Help; My Sister Has Me Perplexed

This is easy to resolve.
Stop keeping score.
Gifts are received best when they are accepted graciously and thankfully.
Gifts are given best when they are given from the heart and with love.
Like I said, stop keeping track.
The amount of money either of you makes is irrelevant.
Use the $50 as a guideline IF YOU WISH.

The fact that you have "so much less" is a fact of life, not a prescription for her behavior! Seriously, you need to let this go.

Do you call each other once a week? Do you e-mail her? Do you keep in touch on Twitter and Facebook? Contact is really important in keeping family functioning.

As far as you know she is better off financially than you are. She and her hubby may be going through a rough patch right now and don't want to say anything; hoping that everything will straighten out soon. I would just have the kids call or write and say thank you.

Seriously?! If this were my sister, and she said something to me about this..."I" would be irritated! She made the effort to get gift cards to you early...what is wrong with that? Some people don't "do" birthdays and special occasions as well as others. And the early gift cards were a big accomplishment for her because she did not want to forget again. If you want to ask her about her sons birthday, then DO. Don't duplicate her actions because you're not getting the same consideration. If you enjoy going to a specialty store to track down specific gifts, go for it...if you don't, then get a gift card. The fact that your kids have less has nothing to do with this, and there is no mends to be made.

She is your sister and probably has other things on her mind. I do not always send my nephews gifts but I do call. I would let it go and do what you can affoard. Is it honestly tit for tat in the gift world these days? Give a gift b/c you feel compelled to.

What's to resolve?

Monetary gifts are not requirements of any relationship. There ARE no rules.

Thank her for whatever she gives the kids, give HER kids whatever works for you.

Don't mention it. Just let it go. Is your relationship with your sister defined by who buys whom what?

Focus on the important things. Focus on the good stuff. Shrug and move on.

:)

I am sorry. I think you don't have anything to resolve. You need to get over this. How much she or her family has is not the issue and in a lifetime of sisterhood her overlooking your kids once could have been for any number or reasons. You never know what is going on inside another person's life. YOu have no way of knowing what stressors she is under or if she simply forgot.

Let it go. Envy is something I suffer from too and I know it is something that eats at you. Let it go.

You've set up an expectation for gifts--never a good idea. You need to let it go. If she makes six figures, she's probably really busy and forgot....but whatever the reason....Leave it alone. She doesn't owe you anything because she makes more or because you make less or because you have more kids.

I mean you're upset because she didn't send anything and then also because what she did send wasn't thoughtful enough? I know you think you have a lot on your plate but you don't know the extent of stuff she has on hers.

She doesn't need to make "amends". A gift is given freely. Otherwise, you should have said that you give each other "obligations".

You should be thoughtful and considerate of her son the same way you would no matter what...because that's YOU. If your intention is to send a nice gift to get THREE nice gifts in return then it's not really a true gift but kind of a setup.

One cannot measure love by whether or not one pays attention to birthdays or even the way in which they pay attention to birthdays.

Love means you can talk with each other. I suggest that you tell your sister how you feel using I statements. It sounds like you're concerned about the money but I'm guessing you really feel unloved by her lack of attention. Tell her so and ask to make an agreement on how to recognize birthdays. Be willing to compromise. Be willing to listen. Be adult in your manner. No whining or accusations.

Accept that she is doing the best that she can based on the information she has and give her more information on which to make decisions.

It seems like it is time to just let it be. If she is not doing it from the heart or you are complaining about A GIFT then it is time to stop. A gift is not about how much is spent or who has more to spend it is about giving becuase you care. At some point I remember my aunts/uncles stopped giving gifts because they have families of their own to focus on. If anyone is a godchild we always do Christmas gifts but that is about it.

You kind of sound ungreatful for what was given, you need to be a bigger person and let it go. Either A) keep sending a gift (maybe spend less & of your choice) or B) stop giving if you are going to get into comparing what you do and she does, what they get and what your child gets.

Life is busy, sure we should all make a little more time for each other, figure out the most thoughtful gift BUT people are not perfect and life gets the better of us sometime. It is not about what we actaully have, stop comparing, it is about showing someone you care and remembered them... a card can do the same thing.

C.,

It seems like you and your sister have a " I'll give a gift to get a gift back" relationship. Isn't the point of giving to want to give? To have the person love the gift etc. and the thoughtfulness of it count? I personally think you shouldn't bring this up with your sister at all. Let it be. Let it go. Its unfortunate that she forgot or chose not to send something--but you can't "make" someone give your child a gift just because you gave their child something. It needs to come from the heart. If thats not where she is at, then she's just not there. Bringing this up will only separate your relationship and make it strained. I would seriously let it go and forgive her. If you want to speak with her about how you feel in regards to her forgetting about your kids---you can do this. Use "I" statements and tell her from your perspective how it makes you feel when she says/does-x, y,z. Ask her how she wants your relationship to be. Does she want to be closer? What does she want to gain from this experience and going forward etc. Hope this helps! Hang in there~

M

Is there really anything to resolve? First, it sounds like you are giving gifts to your nephew solely to get gifts for your sons. I hope this is not the case and just something being lost through the translation of the internet. You have no clue what your sister was going through last year. It's possible they had a financial hardship that you didn't know about and she simply couldn't give a gift. It happens. Even to people who make six figures. Maybe she was embarrassed. It is also possible that she simply forgot. That happens as well. My SIL forgot both of my children's birthdays this year. It wasn't some intentional act, merely a slip up. They wound up getting birthday presents months past their birthday, simply because she forgot. She also failed to say much until recently, because she was so incredibly embarrassed about forgetting. She still feels bad about the slip up. If your sister forgot last year, I am sure the double gift was an attempt to make sure they knew she was thinking of their birthdays. And while some think gift cards are unthoughtful, others, especially kids, love them. Maybe she thought your sons would have more fun choosing their own gifts. Why on earth would you punish your nephew for something your sister did?? Make sure your kids thank her, buy your nephew his gift and let this go!

All I know is that I have so much family that live so far away from me it's almost humanly impossible to get everything for everyone as I wish I could AND on time, no less.
Thankfully, they forgive me because it's not ever intended in a slighting manner.
I'm a single mom, days fly by, it is what it is. I give myself more guilt over it than anyone else does.
My family knows I love them and if I flub once in a while, they know it's not intentional.
Also, no offense, I NEVER "hint" what I or my kids want. Not ever. Even if my kids and I are directly asked, we have a hard time saying what we specifically want.
We're just that way.

Again, no offense, but I think you are thinking of this from the standpoint that her kids have so much more than yours that she should be lavishing gifts upon your children.

Gifts are gifts.
They shouldn't be based on expectations or who has more money or who did what for who a year or so ago.
It doesn't seem to me that your sister has completely "forgotten" your children all together.

Many, many people send gift cards nowadays so that the kids can get what they want. With their parents permission. Especially if they live far away.

I don't think you should get worked up over this. YOUR expectations of what your sister will or might or might not do for your kids shouldn't put a crimp in how your kids birthdays go.

That's just my opinion.

Best wishes.

I would let this go. Gifts are just that and are not to be expected in spite of past traditions. There is no guarantee of any gifts in life and you should always be thankful for the ones you get, even if they're not what you feel you want. You appear to be really caught up on how much more your sister's family has and that should be your cue to stop the whole process on your end at least. If you're complaining about them having more why give them more? Instead you could do for you and yours. Not saying that's the best thing to do but rather that it seems as if you're offended because someone didn't behave in a way you find to be correct. So your sister didn't send them anything last year, whoops? Mistakes happen and there's really no need to harp on past misgivings.

The giftcards are for their bdays?

To me that sounds like the BEST kind of amends.

She realized last year she screwed up, so THIS year she changed how she did things. She made sure that they get their bday presents, by sending them with the xmas presents!!!

"Sorry" doesn't mean a lot to me these days. I've had faaaaaaar too many "Sorrys" in my life that are just words with no action.

My family does the "money" gamut. Not top 3%, but the 10% below (multi-millionaires) on down to a govt. paycheck of 12k a year for enlisted military. The wealthy in my family are VERY careful to never, never, never NEVER "out do the parents". Whatever they send is in line with, but below the level, that the children's families are able to provide for them themselves.

Just something to consider.

I love all my nieces & my nephews. I don't usually send them gifts. There's no deeper meaning behind that and it's no reflection on my love for them or my relationship with their parents.

Gift games aren't any fun to play. Let it go. If you and your family WANT to get a gift for your nephew, get a gift. If you don't WANT to do it for him, don't. Don't make it about doing what your sister does.

Sounds like she already got your sons a birthday gift in the form of a gift card. I don't know why you have a problem with this. Maybe she couldn't do anything last year and was embarrassed. Maybe she's tired of you only thinking about material things and not caring about what is happening in her life.

Let it go. To do anything else is petty.

I bet she KNOWS she forgot your kids last year and feeels bad/embarrased, which is WHY she sent the gift cards with the Christmas stuff-- so she wouldn't forget again!

We don't buy stuff for each other or each other's kids but if we did you better believe I'd be the queen of the gift card. It's the gift I MOST love GETTING so it's what I tend to GIVE too.....it's the gift of CHOICE and I don't have to find time to shop for it or figure out how to wrap it!

This one is hard and I totally understand where you are coming from since my brother (my only sibling) does similar things. Basically, he forgets my children's birthdays constantly! Three years in a row he forgot them so I started to remind him a week in advance - he still forgot. Cool huh? The worst part is he has on step son and none of his own, I do not care for the kids much but ALWAYS get him a nice gift and call on his birthday. When my brother does finally pull his head out, he either promises to make it up to my kids, says he will take them somewhere or get them a gift. He rarely follows through and when he does he gets a little cheapo gift ($5 or less, dollar store item one year) while his wife brags about how they spent $1000 on her kid's b-day.

Whew! I never actually got that all out, your post now became my sounding board - sorry. Basically, what I have done is let it go. I did go off on my brother about it one time and realized it got me nowhere and my mother was devastated. I finally realized that it is about the kids. I choose to give his step son a nice gift and I leave it at that. It is selfish and against the whole reason of giving to hold a checklist and expectation on return of a gift. I really wish he would dedicate to my kids just a bit, but the reality is that I cannot expect what I know I will not get out of him. It's undo aggravation. My kids need nothing, they still love their uncle, and I teach them to appreciate the person and move on.

I am not going to lie, this situation is taking the high road and nearly impossible sometimes to pull it off, but it is worth it to me.

Agree to not get each others kids gifts, or only for certain occassions.

Her financial situation is none of your concern. And vis-versa.

Everything else is about YOUR expectations, YOUR feelings, YOUR sense of entitlement.

okay, so she made a mistake....one time. Let it go.

okay, so she was a little nonpersonal this time around....let it go.

You have one method of approach & delivery.....she is developing another. As adults, we have that option!

Please rejoice & love your sister as the person she is.....not the person you remember her being. Life's events alter all of us.

This is not about income levels, nor the # of kids you each have. It's also not about judging loved ones' actions. Gift giving should be from the heart, as your gifts are....but not all of us see that equally.

Let it go. Last year could have been hard for her. She might not tell you about it. Maybe her six figures are over spent or mortgaged out the teeth. Or she might save her six figures sometimes. How amazing I always notice the poorer people are the most generous. But we only have one family and sometimes some are not as nice as you are.

STOP KEEPING SCORE! That is petty and childish. She might be overwhelmed at work or busy-at least she sent something and even if she didn't so what? What are you going to do? Even if she sent you a vacuum cleaner for them you should accept all gifts with a smile(graciously) and with thanks!

I don't think there is one correct answer for everyone, but there are correct principles that always apply. The guiding principle in all relationships is to do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

There are many kinds of poverty. Some of us perceive that we lack money, with others it may be time, energy, or emotional depletion. As I got closer to menopause I experienced brain fog like never before. Things would slip by and I wouldn't even notice. Then, when I would remember I was sometimes so embarrassed I could not even bring myself to apologize because in my mind it had been so long that I felt it might be more rude to bring it up so far down the road.

So, in my case, I would have loved it if someone had noticed that I was behaving out-of-charater and just said something kind rather than to allow resentments, doubts, and judgmental assumptions fester. If I had forgotten a birthday, I would have loved it if someone just said, "I noticed that you seemed overwhelmed and missed out on our birthday celebration. I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. If you wanted to set up a cut-off age for birthday gifting for nieces and nephews we can talk about that so no one has to feel uncomfortable. We just wanted you to know that YOU were missed, that we love you, and wanted to know that you're okay." So, if that is what I would like someone to do for me, then that is exactly what I should do.

So, put yourself in your sister's position and think about kindly, candidly, and lovingly you would like to be treated. That is where you will find your answer.

I know a lot of people called your issue petty. Your issue is about your relationship with your sister and about your children feeling loved and respected by their aunt & uncle. These are not petty considerations. These are very important issues. But, there are many people struggling with the economy, are working two jobs and still falling into debt or losing their homes. It would be difficult for many people to set aside their children needing shoes and groceries to discuss comfortable and well fed children missing a $50 gift cards or an item from the Smithsonian. I am glad that you are comfortable enough to be able to give so much attention to these relationships. This is a good thing. But, it is also good to keep in mind that this is an open forum and that we are talking to people in many different situations.

Sounds like you're keeping score...I wouldn't advise continuing that pattern if you want to maintain a relationship with your sister. Let it go.

C.:

I think you are making a bigger deal out of this than you need to.

NO ONE, even grandparents, is obligated to send birthday cards and presents. Yes, we love it - but in reality - it's not an requirement.

Instead of giving hints. Just tell her. It drives me nuts when people hint instead of just coming out and saying what is on their mind. Don't play that game. Just tell her what you are thinking.

Don't assume that because they make more money than you that they are doing better. They might not know how to handle finances and just might be worse off than you are.

She could also be VERY busy and doesn't have a family calendar that reminds her of important dates. So instead of assuming and guessing - just come out and talk to her. Clear the air and get it over with. Makes life much easier when you COMMUNICATE instead of hint.

I have a similar situation except it has to do with my mom...my brother makes 6 figures and his wife works becuase she is bored otherwise...my husband has a full time job and a part time job and I have two part time jobs and we barely pull in 50K. They have one child and we have two. They are conatantly asking us to help my mom out or telling us they paid for this or that then we should pay for this this and that since they paid for this. Thing is...we are just making it. We are trying to get out of debt and they have no debt. Every cent we have goes to paying bills and paying debt or paying for our teenage girls. It is very fustrating for us. I love my brother, however, he is quite annoying about this. We tell him we can help when we can and leave it at that.
My advise to you is just let it slide. If last year was the first year she forgot then let it go. You may not know the whole story. Something could have happened around that time that she didn't tell you about or doesn't want to mention. Don't let something as petty as gift giving come between you. Keep quiet and have your kiddos write thank you cards.
Good luck and God Bless.

You want to resolve it? It's easy, resolve to let it go & move on.

On what planet is it okay to remind someone that they forgot to get someone a gift? Last time I checked, gifts should not be an expectation, but a nice surprise. Are your kids going to perish without these gifts? Do you really want to to teach them that the "stuff" matters more than anything else? I hate to say it, but you're coming off as really superficial & petty.

You may think she is well off & not struggling, but you don't know the whole picture. People tend to only share the good & not the bad. Maybe she was busy, or having marital issues, or money issues.

Bottom line, it was a one time, instance that was uncharacteristic of your sister. You are keeping score - what in heck is the point in that? Lighten up.

You live in different states and you assume that your sister is doing well, that doesn't make it so. There may be something going on with her finances that you are totally unaware of. Don't presume until you are in her shoes. Also, if it's not a big deal why are you keeping track? If it truly isn't a big deal let it go, if it is a big deal then talk to her about it, keeping it inside brooding about it will just make it worse. Your choice is pretty plain ~ talk to her or drop it!

I say let it go. Gifts should come from the kindness of your heart and only be given if you truly WANT to give them. If you are keeping track of what your sister does and are basing your gift giving to her son on THAT, then don't even bother giving your nephew a gift. You're doing it for the wrong reason.