Help with Helping Friends

O. of my dear friends has leukemia.
I set up a care page at www.lotsahelpinghands.com
You (and she) can sign up potential members and keep everyone posted as to that the "needs" are for the day, week, month, etc.
I've done a meal calendar (3x/week) and other requests can be posted as well.
Truthfully, what I have found is that back in November (when she was diagnosed) everyone was gung-ho to rally 'round. and pitch in...now, 6 months later, the verve is fading.
The family still needs help.
Maybe now more than ever, since her salary is diminished.
Really, my thought are of 15 people make a dinner once per month--easy, peasy, right? Wrong. It's the same old tried-and-true group of about 6 of us who cover most of it. Makes me wonder about all of those "what can I dooooooo?" questions I got at her diagnosis.
(Not saying you--but you seem to be O. of the loyal, dependable ones.)

The care page does make it easy for others to pitch in and fill needs for the family though.
Good luck and thanks for being an awesome friend.

As a BC survivor I can tell you that she most likely had many "offers" to help her but you are probably one of the only ones that are actually doing anything for her. Everyone told me when I was diagnosed that they would be happy to help with anything and let them know. The thing is I am just not going to call them to 'let them know' what they can do for me...I just feel too funny doing that. The best people were the ones who just DID. They told me they were coming over with something-meal, groceries, flowers, etc. and then showed up with it. Or they called to take my kids places. The most important thing for me was that the kids not be affected and not have to miss anything because of me. This is what you are doing for your friend and you should know that this is HUGE and that there is a special place in heaven for you. It is impossible for anyone who has not had this kind of health crisis to come close to imagining what it feels like-esp as a mom. The help that you are giving this family is appreciated more than I am sure they can put into words for you right now. That being said-it does take a toll on you and your own family and I don't think your friend would want this for you. What I think you should do is tell her that you are having a little trouble these days juggling everything and that you want to pull some more people into the loop to help her. This is the time to call on the people who said that they would be there for her in the beginning. THen find a couple more people who would be able to help-I bet you there are people who would welcome the opportunity to lend a hand here. Don't be discouraged though if some don't -I was shocked at the friends who dropped off the face of the earth when they found out about me. And also pleasantly shocked at the acquaintances who really stood by me.
You are an amazing woman-your friend is very lucky to have you.

It sounds like their family needs the help. But you cannot be the only one to bare their burden, especially since you have your own family to take care of. Are you all part of a church group or anything, does she not have any of family or friends that can help? It would be good to create some sort of schedule if so, such as Thursday night Karen takes the kids and makes the dinner, Tuesdays the kids are with Marie... make a meal and babysitting calendar. Perhaps even some people who can't physically help, can pitch in to hire a babysitter or house cleaner to come a few days a week.

My father had leukemia and growing up we did have some help, but we mostly endured quietly and alone. But we never relied on one family and we never asked for it unless it was during extremely dire times.

You can say "no", you know...

Hi A.-

Perhaps it is time now to look for more community support...

Are they involved with a church?

Are their other friends of theirs that you can reach out to?

Family?

I applaud you helping them through this crisis...but now may be the time for you to help them draw on others...

Sending healing thoughts!
michele/cat

Does your school have a "helping hands" volunteer? At all three of our schools there is a committee of volunteer moms who organize meals, rides, babysitting, etc. when a family is in crisis, be it from a sickness or any other trauma. I would start there. Call your school and find out.
If there is nothing like that in place then I would simply be honest with your friend. Ask her if there's anyone you can call, another friend, or a family member to help out. I'm sure she will understand, and if she doesn't, well that would be pretty ungrateful on her part :(

Find someone to sub for you. You need a break. I wonder if it's so much as they "expect" it, as they are coming into the understanding that mom might not get better. She isn't dead (they probably were very frightened at first that she was going to die), but now they are looking at a constant state of failed health and a long tunnel, which is very sad at the end.

Maybe the mom will make it through this - I don't know. But go talk to some of their other friends and tell them that you need help with this family. Try that first. Then you can bow out graciously and they will still have help.

You are a sweet woman - but your family is important too.

Dawn

There likely are other friends who would help but if they haven't been called on recently, they likely figure everything's taken care of. I'd send an email to mutual friends/moms they know and say there's a need for more help and make a list for people to sign up for. At least try it... People do offer to help and not follow through but sometimes it's bc they're not really sure what to do. A concrete list may give them an easy entry. And yes, you can say something. If they ask for babysitting, just say you can this week but next week is going to be even busier with - and list things for your FIVE kids... Ask if they've considered hiring a sitter. Say you'd be happy to help them find someone. If they can't afford it, ask if family is coming. If not, suggest social services. Will their insurance help etc. They should get the point you can't do everything.

Start weaning yourself off. Start saying "no" to the smaller requests, start limiting your babysitting time to an hour or 2 a week and 2-3 days a week. If you can, find other people who can fill in - I'm sure they'll be grateful for anyone you trust as long as they don't have to make the effort to make the arrangements.