Really, I have a great 6 year old little boy that does not stick up for himself enough. He is more than happy to be passive and easy going all the time . I think these are great character traits but it is allowing kids to be mean and take advantage of him. Please give suggestions for how to teach him to still be nice but know it is ok to sick up for himself. When I see this behavior I will tell him that you have the right to tell that person how you feel and what they did was not nice. I do not want him to be a bully but, I do not want him taken advantage of. For example if he is playing and some one takes something, if he has ask for it back and if not given back he will usually find something else and be up-set and sad. I want him to have more confidence. Thanks for reading.
Thank you, for your answers and I look forward to more in-put. You have had some great suggestions.
I agree that sports and martial arts can build his confidence. Also, speak with his teacher or school counselor for suggestions!
Updated
I agree that sports and martial arts can build his confidence. Also, speak with his teacher or school counselor for suggestions!
Taekwon DO!
You’re describing my son about 8 months ago. He hadn’t been in any school yet but with Jr. Kindergarten quickly approaching this Fall I started to get concerned. Just like your son, mine was very passive and just wanted to make everyone happy. This is good and bad. He loves sharing his toys but if someone pushed him and took a toy out of his hand, he wouldn’t do anything except grab another toy to play with. Broke my heart! Most of the kids he plays with are on our street too.
I enrolled him in Taekwon Do and now 8 months later he is a totally different kid. He still loves to share his toys and is still very nice, BUT if a child tries to take it away he will say “I’m playing with that right now” and take it back. He will even say “I’ll let you play with it when I’m done.” Never any problems now, and he gets along with everyone.
Just a quick funny thing that happened = In Taekwon Do they teach self-control/control your body, keeps your hands to yourself. The other day my son was playing with the neighbor son who pushed him out of frustration. My son said to him “Hey, self control man!” Since the parents started laughing so did the 2 boys.
In a way, your son is way ahead of his peers because he is aware that taking something from others doesn't make them happy. He gets empathy.
I would look at how to help him keep his empathy and still get his rights kept. Besides the martial arts classes, i would work with him on learning how to negotiate or problem solve instead of a black and white 'I have it vs. you have it". This way you aren't working against his basic nature but rather adding skills to it.
Often when the kids in our neighborhood have these scrabbles, I do a "Billy wants this and Sam wants this too. What can we do?" then let them think, offer suggestions of trades or alternates and it works out 99% of the time within 3 minutes. My son is learning to approach things this same way and it is amazing to see.
I got started doing this with something called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. My imperfect translation of his basic theory is to identify what each person wants (and have both state the others need) then a solution is a few minutes away. I got an audio book of his out from the library.
It needs to be translated for kids, but I don't know offhand of a good resource. maybe search on the web for nonviolent communication for kids, or even search for a NVC (nonviolent communication) group in your area. There are a surprising number of them out there.
Hope that gives you some ideas.
I think sports and extracuriculars are great confidence boosters. There are a lot of life lessons learned. I know excercising makes me feel more powerful and confidant and I see when my 4 yr old son scores goals in soccer that he carries himself with a lot of pride for days afterward. Anything he could excel at would be great. If he's not sporty, maybe matheletes or Scouts. Maybe he and dad could start a hobby together like flying model airplanes or something. There's got to be a "guy thing" he can do to spend time around some alpha males that shows him that men walk a certain way.
Yes, you are right. It is all about self confidence. This is a tough one... chances are those who are doing this to him are in tune with his lack of self confidence and desire to please. It's not a bad thing at all, but I too would hate to see him upset and taken advantage of.
I would just encourage him to be strong and to be himself.. this takes time. I went through this with my now 8 year old daughter.. I had to keep encouraging her to choose friends wisely and to feel good about who she is. I would say to her and have her say to me: I believe in myself, I am smart, I do well in school and I can have good friends in my life. She is still a bit of a follower, but has more confidence now.
Hang in there and be patient with it. I have a feeling he will start to figure it out soon.
My son started taking aikido at that age, and if you find the right program for him, martial arts can be a great confidence builder and teach discipline, and self-respect. But you need to really check out different programs and schools around you and find one you feel would suit your son best, as they all have VERY different approaches.
Also, try doing some role-playing with him. Ask what he would do in different situations and why. It may be that he really DOESN'T care if someone else takes the yellow crayon- but he may react differently if it is something he really cares about.
Just keep an eye on him in social situations and ask the teacher to do the same. If he is not being bullied or taken advantage of, it may just be that you have a very laid-back kid! Not a bad thing :)
I have the same problem with mine! And it is so tough because on one hand that "niceness" is SO special and you don't want to knock that out of him but on the other-he cannot let himself be take advantage of. When somebody does or says something not so nice to him I instruct him to strike back-with words equally as mean. In my experience THAT is what stops a bully or mean kid. They KNOW that this person will not be their victim. Its not this line that the kids are given at school-"well, you know that hurt me, etc." IMO that does not work after age 5. But when I tell him to do this he is like-Mom, I can't do that-that wouldn't be nice. Why would I do that? He just doesn't have it in him to be mean. I don't think it is a confidence thing either....he is extremely mature and confident.
So I guess I don't have advice-but will be watching to see what the other posters offer.
You could have written that about my son! He's always the O. who is last in the line, takes the last turn--allows people to cut in front of him, etc. As he's gotten older-it's gotten better. I've encouraged him to use "I statements" like "I was next" or "I don't like when you cut the line" etc.
Used to crush me to watch him be so passive but really, there's a lot to be said about a calm, nice, steady friend, don't you think? The world could use more like them!
Oh--and I think sports has improved his self confidence but I don't think the "niceness" in always a confidence issue--more of a personality trait.
My husband was like this as a child. He is STILL like this, a lot of the time.
I love my husband dearly and he is amazing, but this is the one thing in our marriage that is a struggle. He won't ask for time off from work, he is scared to say something when we are billed wrong, he simply has no gumption or ability to take a stand on anything. This haunts him and he really hates it about himself. We are working through it together and he's really improving. I'm proud of him and we have a long way to go. Self esteem issues can follow him for life. I would build your son's self esteem now and quickly!! Fortunately, you sound like a great mom, who wants to nip this in the bud. I really love the suggestions about Taekwon Do and similar activities. Also, finding something he is great at and making him feel great about his ability. How do you and your spouse feel about yourselves? I only ask, because my husband's self esteem issues were learned from his mother. (I am in no way suggesting your son, is learning this from you. I'm just throwing out suggestions!) She has always had low self-esteem and spent most of the time w/ him as a child. He mimicked her esteem issues and still does, to an extent. She only now realizes what an impact she had on him. If your son might be mimicking any self esteem issues, starting with mom and dad will help greatly. Children learn by example. Like I said, I'm not suggestion he IS learning from you, I'm only throwing it out there.
Good luck!!
Hi,
I don't know if this is really about self confidence as about being assertive. My son was this way also and it bothered my when kids took things out of his hands. When he was a toddler I would take the toy back from the kid and say "he was playing with this and please don't take things from his hand, its not polite" I taught my son how to keep kids from doing this by teaching him to hold on tight to the toy when someone was about to take it and turn his body away while saying "no, I am playing with this right now" I practiced this with him by trying to take the toy from him and teaching him how to respond. It worked. I am sure the classes the other moms are talking about are successful changing your son to be more assertive but you can do it yourself for free. Good Luck.
A.
