Help with Daugher

The best way to increase a teens self-esteem is to make her feel loved, cherished, and special at home. I know it may seem like you are already doing that, but she may need more. When she feels like gold at home, she won't care what the rest of the world thinks. Try doing things together, give her responsibilities at home and be truly appreciative of her help. Try volunteering somewhere together so she can learn that the world is bigger than her problems. You may also need to speak with her doctor about possible depression.

R. S,
Your daughter is now a young Adult. As is my sister who went through a simmular phase. School was hard, then job corps was fun, and more than a year after high shcool, no motivation, no purpose. I (self proclaimed family matriark) had enough and found my self where you are now. Then I remembered how i got started in society at that age with a new baby. I droped my sister off at the local Work Source office with a bus pass, and informed her she would leave the house when I do in the morning everyday. She had a job 2 days later in the field she had studdied for and is loving it.
You dont have to know alot of things if you know alot of people.

I had this problem with my son......I felt sorry for him and the end result was it made it to easy for him to feel sorry for himself. When I finally got fed up......it was get a job and pay your expenses or get out. It was a very hard thing to do but it worked.....he bitched and complained, then got a job. None of his friends would let him live with them for free and neither would mom and dad.....he really didn't have any choice. One thing you need to remember when giving adult children a home is to stress that your house is a LAUNCH pad not a CRASH pad......if they want to better themseleves my door is always open. I will even listen to the complaints and moans......but if that is all you want to do then I'm sorry its time to move on.
Hope this helps....remember that tuff love is TUFF but its also very effective, especially with grown children.
HUGS!

I never fit in, and didn't have many friends as a teen. It was akward for sure. The thing that really broke me out of my shell was a little bit of college and a job. Being forced to interact with people changed me. Your daughter is 18, she is going to HAVE to get a job or do something one of these days. I would just keep talking to her about it and be really supportive, she'll get there.

Encourage her to pursue her interests and do what she likes to do. She will meet other people with similar interests that way. (not just "get a job", but "do what you love to do")

R.,
I just finished a great book called Reviving Ophelia saving the selves of adolescent girls by Mary Pipher,Ph.d.
she has some very insightful ideas for all kinds of issues. I highly recomend it. I hope it is as helpful to you as I'm hoping it will be for me. Some really good jobs that may not pay a lot but may start her feeling good about herself are vollunteering at the shelter or food bank. It may take the focus off of her and onto helping others. Good luck.
S. mother of three girls

Is she in a depression? Does she have the skills to do an interview and resume? How does she feel about her future?
My mom taught me very young how to deal with the public (very different than fitting in). Is there anyone she respects that has their own buisness and could teach her? Even if she doesn't fit in she can learn to smile, greet, assist, and move on to the next person. She will also need to learn to talk about herself as though she is someone else to get through an interview. There are jobs out there where she shouldn't fit in (inventory control, collections agent, ect) but she will have to learn to qualify for the job and impress her boss. I don't have a big social network and never fit in in school, but my customers like me and look for me (of course they just know I do a good job, I make sure to never talk about me!).
I also was on the recieving end of tough love. While I always had a job my problem was the house rules. Tough love works and if that is the only option stick to yor guns!

i have no advice but i wanted to say good luck. i know myself that it is hard to find yourself sometimes, expecially in a group. i still have extreme shyness sometimes. i believe that one day she will realize that all of the high school and youthful drama doesnt have to be apart of her life. when she does, she wont care what people say.

Hi:)

Is your daughter going to be going to college?Because I was going to say that if not,I think some community colleges have programs like work force training.
And also, Maybe try your local department of heath and welfare,and have her check into the vocational rehabilitation program.They can help you get training for a job,and maybe help with some kind of counciling.
Just a thought&I hope it helps:)

A.

There is a lot of pressure on young girls to want to fit in, and look a certain way. Praise her for her differences. And encourage and love her. Ask her how she feels and what things she may be struggling with. She might be really hurting and just wants someone to notice her and be loved by them. It is best if this type of love and affection comes from both the mom and the dad, and not from her peers. I hope this encourages both of you to really take some time together, and show her the value of working diligently and well by your own actions also. She also may need encouragement that you are not just trying to push her away and get out of the house, but that she is valued in your home and is a vital part to the functioning of the family.

Lots that could be said, but just really spending some time with her and allowing her to talk. Try not to be judgemental or always have all the answers, but let her speak too. Then, help her find the job, give her some rides around town and ask her if she has any questions about filling out an application, or if she is afraid of an interview etc.

Don't think that you are talking too much, I really would have appreciated some counsel at this age, and she really may be dealing with some things in her heart that need to be discussed and addressed properly.

:)

By the way, let her know that she is beautiful. From both you and her dad. Whether or not her hair is brushed or she is all tidy up, just to hear those words can make a difference for any woman. :)

My son is also 18, he don't make friends easy, Once he does he is outgoing with them. I had the same problem telling him to get a job all the time. I went and bought a car I brought it homelet him drive it and asked him if he liked it and told him if he wants to keep it he has 4 weeks to find a job and start making payments on the car and his insurance or car is being sold.
He got a job.

Hi R..
Does your daughter like animals? My sister is a vet and hires young adults that don't always fit in with others.
They work hard, and they get the unconditional love from animals that they may be missing from their peers. They also get used to working around other people, and begin to build a more positive image of themselfs. Just a thought

My main thought was reminding her that everyone has different talents and she just needs to find out what those talents are, and try to get a job that has something to do with those talents.

It also does not hurt to try different easy jobs just to start off. At 18 the world is at your feet and your options are many. Just like the song- "put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking across the floor."

j

I have had the same problem with my 17-year-old daughter. What has turned things around for her was enrolling her in a martial arts class. After careful evaluation of the various schools in our area, we found one that was very nurturing and pro-excellence in all aspects of life. The difference is like night and day: she has more self-confidence, better grades (you cannot advance to the next level if you have below a "B" average), and although she does not yet have a job, she is now out applying for one. I have also begun to withold money for "extras", i.e. if she wants to go out to a movie with friends, I ask her how she plans to pay for it. Good luck!

It sounds like your daughter has low self esteem and may be depressed. If she has had trouble with this for awhile, she may need to talk to a doctor about her mood. She needs a lot of positive comments to boost her feelings about herself. Give her a job to do that maybe lasts for a few days. In the end when you pay her, tell her what a great job she did. She may feel like she can't do anything well. Find something that she does do well in and praise it up. My son, on the other hand, was also lazy. At 24, we finally said, go back to school or pay rent here. He went back to school, but if he didn't, he would have been forced to support himself.
She is still young, but find give her some expenses and let her see how the real world is lives.

R.,

Start with a trip to the doctor to see if your daughter has a diagnosable illness or disorder that could be holding her back.

If that's the case, get her treatment. Support her in her endeavor to launch.

At the same time, make it clear to her that adults in this world pay their own way. They must be productive to the best of their ability in order to reap the benefits of living in society.

Stress to her how much better she will feel about herself when she is providing for herself and dare we say, others!

At this point, you need to convince her that YOUR basic goals for her are HER goals, and that she is able to achieve them, and more. And at 18, the consequences of not working to achieve the basic goals of independence will be coming down hard and fast.

You've got an opportunity to teach her in the secure environment of your home, that age old lesson: "Those who don't work, don't eat."

Best of luck to you,

D. T

R., what might be of best interest right now would be to give your daughter something that she has a passion about. For example, scrapbooking. Then be able to show her the expenses, and possibly taking that passion, of something she feels good about and does good about and show her that there is others out there that love and do the same thing too. 18 is a hard age with todays society to teach them that looks are everything when they are not. Once you've found something that she is good at, then she can start looking at jobs.

Well R.,
If she is having that much of a problem socialing she may need to see someone, a counselor, minister or just someone who will sit and listen that isn't family. Unfortunately, she is at the age where she is about to step into adulthood and people these days can careless about her issues with "fitting in". Eventually she is going to be in a position where she has to take care of herself so my suggestion is if she likes to read invest in her some "confidence and self esteem books". Hopefully she will learn to motivate herself and love the person she is....good luck to your daughter.