Help! My Husband Is a "Matyr"!

Sounds like you both play the martyr:

"I do EVERYTHING except mow the lawn and change the filters. Sometimes I'm actually jealous that he does so many fun things without me."

And a little bit of victim:

"I'm actually kind of lonely at times for adult companionship but my friends are busy with their families much of the times when my husband is out"

Marriage doesn't have a scorecard. It's not 50/50. It's 100/100. You give 100% and he does. Sometimes we can't - for a variety of reasons, and that's when my 100% covers a lot more of the housework, or packing, or whatever.

It's great that you have the martyr/victim terminology and hopefully some insight into scripts (the scripts we all "read" from like actors in a play).

I highly suggest marriage counseling. Sounds like there are some communication issues...

I wish you guys the best! Marriage counseling was one of the best things that happened to me - really gave me insight into myself. :)

Sounds like you need to sit down with him and have a talk and let him know you need some you time. Don't let him make you feel guilty for wanting to get out. Just tell him this is his specail time with his son.

He is not being a martyr as much as he is an emotional abuser. He doesn't care if you are lonly, stressed, or angry as long as he gets to do what he wants when he wants he's happy. He's a narcissist ---- only cares about himself.

If you want this marriage to continue you need to get into counseling. Couples counseling would be the best idea but since he's happy he won't go --- it's not his problem ---- is all your problem.

your dh is in need of some swift and stringent re-eddication. i'm not sure how i'd go about it in a case as ridiculous as your husband's, but i don't think i'd be particularly gentle about it. a 9 year old can live without you for a few hours (or days) and so can your husband.
i suggest immersion training. get out of dodge and MAKE them cope.
and have fun while you do it.
hmph.
khairete
S.

My therapists told me something that struck a cord.......Men will almost always just do want they want to do yet for some reason Women seek approval or permission, diretly or indirectly, in order to do something for themselves......why don;t we just do want we want to do.
Sounds like your marriage needs some renegotiating.........not sure if you are at a point where you can sit him down and say....this is NOT working out. We need to divide responsibilites and have somewhat equal "me time". If he feels you have got it so good then you can start working and he can be a stay at home dad. Be honest and tell him that going to games and watching TV is not working. The current arrangement is not fair. Tell your son you love him....and try to do things for yourself when he is at school. Your son need a good example of a women's role so he doesn;t grow up thinking that all women are to men is a means to take care of everything so they can have fun.
If they call you while you are out....don;t pickup the phone or pick it up and say "you know I love you too and I miss you too but Mommy needs to do her things so she can be happy just like you go on playdates and spend time with your friends"
It would be great if you could get back in the work force - maybe hard on the child to begin with but ultimately life forms its rhythym and it is indeed the quality and not quantity of time you spend that matters..........having a job with also give you some independence in case you have to threaten your husband with moving out - sometimes it takes a bit of a shake up for the other person to realzie that they have got it really good and not to take you for granted....
Good Luck!!!!!

They can't make you feel guilty without your permission.
When he goes out on a sports night with the boss, hire a sitter and don't cancel your plans.
When you go out, tell them to text you, not call you, and you can check your messages when you get a chance or turn off your phone.
When he says "I work so hard!", you say "Absolutely!".
When he says "I don't know how I do it!", you say "I don't know how you do it either!".
His boss sounds like he's taking up a good portion of your husbands non working hours, but your husband is happy to be 'dating' him.
Seeing as your Hubby has a companion, he really needs to figure out who he's married to.
Some marriages break up over stuff like this.
You might be happier going back to work and re-establishing some of your independence.
There are plenty of families where both parents work, the kids are in school or day care, and it all works out fine.
If you are unhappy - make a change.

I agree with Reverend Ruby. His behavior is obnoxious and controlling, and your son will learn "how to be a man" from him. Get some counseling for yourself, and if you can get couples counseling, go for it (I doubt he'll think there's a problem). Good luck!

Well he's not a Martyr. He is a selfish man.
Who thinks that you do nothing and he does everything. And he thinks you can't even have a normal life with going out or having friends. And makes you feel guilty about NORMAL things, in front of your son.
He is a Chauvanist and is derogatory about what you do.

And as the other responder said below, he is indirectly "teaching" your son... that this is what a "Man" is.
There is no respect... toward you from your Husband.
AND the thing is, your Husband has the attitude that HE does not have to do child rearing or spending time with them, or be with them.
And even when you are out, he calls you to tell you to come home.
Geez, what a baby, but he is an adult, and a parent.

Your Husband goes out and does things for himself.
But what does he do for you?
Being a Husband, means taking care of his Wife too and being a Dad and doing upkeep of the home and chores too.
It doesn't matter who works or not or who does it more.
That is childish.
BOTH Spouses, are responsible for the home and the children.
It is his house too and his child, too.

He really seems so disrespectful to you and that, is the problem.
And all he does, is watch tv and go out and then complains about it.
He is a complainer and a selfish man.

I would be irked and tell him.
And don't let him, put you down.

I'd be telling my hubby he needs a full time job and once he works a 40 hour week, we can talk about being tired and everything he does.

I also would not have cancelled my plans because he wanted to go to [another] ball game, I don't care who he's going with. He can't be fired for not going to a baseball game with the boss. And who knows, the boss might have given him a kudo for cancelling on him so he could stay home with his son.

Pretty much I'd just tell my hubby that when he needs to make those comments, he should go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and tell them to the guy staring back at him b/c he's the ONLY person who believes it! Tell him that when you actually see him working hard, you'll let him know that he can now make his comments to you!

I joined a "moms playgroup" through Meetup.com and it had helped out tremendously. Honestly the friendships and social interactions I have there have "saved" me numerous times from a complete mental breakdown. I can completely understand how you feel because I do most everything at my home as well, besides the yard work and "man" house maintenace - stuff too high for me to get to with ladders and electrical issues. I feel your pain on the canceling with friends, i have done that as well, and it just makes it that much worse. Moms need time to themselves just to breathe, talk about us for a change and feel validated and appreciated. Hang in there and try to make little changes towards doing things for yourself. If you have to make a "regular" mom's night out with friends same time day each month or every other week, this way if he knows in advance when you have your scheduled "me" time, it won't be as debatable. What's one night a month really? Good luck! I wish you the best! hugs xo

Since your husband seems to have no perception of reality, what about writing out a few days or a week's schedule to show him what you did and what he did. Whenever my husband and I would argue about who was doing more, I of course was always right :) but I'd prove it by writing down what happened during the day hour by hour. Sometimes showing them on paper is something they can't argue with. Maybe this will open his eyes some. And then if he tries to guilt you if you go out, walk away. If he sees on paper that you have very little personal time while he spends 6 hours a day watchign TV and 24 hours on a weekend going to see a baseball game out of town and still doesn't change, I'd say it's time for a third party to convince him too. Do you ever talk to him about it all?

Wow, my total, absolute sympathies. That would drive me nuts beyond belief.

I don't really have advice on this -- I so wish I did -- but my thought is that maybe, deep inside, your husband knows he's not really working day in and day out, so he's cooking up this big martyr act because he's in denial. That or maybe he was raised in a sports-obsessed household where the boys/men were babied -- so he grew up thinking his real vocation was to be a sports fan, and anything else (work, family, etc.) just gets in the way.

Either way, I'm sorry! My husband IS a complainer -- "Poor little me. I have a slight sore throat. I called in sick and am going to sleep for the entire day" -- but he works hard and is good about house and kid stuff. So I haven't been in your shoes. Sorry!

Please plan a girls' night out with a friend or two. If your husband comes up with a reason why he can't watch your son, then get a babysitter. We all need adult conversation sometimes. I go to dinner with 2 girl friends once every month or 6 weeks, and it really helps.

I personally think that your husband should watch your son while you go. But if he won't, find another way to do it.

Dadonpurpose doesn't realize that some guys really are like that.

Plan your evenings out and stick to them. If your husband is trying to guilt you, tell him firmly in no uncertain terms, "I work hard, I deserve to go out." Don't argue with him, just tell him to stop complaining.

Since I know the power of mirroring, I suggest when he complains about how hard he works, tell him, "Yes you do." But when he gives you grief, make him stop, instantly. If you don't do this, your resentment of his selfishness will have long-term consequences. I know.

My hubby didn't think much of what I do until he watched the kids, did absolutely everything for them (1 and 2) while I called the insurance company to change doctors. We have managed care so it was an involved process that took about 3 hours between calling insurance, doctor's office, insurance, doctor's office, etc. Anyway, he really saw what I did when I don't do anything and am having a vacation. Maybe try something like this with him.

I don't know what Tivo's means, but if I could have his job I would definitely do it. That makes me jealous because I don't have a job where I could actually do all that stuff.
As far as you go, you are a stay at home mom, enough to make me jealous again, but I will sympathize with you to a point if it is frustrating you.
There's two of you in that marriage and you are responsible for you every day whether he is there or not. The mom who said get a babysitter when you have time to get together with friends is correct. Yes, would it be fair if dad could be as tortured as you? of course. But it is not a perfect world and it is all about taking care of ourselves. Get prepared with a babysitter whether he works or not. And if dad will stay with the baby, then pay the sitter anyway, so they will be available next time. You said you did all sorts of things before marriage, then what made you act so different afterwards? You can be that person again and you didn't have him in your life to make you happy. It was just you and the world. And your little one is no longer an infant so you don't have to panic so much. Take over your life and you won't think he's such a ...

I have to agree with Dadonpurpose...seems there is some martyr syndrome going on both sides.

When you make plans, don't change them. If he HAS to go to a work event (like a baseball game with his boss), then hire a babysitter and go. Once this happens a few times, he'll either like it just fine or quit making plans knowing that you'll change yours.

I work at a job where there can be evening and weekend activities with customers that are required. They are often "entertainment" type of activities like sporting events, etc. We are hosting the client as our guest at the event. Other people often think "gosh that's so cushy," but it is actually work. Sometimes we're lucky enough to be hosting a client who is fun and that we like to hang around, so it's fun work. Sometimes we have a more challenging, hard to please or negative client that we are hosting. In that case, it is merely work that takes place at a fun event. I'm wondering if these events your hubby is giong to are purely social events, office politics events or part of his job (for example, if he is involved purchasing, sales or marketing where it is often a job requirement). Since he's doing so much with his boss, I'm getting the impression that he has work events that may be expected and that you consider them as not working because it's something fun. Is that the case? Either way, I still hear a lot of martyr on both sides of your question.

Lol, I have the same problem. I ended up picking up more hours at work, I thought if my husband was alone with both kids more he would start to understand how hard it is and help me more. Yeah right. So now I work more and still do all the house stuff. He practically throws the baby at me the second I walk in the door... and he still does nothing but complain. The good thing is work does give me a chance to get out of the house. GL, and it wouldnt hurt for TVio to 'mess up' once in a while and not record his shows. Maybe you accidentally unplugged it while you were cleaning??