Help with Getting 19M to Sleep in Own Bed

You are NOT taking away from your baby!!! Your body takes care of the unborn child FIRST. I just went through this and can honestly say there is nothing wrong still nursing. Everyone looses their milk at different times in pregnancy and some not at all. I lost my milk at 20 weeks and my son was completely ready to stop at that point, it became more frusterating for him to try to nurse than not nursing. We had a water bottle by the bed (our bed) and stopped the middle of the night nursings and replaced them with the sippy filled with water every time he woke up. He knew where the sippy was and could get up and get it. I was too tired to nurse him in the middle of the night as you are saying, in the first trimester. It took about 3 nights, I held him and cuddled and he cried but I told him that the milk was all gone at night but he could have some in the morning. Instead, he could have the water if he was thirsty. Then, as I said, by 20 weeks pregnant, I was just out of milk and there was no problem stopping the morning/night feeding becasue he was frusterated with the anticipation of not getting anything.

As far as sleeping, I would say don't do it all at once. Either stop the nursing in the middle of the night first, or put him in his own bed, not both at once. We actually put a twin mattress on the floor of our room and had him there for a while. He knew he could crawl into our bed, but he started out there. I would nurse him in our bed then when he fell asleep, I moved him to his mattress. He ended up waking up and asking me to come lie on his bed instead of him coming into ours. Then, a couple of months before I had the baby, we moved the mattress into his room, made a big deal out of it, and he started sleeping in there. For a couple of nights, I slept down there with him because I fell asleep while he was trying to go to bed and for a transition. It worked out very smoothly.

I do have to add the warning though: when the baby came home, my 2 year old wanted only me to put him to bed and he was waking up a lot again. For the first month she was here, the three of us slept in Evan's room (Evan, myself and the baby). Now, 2.5 months after she was born, Evan is sleeping through the night and the baby and I are back with my husband and she is actually sleeping in the bassinette because she does not like to be touched while she is sleeping, so every child is different, be ready for a twist like that!

Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope my experiences help you!

I feel for you. My first born did not sleep through the night until he was 18 months old, and by then I was pregnant with my second child. I know what a toll it takes on your family to never sleep. Getting him to sleep through the night took a lot of time and hard work. You can do it. And, don't make the same mistakes with your second child. (I've talked to a lot of parents who had a first born who never slept, and the second and third ones did, miraculously, because I think first time parents screw up a lot with the first baby. :) (with no long term ill effects.)

At 19 months, he does not need to nurse at night for nourishment, so he nurses for comfort and that is how he falls asleep if he wakes up. He thinks that is the only way that he can fall asleep. You have to help him learn how to fall back to sleep on his own. He needs a different comfort item that is not you. There are lots of books out there and information on the internet to help with that -- the methods are so diverse, and each kid is so different, that you really will have to experiment and work with him to find a method that works for him and your family. For us, it was setting a tight nightime schedule and having him on a tight schedule during the day. Video, bath, books, fall asleep time. Routine and rituals. Then at night, when he wakes up, you have to be tough. Try not to let him get so wound up that he is getting sick, because then he is so wound up, he can't physically fall asleep. (I've had that happen before, as awful as it is when it happens, there is no damage from the event, more to you then them). I don't think you should be the one going in to comfort him for a while. Or, maybe do a more gradual wean to his own bed, let him sleep in your room for a while, but not your bed, then put him into his own. Whatever you decide, give it a few weeks to work. Changing things up repeatedly to find something that works actually only compounds the problem.

My aunt suggested the "fifteen minute" rule to me. Let them cry and fuss for fifteen minutes before going in to them. That helps you -- you aren't feeling like a tyrant, because you know that you will go in if they are still fussing. With my second child, I learned the difference between a cry that needs immediate attention or he will go into a frenzy that will be difficult to calm him down from, and some general fussing that will pass within the fifteen minutes.

Also at 19 months, he is aware enough and smart enough to know that if he keeps crying, you will give in and nurse him. You've already taught him that. If you don't want to do that, as hard as it may be to actually do, you have to quit nursing him at night. He'll learn that he can cry as long and as hard as he wants, but that it won't matter, because you won't nurse. Tell him that, he may even understand it. (They understand a great deal more than they can say.) You don't have to yell, just tell him and be firm and STICK TO IT. You have to stick to things with kids, I tell my husband that once they become aware, you are in a little war for control, and if you don't want the kid to be in control, you need to set the ground rules and STICK TO THEM. It truly only takes once of giving in for them to think that it will happen again. And my aunt reminds me that it is easier to set control now then to try and regain control after they hit puberty. When they are older, they can get into so much more trouble, so you need to set the tone early on. Who is the parent, who is the child, what do you want?

With my second, I had a much better sleeper, but he was rough at first, never wanted to be put down. I HATE sleeping with my kids, but I slept with him for a few months. What I did when he started to get into a schedule, was put him to bed after the last feeding at the end of the day, when they sleep heavier and it is easier to put them into the crib. Then, when he woke up to nurse in the middle of the night, I would take him into bed to nurse and let him fall asleep with me. Eventually, he was sleeping longer and longer through the night, until he was sleeping the whole night in his crib. That way, he got what he needed (wanted) for sleeping with me, but it was a gradual transition to sleeping into his own bed. That worked great for that one, no fussing.

Once you let them into your bed, it is very very difficult to get them out. Good luck, you can do it.

Hello J., i have 3 of my own, so let me just tell you that your body is not going to keep producing enough for your son for much longer. Whatever you're giving him is taking away from your baby inside you, & its taking away from you. Try to stop breastfeeding all together, as soon as you can. My boys are 11 mths apart, & i had to stop. I know how it feels, but it's time. And if he's 19 mths, you've done your job sweetie! Maybe if he starts to realize that he will not be able to nurse, he'll be satisfied with a cup before bedtime. Good luck!

Hi there!

Thank you for asking this question. You and I share philosophies, and i'm nervous about getting pregnant before my son (15 months) is weaned. I look forward to more advice. :o)

Not that i've been there, but everything I've read indicates that there should be no problem tandem nursing; your body is designed to do so (two boobs, nu?) and it knows how to produce the appropriate nutrients for both children. I've also read that toddlers sometimes wean themselves when the mother is pregnant because the taste of the colostrum is unfamiliar and undesirable. A pro and con. Book knowledge isn't everything, but sometimes it's valuable.

Good luck with it! I would try the second bed in the same room. Let us know what you choose and how it goes!

I tandem nursed my last two babes for a year. You can, too, as long as you keep up your calorie intake and take your vitamins. There is NO reason to wean unless you start to see it take a toll on your health.
When we had two babies that close together, we bought a California King sized bed and turned it on it's side. All four of us slept together until the older one turned 3yo and was transitioned into his own bed. Those who do not "do" attachment parenting will tell you all kinds of things to get you to separate from your babies before they are ready. Just remember there are all kinds of ways to adjust to these situations without using CIO or forcing them to do things before they are ready.
I did nightwean all my kids around 18-19mo old, though. I suggest you keep trying to do that, as it will make your nights (and your older child's) much easier. We offered water and no mama. Dh learned how to calm a toddler and I got to sleep on the couch for a few nights. I did it to prepare them for being away from me at night in case something happened or in preparation for an upcoming birth of a sibling.

Good luck. Feel free to message me here if you have any more questions about our sleeping arrangements during those years. I had four kids in 7 1/2 years, so there was atleast one in the bed for about 10 years lol.

I recommend the book "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr. Sears. In this book, he recommends transitioning your child to a mattress on your floor, and then eventually to their own room. You could nurse him on the mattress, and then climb back up into your bed. Hope this helps!
By the way, I disagree with the advice to "stop nursing". It's not the nursing that is the problem. Also, as another response said, tandem nursing is completely possible, whether you decide to do that or not.

J.,
Hm. Where do I start... I've tried tons of things with my oldest son. With him I noticed every time there was a transition in his life it would transpire in his wanting to sleep in our bed. To begin with you might want to try get him out of your bed, but in the same room. They sell character sofa/bed usually in the toy section in stores. It looks like a miniature loveseat style and when you unfold it's a sleeping area. I think they range from $20-$25. Making sure he can see you and letting him know you are there. Eventually you can transition him into his room with the sofa/bed. Rewarding him for sleeping on his own bed with stickers/snacks... A tactic I finally did when the 2nd son arrived was to allow him to sleep in the same room. He is the big brother and little brother needs his company.
I think the nursing part may be making it difficult since he still wakes up for feedings. How long are you planning on nursing him since you have another on the way? Do you plan on nursing them both once the second arrives? I know there is no magic age to stop nursing, but rather a personal preference. If you were planning on only nursing one weaning him before the baby is born may be a good idea. Otherwise he might resent that the baby is nursing and he is not.
Good-luck and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

J.,
Have you tried quietly lying beside his crib/bed til he falls asleep? If you know it will take him a long time, maybe put him to bed earlier to compensate for the "falling asleep" time. I didn't nurse, but I remember it being a HUGE issue when my son stopped "falling asleep" on the bottle & had to learn to put himself to sleep. I would make sure he was sleepY but not sleepING when I put him down. Good luck.

Congratulations on your newest addition. Now, all I can say is to do what I did, which was once my son fell back asleep I would put him back into his own bed and then in the morning make a big deal about him being in his own bed. But my son was NOT still waking up several times during the night, and that is going to make ths harder for you. I think that hteir are people on my baby board that can help you. Go to babycenter.com and ask your question in the January 2008 birth board.

HTH

H.

Hi J.,

Kudos to you on nursing your son for so long! That is great!! My son is 2.5 and still nursing. We coslept until he was 11-12 months and he was too squirmy. At 19 months the transition should be easier because he can understand better. You can try getting him a toddler bed and making the transition exciting for him. You can also start by transitioning his naps first and then night time. For the night nursing, I have a lot of friends who have had luck by telling their toddlers that the nurses (or whatever you call your breasts) are sleeping. So after the last nighttime nursing - tell him that it is time for your milk to go to sleep and have him say "night night" to them. And then if he wakes up tell him they are sleeping so he can nurse in the morning when they wake up.

We had good luck with Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution to get our son back into his own bed. You can go sleep in his room instead of bringing him into your room too. That will be a good transition.

Good luck! And congrats on your pregnancy!

J.

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Congratulations on your on the way baby!
I nursed my first until he was 27 months and am now nursing our 11 week old (nursing while pregnant until my nipples were too sore to continue- but that was just me).
Our son would not sleep on his own until we got him a "bigger" bed. We tried a toddler bed and I think he was used to having more room in our king size bed and ended up banging his arms or legs on the edges of the toddler bed and woke himself up.
We also night weaned about 3 months before trying to transition him (I nursed him and then my husband put him down and our son slept on his side instead of my side). Because we was older, we also told him that mommy milk was only for daytime now (it was closed).
Also, the full size bed is nice because then one of you can comfortably sleep in his room if he needs someone!
Good luck

We slept with my (Now 3) son and he still woke to nurse 3-4 times a night until he was nearly 2 1/2. I was also losing my mind from not sleeping (and not even pregnant again!). When we put him into his own big bed we put a double bed in the room for him, painted the room nicely with clouds and things and let him choose a pirate bedcover. We told him about what a big boy he is and how good it is to sleep in a big boy room. He was worried the first couple of nights and did not want to sleep without both Mum and Dad. Now he goes to sleep (still nurses to sleep!) in his own big bed and he only wakes once in the night and we've even had a few nights when he didn't wake until 6am! The calmer I am about the whole thing the better it is but if we have a bad night or a few in a row it's hard for me to be calm about not sleeping and then it's harder for him to get to sleep. A friendly dolly or teddy helps. And he came up with a story about the friendly 'aliens' (streetlights behind the trees) who look after him when it is dark so nothing can worry him - that seems to help, too. He looks out the window before he settles in and make sure his aliens are there to look after him.
A friend of mine made a spray bottle with lavender oil and water and sprayed around her daughter's bed with sleepy fairy spray to help with sleeping.
hope that helps

Although it will be difficult, you must stop nursing your 19m old. Your new baby needs all of his/her nutrients. Otherwise, not too sure how to get the 19m out of your bed. Sometimes, it just takes a little tough love. Good luck with that. Maybe when you stop nursing, that will help.