Help! My Son Is Struggling with New Custody Order

I'm sorry to read about all you have been going through. I have to tell you that from first hand experience, unless your son is deathly sick and throwing up, etc., you really need to abide by your custody order. I know it's not what you want to hear but the police stick to the orders very closely (even in snow storms).

I'm guessing that your son is picking up on the stress and frustration and this black cloud that has been over his family, on both sides, for a long time. My recommendation to you is to follow the order and begin to adjust to it yourself so you can help your son do the same.

The worst thing you can do is badmouth his father, it doesn't matter how young they are, they pick up on all of that and are seriously effected by it, even physically. He will end up resenting you. The sooner you get things back to the way they were for your son emotionally, the better off he will be.

You can't control your EX or his actions. I would start soley focusing on your son and his well-being and try to move on. If you need to communicate with him, write him a note. I would also send things back and forth for your son that he loves, things he is most familiar with; blanket, toy, etc.

Short of getting a psychological evaluation (which costs $2K+ or more), you might be stuck with the 50/50 for now.

I know the legal system is screwed up, I'm sorry your are dealing with this.

Hang in there.

Dear K.,
The best thing you can give your son, is that you love him
with all your heart and teach him in the way of the LORD JESUS. For it is the confidence in HIM that will never fail.

I went through a divorce with 4 children and that was what i held on to. When you have no other anchor to hold on to HE is the one we should have been holding on to in the first place. I had to move 2000 miles away from all that my children ever knew and loved to a strange land and people.
That was tough and they missed their daddy as well.
All i could do was to talk to THE LORD and depend on HIM to remove the pain we all were experiencing and the longings we longed for. Well time was the best thing and no arguing with the ex that helped calm the seas around me.
I hope this will help you in some way. But I tell you my sister that JESUS (GOD) is right there with you just waiting for you to talk with HIM to heal your wounds and strighten out your life.
Bless you today
maureen

Hi,

I am a law student in Pittsburgh, PA, and I am an intern in the Family Law Clinic.

In this county, Allegheny, the next step would be court-ordered mediation, but I am not sure what the rules are where you are at.

If you want to email me more details at ____@____.com, I can ask the clinic director--probably the best family lawyer in town--what he thinks you should do.

Good Luck.

Dear K.,
My heart aches for you and your son, but especially for you. When I entered the hell of divorce, my youngest son was eight years old, and it was clear to me that my x-husband was only interested in hurting me, and he knew that the way to hurt me was through the children. He still shoots poison arrows at me through their hearts, even after we have been apart for six years. I must tell you that there is no easy or right answer here, and that any course of action that you chose will be awful.
When I was horrified with my situation a woman told me a story that helped a lot. "Two women went before a king claiming a baby was theirs. The wise king said he would cut the baby in half and give them each a half of the baby. At this point, not wanting any harm to come to her child, the real mother said that the other woman can have the baby. This is how the king knew who the real mother is."
I tell you this because, I considered, (but couldn't quite pull it off) giving him our children. He didn't want them. But to save them, from him poisoning them with his hate for me, I was willing to do it. I also considered stealing them away to Canada (before passports to Canada became necessary) Sometimes I am still sorry I didn't have the guts to pull it off. My children are messed up. My youngest son who is almost 15 is jaded and cynical and doing poorly in school. It is an awful situation.
My heart goes out to you.
N

I think the best thing you can do is talk to your childs doctor about this. This is not good. If the father is trying to hurt you through your son, something needs to be done. Write every single thing down. You need to document every single thing he does. If he makes you take him to his house for someone else to watch that is absolutely uncooperative. Ask him to go to counseling so that you can both learn to take care of your son in a better way. See what he says to that. It's not good for him to see the two of you fighting either. The better you can both work together, the easier it will be on him. If the father won't cooperate, then you should try to get some legal help through a legal aide. This really can't go on for the sake of your son. Good luck.

While I cannot give you the best advice here-I give you my blessings. Stay strong and see if you can find a lawyer who will work for you pro bono, which means they take your case for free. You be amazed at what you can find. I would definately continue to fight for complete custody and with father visitation rights-(though if it were me-I would object) For any father to continue to make the situation worst and make you look bad-is certainly not the most considerate, concerned parent of his own son, but more the ego inspired male chavenistic person mere on his own gain. I went through a divorce with my parents-though I was a young adult and by god, it still amazes me how men turn.
SO-be strong, stay strong. we're here for you.

Mom of 4. God speed.

Not understanding the entire custody agreement it is normal to share custody (50/50) though usually unless the parents live close enough together there is a residence that the child obtains throughout the week for instance lives with mother but has visitation with father on certain nights of the week and weekends as in my cousin's case with her son and his father. Your 4 year old son will have some difficulty with this as most children do with a divorce and separate homes. You are saying that the lawyer and he fell in love. Are they living together? If they are this could be very problematic for your son as it is hard enough for children adjusting to parents not being in the same house anymore. If they are not living together is she there all the time? If she is your husband would need to not include her in the beginning and if they plan on being long term he needs to gradually introduce her into the picture. Any Psychologist would tell you this. I am not one but know a couple. You may want to think about counseling for your son and then for you and your ex as to learn how to be civil to each other for the sake of your son. The questions I asked are questions you deserve to have answers to no matter what your ex may tell you only because they involve your son which is why I would suggest having a third party there to come to some agreement and try and help your son adjust. Also if you notice any problems document everything as soon as it happens, such as the case you described above, he will not even be home and the child is sick and still requests the child be there. That is a no no when it comes in regards to health and welfare of a child. Hope all goes well and if your son is that sick he does not have to leave the house to go the father's for someone else to watch him, that on your exes part is ridiculous. And if he is unwilling to work with you on these issues, you can take them to court and make a judge resolve them for the benefit of the child. You and he HAVE to communicate when it comes to the child and neither party can do anything damaging to the child without consequences. Good luck with everything.

Dear K.,
I should start by saying that I am both a step-mom AND a stay-at-home Mom. My step-son just turned 18, and while our relationship is not heaven, it is MUCH better than it was 10 years ago. :) My other two are nearly 5 yrs, & 10 mos. Having been the step-mom for years and watching how the back & forth affected my step-son, the best advice I think I can give you is DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! DOCUMENT! Get a bound journal of some kind and put the date & time at the top of the page & write what happened as soon after it happens as possible. You'll want to try to write from the standpoint of an observer, and stick to facts ~ not emotions! Otherwise, if you try to use it in court, they won't let you. Also, take you son to the Dr./pediatrician, and ask for some help there. You could also ask him/her to recommend a good therapist for you & your son. If you have insurance, ask if there's someone locally that participates with it. Lastly, you haven't said much about your son's development, so I'd suggest a request for an evaluation by your LIU. You didn't say whether he's in preschool, daycare, etc., and you also didn't mention when he'll be starting school. The LIU evaluation usually includes gross motor, fine motor, speech (including communitating his needs/wants, and understanding what others say), and a few other items, as well.
Also, I believe someone else mentioned the possiblity that your son is sensing/picking up on your feelings. Do not feel guilty if this is the case, as I think it's pretty normal. However, try to be aware of it, as much as possible. At one point, my step-son's mother made such a scene about him coming for a summer visit that she had my step-son in tears about it. Prior to the scene we had discussed the arrangements several times in advance, and he had seemed excited about coming. Needless to say, after the drama, things did not go well.
I hope that the information you've received from me and everyone else helps you. I will certainly be praying for you. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be, especially since I know how empathetic I am with my children when they are hurt or upset. Feel free to e-mail me anytime.

K.,
Believe me when I tell you I'm all too familiar w/ your situation. My ex and I had an aweful 6 year custody battle of my daughter, Carson. I can only advise you to DOCUMENT everything with your son. Write down in a notebook that's only for this. Dates, times, what he says, etc. You need to ask your ex, civily, to go to mediation. Even if you have already, make it a priority and approach it with him as unemotional as you can. Men feed off of our emotions. The less you emit, the harder it is for him to get a foothold on you (and your son). Divorce/custody is the worst thing in this world to have to endure. Especially when you see your child(ren) suffering right before your eyes. If your son isn't in counselling, I'd suggest that too. There are things he is dealing with that he won't and probably cannot talk to you or his dad about. Remember, kids internalize everything and think when things go wrong, it's their fault. Also he doesn't want to upset either of you, so have him talk to a 3rd party. Even try a pastor or church counsellor (they're free for the most part). I feel for you. My heart aches for your son. Having remembered what my daughter went through and seeing her hurt. Bless you and you'll be in my prayers.
M.

Have you taken him to the pediatrician and explained the situation? He/She may be able to write something to the judge explaining the situation. I think that you also need to ask around to find a new lawyer. Ask all your friends, family and neighbors if they know of a good affordable lawyer you can get in contact with. ASk your son when he comes home from his dad's how he is feeling and what all happened, make it something positive for him, but then write everything down when he walks away. Keep track of his attitudes before and after these visits and talk to his doctor. They may be able to help.

I'd probably take the only option you have left - enter counseling and get a qualified professional who can/will testify to how detrimental this arrangement has been for your son. And even if you can't get someone to testify to that, maybe just therapy in general will help both you and your son cope with the new situation.

The other thing I'd be doing is documenting the heck out of every episode like what you described. Taking a sick child from his mother so he can be watched by someone who isn't even his parent is beyond ridiculous. Perhaps by documenting these in a note book with dates/times, who said what to whom, etc., these will add up over time into something a judge can look at as truly being a negative situation for your child.

By the way, I don't know how far apart you live from your ex or even how old your son is, but what's the plan for when your son goes to school?? 50/50 is very hard to maintain when parents live a distance away from the school. If your son isn't old enough for kindergarten yet, is there a possibility you could move, say, an hour away? That would force the court to decide on a different arrangement when school starts. Just a thought.

Unless your ex-husband is abusive, negligent or not a fit parent, he deserves to have 50/50 custody. If your son is so sick that he can't move, he should be in the ER. If he's just feeling lousy, he can recuperate with his father just as well as he could recuperate with you.
Divorce is terrible for children. And right now your son is probably confused and traumatized. I would suggest counseling for you both. And if you truly want your son to have a relationship with his father, then tell your son that his father loves him and send him to his father when it's his turn.

# 1 get in contact with Michael White who owns Quest services in Bellefonte, tell him that B. Corman gave you his name. Talk to him personally about the situation, set up counseling with him, he should be able to guide you into a good counselor for your child. This could help with having a case against your x about what has caused trauma with your child. I dont know what else to suggest however you could ask the courts for a psychological evaluation for your child because of the factors of anger and regression that this custody has caused for your child. You are really in a hard place but I feel a child deserves to be with his mother. All I can do is say, fight for what you feel is right. You know what is best for your child. Also, if your child is in preschool or anything, I know you can add declarations from individuals that explain what they see and how it has effected your child. The declarations should be able to go to the courts for an appeal.

I am very sorry you are going through this, it is a very heartwretching roller coaster ride, i know of this first hand. I have a daughter 9 and a son that is 4 and i left there father 2 years ago. I felt the same way and i had such a hard time dropping my children off to such a resentful man. My soon to be x husband is an alcoholic and chose to move forward without his children and till this time has not seen our children in 2 years. So as it sits now i have on my own without an attorney sought full, legal, sole custody of my children and was granted just that, now since its been so long since seeing the children he has to petition the court in writing before that ball could start rolling for that matter. I think whats going on there because mine is still fresh in my mind is, he is a very angry man because you chose to leave and there is a innocent child involved and i would agree you both want the child, and both want what's best for your child! right! So do what's right you must must must abide by your court order or you will be held in contempt of court and take the risk of him gaining complete custody of your child. Now it sounds to me like other things were involved in all of this ..What cost you $50,000 dollars was there a divorce involved in all of this? I recommend stay focused for your child, follow your court order, and until something happens that is a danger to your child things will not be revoked. I have searched high and low spent days at the law library doing research on my own without a lawyer, although things in every situation are very different if you stay strong things will work both for both mother and father. It seems stress is making this child sick and i think it may becoming from parents. On a personal note you have no clue what its like to have to explain to your children why they haven't seen there father or there father is not in there life, holidays come and go ,nothing there birthdays come and go, nothing no phone calls no contact at all. I am a mother that never kept these children from him and this is what he chose. Very sad and i am sorry to report my son would not even know his father if he knocked on my door today. Please for the sake of your child do not push your x away from your child let it go move on with your life and keep a bond for the sake of your child, he will thank you someday he needs both of you...I would like to hear from you so send me a personal message or email me at ____@____.com. Things will get better i promise.

Hi K.-

I am very sorry to hear that your son is sick. I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear, but I think that signals you are giving your son actually might be causing his reaction to the new schedule. Even if you aren’t saying or doing anything deliberately, he picks up on your emotions from the tone in your voice, the look on your face, even the fact that you aren’t saying anything POSITIVE about the new schedule. I know it seems totally counterintuitive, but if you said things like “isn’t it great? You get to spend a whole week with your dad playing baseball” (or whatever they do together), it might actually make a big difference (even though you don’t think it’s “great”).

Let me step back a little and tell you where I’m coming from. About two years ago, my stepdaughter’s mother just decided one day to pick up and move an hour away and switch to a school an hour away too. Because of how long it takes to go through court, there was nothing we could do to prevent this. Now, 2 years later, we finally just received our new schedule from court. The new schedule is that she will be with her father and me for most weekends and 2/3 of the summer, and with her mother Monday through Friday morning (so that she can stay in the same school without having the long drive). Now we both lost out big time----- her mother is loosing some major quality time and we are loosing going to school on a weekly basis. Even though we both lost something, her mother dealt with the situation in a TOTALLY different way than we did. Her mother said something to the effect of “this is awful, you have to go to your father’s house almost every weekend now” she also some how implied that this was something that my husband had caused or decided. So my stepdaughter (normally very well adjusted and loving) came home that weekend FURIOUS with us. She was convinced that this new schedule was our fault and said things like “I don’t want to come home every weekend”. We waited until she had calmed down quite a bit and then explained to her that this decision was not made by us and was not something we could control. We pointed out the positives of the new schedule-- that she doesn’t have to wake up early to drive an hour to school in the mornings anymore and that now when she comes home, we will be able to do fun stuff instead of getting school work done. Even though this is NOT what her father and I were feeling--- we are deeply saddened about not being involved during the week. It worked brilliantly!! She absolutely understood and was able to see why the judge had made this new schedule. She even seemed excited about being able to sleep in at her mom’s on the days that we had been waking up early for school.

She is 5, so she is fairly close to your son’s age. Though she is very smart, she definitely takes her cues from the adults in her life. The way we act (or don’t act) has a huge bearing on her moods and opinions. She isn’t old enough to be able to hear 2 biased opinions and be able to make her own separate decision, so she needs us to “spin” things for her in a positive light so that she can be happy and at peace with our situation.

I know that it’s hard (it was heartbreaking for me), but you really just have to pretend that this new schedule is great and that you are so excited for your son that he’s going to have a whole week to have fun at his dad’s house. He may say “aren’t you going to miss me mommy?” (my stepdaughter says this sometimes), but just say “of corse I’m going to miss you, but knowing that you are going to be having so much fun at your Dad’s house will make me feel all better!”

Sorry this is so long, hope it helps!