Hello....I have 2 boys, ages 3 and 5, and they both started preschool at 2 (for 1/2 day, 3 days a week). The older son is shy, anxious about new situations, and prefers to play with calm children or girls; the younger one is quite the opposite. The 5 year old just started kindergarten and is really upset. He cries every night begging me not to make him go and the morning is also full of tears saying that he doesn't want to go and he wants to stay home. This is his first time to stay for lunch and afternoon activities (he does a morning kindergarten and afternoon enrichment which is very good). He starts at 9am and I pick him up at 3pm. He cries most of the day, especially in the afternoon. He will not use the potty there and either pees on the way home in his pants or runs to the bathroom when we get home. He barely eats there because he is too uptight. He will not play or interact, but sits by himself and watches the other kids/cries that he misses me. When we have playdates or if I am around, he will play "like a boy" and act like a normal kid.
A little addendum: Thank you all so much for your heartfelt responses. My son had a rough first few weeks at preschool every year, too, but the teachers felt he did fine (although quiet and shy) and was ready for KG. he is 5-1/2 years old and will be 6 in Jan. he is also quite tall and mentally ready for KG-perhaps just not socially as mature as his age would suggest. He has several friends that are in his class that he has known and played with since they were babies. His friends are a little surprised to see him like this since he is usually "normal" when they play together on playdates. I purposefully did lots of playdates before school started, and even sent him to a half day camp at the school this past summer so he would be use to the building, etc.
I think I will seek guidance from his teachers and counselors. Thank you all so much....I will let you know how it goes....
His teachers are wonderful, class size ~15kids, and it is a very good school. I know other kids/moms who say they love it, so I do not think it is the teachers or program there.
Should I hang in there or give in and pick him up before lunch? Is 6 hours too long for some 5 year-olds to be at school? Or maybe there is another issue I am missing?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts......
My son had half day K, and sometimes that was too long. Take him out of the enrichment part.
It is a horrible way to start every day with the crying and begging, etc. but hang in there and never let him see you sweat! Good luck!
I would say that if you don't have mandatory full day K, then take him out of the afternoon program. Also, if a 5 year old who has been to school since age 2 is refusing to participate or interact and sits in a corner alone, it's time to get the school counselor/social worker/psychologist involved. If it's just since starting kindy that he's been this way, the counselor should offer some assistance with the adjustment. If he's been this way through 3 years of school, then it's time for an outside evaluation.
Good luck
9-3 is a long day for Kindergarten. I would ask him if he'd feel more comfortable if you picked him up before lunch. Schedule a playdate with some of the kids in his class - that way he feels comfortable when he's there and already has some established friendships.
I get really annoyed when people on this site say SEEK HELP. A better way to word it would be - give your child's pediatrician a call and see what he/she thinks. These people are not your child's Dr and have no right to make you believe your child has some sort of mental illness and that it's imperative you seek HELP. That feels harsh and is probably coming froma bitter person who either has no experience with children or just likes to be an alarmist.
All kids are different. All people are different. My son is very similar to yours. Some kids are highly sensitive and take longer to warm up to new situations. Some kids have more anxiety. But that does not mean something is wrong with them mentally. I was an anxiety ridden child. But I learned to deal wiht it and overcame it. That is what is most important, teaching them how to deal with their anxiety. I am reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Child, helping our children when the world overhwhelms them - by Elaine Aron, PhD. I recommend you read this too!
PM me if you want to talk as I totally get it! I have three kids and my oldest is MR OUTGOING and my middle is just like your son. It takes all types to make the world go round.
:)
I really think you should stop and listen to your son. He is telling you very clearly and in many ways that he is desperately unhappy. Take him home before lunch at the very least. Kids at that age don't need "enrichment". They need lots of time to play, access to the natural world and down time to process what they have experienced. That is how they learn. Do the research. Extra classtime is counter-productive for all young children and is not good emotionally for your boy.
It really sounds like he isn't ready.
I know you can feel like a car sale man trying to sell the idea of school to your kids. But he is telling you in the only way he knows how that he isn't ready. I think kids need to be able to asked when is school? can I go? in order for them to be ready.
he may need another year of preschool before going into kindergarten. Yes it is the social norm that at 5 your child has to start school, but not all kids are ready for school at 5. i know of several kids that were the way you are describing your son, and they were held back for a year, and it made a HUGE difference for the kids throughout their ENTIRE school years. My brother was this way, and my parents still are upset that they didn't hold him back one year to help him out. He struggled and still struggles to this day.
Just my own two cents (I could give about two hundred cents), but just because the "state" says that 5 years old is the "right" age for children to start kindergarten doesn't make it right. If your son is a young 5, then maybe he just isn't quite ready yet.
I do think 6 hours is too long for some 5 year olds to be at school. Perhaps he can have one more year at preschool and start next year? You could then help him get used to the idea of kindergarten; work with him on what will be expected of him; etc...
Finally, I personally think the first few years of schooling will set the tone for a child's entire attitude toward education, so why not make sure it is an enjoyable, positive one?
Again, just my two cents and I know I will probably be in the minority, but after teaching for so long, it just breaks my heart to hear of these situations.
R.
aww. I can only imagine how sad this makes you. Did he JUST start? I know when my daughter just started school (she goes 8:15-3:15) I was petrified that she would be so upset. Her teacher warned me that usually the first couple weeks are hard and some kids cry but then they adjust. So maybe give it a little bit of time. Talk with his teachers to see what they suggest about making it easier for him. Hope he starts liking school soon!
I just wanted to offer support. I went through something similar when my daughter was in Kindergarten last year. The first 6 weeks were TOUGH - daily tears, consulting with the teacher, lots and lots of encouragement from mom and dad. She finally adjusted but even to this day she complains about having to go to school. No more tears just the daily, "I wish I didn't have to go to school...." I truly think some children are wired differently. Like your son, my daughter is very shy and anxious about new people and situations. I have a feeling they will struggle with this until they have the maturity to truly cope. As their parents we need to be their "soft place to land", providing unconditional love and support. And - very important - resist the urge to compare them to their more outgoing siblings (my younger daughter is like your younger son; the opposite of the oldest!) Hang in there and best of luck to your family.
Our kindergarten is a mandatory full day, so there is no choice but to leave them for the full day and I don't think a full day is too long for most 5 year olds. He could just need some time for adjustment and some help interacting with his peers. Once he finds a really good friend, he probably won't want to leave. I would meet with his teachers and also contact the guidance counselor. Our guidance counselor used to pick out 4 kindergartners each day for a lunch bunch and she would play games with them and help them adjust to the newness of kindergarten. In the middle of the year there was one little girl that still needed her for some reason and she would pull her once a week and allow her to choose 3 friends to come with her (they all begged to be chosen). So see if she can help you. You could pick him up a couple days a week at noon and then the other days have him try the enrichment with lots of positive encouragement. My daughter is very shy, and she had an extra year or preK because she just fell outside the age requirements, but she was still shy once she started kindergarten, so I don't think an extra year changed her personality much.
Aww...that is really tough-I went through it with my son last year in K, although not as bad as you are describing. He all the sudden in the middle of the year decided he didn't want to go to school. IT was so tough fighting with him about it. Finally and with the help of his guidance counselor he went back into the class and did fine ever since. My best advice to you is to first, talk to the school guidance counselor. They are trained in techniques that will help with this. But honestly I really think that you should take him to half a day. He is still young...I really think that schools have jumped the gun keeping kids that young for a full day. IMO it was the result of a push from the parents so they would not have to worry about daycare plans-at least that is what I have noticed in my area where the biggest complaint is that our half day program makes it hard for working parents. IT is a long day for little kids and they miss their parents and the comforts of home. Kids can suffer from stress and all its effects just as we can. So pull him from the program. You can "enrich" him from home just as well as the school I am sure. I bet that you will see a 100% turnaround in him if he knows he is only there for a half day.
If you have the option, I agree that stepping down to just a half day may be the right choice for your son. He may still fight going at first, but if he did well in preschool he will most likely adjust to kindergarten on the smaller scale. The enrichment programs may be great, but he's probably not getting much out of them in his current state. We have full day kindergarten, and both of my older girls did not go until they were 6 for more of the emotional/social reasons (academically they would have been fine). It was the right choice for them. On the other hand, my third probably could have gone this year at 4 (if allowed) and been OK. All kids are different.
I know from being a volunteer in the classroom that many of the kids just were not ready to be there full day at 5. Unfortunately some of these kids end up being labeled as "bad" or a "problem" simply because they aren't ready yet, which I think is sad.
Go with your gut and work with your school. There's no one answer for everyone, but if it were me I'd opt for the half day for now and see how it goes. Good luck!
He may need another year. Kindergarten is a huge adjustment. 6 hours is a long time to not go potty or eat. You may try his pediatrician and get a referral to a child psychologst that can help him with some coping mechanisms.
Here is my experience. We held one of mine and she started at almost 6. She too was very shy, wet her pants at school and cried every day. She ended up going to the nurse with a tummy aches. I started takign her home after lunch. In 1st grade I switched her to a private Christian school. Not much better for two years there. She was moved back into public school in NC and she started wetting her pants and calling home again. By the end of 4th I pulled her. I now homeschool her and she is thriving so much better.
She actualy wants to go to the high school, not the middle school, she's in 7th. She wants to learn Latin and German, she wants the same teachers my older daughter has. She is ready. I have kept her involved in Girl Scouts and church. She has many other homeschool friends from around the country she emails. She takes online classes.
Sometimes I look back and say WHY WHY WHY didn't I pull her in kinder? Some kids just need a different approach.
No, 6 hours is not too long for most children. I think the ? would be "why" was he able to do preschool & is having such trouble adapting to KG???
My gut feeling is split in two on this one! 1/2 of me says.....stand firm, he was able to do P.S.-so KG should not be an issue for him. The whole holding the bladder thing says that this is a control issue for him. He's making choices which are self-destructive, because he does not want to be there...& is trying to act out.
The other 1/2 of me says....wait until he's 6 & try again. BUT if you don't address these issues, they will still be there next year. Soooo, what can be done? Are you willing to homeschool? Are you willing to seek counseling?
I think a better option would be to begin nurturing friendships with the other children. Have an evening bonfire, do marshmallows, etc. Make the 1st step to creating a bond with other families & let those kids get to know each other outside of the classroom! This should ease his anxiety, & create a whole new world for him. I wish you Peace!
I homeschool all my 5 boys. One reason I do is becuase I think school is too long and not every kid is ready to start school. I really feel we push our children too early in the current school system.
I would encourage you to listen to your sons and find out exactly what is bothering him. It may be he is exhausted and overwhelmed by this new situation. I would think of a few simple steps he could go over when he feels stressed out. If he can memorize these he will have an action plan to cope with stress.
Hope you can make the best decision for your son.
School anxiety is a serious issue and only you know your child, and how severe it is. If you feel that he just needs time to feel comfortable with new situations then let him continue while reassuring him that you will be back for him. If you think this is making him sick and he does not need to be there all day then pick him up for a month or so until he handles it better and then start leaving him in full day. Do you have an option of maybe 2 or 3 full days? Have you tried inviting his new classmates over, or meet at a park for a playdate so maybe he can establish some friendships to help him feel more comfortable at school? Have you asked him what he is scared of? Is it that he doesn't have friends? Is he afraid you won't return? I think talking to him and really see what is going on in his head is your best bet. Also, if you decide to keep him in send a picture of you and ask the teacher if he feels the need to see the picture would it be okay. I own a preschool and I can tell you there are teachers who will do everything in their power to help a child transition and then their are others who just won't go the extra mile. I think expectations are put so high on children today, just because they have gone to preschool they are supposed to be ready for kindergarten. This is why some mom's choose to leave their children back one more year in preschool and then put then in kindergarten when they are older. That may be a suggestion for you. If he was comfortable at his other school an extra year can make a BIG difference. Also, there are tons of benefits of being the older child in your class. Good luck I know how hard it is to see your child so upset.
