Help! My Son Doesn't Sleep or Eat

I am a mother of 2 1/2 year old boy/girl twins. While my daughter is the average child, my son has some issues. Since he was an infant, eating was a challenge. He would not latch on and breast feed. We had troubles finding nipples for bottles. He would spit up all the time, was a very picky eater, and would pocket food in his mouth but growing just fine. He too would just through everything on the floor and not eat. After many Dr.Apt. he has been diagnosed with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder). He does Occupational Therapy at has a home teacher through Birth to Three. Now he will pretty much only eat Carbs or "Brown" food. This typical of kids with SPD. SPD is a behavioral issue and is simular to Autism. Just wanted to share with you. Don't know if this will help, but might be someting you want to look into.

Good Luck!! :-) D.

I'd suggest you read My Child Won't Eat by Carlos Gonzalez.

I found this book useful when dealing with eating issues. Gonzales addresses the emotional part for the parents, the nutritional needs (though you may already have a good understanding of this) and actions to take to alleviate the problem.

http://www.powellbooks.com/biblio/62-9780912500997-0

Hi L.,

First off having a background doesn't mean you'll have the answers - you probably already know this so don't be hard on yourself thinking you should be able to snap your fingers and the answer will happen.

I had the sleep problems with my son. He would not, and I repeat, would not go to sleep unless he was on top of me with both my hand over the top of him. Even then most nights I had to hold him tight as he would still insist on screaming himself to sleep. Like an idiot I thought it was normal till my daughter came along and just slept. Something was off and I knew it...unfortunately I was with someone who didn't want to think there were problems with his son.

First off try giving him a little of your coffee in the morning (flavor it with some creamer) and see what happens. Does he get hyper or does it calm him? My son, who is autistic and probably ADHD, has to drink some coffee in the morning to keep calm and focused (small price for sanity). This can be indicitive of a couple of things: a sleeping disorder, ADHD, learning problems (sounds unrelated but it isn't), or sensitivity issues. The road to answers is long, sleepless, and rewarding.

I would highly recommend asking to see a different doctor (get recommendations on doctors open to behavorial issues from your friends - some believe medicating everything is the answer and some are open to real issues) for a behavorial appointment (must say behavorial appt - these are longer and more in depth). Many WIC offices have behavorial specialists that make home visits to observe your child in their own home to assess if something might need a little extra help (can be attained by calling your health dept.).

I have really been there...I am not saying your son is autistic, not that this is a bad thing because my son is so wonderful, but I am saying that even if they seem unrelated these two areas were areas we had the hardest time with my son (I am talking HOURS AND HOURS of screaming before falling to sleep only to wake up two hours later and repeat it all over). Food can be sensory, textures may bother him, which may require a nutritionalist. Try going back to baby food, only get a processor and cook everything - carrots, chicken, rice - blend it and see if he'll eat it then.

There really are answers, but I think a different doctor and some serious assessment will be the way to them. My son didn't get tested until he was three. He started sleeping through the night for the first time shortly after he started in a special school. He eats like a teenage boy (five bowls of cereal?!?!?). It was the best thing I ever did and I so wish I had done it earlier. If you ever want to email me for additional info or even support or ranting (I'm good for all!) my email is ____@____.com wishes!!

C.

L.-
It sounds like you are very committed to helping your son be successful.

I would support the previous poster's suggestion to check out OHSU. Specifically the OHSU Child Development and Rehibilitation Center

http://www.ohsu.edu/health/clinics-and-services/clinic.cf...

or Providence's Child Center.

http://www.providence.org/oregon/programs_and_services/ch...

I'm under the impression a more comprehensive evaluation is warranted. Perhaps a speech/language and sensory evaluation to assist with the food "issues"and perhaps also address some of the sleep disturbances. Just some thoughts....

HI L.,

I dont' have any advice but wanted to send you hugs and positive thoughts your way. You are a wonderful, nurturing, caring mother and you are doing a fantastic job trying to help your son. I wish you the best and that you (and he) get some relief soon. Good luck

A.

Hi L.,

I feel for you! I lived this life about 2 years ago. My daughter is now 3.5 but for the first 2 years of her life she did not sleep more than 2 to 4 hours at a time and wasn't a big eater (other than nursing). I actually nursed her until she was 29 months old as she was not the interested in food. She was (and still is) very attached to me and it's very hard sometimes. The good news is that it did get better. Around 19 months of age things started turning around and by age 2 she was sleeping through the night (she sleeps 10 to 11 hours now). But she sleeps with us still and I don't see that changing any year soon. but hey she's sleeping!! So that's all the counts now after 2 years of being sleep deprived it's wonderful even if she is on top of me.

Some things that helped with the whole meal thing was giving her stuff to dip in. We found that when we gave her any kind of food to keep her attention on eating we needed to give her fun stuff to play with. So dipping was the answer to that. Yogurt, apple sauce (even ketchup and mustard as she got older). We also found that making food more interesting helped her eat better. We would grate the cheese and that was more fun. Same thing with other foods. Also just leaving food around where she was playing helped us tremendously as she seemed to want to eat when she wanted to eat. (so we would leave little dishes of gold fish or veggie booty or apple pieces).This worked well to get some food in her.

She never liked to drink milk so I started mixing milk with flavoured Kefir (which you can buy any grocery store). The Kefir has some fat and helps with digestion as well.

We also went to a homeopath and she gave us some remedies to try to help stimulate appetite and I tend to believe they worked. But homeopathy is not for everyone but it works for us. I tend to believe it might have helped with the sleep too. If you're interested I can give you the contact info of the one I use. She's great.

Hang in there. I often wondered if the whole sleep thing for us was because our daughter was hungry or just too busy to sleep and she didn't want to miss a thing.

It was really interesting how at 19 months of age the eating started to improve and sleep was a wonderful thing at 2 years after having no sleep.

Good luck.

D.

Hey L.,

I'm sure there's lots of great advice here. I'm just wondering if you've ever had him checked for silent reflux or even aspirations. I'm sure you've already thought of this, but your son's situation sounds very similar to my son's and several other's situatons. They all had varying degrees of reflux and were aspirating. Does he have a lot of ear infections or sinus trouble? If you want to compare or want any more of the info. that I gathered when my little guy was tiny let me know.

D. Rylander

L.,
You are definitely exhausted and frustrated.

Does your son drink from a bottle? If yes or even no, I would suggest mixing up some Gerber cereal in the bottle. If he is weaned, try it for a little bit so at least he is eating something. Make it liquidy so that it is easy to suck out of the nipple. If you don't have bottles, I recommend the Playtex VentAire bottles with different stages of nipples. The warm cereal; if he will take it, will fill his tummy and keep him asleep longer from the carbs. Also, I have just began to give our boys DHA Junior by Nordic Naturals. They are gel filled balls that can be chewed or swallowed. You can even cut them open and put the oil in something. Our boys are ULTRA picky, and they like them. Ours are strawberry flavored. The DHA and Omega 3's are great for the brain and help to regulate the function. Our youngest has been going through bouts of nice one minute to SEVERE anger. He is 5 and this has been going on since he was 3yrs old. Our naturopathic doctor has give us this DHA and another supplement that is liquid with some protein in it to try out. So far, he has been amazing. He hasn't had any outbursts or Jeckyl/Hide moods. He has been able to focus more. Our oldest; 8yrs, who won't eat protein, just bread, cereal, crackers, etc. likes both. This is a complete miracle for us.

Dealing with a crying child who won't sleep is super difficult. Had I known about the DHA, I would have used it on our first son when he was little. His first year was a constant crying all night long; cholic. I was so tired and angry all the time.

We learn new things each day.
I wish you well and the best of luck with your little one.

Have you tested him for food allergies? The poor sleeping habits, the unwillingness to eat, and the eating of only small amounts when he does all sound like allergy "symptoms" to me.

My duaghter would not eat anything, would only nurse until she was one.(She was also not a terrific sleeper.) We thought it was "behavioral" as well. Turns out she had food allergies. With the exception of nuts (which is how we found out about the allergies in the first place:() none of the allergies were serious, but they obviously were enough to make a difference in her eating habits. She had slight sensitivities to wheat, dairy and soy. (These were tested at a certified Allergist, for all those sceptical of Eastern medicine) We kept her off those for ~ a year and it made all the difference in the world!

I say get yourself to a pediatric allergist! And get yourself some sleep.

Oh wow, I can only empathize with you and tell you that it will get better. Our son was much the same regarding sleeping and suddenly around 16 months, he started sleeping through the night, not looking to come in with me in the middle of the night or anything. That all happened when I was visiting my parents and we were sharing a room anyway. He was in a pack n play and I was in the bed next to him and it was always inevitable that he would come into bed with me in the middle of the night. We started by sitting with him until he fell asleep (the lights were on and I would sit on the bed and read a book until he was asleep) and then in the middle of the night, I would reassure him that I was there and wouldn't pick him up. It was hard at first, but it only took a few days. Maybe he was ready, though... This also coincided with his one-year-old molars finishing their long arrival. Once they were in fully, he slept better and ate better. I hope this will be the case for your son! I also hope he has cut his molars! If this isn't the problem maybe you should seek professional advice from your pediatrician or another doctor. We were on our way to a sleep clinic when my son suddenly started sleeping through the night... Unfortunately there's not much you can make a baby do! Hopefully you have some support and can get a break from it all now and again and do something for yourself!

I wonder if there is a pediatric behavioral specialist that you could consult. I'm guessing it would be a pediatric or child psychiatrist.

You must feel desperate. If your pediatrician is saying that it's behavioral based on his throwing food on the floor, I've not known a baby that age who doesn't throw food on the floor. That's part of the exploring his world. Perhaps there are other signs. Since he's saying it's behavorial what does he suggest?

I do know that there are both physical and emotional reasons for failure to thrive in a baby. Every once in awhile babies are born with "inadequate nerve connections." These words are not the scientific ones. I don't know what the conditions would be called in the medical world. I do know that I've seen several failure to thrive babies in the past years and frequently the failure was due to a neurological or physiological condition or in other words a medical condition. Perhaps you can find a specialist in that area.

Most of the babies I saw were evaluated and treated at OHSU. You might call their pediatric department.

This must be a great worry for you. There will be an answer somewhere. It's a matter of research such as you've done with this post.

Hi L.,
I was wondering if your son has been tested for Autism/Asperger's? The things you are describing are also symptoms of these two disorders. I would check into it. Try chicken nuggets, popcorn, mac and cheese, and top ramen for food items. I care for two boys with Asperger's and these are their favorite, sometimes only foods. One of the little boys when I started caring for him he was 2 and all he would eat was cooked top ramen, mac and cheese, and microwave popcorn. I am not a professional, but this does not sound like a behavior problem; it sounds like texture issues.
I want to wish you good luck. I hope that I have helped, maybe...
R.

MY son is 15 mos & it;s normal, not behavioral for them to throw food on the floor! He is what's called extremely high needs. This is okay, but you have to help nurture his needs & emotions or he will thrash out. High needs babies are even worse off when you let them cry it out. He's telling you when he lies on top of you that he needs to be really close to you. This won't be forever, but he will lwt you know when he is ready to sleep without you. THe other idea is that he could be allergic or in pain. You are feeding him diary with is a very high food allergen in babies. My little guy can't do dairy, he gets upset & gets dandruff all the sudden. But he also only eats hummus! I cant get his to eat anything else. But I know one day he will. Until then, I offer him new things all the time. You may want to get him checked out by a pediatrician. Dr. Kate Wigging has worked wonders with our littel guy, please give her a call, she does house calls! He may also do well with a homeopathic. If you need a good homeopath, please just ask, I know one that specializes in babies. Good luck & this too will pass.

My son had similar problems with his eating and elimination habits when he was around the same age as your son. I tried everything too and would run out and buy any product or idea that other people would recommend because I was desperate. I finally got recommended to a specialist that did biofeedback with him. The biofeedback specialist used signals from special monitoring equipment to control certain body functions, it's primarilly used for stress reduction, but working with my son he was able to allow his body to learn to control involuntary body functions, it helped with his digestion, mood swings, sleeping and being able to go potty on a regular basis. Now 7 years later, he's doing great and from being so impressed with the results I have became a specialist using biofeedback to help others in the meantime. Because of the results and experience I faced as a parent in this situation, this is what I found to help us! I hope you are able to find some answers and relief for him in your quest!

Sleeping on top of you is for heat and comfort. If he's had ear infections, the warmth of your body relieves the pain he's feeling. He knows what makes him feel good and not hurt... you can use a hot water bottle in a pillow case for him to lay on once he falls to sleep. A heating pad on very low heat might do wonders, try it. The baby needs some restful sleep.

Eating and drinking problems? At this point it sounds like you're just trying to get calories in. Milk or yogurt milkshakes in a cup with a curly straw. Something to amuse him and gets him to move the shake thru the curly straw. (Drinking thru straws helps with ear infections, it helps to clear them.) Pediasure used to make puddings or even ordinary puddings. Telling him No and giving him consequences for his behaviors even at 15 months is not harsh or out of bounds. Spank his hands when he throws food, tell him No. You can't deprive him of food. He's tired and frustrated and this might be one of the few ways he can express his pain and frustration. Continue to spoon feed him. Hide fruit like strawberries or raspberries in a mini bowl of yogurt. Pureed bananas, pot pies are tasty and you can mush them up once cooked. The flavors are more appealing. Small bagels for him to eat. Grazing is not the best habit to have, but at this point where he's not eating, a constant intake of minimal calories is better than not eating at all. Does he have a reflux issue?

I remember when I had our first child and our pediatrician asked me what I did when she threw a tantrum or just started crying out of frustration. I picked her up and loved her. Held her close and made her feel secure and safe, until she was able to control herself. It worked. Kids are learning boundaries and testing their limits from the moment they are born. Pick him up, snuggle him. Yes it can be very inconvienent, but he's only this little once and he wants to know that you'll be there. He doesn't have the verbal skills yet to tell you what he needs you to know. So make him comfortable. As our babies turn to toddlers, and then from toddlers to gregarious pre-schoolers and adolescents, to the teenage years and on to adulthood, they have this foundation of trust and dependability that they established when they were infants with us. They move thru these phases, testing their own abilities, overcoming their own fears because they have the security of Mom being there to catch them when they fall.

First off, all 15 month olds throw food on the floor.. I don't know why your doctor said that he has behavioral issues. You didn't mention, but is your child still breast-fed or on formula? It would be possible to get the majority of his nutrition from formula and this age, then you don't need to worry about how much regular food he's eating. I wouldn't do cow's milk as it's missing a lot of the essential nutrition that a human needs to grow. I've known many babies that weren't interested in eating at all until 12 months, then they still got most of their nutrition from breast-milk until they were 2.

It sounds like he needs lots of extra love right now. It's scary to be dropped off in a new place for hours a day. I would let him sleep right on you if it makes him comfortable.

Hey L.:

You sound like you have your hands full, but are a wonderful mom. You give me perspective as I feel like my daughter is very difficult...

Anyway, if you live in King County and suspect there might be some behavioral issues going on, look into having him assessed at Kindering Center (kindering.org) in Bellevue. Kindering Center offers a wonderful preschool program for children his age dealing with all sorts of issues (including eating and socialization). My son attended preschool there and did beautifully (he had some speech delays and is now thriving in a regular preschool). The teachers and therapists are wonderful and create a wonderful environment for the children there.

I wish you well. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Wow, you have a real stress situation going on here. Trust me, I know about kids who do not sleep, so I hope you won't think I'm just espousing advice from a pedestal, but here are my thoughts: When kids are this clingy, crying it out and trying to push them to independence often doesn't work. It makes them clingier instead because they are pleading for mom or dad to come back. It might feel like torture, but to get his trust back you should try for more holding time, cuddle time and sleeping-together time. But it sounds like you are sleeping with him most of the time anyway. Try checking for allergies or food sensitivities with a naturopath. And think about the issue of teething. Is he getting eye-teeth? Everyone says the eye-teeth are the worst (my kids had rough teething with every tooth, so I didn't differentiate). Good luck. My 2 year old still rarely sleeps 5 hours in a stretch. He wakes up 3-4 times a night and that is better than the 5-10 times a night he used to wake up... and lay on top of me... So, uh, it gets better eventually.

I absolutely feel your pain. Though i am a stay at home mom. We too have a tiny house and our son will not sleep in his own bed. If i even put him in his crib he screams. He will not "cry it out" he just KEEPS crying. I honestly have no advice for you i just wanted you to know i feel your pain! Good luck dear! Try to get some sleep! :)

HI
I am sorry to hear how much your struggling and can feel your frustration come though in your post. Sleeping is such a tough issue. I'm sure you've had lots of good ideas, I was just going to say is be consistent in what you do. Pick a method you feel might work and give it a week (at least) - consistently doing the same thing - no matter how hard you want to give in, stick with it. Its so hard, I know from experience to not just cave and do the easier way. We personally used the Baby Whisperer method of Pick Up Put Down and it worked wonders for us. You can google it or email me and I'll give you more detail. It wasn't easy but it worked much better than straight cry it out - as that just wasn't working for us.

As for food, having you tried feeding him outside the highchair. I assume your feeding him in a highchair. My daughter is a stubborn picky eater and it works to feed her in a "big girl" chair with me sitting beside her or just in a different spot to mix it up a bit. Also, she is really into having us put food into her own plastic bowl and her controlling it a bit. Of course there is mess and I'm right there with her to try and control mess - but it really helps to get her to eat a bit more. I'm not advocating letting your child run wild with food, just getting a bit more creative on where and letting him control a bit. And you probably also know this but keep introducing foods repeatedly. We have to introduce foods many times before our daughter will try it and its soooo frustrating but that is just her. This summer, I had to put out nectarine for 5 days in a row before she even put it in her mouth. AGHHGH - but she eventually gave it a chance.

Hang in there.... somehow it will get better.

L.,

Wow, this is rough!

I don't know if I have any advice for you or not, but I do feel your pain. Compared to my daughter, my son (who is my oldest) was a breeze.

She is 20 months old, has been in her terrible two's for about 4 months now and a times is nearly unbearable. Her sleep issues range from sleeping soundly all night to only sleeping if she's laying on me. There are the really bad nights when we try everything to get her to sleep, and she'll go to sleep as long as she's held, but as soon as we move to lay her down in her crib she starts screaming all over again. On those nights I take her into bed with me until she's snoring, then move her to her crib. If that doesn't work I'll let her sleep with me all night. This usually happens if she's teething or just not feeling well. Unfortunately, she is a Mommy's Girl to the bone and will flat refuse Daddy at these times. I can understand how frustrating sleep deprivation is.

As for crying it out, we use a modified version. When she gets put down and protests I give her 5 minutes to calm herself. If she's calming down by then I'll give her an additional 5 minutes. If she's still going strong at the end of the initial 5 minutes I go in and comfort her by picking her up and rocking with her in the rocking chair in her room. She's usually asleep without the help, but there are the nights where nothing works.

At this point I wouldn't let him cry for more than 20 minutes at most. I think he's going through some major separation anxiety and really needs the comfort of Mom and Dad to reassure him that everything is ok in his world. Start with that and see if some of his other issues resolve themselves.

As for the eating, all you can do is offer the food; it's his decision whether to eat or not. It takes offering the same food at least 10 times before he will decide if he likes the food or not. Keep trying. On the other hand, if he's close to failure to thrive I might consider getting a second opinion to rule out a medical reason. I know my family gets super cranky when they're hungry.

You're really in a tough situation, and I don't know if my long-winded reply is helpful at all, but at least you're not totally alone with what you are going through.

Apologetically (for length),
Melissa

I have been thinking about your letter. There are several ponts that jump out at me. I am concerned about your daycare. It would seem that with the schedule there, his eating and behavior would improve not worsen. You didn't mention his eating and behavior there. Second, I am very concerned about his doctor. Is this child over his ear infection, is he deaf, does he have reflux or food allergies , is their another undiagnosed medical problem. It would be my thought to have a second opinion. His extreme behavior is more of an older child if it is just spoiled.
I am a grandmother of 8. I am helping care for my daughter's 2 children who are 2 1/2 and 11 months. The 11 month old had such severe reflux that he clung to us and wouldn't let us put him down especially at night. Now that the reflux is under control with medication, we had to gradually move him to his own bed. We would lie on the floor with him in his room until he went to sleep and then leave with a gate in the doorway. At first it was a struggle but we were soon able to move him into his crib.
I hope you are able to find out what your chld's underlying problem is and get it corrected.

It sounds like you have a lot of experience and ideas to help with the eating....I don't know a lot about this, but I as a profession, I work with children, specializing in anxiety d/o. I don't know if you are aware of this, but it is not uncommon for children with anxiety or "sensitivities" to have behaviors that escalate with change (ie. daycare, mom back at work, ear infections, etc...). It is also pretty typical that with these kiddos that they will increase negative behaviors when their controlling behaviors (ie. wanting to sleep only with you, throwing food on the floor) are not allowed anymore, before they go away. They typically increase their behaviors in order to get you to change what you do and go back to the way they like it...it makes their anxiety go away. There is a lot of research out there that talks about how important it is to learn to sleep on their own.....a big reason is that it requires them to self soothe in order to go to sleep rather than you to do all the soothing for them. Since self soothing makes you feel better, it is an extremely important skill to learn and sleep is the guaranteed time of day where it has to happen. I would encourage you to pick a sleep plan that fits your family and what you are willing to do consistently. Stick with it.....the CIO method really does work, but you have to be willing to wait it out and for some kids this can be a while....most of the time when people say it did not work, it's because they either do not stay with it long enough or there is still a pay out the child is getting....if you try this method...be prepared that you may all have to go without sleep for a period of time in order for it to work....when you start a plan and change because their behavior gets worse, then it could actually cause it to get worse.....and make the next plan less likely to succeed. there is a ton of information out there about kids and anxiety...I wouuld encourage you to read some of it or work with a professional on ideas, because what you might do for an anxious kid may not be the same for others....good luck to you!

I used the baby whisperer technique. go to baby whisperer.com
Also the one thing I know for sure has worked for my daughter is consistency. It sounds like you are trying a lot of different things so maybe he doesn't know a routine. Try doing a bath, read a book and go to bed, same time every night in the same bed every night==maybe it's with you co sleeping . Then work on getting him in his own bed. But keep a consistent routine every night and that might help him get used to things. It sounds like he has a lot of separation anxiety, I know that is hard.
My daughter is a year and she sleeps through the night occasionally, we are co sleepers to. I call it co existing:)
Good luck and hang in there!

A couple of random ideas:

My son who was a picky (!) eater loved plain yogurt in bucket fulls (and ate only squash, applesauce, and yogurt), I had to introduce new foods by feeding them to him for a week. He learned for instance to love home made french fries (well drained--with the skins on) by feeding them every night for a week. He learned to love mash potatoes the same way, also scrambled eggs that way too.

My suggestion is to learn to not give in to the crying. Both your husband and you need to take some days off work when you can afford to loose sleep and just keep putting him back in bed. If he cries, ignore him, and stay in bed. If he comes to you put him back in bed.

If you give in once, he knows you will give in again, so he will cry harder the next time.

My daughter was breast fed. She was 10 lbs at birth. She was a very active baby. She rolled over at 2 weeks! And never stopped after that. At 6 months she was 13 lbs. So the doc suggested beginning to solids. She ate and ate---everything I gave her.... And at a year was 18 lbs. But she was so active!

I tell you this to suggest that your son might be spending his energy on activity rather than growth, as did my daughter.