My Daughter Hits!

Dear K.,

No, no spanking. It is just something that young children do when they are frustrated, and do not have any other power or skills yet - so they hit. Just hold her hand and say, No, you cannot hit me. Then carry her screaming and whatever she does to the car, or to her room and sit on the bed. Never letting her hit you. You do not have to talk a lot, just no, I won't let you hit me. She will cry and then when she stops just change the subject. She is a very smart little girl and will learn quickly enough not to hit mother or anyone else.

The only thing that going to school does is to get them tired, perhaps and that could cause frustration, just like we get when we are tired.

Frankly I do not like too many time outs. They lose their power after a few of them. Just get the environment or atmosphere changed and down play the punishment or the reason for it.

C. N.

hi K., i feel your pain! how awful. i would never offer unsolicited advice to a parent, but since you're willing to try new things, i just read a FABULOUS book called "Kids Are Worth It!: Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline" by Barbara Coloroso and it was so helpful in figuring out how to discipline my son without spanking! coloroso's parenting philosophy is that we don't do anything to our kids that we wouldn't want done to us--which means any kind of punishment. (!!!! scary, i know! but please read on!)

she and apparently others like dr. haim ginott recommend using POSITIVE time-outs, on the assumption that when kids are acting "bad," it's because they're FEELING bad, and they'll behave better when they're feeling better. so instead of punishing bad behavior with an isolation time out, they recommend a time out to do something that will make them feel better--sometimes just stepping outside for some fresh air, listening to music & dancing, etc. it feels scary to trust that your child will learn not to behave bad without us punishing them for it, but it really seems to work! (we might even be scared that we're rewarding bad behavior--but the book or any other book on positive discipline [as well as some of the moms who responded before me!] do a much better job of explaining it than i can!)

interestingly enough, for coloroso, a punitive TIME OUT is practically the same as spanking, because it makes the child feel even worse than they already felt. and while it will take courage to unlearn our current strategies and re-learn alternatives to the now-traditional methods of behavior correction, as the title says, our KIDS ARE WORTH IT! especially precious toddlers that were absolute angels up till now! :o) best of luck to you!

Hi there..I havent even read your reply's below, so I am sorry if I am restating something from someone else. Here's the easy answer..she's 2! They dont necessarily have to see someone do it before they do. My daughter did the same thing and still does on occasion. You did exactly what you were supposed to do when she hit you. You acted quickly and put her in a time out. The best you can do is let them know it is NOT acceptable and stick with it. I put my 2 year old straight off into time out and tell her repeatedly that you do not hit. The time out worked better to me. Someone once told me on this site to hit her back..well good idea. I hit her back and guess what..whe ht me back. Kinda pointless you know. Dont hit! Yet I hit her..duh right..lol. So anyhow Stick to your guns she will eventualy realize thats not good behavior. Good luck!

Here's my gut reaction to your post... I know that scolding and being sent to time out is commonplace, but from my experience, those things don't actually teach the child about not hitting. What they do teach the child is about anger and feeling shameful. Maybe I'm an oddball, but when I was a kid and my parents scolded me, it NEVER made me question what I'd done, it just made me feel really embarrassed and then angry at my parents. And time out or being sent to my room - it just made me more mad at my parents. As an aside, I see this a ton with adults on the roads everyday - have you ever seen it where a car will almost run into another car and so that "victim" car honks and instead of the first, negligible car giving a sorry wave, they flip the other car the bird when it was their fault in the first place!! In my opinion, it's always out of embarrassment and I think it's very similar to your situation with scolding your toddler. In situations like this, I think it's your job to not fly off the handle (scolding) even though what your child is doing may be a huge shock (slap across the face at the park) and you may feel like screaming at them. It may take some time, but I think that explaining about why we don't hit and being a good example is a more struggle/tear-free route to go.

Also, I think changing your expectations of your daughter's behavior might help. She is only two. I know that it's not fun to see YOUR child hitting other kids at daycare, but I don't think it's realistic to expect her to completely understand why hitting is disrespectful and can hurt people - she's still so little. Again, I think your best bet is to talk to her about it and not make her feel ashamed or embarrassed. It isn't going to work overnight, but what does? You didn't show your child how to walk and then they picked it up the next day - it takes them time to GET these things and that's our job as parents, to show them - however many times it might take.

And, needless to say, I would never result to spanking, but I understand that you bring it up out of frustration. That is a total mixed message (not to mention, the laziest way to parent). It's okay for you to hit her, but her not to hit you, what?? Again, when my parents spanked me when I was a kid, I never remembered what I had done "wrong" - I just remembered feeling so scared that they could do it again and mad at them for treating me that way. For me, I'd rather my child not do something because I've explained it to them a thousand times rather than because they're scared that I will cause them bodily harm.

Patience, patience and good luck, mama!

Katrina, Our daughter also hit - and it came, also, completely out of the blue. Our very capable and loving caregivers at nursery school told us that many toddlers go through that phase, but boy, it was long and difficult one for us. She was much smaller than her peers at that point and it seemed to almost delight her to walk up to someone a head taller and punch at them or hit them. Devastating to us, though. Many, many time outs later ("consistency is the key to loving discipline" being our mantra....), she has grown out and/or been persuaded out of the behavior. However; it was the better part of 6 months. Hang in there, ask for help from your caregivers, and go over the hurt it causes (hurt feelings and physical hurt) with her.
best of luck with this, A. - our daughter is 3 years & 4 months.

Hello K. B;

I was shock to heard about your daughter at younger age. Maybe the child care that you have does not showing a good example on children. She must seen that action some where she is around with children that doing that and no one corrected for saying something with those children. Toddler's are very observance and copy cat. My suggestion, please find another child care and ask for references,recommendation from friends. This child care you're using has some hidden bad behavioral group there. We have to observe the changes in our child especially when they're caring by child care. Or else ask your pediatrician to recommend to see some Physchological testing on your toddler so that you will know where did she learn that kind of behavior. If she is my daughter, I will be concern and report or make an appointment with her pediatrician doctor and let him know the situation. I rather wants to know why my daughter is behaving like that especially at the younger age hitting you in face. It is not normal for you to have those early behavioral problem. Good luck and take care of her right away.

A.

I hate to say it but I slapped my child back. NOT HARD but just enough to get the point acorss. After she has recieved the same that she dished out. She will understand that slapping hurts. This worked for me.

She hits you, you hit her back. I feel spanking would be appropriate when she's hit someone. Since she's articulate, get her to open up to reasons that prompt the hitting. Some people/kids have a very difficult time with feelings: the reasons behind an action or response or even what or how they feel about "things."
Best of Luck,
K. B

My little boy hit for awhile when he was two and he got over it eventually. We did the same thing - time outs with stern talking. He never hits now. Good luck!

Your daughter may be observing others hitting, but it could also just be the way she is demonstrating her feelings presently. She may be having feelings of frustration, hurt, or sadness, but at her age she is unable to verbalize/ articulate. She should definitely learn that hitting is an unacceptable response; she should also be shown ways she can express her feelings. Your precious little toddler probably misses her mommy and daddy and wants to be home, not separated from the her parents. How great is would be if you could be home with her. She would love that and it would be so good for her. All the sacrifices made to allow that to happen would be worth it! I never thought it would be possible for me to stay home but it's happening; it's very tight financially, but worth it and what an enormous benefit it is to our children. Best Wishes for your family.

Hi K.,
I am a mother of 3 (ages 17, 15, and 12). I have also completed child development classes when my children were younger. I did home daycare for 7 yrs and worked in a daycare center for another 3 yrs. In my experience, spanking does not work either... esp to stop your daughter's hitting issue. In child development, I've learned about positive disciplining and in my experience, it worked for my own 3 children. Time out and taking away priveleges (esp as my children are older) are more effective than spanking. Spanking gives mix messages to your child (if hitting is not allowed, why is okay for an adult?) Talking (better communication) is top, effective way or solution for any problem.
When you put your daugther in time-out, talk to her about how hitting hurts you and others and is not acceptable. Teach her better ways to express herself in words when she is angry, upset, or frustrated esp. since you mentioned that she is extremely articulate. Be consistent. Also, be aware of what is going on in the daycare that she goes to. Ask the caregivers how they face this problem with the children in the room. If you are able, do surprise visits in the daycare to see how they run the center and how the caregivers interact with the children.
Hope this helps.

Our older son (5 years old) has had a big challenge with hitting since he was 2 or so. What we have found that helps are two things:
1) The tight hugging a previous poster mention and a subsequent discussion about why we don't hit.
2) Redirect the hitting at an inanimate object. Clearly if she's hitting she's wanting to make that motion, so teach her that she can hit a pillow, the bed, the floor, but we DON'T hit people. This has been very effective.

Also, another thing we've noticed is that when our son hits it's usually because he's overstimulated. I do not believe in time outs because this sends the message that the child is rejected and unloved because of his actions. Instead what I've done is ask my son if he needs a break in his bedroom. If he says yes, he will voluntarily go into a time out. In this way he doesn't feel rejected. Interesting thing is, he will now announce that he needs a break, and on his own go into his room and close the door.

I hope that helps. There is no quick solution to the hitting. Your daughter is using it to communicate something, so best to try and understand what she's communicating and find another way for her to communicate it.

Take care,
B.

at a young age reasoning and indirect correction, like a time out for some stuff, like hitting, doesn't always register. the brain is sill knittig together. the full rreasoning capacity and both sides working together is not physically there. be firm and quick. a couple of swats on the butt, with bare, open hand will do more. nowhere else, not in anger, but firmly with remonstrance "no, no, that is wrong." your words. my son is 12. he was usually fine with time outs. sometimes it was a test and he needed more. even when 4-5- or older he KNEW when he'd earned it and accepted it. the mortification of being that bad hurt more than the swats, really. he's too old now and i dock his allowance usually, on the rare times i need to, unless more severe punishment like extra chores, time out, etc., is called for.
once i said he'd earned a swat and he held still for it. but, he knew i was right. he's taller than me anyway. good thing he has developed the respect.
even today, when he sees an appalling toddler, he'll say "he needs a good swat, doesn't he?"
it's not long, continuous, nor as hard as you can. this is not a beating. it's to get them to their senses. don't use objects. it's also not the first line of action/response. it is understood to be ratcheted up due to their failure to obey the first level verbal correction, or they were caught doing something they flat out knew and were told in past is an absolute NO NO.
some hold them tightly. but this may be interpreted by child as secondary gratification, a reward, a hug for hitting. when used with autistic children as an intervention it is to gain the attention of the autistic child, usually they are self-stimming (self stimulating) and ignoring others. we are trying to get them to interact, so they are aware of other person and forced to recognize other person in their space. also, some techniques with various types of problems don't work as well with other problems. it's like giving the wrong medicine for a diagnosis.

When Brookie hits, I do a physical restraint/big hug thing. Depending on the environment, I either hold her very tightly to my chest or face her out wrap my arms around her in a bear hug. The pressure on her little body is calming (they do this to autistic children). The restraint keeps her hands from hitting more. She never likes being slowed down, so its as good as time-out. After a minute or so, we have a good talk about using our hands nicely. Hope this helps.

I went through this as I'm sure many have. We took a simple approach that seemed to work. My son wouldn't hurt a fly today and he's now 12.
So when he'd hit we would get down to make eye contact, gently, yet firmly grab his hand and say, "That is not okay" (we avoid using No to much). Then I would redirect the behavior to show him what to do. I would continue holding his hand and say "love, give love" and have him gently stroke my cheek or whatever area he just hit. I would make my emotions more happy and lovey almost praising him for this action. It really needs to be done all at once so they can see what not to do and then what to do.

Its sounds simple but it worked:
eye contact
correction
redirection
praise

So just know that hitting is done out of frustration, don't worry you don't have a psycho on your hands as others may have implied. It is entirely normal behavior that still needs redirecting though.
Happy parenting!!!