Help with Husband

Hi C. If you want to get away from him that bad and afraid too, get a restrainting order from the police and see and attorney.

Start putting money away. Give it to a trusted family member. I suggest that you do not open a bank account since he will have access to it if you file your taxes together. Every time you go to the grocery store, get as much cash as you can. Sell anything you can. Collect spare change.
Money does not solve the problem but, feeding your kids and yourself goes along way if you make a break.

Once you are sure that leaving is best for you and your kids (there is research to show that more controlling/abusive husbands tend to get that way with the kids too), make a safety plan for yourself. This includes where you will go, how you will get the money, how many things you need to take, and who, if anyone, will cover for you. Lilac Tree in Evanston offers services to women like you, and could probably offer some more specific advice. Good luck in making the decision about what to do.
J.

My advice, based on my experience, is to always look to myself first for the problem before pointing the finger at the other person.

Think long and hard. Try as best as you can, tell him how you feel, go to counseling together. Especially if you have children. Give it your best so if you do get divorced and you look back you can say you tried and minimize regret. There is a reason you married him.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, but also really proud of you that you are trying to figure out how to get out of it. You deserve better! You might try meeting with someone at a women's shelter to hear their ideas. Definitely make a plan of where you will go, how you will get by. Rally all of your support people. Take control of the situation. You can do it!

This is a tough one. I have a husband that is the same way and he uses the excuse that it's all about my safety. Over the years, it has gotten better, but it is a hard one. For them, I think that it is about trust and knowing that they are first in your life. They matter to you in other words. Sometimes, it is just their personalities and things that they missed as a child and they cling hard to hold on, unfortunately, it creates distance. My suggestion to you because I don't know the whole situation, is to reassure him that you love him, gently set your own boundaries about what's okay and what's not. There will be backlash in the interim as you set boundaries for yourself. I have been there and know. I don't know if you have kids, but that is another dynamic I deal with too. Honestly, the best thing I can tell you is that if you love him and want to stay in the marriage, set your boundaries in a healthy way and stick to them best you can. You need to be healthy for yourself. God Bless

Hi C.,
I know how you feel. I think starting with finding help for yourself is the key, and then you have to decide what happens next.

All the Best

Take steps to build your confidence.
Become aware of your self-talk and use positive statements (affirmations) to uplift yourself.
Let go of the lies you tell yourself, 'I can't do this on my own' etc by replacing with strong statements.
Its about being strong energetically. Think of when 2 dogs are in the same room together, one becomes submissive. Do whatever you can to stay strong and the rest will follow.
You CAN do this.

My situation was similar to Jacqueline's. He was never physically threatening until we were going thru the separation and divorce and I did file a restraining order once when his anger allowed him to throw a plastic tylenol bottle at the back of my head. Did not physically harm me but I let him know I was not going to stand for his garbage anymore at that point. But that was ten years in the making. For someone to say "look at yourself" may be mispeaking....look within for strength is a better phrase. I probably could have gone on and stayed married as some of the women in my family did, but the biggest reason I left was so that my girls (ages 7 and 3 at the time) would not grow up thinking that his verbal barrages were okay. Yes, he did all the mind games "No one else would've married you" "Your job isn't a real job" etc....I still cannot believe I bought into all that especially since my dad is a great guy and my parents are still married after 48 yrs! Anyway, here is the bottom line. Only you can control how you react to what happens to you. After twelve years of being divorced - I run my own business, am going back to school for my Masters and both my daughters excel in their lives and have passions way beyond what I could have imagined at their age. It took years for them to establish a good relationship with their dad -actually took his remarriage to a great woman to calm him down. Take the first steps you need to whatever they may be and become your own person.

Find someone who you can confide in and who may know organizations that can help. Talk to your priest, minister, counselor at work, county health department, or even your doctor. Any of these people can point you in the right direction. Safe Passage is the first that comes to mind. Act quickly especially if you have children. Good luck and know that you are doing the right thing. If he's been abusive you may need to go to the police and see about getting an order of protection against him. God go with you.

i have a controlling jerk husband to! I just try littl things like asking if he wants to go with us to the grocery store, i guess it makes him feel involved even when he says no. I think we are still together just because of our baby, if it wasnt for her we would have given up by now but i want to try and work things out for her. I hope it works out for you and i know how you feel, i cant even go on a short walk without 50 questions!

411 is united way and they can tell you the nearest domestic violence shelter. they have staff and resources and can help you... if its abusive.

you can't change him and you won't make him happy.
only he can do that.

If he is abusive, get out fast. If not, pray for him and you and try counseling. Im sure you dont want to hear that, but its the best place to start. Try praying for him to be the best man he can be and see what happens. If you want it to work, its worth a shot. It cant hurt.

When I was in a previous marriage I dealt with the same thing and woke up one day to wonder where my fun, happy, caring self went? I was an empty shell of my former self and didn't know what to do. The turning point for me was receiving advice from a friend to both of us who said how much do you love him and how much are you willing to put up with? It took me a while, but I did get to my breaking point and ended up packing & leaving in the middle of the night. I did go back and then reached my final breaking point and asked for a divorce. I was suprised the words came out of my mouth, but once they did I felt strong and regained my sense of self back. Only you know your limits. Recognizing the controlling abusive behavior is a start. Now try to understand what you are willing to put up with and know that you have a whole network of friends who are there to support you.