Help Needed for Super-sassy Daughter

Hi T., I feel your pain. Between my husband and I we have six children, 5 of whom are girls. The older children are 22, 19, 19 and 16. Together we have a 4 year old daughter and a 13 mo. old son (finally!). I raised or at least help raise all the older children. Let me tell you, those girls gave us a run for our money! Eventually they do come around. My 19 year old was her worst between 14 and 16. She is now 19 and we are great friends.

That being said, there are some things that I am doing differently with my two younger children. First of all, buy yourself a copy of "Parenting Teens with Love & Logic" by Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay. It is really awesome. They also have a version geared for younger kids, which I am using for my four year old. Also, Focus on the Family has some really good articles on parenting. The web address is www.family.org.

My one piece of advice to you is to gain authority over your daughter now. The older she gets the harder that will be. Believe it or not, they want us to help them gain self control, even though they fuss and fight. Setting limits makes them feel safe.

Best of luck to you and your family.

God bless,
Jen P.

Hello, My kids are still very young, so I don't have any great advice for the sassiness, but I'll share my insight into the lack of respect issue between kids and parents these days. I have pondered the same question. What is the difference between now and then? I think (only my opnion), when we were young, parents were parents, adult were all authority figures and kids were kids. Period. You did what adults told you to do...all adults. Kids now days are taught that they don't have to do what someone tells them to do. We have given them control and authority over themselves, ie...the c.y.s example. We are too worried about being their friend, being their buddy, making sure we spend "quality" time with them, "bonding" with them, we teach them that they are equal with adults. Now I am not saying that any of these things are bad, but it wasn't that way when I was young. We didn't have family nights, we didn't "hang out" with mom and dad. It was a special treat to hang out with dad. I didn't become friends with my parents until I was a late teenager and young adult. My parents defended the schools and the other authorites, not my childish behaviors. We went to church and were taught that God was the ultimate authority..not my own desires and beliefs. Just because I didn't agree, didn't make me right.
I struggle with these same things. My kids don't show me respect like I did my parents. My Mom stayed at home, but I don't remember her making sure I was entertained or having all the educational toys and things. We palyed with friends and we ran around and we had chores and we were kids. Now days, our kids are forced to grow up much younger and are taught things at a much younger age than we were and we wonder why they think they are so smart...they are (:
I am sure none of this helps you in your situation, but I wanted to share my thoughts...hope you don't mind.
I was a sassy teenager and my mother put up with it to a certain extent, but I did get slaped a few times, and she did draw the line when I went too far. Some of it is to be understood, your daughter is finding herself, but I would try and talk to her when she happens to feel like being civil and just tell her that you understand, but that there is line that she is not to cross. You are the adult, whether she is smarter than you are not, and that you deserve respect, just like she is demanding respect from you. Respect goes both ways. If she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to act like one. You know...the "golden rule"...do unto others as you want done unto you".
Good luck...I don't know how my mom survived me, but now we are very close. I think most kids come around, if we set the right example.
God Bless you and your family.
A.

I'd say just ignore her when she's slamming things around. She's looking for a reaction from you so she feels like she's got the upper hand. If you don't react to her- hopefully she'll stop doing it. Teenagers are just crazy.......I'm a high school teacher- 9th and 12th grade. Good luck- parenting teens is much harder than simply teaching them.
C.

hi i have two small kids and im 26 years old but i had he chance of raising my 16 year old sister who did he same thing and i would ignore her and she hated it. When i asked her to do something and she did no do it i would just do it myself and when she asked me for things i would ignore. At times that did not work teenagers have very little concerns about our feelings "lol" But i did get her to do things when i gave awards afterwards as far as if you do this ill get you something. I know its sad that you may have to brive the with things but sometimes it help them realize that when i do things the way tha its suppose to be done i get rewarded and also after a while she started doing things herself without me even asking. Now she is 18 and she doesnt live with me anymore. But if this problem gets anyworse you might wanna get her a mento(Big sister) I have helped a friend of mine with her teen daughter and sometimes hanging out and listning to someone other than your parents thats positive really helps alot and they understand more , they dont feel so much pressure. My friend actually says that her daughter sassy atitude has been awesome. Hope this was some help

T.,
I feel your frusteration!! My son is 14 and acts the same way. Although, he is starting to change. But the change is slow and gradual. On the other hand, my daughter who is 9- has started behaving this way and it's driving me crazy!! It can really be difficult to keep your cool sometimes, and kids today are so smart- it's scary.

I have found that taking priveledges and certain favorite items away seems to be key in controlling the smart mouth. We once banned my son from the internet for an entire day and he was besides himself!! But- we haven't had an issue with that behvavior again. I've also taken his cell phone away (for part of a day) and told him he cannot go to his favorite video game store. He's threatened to leave the house. I used to get very upset when he did that- and he knew it. Now, I tell him to go ahead- and bring money for a pay phone because he won't be using his cell phone to call for a ride home!!!!!
He's never done it and hasn't threatened it lately- I think he realized that I called his bluff.

Dealing with teenagers is a game of wits! You almost have to outsmart them and predict their next move. Just be firm and consistant. If you tell her that she will lose a priveledge, then stick to it. And be prepared for the whining, crying, screaming and cursing!!