Help! My Daughter Hates My Neighbors Daughter

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All I can think of is to plan a 'debate' where the girls are brought together across a table with both mothers present (and fathers, if BOTH will attend). Let them air their differences by an individually pre-planned strategy with only factual information -- no name-calling, no slurs about things that can't be helped (hair/skin color/texture, weight, size, looks, etc), and there will be a reward afterward if they can come to some agreement on their own as to how to handle this situation maturely (the more maturely they act, the bigger the reward -- eat out together, trip to an amusement park together, or whatever and all of this explained before the 'great debate') . We always have to 'deal with' people we don't like (and usually it's because we are so much LIKE them!!) Sometimes with a little understanding, enemies end up building strong and lasting friendships!

Good luck and God bless!

I agree with most of the other people that have responded. Don't try to force your child to be friends with someone. Something must have happened that upset your daughter. Kids normally like other kids unless something happened. I tell my kids that they don't have to be friends with everyone, but they must be respectful.

As to your younger daughter playing with the neighbor. Does your younger daughter want to play with her? Does your older daughter get upset when your younger daughter plays with her. If you decide that you don't want your younger daughter playing with her, talk to your neighbor & explain to her why you don't. Since she already know that there was a problem, she might understand.

I'm glad that you want your girls to be nice to others and encourage a God like behavior. I've made the mistake of always telling my son to listen to adults and do whatever they say and he ended up getting his ankle hurt because of it. You shouldn't allow this girl to come over and play anymore she is a danger to your family. We have to protect our kids and that doesn't mean to not allow things to happen at all to them, but to prepare them for even the bad things. Yes it's good to forgive, but they have to be able to speak the truth and know how to tell others no and when you just have to walk away. Kindness doesn't just apply to giving in and trying to make everyone happy, but to also know when you can't "fix" someone else. I have 2 friends that have daughters that both act like the girl you're talking about and they've learned that it's best to get babysitters and then get together. Good luck, and may God bless you too.

Hi there,

Wow, I have to say this is a strange situation. I would really want to know what was at the bottom of this... why does your daughter feel so angry and threatened?

My gut reaction is that the little girl next door has done something that your daughter has not told you about... I would want to know what that is... The fact that she has done something so destructive as to write all over your porch says something about her mental stability to me and perhaps your daughter is right in not wanting to be around her or play with her... I would be careful about her wanting to play with my 6 year old, if it were me... that's a pretty big age gap. I would sit down and talk to my children in a way that doesn't demean their intelligence (not saying you have or have not done this) and get to the source of this anxiety. Get them to open up their feelings about this little girl in a non-threatening environment, like establishing when you sit down to talk that they are not in trouble over this, but you need to know what was happened. I'll bet there is more to this story and I would be prepared to protect my children.

I am married to a retired police detective, so I had heard lots of stories about troubled children. It sounds to me like the neighbor's daughter has more problems than just diabetes...

Good luck!

Corina, if you think back to your childhood, you might recall there were some kids you got along great with and others ... not so much. I would hardly go so far as to call the girl next door a bully, especially since it sounds like both girls are provocateurs. You mentioned your neighbor's daughter is diabetic. Is she, perhaps, obese but your own daughter is not? And might this be a catalyst for your daughter's response to her? You might want to dig a little deeper into your daughter's feelings about the other girl. For her own benefit, she needs to understand why she does not like this girl and what her triggers were. If, in fact, it is a matter of the girl being overweight, your daughter needs to understand that a person's outside appearance is not a good basis for establishing their value as a human being. It could be a great lesson in tolerance for her.

Bottom line: You cannot force people to be friends. And, since you cannot control how your neighbor's daughter will act, you can only mandate how your daughter will REact. Teach her that how others behave has no bearing on her but how she responds can diminish or uplift her. If she doesn't like the girl next door, she shouldn't be forced into an artificial relationship with her. But she should be required to be courteous and polite to her. And let her know that this is exactly what you expect of her. She doesn't have to play with her but she does have to be polite to her.

well if you and the mom are friends say maybe we just shouldn't let the girls hang out. they obviously don't want to be friends so don't force it

The girls do not have to be friends. They can be next door neighbors and not be friends. But you also don't want them to be enemies. Don't push that relationship. Keep them away from each other. There is probably something that happened--big or small--that they both are not telling you. Give it a little time and then get your 8 year old alone and ask her what happened. If she won't tell you ask your 6 year old. She may know. Do not let your 6 year old play with her. That would probably make the situation worse and that large age gap makes me uncomfortable. If the 11 year old did something inappropriate to the the 8 year old you don't want her doing it to your 6 year old too. It may be years before your daughters tell you, but eventually little girls tell their mommy everything.

Children go through phases and I would just let this go. Don't force your daughter to be friends w/this girl. She should be respectful, but she does not have to play w/her.

I smell BULLY written all over your neighbors daughter. First sign, she would rather play with younger sister. Second sign, she writes your daughters name in anti sign. It sounds like it would be best for you to keep the neighbor at an arms length friendship for the sake of your children. Sometimes our children tell us things nonverbally when it is something important. Your daughter is saying, "Mom, this girl is not a nice person. Don't make me play with her."

I agree with Julie L below. I wouldn't push the issue. Explain that she might do bad things and we need to forgive/ignore those behaviors if they are not hurting anyone. Also remind her that she needs to be respectful/nice to her when she sees her. But I would not force them to play with each other. Obv their personalities clash right now. Do you like everyone you meet? I don't. I can be nice, but I would not call them up to go have coffee. Same with kids. They play with other kids they like and avoid the ones that they don't get along with. Don't force it. I know it is hard when you are close to the parents, but it will only make it worse if you try to make them be friends.