this behavior a lot from people. (My husband is a pastor, so we've been in a lot of counseling situations!)

Take one day at a time, knowing that there is a finite number of days until you are moved away, and that each day completed will not ever come back again. Do your best so that at the end of each of these days you feel good about your behavior and that you made a good example for your little fellow to absorb into his developing personality. I know it's hard to be the one in the sacrificing spot, but sometimes that's what we're called to do. Pray for help!!!

(Hooray for you being so respectful of your husband - it's your half of what makes your marriage work!!)

Frankly, the fact that you are even paying her "quite a bit of money" to help out with her grandson is odd to me. If she is so against you moving, it would probably help if she were to offer help and assistance out of love and compassion.

I agree with the other post that said to hold back on the comments and soon enough you will be gone. If you and your husband are both ready for the move--it will be what's best for you. His mom will have to do what a lot of grandparents do, make arrangements for visits with you all.

She might also be upset because your parents are still together and are willing to be supportive and it's not burdensome for them because they are in a place where it is financially easier.

In the meantime, try super hard to use her "help" as little as possible. You don't need to mention why, just do what you can to avoid needing her at all.

And, I do not think you sound resentful of this woman at all! It sounds like she has taken her own child for granted and perhaps is threatened that he might not support her forever as she might have been thinking. If anything, you've been MUCH more tolerant than myself or most people I know!

Just learn a lesson from her and never place the same stress on your own beautiful boy and his future wife!

Just smile sweetly and don't comment on it. You'll be gone soon enough. Just make sure that you and your husband are on the same page of her NOT living with you in the future. If comments need to be made to her, HE needs to be the one to tell her to keep her mouth shut.

Hi K.,

I can definitely relate to MIL issues? In fact, mine lives really far away. I am grateful for that. LOL Well, in some ways and in others a bit sad. But, God provides grandma type people for Sarah. We generally call or email her and at that communication is somewhat limited. This is because she is a very bitter and angry person.

It sounds like you may have this issue too. I would say, though, and it sounds selfish, but you have to do what is best for your family. If you do what she wants, then you will resent her for that. This has been my experience.

Love her! Sounds simple, but hug her and tell her what a joy she is. Let her know how much you appreciate her. :) She does need attention, we all do to a degree. I will pray for you and your family. Prayer is something that helps me find solutions. It may not happen right away, but it will in time.

You are a great mom and sounds like an awesome wife. I am hard on myself too, so I get thse feelings. Discuss things with your husband. My htoughts are this, The bible say that man must leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife. Please remember that marriage prepares us for a greater marriage when we pass on. Until recently, i thought we stayed married in heaven. It sounds like you ahve a very loving husband who wants to do what is right, but you must all decide a solution that works for everyone. :) Even if that means everyone is not happy right away.

In my opinion yoor MIL is frightened that she will end up alone, of change and probably of many other things. Do what you can to comfort her fears, but know that you can only control you. That is a tough one to swallow. It will work out, just might be a challenge in the process. Hugs to you!

Many Blessings,

K.S.

My best advise is to say nothing. Smile nice and just let it go. My mother in law has hated me from the day I started dating my husband and after 15 years nothing has changed. It has to be your husband to say something and if he can't for one reason or another you just have to let it go and I have found that when I don't pay attention to her when she is making her remarks it is much easier and when there is no reaction from me she usually stops. Mine is very jealous of the reaationship that the kids have with my mom and she brings that up a lot. So since you will be leaving soon enough just let it go, it will be far less stress for you and I agree be on the same page with your husband for in the future regarding her that is a must. Good Luck with everything...

I feel for you. I deal with this kind of thing with my own mom. I just think she is so selfish when she cannot just be happy for the decisions we make for our family, instead of acting out when the affect her. My advice is only to create some distance. Work on your family and its needs. I know you need your MIL's assistance right now. To the extent you can get help elsewhere, try to do so.

I can see you harbor a lot of resentment toward her for other reasons too. Her choices about nice clothes, etc. and her decision not to work a proper job are really not your business. You should ask yourself if you can expect her to support your choices if you don't support hers without passing judgment.

I am not saying your MIL is in the right. She is being extremely selfish. However, moms of sons have a hard time letting go. Try to just put yourself in her shoes once in a while.

IF she was a three year old it would sound like she needs more attention. There are so many ways you could handle this depeding on your personality. I would telling her "It was a really hard choice for us to make and we're going to miss you so much but its what we think is best for us and our son." Remember its not forever. IF your spending alot of money on her as childcare you could just get a nanny for like 10 to 15 an hour.