Help with Marriage Problems

One thing that I found very helpful was a book called "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn. I read it twice and came out with a better understanding of what men need. So, I bought my hubby the book she co-wrote with her hubby called "For Men Only". I think it helped both of us understand why we do things the way we do.

I'm sorry to admit I did not see your previouse post but me and hubby have been here a few times too... try to agree to leave some of the negative stuff at couseling and only bring home the positive things you've learned. Then get back to the basics. Kiss when you get home. Plan grown up movies/ activities after kids are in bed. Cook dinner together, slip a note in his coat pocket reminding him that you'll miss him today. PLan weekend dates and try to get back to enjoying each others company, instead of reliving and rethinking all of the things that have come out at counseling.... otherwise whats the point of counseling... you are there to fix things not point the blame... it won't help if at the end of the day you are both only leaving feeling like failures.

I have a friend who went through something similar and she says the most wonderful thing her husband ever said to her was, "I know things suck now, but in 6 months things will be better." She says it let her know he was in the same boat as her, but was in it for the long haul and had hope for their future together.
Hope this helps. Might also help to bring this up at counceling to come up with ideas for dealing with it.
:) M.

Hang in there! I have been going through a very similiar situation. It is hard. My mother once told me "The first hundred years of marriage are the hardest....anything over that is all down hill" (only 94 more)I think one of the important things to remember is that you and your child are number one. Also, it took time for all of this "junk" to develop, it is going to take time for it to go away. But in the process of "fixing it" you start to develop a new and better way of doing things. It's like starting all over. Go on a first date. It works..but remember it takes time.

Shelley,
We went through, are going through the same thing. We have went to see our therapist like 5 or 6 times and after the first 2 or 3 it was like... my husband thought I was just done even though I was trying to show that wasn't even close to the case. When you bring up the negative because that is what needs to be worked on, I think you can't help but leave feeling really ackward and unsure. I do think that especially after our last apt it is all starting to click in place. We realize that we are coming from two totally different places because we are different people and going to see things differently. I remind him that this is so important to me and that is why we are going through this. I have just also really given him his space. I will not take it personally right now. He is going through some things that he needs to make our relationship better. We have both had to come to terms individually on things that have nothing to do with the other to see how that effects us, in our relationship. I just keep having faith that this will past. It was very hard after our 3rd apt. we didn't have an apt for 2 wks and it was like we barely spoke in between. It was so frustrating. But I think that now I realize that we are going to get there... this is just sorting through what brought us to this point. It is hard. I suggest just trying to give each other some space with the understanding that as time goes on you will need to work on what will work for the two of you to communicate and bring you guys closer. I know it is hard and I suggest you finding someone that you can talk to that can listen when you feel like your husband can't (a female friend or an online support group). If you have only went twice.... give yourself a little more time. Maybe make notes to bring with you to your sessions. Things that concern you and also things that make your marriage important to you. Look for the good so that you can try to balance the bad. Let you husband hear what he has done right, rather then all he is doing wrong.
Hope this helps and hang in there!!
J.

For me, it was really important to give my husband some space and give myself some space as well. I was convinced that whatever happened, we would both be much better people at the end of our work. My husband suddenly didn't know if he wanted to be married to me etc. and it was really hard to go home together at the end of the day. I just tried to be really good to myself and try really hard at my part in counseling and let the rest take care of itself. I did tell my husband many times that I was glad we were doing this and that I would stick with therapy until we both felt like we were past the rocky patch. I'm sure it's even more complicated with your child around. I'm sure your son can feel the tension. It might be good to trade nights caring for your son so the other of you can have some think time or self care time. I also did a lot of remembering the good times we both enjoyed in our relationship and re-telling stories every once in a while. It was helpful to me. Good luck.

If you don't have a church, Find a church and start going together as a family. My husband and I went through a very rough time, and it was actually right as we bought our new house and I moved ahead of him, so we did in a way separate for about a month. DO NOT DO THIS! It creates even more distance and makes it easier to just give up. And you want to avoid that at all costs with a child. We began going back to church together and it is really bonding and brings your relationship into prospective. God is at the center of everything no matter how hard you try.

I don't think what you are going through is uncommon. If you have not already done so, brng this question up at your next session. It is just as important to work on the things that got you to this point as it is to keep a watch on the things going on at this point.
My husband and I went through counseling several years after marriage but before we had a child. There was a brief period where we did live a part but for some of the time, we lived together but in separate rooms. It was a long process that got us to a bad spot in our marriage and it is a long process to get out. It is workable if both parties are willing to be honest and put themselves on the line for the marriage.
I can say today, and often do, that I am grateful for our troubled times because we would never have been as close to each other had we not experienced it. Neither one of us enjoyed the negative times but if you can get to the other side, it can be very rewarding and bring you a relationship you did not have before.
Good luck.
D.

We did counseling 2 separate times within the past 2 years. Both times we just sort of got to a point where there was nothing more to talk about and nothing was really resolved. We then attended a weekend marriage retreat. This was the best thing for our marriage. I would recommend it to anyone. My husband even recommended it to his friends! It just allows you to get away from the day-to-day rush and really take the weekend to focus on your relationship. You don't share in a group setting - everything is between you and your spouse. They give you questions to answer separately and then you come together and share your thoughts on the topic. It really makes you think/discuss many aspects of your relationship that would not normally be brought up. The website for this Marriage Encounter is: http://www.marriages.org.