Help with Four Year Old Not Lisening

At 4 a chore chart and some sort of reward system is appropriate. This is the perfect time to start an allowance for chores too.

Great free custom chore chart:
http://www.dltk-cards.com/chart/

You two can pick the character, color, chores etc...

I bought my 4 year-old daughter a feather duster and have her help with dusting. She loves it.

I do think they still need coaching from 4-6 years. It is worth the effort now to get them into the habit of cleaning up after themselves. It only gets worse in the teenage years.

If you don't want to remove all of their toys, pack them into different tubs and only let them have one tub at a time. When those toys are cleaned up, they can have a different tub. Good luck.

I have a 5 year old son & I had the same problem. I ask my son to help me clean the room with me at first. Take my time with him to show him where things should go. Make it like a game. Then I explained to him that we could be playing a game or doing some thing fun. I then told him that if he picked up his room by himself next time then he could pick some thing fun for him & I to do when it was done. It took some time but when he did it I made a big deal of it & let him think of fun things to do next so he would know what he was getting if he helped out. I hope that helps....

S.-
I feel your pain I have a 4 year old also. I really think that it is their age and just testing on how far they can go. This is what is working with me...I say we are leaving in 30 min and if your room is clean then you can go.
I know that this might be harder for you since you are a single mom. But you have to make time to do something special for your daughter. Or make it a game go and help her and see how fast you can get it done together. I know it won't be fun for you, but if she sees that she can get some special time with you then it will be worth it. Summer is coming up...If your room is clean for 4 out of the 7 days I will take you to the pool. Have her start being your helper. It will make her feel special if you make it seem like you cant get things done without her help. You can't find the milk in the fridge can she? Or silly things like that. Honestly if you start to include her in the everyday things it will help you become closer and it will make her want to be a good girl for you!!

S.,

Is it possible that the task of cleaning the room seems overwhelming for your daughter? I have found that with my son, who is 5, I still have to "direct" his cleaning and picking up. For instance, I tell him to put all of his Star Wars toys in the red bin, the cars in the blue bin, etc. I am constantly harping on him to put a specific toy up as soon as he is done with it. I hope that he is starting to see the benefit of a clean room, but it is a struggle! With his chores, I have to be direct and specific as well. I tell him to dust all wood he sees with the dust cloth, but not to clean glass, to pick up all objects and dust under them, etc. Just some ideas. Good luck!

I was having the same problem with my kids (ages 6 and 4) so I bought small tubs and sorted each type of toy in a different tub. I then put all the tubs in the top of the closet and they don't get to have them down unless I get them. And then they are limited to having one at a time. I also tell them that when they go to bed at night I am going to clean their room and anything that I need to clean up goes in the garbage (however I have never followed through with this one). It seems to make them think harder about leaving their toys out. I hope this is helpful.

Unfortunately I can't offer advice on this subject but find it's an excellent question as I have a 4 year old daughter as well and her room is always destroyed and I am so tired of asking her to pick it up - so if anyone has any suggestions I would like to hear them as well.

Hey S.
I have a four year old girl as well. And getting her to clean her room can also be a battle sometimes. I find it to be a little easier if I give a one area to clean up at a time or a specific thing. Like clean up your dress up and put them in the box. Giving her small tasks to accomplish are easier for her to grasp. And if she is really not into it. I say if you clean up this, I'll clean up this. We can work together and it will be fun. Then I put on some fun music and it usually only takes 5 or 10 min. After you guys are done reward her with you guys sitting down together with a glass of lemonade or something! I hope this helps! B.

This is what I did to help my kids keep their rooms clean. I made a list of what needs to be done. The list is taped to the wall in their rooms. There's also a check list for each chore. They get an allowence each month. If their lists aren't ckecked of it's 25 cents off the total allowence.

I know your child is littler than my boys so you may have to modify it for her. I make the kids pick up all their toys before they go to bed. It's been almost two months and their rooms are still clean. It's just a matter of training them to pick up everyday and make it become a habit that they always do. You have to clean the room first and then there must be a place for everything and everthing in its place. Once it's clean she may be more willing to clean up after herself. She's not doing this on purpose. She probably feels overwhelmed, if the room is really messy.

It takes patience and consistancy. Good Luck!!!

I think it works both ways on the spending time with each other. If she is cleaning her room or if you have to then there is no time for each other. Growing up my mother never allowed toys OUT of the bedroom. I should have stuck with that! One day my mother got fed up with me taking hours to clean my room so she took a trash bag and picked up everything off the floor. I then had to bring it UP from the garage piece by piece! (I was lucky my brother's stuff went out the window!)

I haven't done this but I have taken a garbage bag and cleaned up while they sat in the living room. I then went through the bag while they weren't there and got rid of the toys they didn't play with, so toys disappeared but nothing I had to replace. (Who has that kind of money to throw toys out?) I've also taken away toys and not just one. Once I got fed up and took away three train sets! The next day I took away VSmile. Once they realized the toys weren't coming back until the room was clean...it got cleaned. Oh, I also threatened to not let them eat til it was cleaned. They cleaned it in five minutes and it was the best I have ever seen!

I had a friend with an older child who punished her son when he consistantly did things wrong and ended up taking away virtually everything. It did not work at all. My thought is, if you've consistantly tried one thing and it does not work, try something else. My friend layed out a a rewards system for her son. If he did something right, he was promised a reward. If he did something right several days in a row, he got a bigger reward. He was VERY excited about this and started doing a good job. His mom praised him for every little thing, which she said was a huge relief from scolding him every day. They got along better, his attitude improved, and pretty soon good behavior was the norm - no more nagging or punishments needed (most of the time). I know it sounds like bribing them to do something they should do anyway, but always keep the final goal in mind. I want my child to be well behaved, neat and clean, and to do it because she wants to, not because I'm constantly on her. My personal thought is that a good attitude and a good relationship are necessary to accomplish that. Whatever you have to do to turn the attitude around is a necessary first step. We used to nag our 3 yr old to pick up the living room, now we give him a coin when he's done. There's no whining, no complaining.

Whatever you do, do not pick up all the stuff for her. This teaches her that it doesn't matter what she does (she doesn't have to be responsible for her actions), you'll pick up after her. I think your best bet is positive reinforcement. Create a star chart for every day of the week. Be consistent about setting aside some time every day for her to pick up (make sure that you've spent enough time showing her the proper way first). Then, for every time she does do it give her a sticker on her chart and build up to something she enjoys each week like going out for ice cream, going to the park, letting her pick out her own movie at the movie rental store, etc. Be reasonable. She probably won't get one every day so you may have to have 5 out of 7 days and if she gets 7 there's a bonus or something like that. Teaching children takes a lot of patience, consistency and TIME. Make sure you are following through and she probably will too. Good luck!

Hi S.,
We had that problem too, we also (on the adivce of my mother)took everything out of our daughters room except the bed and dresser. She SLOWLY earned everything back. worked like a charm! she now makes her bed every morning! as for needing more attention? you are the only one that can tell that as you are the one with her. hope something works for you!

My daughter is only 3 1/2, but I find her attention span to stay on task is far too short to do it alone. At the end of every day, we'll go in there together and I will give her a specific instruction for a specific task, once that is completed, I give her another (and I help). It honestly takes 5-10 minutes and with me there she stays focused. As a result, I know everything is put in it's place and she isn't stashing toys somewhere for me to find later :) I also check on her when she's playing in her room to make sure she's picking up the old toys before getting out a new one.

Good luck!

How about cleaning the room together. You asign her two or three tasks and tell her she can do those while you do something else. That way the room gets clean, you get to spend time together, and you are teaching her how to clean up, and you are not doing it all by yourself.

My kids are 4 & 2, and to tell them to just clean up their room or the living of their toys, they will get started but then get distracted unless I help do it with them. I think that's to good part, because they see you modeling good pick up habits and while you're not playing with them per se, you are playing at pick up.

My husband's family followed the philosphy of if it's their room they could keep it however, but if it began interfering with other rooms or daily maintenance chores, then the garbage scoop came in. Thus, his room was always a pit, and in college, holy cow, it was like walking thru a see of clothes. Not recommending that, but if they can't find something important long enough they may get tired of the mess.

I guess I'd first define if she has a problem keeping it picked up because she has just way too much stuff to start with. My kids have their books, a kitchen, Thomas trains (mostly cars), and a couple dollies; thus, they can't get very much out to begin with. Some of their favorite toys are everyday items that we "manufacture" from around the house and usually last a day. For instance, empty paper towel tube can be a telescope, a baton/wand, a microphone, a cane...add to that a small towel or dish towl tied as a cape or head scarf, or skirt and you can have the most dramatic play. Try a writing tablet and pen you've got office, shopping, grocery store, mail, drawing, etc.

Bottom line, if you just do it for her it doesn't teach her how. Incorporate her, maybe as part of getting ready for bed. Have easy to store places. Limit the amount of stuff.

Hi S., I am an older mom we did not adopt our son until I was 36. This is just my thought kids should do chores at four she should be able to pick up her toys. Ask her to do whatever chore you would like for her to do. If she does reward her always reward good behavior. If she doesnt begin in 4 min increments and take away something she really likes 4 min. of playing with best friend tv whatever. It will take a few times for her to understand but be consistant. Consistant consistant consistant is the answer. Trust me it works it took me a long time a counselor to get it right. Sometime it still is tough. We all want to have a clean house but relax. It it dosent get done to day it will another. Spend all the time you can with her now. It wont be long before you wish you had those days back trust me I have a 25 year old also. Good luck. If you need to talk sometime feel free to e-mail me Have a great day K.

S.,

Some of it may be for attention but, I believe most of it is her age. You will have to go in and help her clean her room. Then once everything has it's place label it with a picture and the word. It may take a little practice but, she will get the hang of it. I understand the time constraint but, that is part of being a parent. I have six kids and I feel that I will never get things cleaned and organized but, take baby steps and starting now will encourage tidiness part of everyday life.

Good luck.
A.

My response is she is only four -- she is still so little, let her be little - have a messy room, make it time together in her room cleaning up -- my little girl is almost 3 and her room gets messy so fast and each night we listen to music, hang out in her room - while I clean up -- she is pitching in a little now because she is seeing what I am doing -- and we just spend time together.

S.-
As a sigle mom of 2 boys, I hear ya! Here are a few suggestions you might want to try. Limit her toys. Put them on a rotating schedule. You might also make cleaning her room a race, against herself. At 4, she can't really pick up her room without direction, she doesn't have the necessary skills yet. If you keep track of her time with a stop watch, and mark it in a notebook, such as clothes picked up in 2 minutes, toys picked up in 5 minutes, you can challenge her to beat her previous time, and take her out for a reward or have a treat at home, when it's done!

I have that same problem with my son. It seems that the main thing that he wants is the attention. It does not matter what kind your giving to them. He knows if he does not do what I tell him he is going to get into trouble. He loves to spend time with me.

I hope i dont offend you, but i think taking everything out of her room is too strict, expessially for a 4 yr old. i think asking a 4 yr old to have a clean room at all times is too big of an expectation. I suggest making sure that her room is set up in a way to make it easier for her to clean. do you have a clothes hamper for her to put dirties in? something as simple as a laundry basket or something with out a lid makes it easier. is there a toy box or some type of toy storage in the room. Things that are not complicated like laundry baskets would make it easy for her to clean up. i tried small baskets on shelves, baskets that were the size of organizing in my sons room, and this was too hard to keeep up. now he has large tubs that he can quickly put toys in and it has worked wonders.

I don't think it's unrealistic for a four-year-old to pick up her toys, smooth out a bedspread, fluff her own pillows, but I think it's unrealistic to expect her to keep it sparkling clean at all times. I don't know what your version of a "clean" room is, but every once in a while she's going to need some help. At the very least, simple one or two-part verbal instructions will guide her. For example start with, "First find all of your books and put them on that shelf." Once she finishes that task, "Okay now find as many stuffed animals as you can and put them in this basket." And so on.

It's hard to juggle ... I know. I'm married to a very helpful man, and I still feel overwhelmed with domestic responsibilities, so I understand what you mean when you say that you don't feel like you have time to constantly clean up after your daughter. My philosophy is that the housework is patient ... it will wait for you. Spending time with family, or writing that paper for school is more important that making sure everything looks like a magazine picture every day. Relax. Let the dishes sit one evening, and just play. You can do them in the morning ... or the next evening. Either way, the universe will not spin out of control.