Help, My Daughter Hates Me Since the Birth of My Son

She is finding her new place, she doesn't hate you. Just let it go. She isn't even two, you do realize she has a very limited ability to explain her needs and emotions. She is using what she has to get a point across so stop thinking in terms of why an adult would act like she is and think of it in terms of a small child.

If I am not happy I am mad, if I don't love I hate. Everything is extremes even if their true emotion lies somewhere in the middle or is even an emotion she hasn't explored or can articulate.

Let it go, keep loving her and she will find her new place in the family and be happy again.

She doesn't hate you-she's too young-when she is a teenager-she won't even really hate you. She'll get through this-maybe enlist her help from time to time with the baby-fetch a diaper, get a blanket, etc-that way she'll have a vested interest in the baby, her brother, and she will want you to take care of him and will no longer be jealous.

AHEM. Toddler trick: NEVER ask them a question you're not okay with both answers!!! And don't give them a ludicrus option. Ask if she's lonely, jealous, etc... but don't ask if she loves you! Don't even let that BE an option!!! She'll come up with that all on her own.
_______
Whenever my son pulled the "I don't love you" or "I hate you" thing... my response was a huge grin and a wink and:

"That's okay kiddo, because I love you enough for BOTH of us!"

Sometimes he'd still grump, other times he'd argue that he loved me more than I loved him (to the moon, to the stars, all the way around the universe, etc.), other times it was the cold shoulder.

My mum let me know waaaay ahead of time (and then reminded me in the moment)... that

"When kids pull away, about 90% of it is testing you. Will you STILL love them even if _______??? What about ______? Now? And now? What about this?"

And that the harder the pull away, the faster they come running back. It's a test. Don't flinch.

In fact... one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE BOOKS EVER is a kid's book, JUST on this topic:

http://www.amazon.com/Mama-Do-You-Love-Me/dp/087701759X/r...

The little girl in the book is asking her mama if she loves her, even if I did this?

The mom answers each question (which get progressively worse, including turning into a polar bear and eating her mom) with the truth: "I'd be angry, but I'd still love you. I'd be VERY angry, but I'd still love you. I'd be surprised, and a bit scared, but I would still love you. I'd be VERY scared, but I would know that inside the bear, you would be you, and I would still love you."

LOVE this book. And it's perfect for the age. ((There's a dad version too, but it's awful. I was hoping to get it for my son's uncles, but I've decided to draw a beard on mom, and white out Mama and replace it with Papa with the Mama book.))

she's tiny! she's not even two! and yet she bears the burden of not only sorting out her own tiny toddler emotions at this HUGE change in her life, she also has terrifyingly total control over yours!
stop crying.
stop explaining.
stop being jealous.
stop expecting her to be the rational adult here.
your emotions are roller-coastering because of the birth of your new baby, but that doesn't mean you should let your daughter, who needs you to model calm safe stability for her, be the emotional barometer of the family.
take care of your baby. take care of yourself. be open and accepting of your daughter's difficult adjustment, not desperate and clingy. she's far too tiny to be clung to.
khairete
S.

You are letting a 20 month old figure out how she's going to treat you. Um no, you are the grown up so stop asking her to love you and set up the routine needed to care and love 2 children. Yes things have changed since you now have 2 little ones. Your daughter's life has been totally upended as her beloved mommy left her and then came home with a new kid that takes up soooo much time.

Instead of concentrating on what you can no longer do focus on what you can do. Can't sit on the floor and play? Then move everything to a table and sit in chairs. If she doesn't want to cuddle then have her sit next to you on the couch and sneak cuddles while reading. It's only been a week and she's had a hard time as her routine has changed a bit. Just remember that children are very flexible and in no time at all she'll settle in.

J.:

CONGRATULATIONS on your baby boy.

What can you do to repair the relationship? STOP ASKING HER IF SHE LOVES YOU!! Sorry- I'm not yelling - I am trying to emphasize this.

Here's my problem. You, the adult, are asking a not-even 2 year old if she loves you. Girl - these are your pregnancy hormones and you need to stop asking her if she loves you - she does.

get back into your routine. The more you push her - the more she will react. She saw that it upset you and now she is acting out.

PLEASE stop asking her if she loves you.
PLEASE get back into a routine with all of you -
PLEASE set some time aside for her - if she is being a brat about it - then say - "Fine. When you are ready to be a big girl and play - let me know. Until then - I'm doing my thing."... then do it.

If the crying persists over the next two weeks - when you go in for your postpartum check up - talk to your doctor and let them know you are crying a lot...

She's totally getting it that she's hurting your feelings by your reactions and pleading and it's giving her a power trip. She also knows you feel guilty for hurting her feelings by having a baby. Do NOT let her play that game. Siblings have come along since the human race began. Both my older kids were 2-ish when the next one came along, and the rules of respect have always been the same. They never tried to be mean because they would have been disciplined. Instead they were kind to me and the baby because we all got to enjoy ourselves then. Praise her for being nice, discipline her for being mean. She's not too young. This will continue if you don't discipline her because you feel guilty for having a baby. Kicking and screaming for daddy? Tantrum. Discipline. Rejects you? let her go and don't feed into it.

Make SURE dad does not reward this behavior by allowing her to be mean and snuggle him in front of you (HELLO, DAD, WHAT??!!) He needs to say, "Go say sorry to mom, be nice to mom" etc and put her down if she doesn't comply. If she throws a fit, discipline. Remember. You did not do anything wrong by having a baby. Don't let her train you at 21 months.

HUmor is very important too. Whenever I've had a two-ish year old child trying to control me by refusing my requests for whatever fun thing I was offering and getting huffy, I'd just cheerfully say, "Yay, you don't wanna play, Bye!" and go skipping off (literally skipping) to fold a major load of laundry when they WANTED me to keep guessing at what they wanted. If they tried a fit, discipline. If I was singing and having a great old time, they usually came to join me. They learned quickly they could A) be nice the first time or B) join me while I did my own thing.

J., I know you are full of baby hormones and very emotional. But I hope you will take my words to heart. Stop asking your daughter if she loves you. Stop crying about this. You are just going to make yourself crazy, and make her upset. All your stress and upset feelings are screaming out to her. She can feel it all and doesn't have the capacity to handle it like an adult. As for WANTING to make you feel jealous? She is only 20 months old - not a teenager!

However, you are an adult and you need to see this for what it is. She has been usurped by a cute little helpless baby and is upset because of it. She is jealous and cannot see past her nose that she will grow to love this baby. Instead of thinking about how she is treating you, IGNORE all this stuff going on and don't push her. Pretend it isn't happening and treat her normally. You shouldn't be napping with her anyway - let her nap by herself. Be happy that she is going to daddy instead of having tantrums and breaking stuff.

And don't apologize to her.

You didn't lose a child. You have to understand that this is normal. Stop worrying about repairing the relationship. You run the risk of letting her run roughshod over you because of being afraid that she won't "like" you, and then you will stop disciplining her for bad behavior, and end up having a little monster. She needs limits and accountability.

You have a brand new baby. There are lots of changes ahead. Just roll with the changes and stop showing your daughter that you are so upset. It will do nothing but exacerbate the problem.

Good luck,
Dawn

this is normal & shall pass.

In the meantime, stop asking her "if" she loves you....you are handing the reins of your emotions over to her & allowing her to rule your world.

Parenting should go the opposite way! Take back control, & when she's favoring Daddy....just smile & say, "I'm so glad you love, Daddy. I do too".

At that point, Daddy should come over & love on you/the baby..... bringing your DD with him. If she fights it, then he should still continue to love on you....saying, "I love my family".

& as others have said, intill some humor & some goofiness into your responses...& she'll pull right out of it!

"Julius, the Baby of the World" by Kevin Henkes is an excellent new baby book! Love, love, love it!

You have to realize that both of you are not in a reasonable state of mind right now.
You just had a baby and are deep into the post birth hormonal adjustment which can wreak havoc on your emotions.
Your daughter is adjusting to being a sibling and not happy about it.
He gets attention just in being tended to and she's jealous and it's a hard emotion for her to handle - and she's coming up on the terrible two's - that's hard even without sibling issues.
Her reaction is totally natural, and it will get better.
Just give both of you time to adjust - like 6-8 weeks.
In the mean time, let her and Daddy bond while you are bonding with the new baby and tell her it's great she and Daddy are doing so well together.
The more she gets no reaction, the less she'll be trying to provoke one.
One week is not enough time.

don't ask a 20 month old if she loves you. she doesn't know what love means, she just knows "yes" is the right answer - so when she says "no" it's her way of being defiant. she is confused and her routine is upset and everything she knows has been turned topsy turvy. i know you are recovering from having a baby (hormones- bleh!) BUT you have to think of HER and not worry so much about your hurt feelings. this isn't about you. try to make a playdate with just the two of you soon. i know it will be hard but it is important for her to know that you still love her. there's no way to make this easy for her, but you can make it easiER. good luck. you'll get through this!

The bad news is that she is 20 months old and you're a sleep deprived hormonal mess, the good news is that both are temporary!

I think Shane and Riley said it best! Print out their answers so you can read them over and over again.

And you can NOT judge your mothering or worth as a person by her feelings of the moment (or day or week or month) There are going to be times she "hates" you whether it's because you put on your "Mean Mommy" shirt and told her "NO" even though "EVERYBODY Else's" Mom said yes, or because she's a hormonal adolescent.....

We tend to forget that the unconditional love part of the relationship flows from mother to child not necceesarily the other way around....

She;'s 20 months old..wanna know something your going to go through times when she gets older she will tell you she hates you. All parents here it some for good reasons like doing good parenting some for bad. Are you jealous of her spending time with her FATHER? All kids go through times of wanting to spend more time with 1 parent or another. You seem overly upset over a toddler who can't really say many words yet. You have lost nothing just relax and enjoy your kids.

Remember that reasoning comes at around age 3. It will pass:)

You have to be a young mom. Many posts have been written on this site about siblings.

Let's see, you have an almost 2 year old whose world was rocked upside down by mommy leaving and coming home with this squirmy thing that takes up all of her time. I can't do what I used with mommy because of this "thing". I'm mad and I can't express my feelings other than not liking my mommy right now so I will like daddy better.

Post partum hormones are raging and going back to normal. You want to do what you did with one but now have two to work and adjust to. It is going to take time for you to figure out a routine that includes both and nap time. I recall one day flipping out with both of my kids looking at me as if I had lost my mind - I did for about five minutes. Then I was able to get myself back together and work with it.

You can't be everything to everyone at the same time. Pick your battles and know that it will all work out. Know that you have to tend to your infant before you do tend to daughter. Find time when baby is sleeping that you and daughter grab 10 to 15 minutes by yourselves. Also try to get everyone to take a nap at the same time so that you all rest.

As they say, "This too shall pass."

The other S.

I think she's being a brat and you are feeding into it. I agree with the poster that says she's enjoying your reactions. A little jealousy is normal. But you are making it worse.

Hang in there!!! She doesn't hate you. She loves you and wants her mommy--believe me! She will come around in time. She is only 20 months old.----She is still really young and doesn't know how to properly verbalize what she is feeling. The best thing you can do is include her in as much as you can-have her bring you diapers, help you change the baby, and pass the baby on to daddy so you can have some one on one time with her. Things will get better, but its going to take some time. Stick with it, ignore her outbursts but validate her feelings--tell her--I see you are really mad that i can't read right now. You really want me to read right now. Lets set the timer and when it goes off, I will be able to read to you.etc.

Hope this helps. This too shall pass. Hugs to you- - and congrats on your new baby.

M

This is normal.
It's very upsetting for you, but normal.
She is used to being the center of your universe and now that's changed.
I would pull yourself together and not go overboard trying to make her feel better.
She has a sibling and she will learn to share the love.

Try to engage her as far as helping and nurturing when it comes to the baby. Perhaps she can bring you a diaper or hold her little brother's hand while you change him.
You are very emotional, rightly so, but you have to really act like having a new baby is a normal and happy thing that happens in many families.
If your daughter doesn't want to nap with you, don't force it. But, she still has to lay down.
Just stay calm and behave as though this is all such a natural part of a family growing.
She hasn't been replaced. The family got bigger and that really is a blessing.

I have many, many friends who had kids close together and this is fairly typical. Don't worry that as the kids get older they won't be very close. It's just an adjustment for now.
My kids were 10 years apart so thankfully, I didn't go through any of this. However, even when you are nursing, you can still read a book, you can still have time with the younger one while you sing songs or brush your daughter's hair. Little things like that. Whatever kinds of cuddly type things she likes.
If she's not down with any of that, just give her time. She's been your only baby for her whole life and now she has to share you. Don't cry about that. Don't feel guilty about it.
Families grow.
Your new baby is only a week old so the transition might take a while, but it will all work out.
It really will.

Best wishes.

I'm not sure it matters how old she is, my own sister acted this way when I was born and she was NINE AND A HALF!
Most of you perspective is the hormones. She doesn't not love you, she's not even old enough to be in a set routine that she would miss. Children at 20 mo are flexible and forgiving, but you have to set them up to succeed at both.

Let her sit with you while you nurse and talk to her about what it was like nursing her.
Expect her to help you, don't ask. She is old enough to be a "fetcher", which is what I had my older ones do when a younger one was born. It's her job to help mommy and the baby rest, so she is to "get" you things like the baby wipes or a blanket. This can also be a great game of teaching her the names of things she doesn't know yet.
As far as how to react to her, follow the other ladies' advice and don't buy into it. She knows you love her, she's just testing you and seeing how much control she has because she feels a bit out of control right now. It is very true about kids testing you like this, and it will never stop, so best to learn to deal with it now.

Relax, let any schedule you had before go, because you are going to have to redo it anyhow, and watch a lot of tv with her so you can get some rest. Have her taken out to lunch by her grandparents or to the park or something, both to let you rest and to get her out of the house. Dad is obviously a good choice for this, but he needs time to bond with the baby, too. On the flip side, as a reward, spend some extra time with her on a day she has been especially good (again, set her up to succeed, not to fail) and have dad take the baby for an hour.

Congrats on your new baby!

Oh, how it hurts when they say they don't love you. Even more when it's "I hate you." And the more you want them to say they love you, the more they refuse.

Find a way to respond in a neutral way. I like Riley's suggestions. "I love you enough for both of us." is a good one. Don't let her see how much she hurts you and she'll come around.

She is having a difficult time adjusting to how different her life is right now. She's fearful (not probably consciously) that you'll prefer the baby over her. And the more you try to prove that you love her just the same the more she'll feel that isn't true or you wouldn't try so hard to convince her.

Keep some emotional distance from the situation realizing that this is just a stage that you'll get through before you know it.

Be patient. Change is hard on a 20 month old. She doesn't really understand why you are doing things differently. When I had my 3rd baby, my middle child acted put out. But his big brother helped him to understand by telling him what it was like when he (middle child) was born. It might help if you or another adult sits down with her to look at her own baby pictures and talk about how you felt after she was born. Not just the good stuff, but the healing, not being able to get down on the floor, breastfeeding, etc. Talk about how that only lasted a little while and then you got better, she grew, etc and it will be the same this time with this baby. It will be fine.

It definitely is a phase....it will probably last until you can heal and find time to have one on one with her. Take her somewhere special. Your going to have to keep reassuring her that you love her and nothing has changed with that. Give it time....in time it will get better. And be prepared for your children to do this sort of thing all their lives. Try very hard not to take it personally.

Congrats on your son!

I think it's just a transition. When my mom had my sister, I first loved her and then told her to take Sister back to the hospital.

I would continue to try to do special things with just DD and also encourage your husband to do things with both/all of you. How much does he help with the baby? You can also enlist her help. "DD, can yo bring me a diaper? That would be a huge help to Mommy and Brother." And then say, "Do you see that? He stopped crying! You are being such a good big sister! I'm proud of you."

Don't ask her if she loves you. She DOES. But she's unable to express adult emotions to you. She's not even 2. Just say YOU love HER and let her come back around. Don't look for her words to be your reassurance. You've done nothing wrong having a baby and that's something she will grow to understand. She loves you, no matter what she acts like right now (remember that when she's 15, too). My DD went through a phase where she didn't say good bye or good night. My SD was so offended! I reminded SD that DD is just a little kid. She doesn't WANT you to go so she thinks if she doesn't say it, it doesn't happen. It's really not what you might think.

When you are nursing, ask her if she wants to bring a doll over and sit with you and brother. Ask her to get a book for all of you to read together.

Remind her of all the things she can do because she's a big girl. Maybe pull out her baby pictures and keepsakes and talk about her infancy and how much she's grown.

Also remember - hormones and sleep deprivation. Try not to take anything too personally at this time.

Heck, my SD admits that she saw her baby sister as just a smelly, loud, obnoxious thing in her home and she was 14. But now she loves her sister. And I got past trying to get rid of my sister, too.

I agree with Livinglife&LovingIt. This is a normal stage & it will pass.
She is young & she was an only child for awhile.
She will come to love her baby sibling.
My SD was 10 when I found out I was pregnant.
She came to love the baby once he was here & mind you she was 10.
She loves her baby brother now. Sibling rivalry still exists but she loves him.
I'm a different story. I'm the "one that brought another child into the house" but I think that will also get better one day.
Enjoy your new mommyhood w/# 2 & know she will come around! :)

Awwww! You poor thing! First of all, congratulations on the birth of your son! I only have one so I won't try to pretend I have good advice about how to handle this situation, but all I can do is remind you that right now, you are really, REALLY hormonal and sensitive. Which of course is completely normal and natural. And no, I'm not saying you are crazy or invalidating your feelings. It's totally human to be devastated by the temporary loss of such an important relationship when you are in the most needy, vulnerable state, coping with one of life's biggest adjustments. Just recognize the fact that this is a toddler we are talking about here, and the way you are talking about her makes it sound like you are relating to her as if she were an adult. Sibling jealously is a common thing from what I hear. I wouldn't worry about repairing your relationship with her right now, just keep doing what you are doing, reinforcing that you love her as always, and the less you respond to her jealousy the better, for her and you. Recognize that this is more about your feelings than it is hers.
Wow, three weeks old! This is the phase that my husband and I refer to as "the crazy time that we barely remember!" hahaha. Good luck, Mama!

I also went through this even though my girls are 11 years apart. We just did a girls day out for a few hours, I think a movie and lunch or something like that. Just find something she wants to do.