Big Brother Is the Victim

Hi D.,

I too had a similiar problem. However my two oldest are 3 years apart. My middle son who was the baby for so long had always been very assertive and extremely outgoing. My oldest was not. I put him in sports. I started at tee-ball, then soccer, football, whatever he was interested in. At first I had to push and he almost refused to do it. Now he loves sports and is very outgoing. It helped him meet other people not just in school, and he now is more able to stand up for himself. He doesn't let ANYOne walk over him. I believe it really helped.

I am kind of in same situation with my 10yr old son and 6 yr old daughter. It is much better. I had to get them both to change. I had to really be consistent with disciplining her. She has really mellowed out, but it took a while. My son is still passive, but has learned not to always be a push over. I have thought of martial arts for boosting confidence.
Good Luck
K.

I don't have a clue - but I'm in the same exact boat, and my boys are 12 and 8! My older is plenty confident, but super easy going and stands up for himself to everyone *but* his brother, because he doesn't want to hurt him. The one or two times he did hit back, the younger was devastated - but it didn't stop him, and I'm not about to start hitting him myself, kwim? I'll be watching the responses you get. Good luck!

Honey, I really feel for you. I have two boys 8 and 3 and a girl 3mths. My 8yr old is also nonaggressive. He is getting better since we put him into karate last year. Mind you as orange belt he still has a hard time defending himself (they are taught not to use karate on siblings not in class) but he is getting better. It has also helped him in school with consentration. If you want to get him into karate the school I found which is best value for the money is East West Kenpo Karate Studio at Eastern and Sunset. Good luck.

Dear D.,

Well, the person who has to change is the 2 1/2 year old, and he just hasn't felt any 'pain' yet - he hasn't gotten the message that he has to stop being so bossy. You need to really spend some time with him - This is the drill - I have done this and it works -

Really stay on alert to when the 2 1/2 year old begins his aggression - intervene, yes, but also remove him from the room or yard. Take him to his bedroom and tell him that he cannot be so mean to people - then he will cry and kick and scream, and you just have to endure it until he quits. You do not have to say much, just say that you will not allow him to be so bossy - or whatever words that he will understand. When he has quit crying, clean him up, have him help you straighten up the room if he has messed it up with kicking etc. Then take him to the bathroom, pee if he needs to, drink of water, and wash face with cool wash cloth. It is refreshing and he will need it too.

Take him out to play or lunch or whatever the family is doing now, - no, he doesn't need to apologize - they just don't understand that and really do not mean it so just don't spend your breath on it.

To play and normal life until he does it again and then IMMEDIATELY pick him up and take him to the bedroom. It will work. He is just too young to try to teach with a lot of words . Really, this will work, yes, the neighbors and your mother and mother in law and sisters and husband and so on will tell you that is mean. No, it is not. It is being respectful to the child's stage in life and his understanding level.

You and your family, especially the 7 year old will be lots happier in the hours, days, and months ahead if you perservere in this .

There you are. I did do it. C. N.

I have the same issue. Only my daughter is 5 and my son 3. Nicholas beats up his sister all the time and she just sits there. We try to tell her move out of the way or try to help yourself but she will sit on the couch (or whereever) and take hit after hit. She just started school and I worry kids will be mean and she will take it. We tell her all the time tell the teacher, but I think she should at least try to get out of the way or run or something.
We finally gave her the "okay" to hit her brother back (as he is relentless and we felt she needed to try to defend herself) but found out that he is much more "durable" and she is stil crying. I have no real answer for you but I will be cheking to see what responses you get, and wanted to let you know that it is more common than you may think.

My older daughter was not a very aggressive person and I used to try to teach her to stick up for herself. She is very passive and when she has had enough she puts in her two bits but in a nonviolent manner. I always feared she would let others hurt her because she was so passive, however that is her nature and she seems to get along just fine. She is now an adult and ignores a lot of things that are said toward her. When she feels she needs to, she says something and then she gets over it. I wouldn't worry too much, although I understand it is difficult.