Help My Mom Is Driving Me Crazy

I find it very strange, and alarming, that they would question the baby about being mistreated...that's just plain and simple a weird thing to say...even to an infant who doesn't know what they are saying to him.

I think this has trouble written all over it...maybe you need to find another reliable sitter...maybe a friend or a friend of a friend...someone you feel comfortable with.

Best wishes to you.

Hi M., Wow, that is rough. I still think you have to make it clear that you are not happy with their comments. I don't know your mom and gramma and I know most people think they are entitled just because of their age. I was also raised to respect my elders but not when their comments could be so damaging. I will pray that you find the words to straighten this out. Would they agree to a meeting with you and your hubby? I don't think all people realize what our words mean to the children and how they can hurt in the long run. Only through my years of working in education and with psychologists did I realize that baby hangs on our facial expression and can get stressed if we are not smiling. I realize sometimes we are angry but in general the baby looks to your face for comfort and also to your words and tone of voice. My best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi M.,

It's great that you have family to watch your baby, especially if it's saving you money, but sometimes conflicts do arise, and you need to ask yourself if it's worth the cost savings.
When we work, there will be milestones that we miss, it's a fact of life. You might say to your mom that while you realize she may be seeing some of the firsts, you would rather that she not tell you about them ... or you could decide not to let it bother you and consider your first time seeing it, the first time.

Sometimes grandparents make dumb comments that they think are funny. While grandma may think she's kidding around or being cute when she asks the baby if mommy and daddy are mistreating him, tell her that you and dad find it offensive. When my daughter was a baby, my MIL used to make comments like "You'll be finding her picture on the milk container" - suggesting that given the chance, she'd disappear with my child. Did I think she'd really do that? No. Does your mother really think you're mistreating your baby? No. But they dont' realize that these comments can be taken in a way that is not cute or funny

Let them know although you are very appreciative of their help and support. You dont like the additional comments and criticsm. As new parents people including family make you seem like your the dumbest people on the planet, but let's remember they also at one time was a first time parent too. Say it simple, right after you hear a comment that makes you feel some kind of way, not sharp, repeat the comment and say "When you say things like that it makes me feel ___________, I want to hear your advice, I like when you show me something that helps me and my son out. We all want the best for him but comments dont help me out it brings me down". Believe me I'm sharp, tongue wise- My mom once said if I were you I would name my daughter ____, so I said your not me and this child has one mommy and one daddy and we like this name...Thank You! Still love her but we have to recognize where we stand, I'm the parent she's Grandma!

Hi M.,
I kind of went thru this w/ my 1st child with my MIL. When you have your first baby you cherish everything they do and want to keep them to yourself, unfortunately some of us must work and leave our children in the care of others, you are lucky you have family. Speaking for myself, these comments bothered me out of jealousy and insecurity, I was jealous that I wasn't able to be home w/my baby all day and insecure that my MIL was getting to teach my baby things I wanted to and I was missing out, it caused alot of resentment towards my MIL as I felt I was competeing with her as well. I never said anything to her b/c I felt it would show my insecurity. So, I dealt w/it and eventually I did get over it and have a great relationship w/her now. I'm sorry I don't have any advice re:confronting your mom since I never did, but thought I would share why I felt the same way you do,b/c when I went thru it I felt like I was being ridiculous. Since it is your mom and not your MIL, have you tried being totally upfront and honest w/her about her comments? I always found it easier to be more direct w/my own mom. As for her comments about you and your husband "mistreating" your child, that is just plain unacceptable to say and I would let her know that. I sympathize w/how you feel. I hope it gets better.

Make a list of all the things Mom says and does that drive you and your husband crazy. Also make a list of everything she does that you appreciate. Then re-read both lists when you aren't agitated and annoyed with her. See if there is anything you would like to add or remove from both lists. If so make your changes on the lists and re-write both lists.
Maybe this will help you to decided what is really emportant vs. what you can live with. My point is no one is perfect...not even Mom's. In her heart she is there to help you and probably doesn't realize she's being hurtful and annoying. And even realizing that, you still need to confront her with the stuff that is really driving you nuts or hurting you. It is best to communicate with her.

Sit Mom down alone and discuss everything on both lists with her. Start with the list of everything that drives you crazy....Give her the list and tell her all of it hurts your feelings and ask her if their is any special reason for it and if it's possible to fix it. Listen to what she says, don't argue, don't defend, just listen, let her express what she feels. Maybe when she's done talking, you might realize a few things yourself that you weren't aware off that might be helpful for the situation. Anyway before the talk ends, show her the list of everything you appreciate that she does, and thank her and give her a hug.

Maybe she will express some things that are bothing her and that might clear the air for her and you as well, making things better....or not. Maybe her first reaction will be to get up and leave... But hopefully it might get her to think about her behavior and make some changes. Give her a little time and see what happens. If not then you need to find yourself a sitter and know that you have tried....

Sit them down and tell them that if they can't control their tongues, Baby is going to daycare. I know it is expensive, but if your family watching is son is going to destroy your relationship, then that is even more expensive.

Wow! You could be describing my mom, so I feel your pain! When it's my son doing something good then she acts as though it's because of her, and if he does something bad it because of me, my husband or his sisters. I have tried talking to her...it didn't work, she got defensive, angry, said that I was not appreciating her. I wish I had some great advise for you. I have learned to appreciate the fact that he gets to have a good relationship with her, and that I get some free daycare. My son is now 4, so he goes to a daycare 3 times a week that has preschool, that has helped the issue a little bit. My sisters enourage me to let it roll of my back, that she does not really mean it how it comes out and remind me of the life she had (it was not easy) and that in some ways she lives vicariously through her children. My mom did this with both of my sisters too. My mother even did the "is mommy mistreating or being mean to you" too. I would just say back " no meaner than grandma was to mommy, that's where mommy learned it from" I make sure my tone matches hers, so if she takes offense I can put it right back on her. What drives me crazy is when grandma tells me "he can't always have what he wants" but if you try to draw that line around her...god forbid...what she really means is that she wants to decide what he can and can't have. My son gets cookies and m&m's all the time at her house without healthy stuff too...again, I remind myself that a good relationship with grandma is important for kdis and try to find that balance at home. If you find a great way of getting them to back off, then great, but if not, just try to ignore what you don't like and remind yourself of what you do appreciate. And know you are not alone!

Hi M.,

It sounds like you just want to get what you want and won't take anything from them. Relationship is always two ways. The fact is they watch your baby while you both work, right? If you don't want to hear anything from them, you'd better find baby sitter and pay them money. But I don't know if you can find anybody better than them who you can trust and who love your baby. I think you're taking it granted of your family. They don't have to do if they don't want to but they do because they love you and your baby. Even my mother in law who didn't really help me that much always bugged me what I should do to take care of my baby. Probably they're spending more time with your baby than you.

I am sorry that your mom is doing this and you haveto say, mom, I love you and it's wonderful to have a mom who can babysit, but I am serious about that the fact that you are hurting us and upsetting us saying things like "is mommy and daddy mistreating you?" We don't mistreat our baby and someone will hear you and take that to be the truth, and get us in trouble. Do you think or feel that we are? Put the ball in her court, but it may haveto come down to the fact that she can't babysit. I hate to see that. I don't work because I don't trust people out there and yes, it's difficult financially. I am not going to work and give the daycare all my money when I can stay at home and do with less but we are never hungry and we always have clean clothes and no hole shoes and clothes for our boys. We have three boys because they will grow up quickly, you'd want to stay home and it will give you the chance to see wonderul things that your baby does. It bothers you because it's the mother's joy to see her own baby doing those first time things and I am sure your mother is great, but you haveto let her know. Because your hubby is upset and he has every right to be. You may want to talk with your man and discuss the possiblity of not working and getting the chance to see your child do first time things and also, you don't want her to get way out of control with caring for your child. You have the right to feel that it bothers you and think or how you would want your child to say to you nicely to stop doing those things and take it from there. Probably no matter how nicely you put it, she may be offended anyways and don't, please don't be guilty if you said it nicely. Or she may not take it seriously still and you just need to be strong and stand on your feet. I will be praying for you and hopefully I haven't said anything that is wrong for you and your family. Oh, by the way, my oldest son is 3 1/2 years old and he was 35 weeks early and he is healthy and strong and started walking at 10 1/2 months. Just keep loving your baby and caring for him and do things with him with your hubby too.

i have read a couple times about the grandparents saying the baby already did those "firsts". i think its mean imo. as a mother, when i have grandchildren, i think i might even not say anything if i was there with the first step or word just because it might hurt my daughter to have missed it. but, it seems like some people just dont get it. yes its a competition, and they are trying to be the "favorite". i have no advice to change this.
as for the other comment, that is some thing that needs to be stopped immediately. as your child grows, he might develop an understanding that, yes maybe mommy and daddy do mistreat me. spending all that time with your mother, she will have a great influence. it might be her intention, or she may not realize the impact, but those comments on a daily basis could have your child develop a fear of you and your husband, and choose her to be his protector. she is instilling a thought in him that he otherwise would never even think of. from the outside looking in, that comment is very disturbing. i mean, if it was said one time as a joke and actually fit into the ongoing conversation, fine. but if she has said this more than one time, you need to address it. remember, you are an adult, and you are the parent. this type of control is going to keep going and going. you need to stop it now or you will find yourself in a difficult position in the future. when you and your mother are in a room, your son needs to ask you for a cookie, he needs to ask you if he can play, ect.
i knwo you dont want to hear this, but if that comment continues, you should really try to find other child care. maybe if she is told that will happen, she will back off. dont worry about being nice, thats the problem. being nice is not making them think its a big deal. you need to be stern. i know my husband and i both would have a fit if anyone said that to our baby. good luck to you, remember, you are an adult, but they may still be seeing you as a child.

Dear M.,

It sounds like your mother and grandmother are judgmental about you working and leaving your son with them, even though they are extremely supportive at the same time. They are doing an amazing job with their support.

I went through a lot of wierd dynamics with my mom when my children were born. there are a few good books out there about mother-daughter relationships that you can check out on Amazon. anyway,there is no real way to straighten them out except by saying the whole truth about how you feel (you can also put it in writing). To which, they will probably tell you not to feel that way. Also think about your own feelings of guilt for not being around. Because whenever you point a finger, three are pointing right back at you. So it is really important to figure out what is going on with yourself.

Recognize that they are limited in this respect, and that you love them. They are loving your child and caring for him when a lot of grandmothers and great grandmothers would not be doing that job. They love you and don't mean to get a rise out of you. They may have some envy about how you turned out. From understanding what is really going on compassion can grow from that.

There can be so much garbage interwoven in loving relationships, so it is important to acknowledge it and try to weed out what is possible but let it go when you can't get to it.

I think when you stop feeling guilty, you will no longer care what they say because what they are saying are just statements of facts. As to the question of whether "mummy and daddy are mistreating you?" that simply has to stop, and it is not a joke. While they are entitled to "spoil" him and it is your role to discipline him, it is not right for them to set up your son to take your discipline as mistreatment. They have to stop saying that, and I would correct them each time by explaining how they are misdirecting your son. To this they will probably say that you take things too seriously. But as mother, it is your right and they will recognize it (even if it is subconscious).

I hope my take on the matter was helpful. Good luck with everything.

Ana M

I am an older woman. I have a 22 yr. old son, a 21 step-daughter (she just informed us that my husband is going to be a grandpa). Then there ours...a 9yr.old girl and a 11 yr. old son. Sounds like mom and grandma spend more time with Bruce.
That can cause some guilt issues. Your not saying, but I think
Bruce might be the first grandchild in your family? I don't think they mean any ill will. You...not your husband need to sit down with these women. Let them know how grateful you are.
But you need some ground rules. Because Bruce will keep growing...and you don't want him hearing that. It's great that
you have such a support of family. Remember, everyone doesn't live forever....and you can't take back yesterdays.
There era was a different time. And if he was alittle older, I would suggest alittle less time with them watching him. There are pro's and cons with that. Can you or dad cut back hrs. at work? It's hard. You have to realize once Bruce starts to walk ...is your mom and grandmom going to be able to deal with that? It is going to be alittle harder...for them to keep up with him! No...unfortunely, there is no real easy way.
Good luck,
J.