My husband has a stressful job as an executive running a large company. In addition to long hours, he has a 1 1/2 to 2 hour commute. We have 2 school age kids. I do ALL of the household and child management (shopping, doctor appointments, dry cleaning, cooking, housework, bill paying, taking the kids to and from school and activities, act as his personal assistant, etc). In addition to all of that, I work part time around the kids and hubby's schedule and am trying to complete online courses to advance my career. I forgot to mention I also have a chronic illness that takes it's toll on my health and energy and takes a lot of medical maintenance to keep well enough to do it all.
I understand he is exhausted when he gets home, but he'll often make comments about how easy I have it. He just made a comment about how he doesn't know how much longer he can take the stress of his job and how he can't wait until I finish my education so that maybe I can run a successful business and he can just stay home and take care of the house and kids.
Even when I feel horrible from my health issues, I NEVER have a chance to stop. Yet he comes home and lays on the couch. It feels like what I do is unappreciated and minimized because I have flexibility, but I NEVER get to rest. It feels like just because his paycheck maintains the household and mine are the bonuses, they don't count (mind you I make as much as some folks do who work fulltime outside the home, it's just not a regular check). I rarely get help with any household or childcare chores and it feels like my studying and personal care area always last on the to do list. I feel like his perception of my life is totally off and I don't know how to make him understand it's not easy for me either. Maybe it's my fault for making it seem easy and doing it all, but if I don't, it doesn't get done. Any advice?
Thanks for the comments and advice! I totally didn't mean to make my DH sound like an unsensitive jerk so I probably should elaborate! I know he totally gets that I don't feel well a LOT. He is a sensitive man who is totally about loyalty and integrity and I know he LOVES me and is family with all his heart. I don't know anyone he's ever met/works for him who doesn't like him. He is very traditional in that he believes it's his job to provide for his family. He tries very hard to be at most of the kids sporting events, etc (even if he's still kind of working by phone/email). We are trying to find a home closer to his job but due to some economic obstacles, we have had sell our home and regroup. We have paid off all debts except medical (those will never be paid with my issues - LOL). We are trying to save for our down payment and have a goal of moving this summer. I really think it's a case of perception. The grass is greener kind of thing. His job is INCREDIBLY stressful. He's not here. When he is, I try to spend time with him instead of working, cleaning, etc (even though I'm usually multi-tasking), so I don't think he even realizes. And as mentioned before, maybe it's his situation and the fantasy that it's so easy for me; he wishes he could trade places.
I travelled quite a bit to care for an ill parent between 2009-2011 often leaving him for a couple of days to take care of the routine, and it managed to get done, but didn't include everything I do or with the same attention to detail (ie. take out meals, daughter wore clothes she shouldn't have to school, etc). His job position was also more flexible at that time as well. So I guess my main question is how do I make him understand it's not easy for me either and I get just as overwhelmed? Lately I'm starting to feel resentful of the perceptions and I don't want to feel this way.
Plan a trip somewhere where you'll be gone at least a couple of school days. I've found the best way for my husband to understand what it's like to balance working from home, kids and household responsibilities is to have him try it himself. I'm going out of state to visit family and friends next month and can't wait for DH to do it all! It's been a while and he needs the reminder as to all that I do.
Hire a cleaning person on a weekly basis. If you have the money that is best way to ease your burden at home. Aside from that - unfortunately the only way he is going to see it's hard work is for him to stay home and DO the work for a while - and that doesn't sound like it's going to happen.
Invest in yourself
My DH has made comments like this when he's really stressed about the job he's doing (he's senior management). Things that helped include 1. talking to him about his job and him changing how he approached his job. Recently he was offered a different program to manage in a reorg and the relief is visible. He's also taken steps to change his diet and resume his workouts, which helps as well. So it wasn't ME, it was his situation. And 2. have him try to accomplish all you do and work from home. My DH occasionally telecommutes but when he does, I'm usually here and he's alone downstairs. I'm still fielding pottying, feeding, playing, cleaning, etc. while I work. One day I needed to go to an appointment and he got as interrupted as I do. I asked him how it went. I think he got a new appreciation for the fits and starts of working from home.
Further, discuss with him how your illness makes you feel and what you really put up with. I have spoonie friends and family. Is he familiar with the spoon concept? You have much more limited resources than he does if you have a chronic illness. Even if you don't look sick, you still are.
On top of all that you're going to school? Wow. I really don't think he understands all you try to do in a day. I'm not saying his job isn't stressful, but maybe lay out "these are the days you would have to take off if I wasn't home to take care of the kids' needs" or "these are the things you would have to do if I wasn't on top of my own health to be able to do them." Not a tit for tat, but to really get a feel for where you are.
First thing you need to accept is that if you didn't it would get done. Things may not get done the way you want but it would get done.
You say your money is bonus money then use it to pay a sitter and go out with friends, hire a cleaning lady. Again you are looking at this as I want it this way, I want him to watch the kids I want him to help me. There is no reason for that other than your choices.
You need to either see how you control things or this will drive you nuts.
Oh I just realized I gave you nothing to help your spouse understand, that is because he won't. He will tell you hire a cleaning lady if he hasn't already. Now on the babysitter if she shows up while he is home that will probably drive the point home how silly that is, maybe not.
oh my! I work full time and let me tell you I am more exhausted on days that I spend at home vs the ones that I spend at work and I too have an executive level stressful job!! sometime on Monday driving to work it feels like wow I am going to finally get a break :-) I totally think that both stay at home and working moms work very very hard but working moms get a sanity break and adult interaction that stay at homes sacrifice to be with their families....neither decision is good or bad - to each his/her own but it is very physically exhausting to be a full time stay at home mom - working from home falls in the same bucket - actually worse scenario!!! I say let your husband do it for a few months!!!!!
You don't have to explain how hard it is to run a home! I know just what you mean. I think on one hand he's so stressed out it's easier to lay the burden on you and blame you thinking it'll take the stress off of him. (he's being a jerk) Also, he doesn't realize all of what you do. Stop doing his laundry and stop doing anything that revolves around him. He'll start seeing what all you do. Don't cook food for him, don't wash his dishes, don't pick up after him, don't wash/dry/fold/put away his clothes, don't take care of his dry cleaning, don't be his "personal assistant" and so on. Maybe he'll see what all you do.
He's making the choice to work at the job he's doing and not to be home as much. He thinks his worth is better than yours. He's one of those guys who has a check list. Married... check! House... check! Kids... check! Cars... check! Dog.... check! Vacations... check! Meanwhile, he expects everyone else to do all the dirty work to keep HIS lifestyle afloat.
Stand up and take a stand! Let him know he'll appreciate you and take his stress out on someone else or he's on his own around the house!
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
Hugs!! My husband is going through some extra stress at work and i feel the same way you do, I have a similar situation minus the illness and school but plus some extra child-related demands on my time. He's a wonderful man and provider, and he actually does help some at home . . . but I feel like he dismisses all that I do and resents me being "home". Like another poster said, it's probably not you/him, but his job. Not that it makes it any easier. I'm fighting resentment myself for feeling unappreciated, but I don't know how to change it. Talking hasn't worked so far . . . .
Uh... wow! Sorry to be so harsh, but your husband sounds like an insensitive jerk! All that you do, PLUS a part time job, PLUS school, PLUS a chronic illness... just WOW!
To answer your question, when I worked at home, everybody assumed it was so easy, which made it harder. People called me at all hours of the day, people wanted me to do things or watch their kids just because I was home. What part of WORKING did they not understand? This is why I prefer working in the office, because people respect my time, so I can get more done. And honestly, working in an office is like a VACATION compared to all the responsibilities that wait for me at home.
I've done it all- I've done that WAH thing, I've done the part-time thing, I've done the SAHM thing, and I've worked outside the home. The easiest, BY FAR, is working outside the home.
But to me, the real issue, rather than justifying to your husband what you do in a day, is that he needs to man up and provide for his family in more ways than just bringing home the bacon. How can you communicate that to him? Stop doing everything for him. Just stop. You're not superwoman, you can't (AND SHOULDN'T) do it ALL. We have partners in life for a reason.
And from my heart to yours, with complete and utter sincerity, your husband should be so lucky to have a woman like you who takes on so much and is so giving of herself. You deserve respect, love and admiration.
wow! working from home is very hard (i tried, i don't have the right discipline and focus to manage it), and doing it on top of school and a chronic illness is a huge challenge.
i'm not even sure how to approach this. it would be one thing if he were just a little clueless and needed some help to understand and appreciate what you do, but he sounds way worse, as if he's actually resentful of you and deliberately refusing to acknowledge all you do. and no matter what the income/job/household division of labor, it's NEVER okay for one partner to totally abdicate home and child-raising duties.
i wish i could think of something. but he sounds like a nightmare.
i hope some of the others can come up with some concrete helpful advice for you. i just send a big virtual {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}.
khairete
S.
I think that the only way someone is going to understand how to do SAH stuff is to be at home....for a couple of weeks! Staying home for one day is just a taste. There is no laundry to do, no cleaning to do, no scheduling to do. If you are completely GONE then there is no one to do all of those things.
But, how reasonable is that? Not very. I would go bonkers and lose my mind if my husband deigned to say that I wasn't working enough being home.
L.
His perception IS totally off. Leave the house and kids to him one day and let him see first hand how much work it really is. Hunker down at the library or local library and study there.
WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!
If your husband runs a large company - I would assume he has a large salary and would be able to afford to live closer to his job so he wouldn't be commuting 3 hours a day. If he doesn't have a large salary - I would wonder about his negotiating abilities...most executives or large companies I know are earning $250K per year if not more (and I have helped them negotiate their salaries).
I'm sorry you have health issues. I think at one point in life we all do. it's a matter of how you handle them and get treated that makes the difference for many.
As to working from home? I know EXACTLY what you mean. My husband would come home from work and wonder why stuff wasn't done. I said because I AM WORKING!!!
If your husband doesn't understand what it's like to work from home? Take a vacation without him DURING THE WEEK so he can "work from home" and see what it's like to run the house, work and do all the other stuff. Then he might understand exactly what you are going through.
My husband thought that stay at home mom's got to sit around watching TV and eating bon-bons all day....what a rude awakening for him when he got laid off work when we had a newborn and a 2 year old...he got to see for six weeks just what I did on a daily basis and bowed to me. He knows my job is harder than his and I don't get paid for it. Then when I worked from home he was confused...and again enlightened...it's amazing the changes that happen when one is enlightened.
I would strongly consider finding a home closer to his work. Since you work from home - it doesn't matter where you are as long as you have internet service, fax and phone - right? You might find better schools too. You never know until you try.
You really need to have a heart-to-heart with your husband so he knows what you do, etc. It's VERY ignorant of him to think otherwise.
Get a big desk calendar, one of those month at a time deals and write down everything you do for the month, every event, every medical flair-up you have. Hang it up for all to see. My family uses this so EVERYONE knows and no one has the "I didn't know." excuse. He'll see and know just what you do and maybe offer to help on some things when he's home.
