Help with After School Discipline

I can offer some advise of getting help for sleep, but I may sound a bit like a commercial though! LOL I take "Lunesta". It doesn't drop you too soon, takes about 15-20 min. to start feeling it, but doesn't lose it's effect either, if something requiring your attention with the kids comes up. It is non-narcotic and doesn't become habit-forming if you need to use it often. I don't wake up groggy and if I awake during the night, I can always go back to sleep without taking more. It's even safe enough to take 2 instead of 1 if you need to! Good luck! Ask your Dr. about it, it is a prescription.

Hi A.,

Wow, they are so young to pull this stunt. You have done the right thing. May I ask is there bus service to yur house frm the school? If so make them ride it. Also, let the bus driver know that they are not to get off the bus anywhere except home.

My other idea, is that if taking favorite things away isn't working, then I woudld suggest (and this does work) to call your police department, and ask if they could send one of their officers over for a little chit chat. (Believe me they do not mind) They would rather do that than have to have you file a missing child report.

Please let me know what worked!
God Bless,
C.

p.s. I t also is not to early to get them involved in a youth group through your church on Sundays. If you don't have one Southeast Christian Church is siimply wonderful with kids!

Hi A.,

You might start by asking them why they are doing this,(maybe they are trying to avoid a bullying, or think somebody is following them, so they go to the closes friends house to escape). Talk to the teachers at school, and see if you kids have said anything to them. Another thing to try is to talk to parent, babysitter, or whoever is in charge at the friends house if they know anything and ask them to call you when they show up, or have that person tell the kids to go home because their kids have to get their homework, and chores done. Speaking of homework and chores, tell your kids that they need to get their stuff done before playing with friends or TV, then don't let them have any TV, (they need more than taking only one favorite toy away). If all else fails (after a few days) put the others kids in the stroller or car and go get them, bring them home and tell them they get no TV or playing with friend for as long as it takes, not just a week. If they are being little angels at school and you and dad are the only ones having the problem with them not listening to you, then it is your, and dads discipline, and you need to lay down the law with them. If you don't get control of them now, at this age, you are only going to have major problem as they get older, (as in taking the car, and being gone for days) They need to have boundaries and they need to know there is a price to pay for bad behavior and not listening.

I feel I don’t have much advise on your children either, wow, that would be so hard for me to deal with, children can have such minds of there own, One thing I do like to share with moms is that I am a love and logic parent, I don’t know if you've heard of love and logic but its a parenting technique where it teaches kids to experience natural consequences based on the decision they make and the parent gets to give lots of empathy, it is taught in schools to parents and teachers, most schools I've heard of practice love and logics in the class room. They love it when I tell them I'm a love and logic parent, then they know how I operate and we can work to find a solution together. Anyhow If your interested in it, you can check out the parents web site http://www.loveandlogic.com/parents.html
I'd say as a love and logic suggestion is to start out giving lots of empathy to them for making the decision to come home late with out calling you first, "ohhhh, that is soo sad you didn’t come home or call, I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now, I'm busy cooking dinner, try not to worry about it" then that can give the kids the chance to do the thinking, (oh no, what is she going to do) or maybe they wont think about it, that’s ok too, then (what I like to do is create an opportunity to go out for something fun, then when its time to go, "mom-mom its time to go get ice-cream!" then do the "Ohhhhh" again, (kids) What? (Parent) "Ohhh that is so sad" (kids) "What?" (Parent)"Ohhhh, this is Just so sad" (kids) "What!" (Parent) "I was just thinking I'm so tired from worrying about you after school today, I don’t have the energy to take you to Ice cream, I need my rest" (don't ever say your sorry, that sets up an argument “NO YOUR NOT”, just stick to “that’s so sad”
Or
"I had to spend the Ice cream money on gas for the car so I could look for you guys after school today, I'm out of money"
Or this one works for a lot of things,
You can stop doing extras for them, like I stopped giving my son rides to his friends house, letting him use my cell phone, etc. and said "I will be happy to continue doing the things I've been doing for you when I feel respected"
The trick is while you really can’t control them, you can control your self and what you will and will not do for them.
The thing I love about the Love and logics is now the kids cant focus on how your being mean to them or how you lectured them, because your not, they can only be mad at them selves and the decisions they made. If they start to argue, you NEVER argue back, Instead you go brain dead, But Mom, I didn’t Know "I know" Everyone else’s mom..... "I know" I hate you… "I know" If you love me..... " I know" You Hate Me… "Nice try” I’ll never do it again, I promise… "I know" (and for extra sympathy, say) "I know, It’s hard" (the trick, always have an even, mellow tone to your voice, don't get worked up or you give them control).
You can listen to a great example story Click here to play or paste http://www.loveandlogic.com/audioclips.html in your web browser
Ok. I've gone on enough about the topic, I just love it so much because there is so much love in my home now, so much less tension, anger and frustration, and my son is doing things on his own with out me having to remind him, I actually pray he fails at things I know he can do so he can learn the consequence while the price tag is still small, when he grows up and if he hasn’t learned to make good decisions yet, It can be a huge price tag and even his life, I even quit reminding him to brush his teeth, and when he got a couple cavities, I had him pay the bill, he was shocked, I used the “I know, Its hard, But you can do it, I believe in you” I gave him the option of a payment plan with interest, and this month, he makes his last payment to me, but guess what, HE NEVER forgets to brush his teeth now. And he feels so good about him self because he knows I trust him and he knows he has what it takes to do it. (I also love the love and logic approach with allowances, you can e-mail me and I’ll tell you more if you’re interested)

And for extra help if you don’t like taking any kind of prescription drug, I love Melatonin.
Melatonin is a natural sleep aid you find in the vitamin section at the store, your body naturally produces it when the sun goes down, but the melatonin doesn’t make me go to sleep, it just lets me make that transaction when I lay down, just a little boost, and if I take one and something happens where I cant go to bed, It doesn’t make me drowsy, I can totally stay awake and the next day there is NO side effects.

Wow, there must be something in our Utah air. I have this same problem with my two boys that are 7 & 9. They have always been really good up until the past month. They are very slow walkers to begin with so school lets out at 2:30 and they usually don't get home until about 3:00. Our school is only three blocks away. The other night my 9 year old didn't come home at all and they know that the rules are come straight home from school and then you can play after you have done the things you need to. I was furious and scared at the same time. I went to all his friends houses, and he wasn't at any of them. Our rule is when you play with friends your home by 5:30 because it starts to get dark then. We finally found him at about 6:10 that night and oh boy, was he in trouble or what. He lost alot of privlages and had a sleepover planned for the weekend that he had to cancel. I have found that when I tell my kids before they go to school that they can't play after school that day because we need to do things at home or go someplace, they take there sweet time. Especially if they are together. If I tell them to hurry home and check in after school so you have more time to play, then they usually are pretty good. If you find something else that works, let me know. Thanks

I don't have a lot of advice, since I don't have children of that age yet, but I would notify ALL of the friends' parents that your children are not allowed to come over after school and that they are to come directly home. Request an immediate phone call from the parents if your kids show up there. Involve other parents to help you out! If the other parents hear their kids talking about going somewhere with your kids after school, request notification. It takes a village, they say.

Or try a scare tactic. I don't know if you are married or living with someone, but one day, say Mommy should be home around a certain time, and then be late. Maybe VERY late. Have your spouse bring up possibilities as to what could have happened to Mommy- an accident, she got lost- and make the kids worry about YOU a little bit and see if that doesn't scare them into being a little more responsible and considerate.

Read the book, "Love and Logic!" There is one for children ages 6-10 (I believe. I can't remember exactly what the cap age is). The book is FANTASTIC, practical, easy to immediately begin incorporating--there are application suggestions at the end of every chapter. You will love it. It's a simple, direct way to love your kids and stand by their side as life doles out its natural consequences. www.loveandlogic.com
you'll be AMAZED at the simplicity of it and how QUICKLY you'll get results with your kids--and it's FUN!

A. - I think you are doing the right thing. Until they can earn your trust back they should lose their freedom of coming home on their own. I think picking them up is a great idea. But, if this does not seem as much of a consequence to them, then maybe another consequence could be instituted. I follow the Love and Logic theories and the consequence logically follows the act and you apply the consequence with love. So - in short, stay confident and solid in your decision. N.