Help! My Almost 4 Year Old Still Won't Poop on the Potty!

J.,

I had the same problem you are having when my son was almost 4. I had tried everything (like you) to get him to go to the potty but he refused. I had finally had enough and just left him alone and didn't try to force him anymore. When I did that, he started using the potty! I think that he just wanted to be in control :). He was fully potty trained two weeks before his 4th birthday. It will happen, just TRY to be patient. I know that isn't easy to do. Good luck!

I hope you'll read a terrific book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. (You can read part of this really practical guide to communicating with your kids here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...) They can show you how to help your son communicate and participate in finding his own solutions. I use this approach with my grandson with great effect, in all sorts of potential problems, and I have heard some amazing stories from other young parents about how effective this approach can be.

Be aware that just because a child succeeds once at any new task, that doesn't necessarily mean he's really got all systems in place for achieving the same results over and over. The prospect of having to to that may be pretty daunting for your son. And quite a few four-year-olds have yet to master this big developmental step.

Sounds like my son. We found out a few years later he has ADHD, anxiety issues and Asperger's. It also turns out he has sensory issues (common with ADHD) and honestly couldn't feel when he had to go, or the poop on his butt after having an accident. And he simply didn't care whatsoever about the whole thing. He ended up with encopresis (uncontrollable soiling due to chronic constipation - lots of soft poop oozed out around hard lump so it didn't look like constipation... he was 'going' almost everyday!).

Anyways... please take him to a doc to rule out encopresis (usually an abdominal x-ray to see if he's impacted). Then, get him on a schedule. Forget pooping for right now, just get him to sit on toilet a few times a day - 20 minutes after a meal (when the body's involuntary muscles release to let poop out) and at bedtime. After a few days, make him do clean-up. No, he's not too young. Help him a few times and then just standby and let him do it. Have him rinse out the underwear and clean up the mess. It won't be long before he figures out that it's a much less hassle to stop playing for a few minutes to poop then go through the process of cleaning up, putting clothes in washer, starting washer, getting clean clothes and putting them on, etc.

As for motivation, it took a long time for us. We ended up using poker chips - 1 for pee, 2 for poop, 2 taken away for accidents. Everyday he got 5 chips, he got to play on the computer or Playstation2 for 30 minutes (he was thoroughly addicted to Lego Star Wars at the time). After a week or so of consistently getting it, we upped it to 10 poker chips. None of the normal stuff worked. This worked because he loved it and it was the only way he could play those games.

Every kid has a 'currency' - you just have to look. Make him earn every minute of TV time - that works for most kids. The problem for most families is that the parents aren't willing to turn the TV off to enforce it. It won't work if it's something he has access to at other times. Take all the toys out his room or toyroom and make him earn 1 back everyday when he gets to a certain of chips. Take away a favorite sweatshirt or stuffed animal so he can earn it for bedtime.

Do you have a potty ring for the big toilet and stepstool? It's pretty darn hard to poop when you are balancing and concentrating on not falling in. Also hard to push if your feet are dangling.

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and you don't have to be embarrassed! My daughter will be four in July. She just started peeing in the potty two weeks ago and it's going great after a long struggle with potty training. But she still asks for a pull-up to go poop. I give it to her because I don't want her to hold it and become constipated, as she's done before. She does try to poop on the potty, she pushes and then gets very mad when nothing happens! Then she asks for the pull-up. I read that they have to learn how to use those muscles and it takes a lot of practice to go from pooping in a pull-up while standing up to sitting on the toliet.

She never went for the incentives either! And we went through the same thing, she used the potty and we made a big deal and had a little party and then nothing for almost nine months! It was like she thought she accomplished all she needed to and she was done LOL.

Hang in there, I know it's incredibly frustrating and so hard but it will happen!

For some reason pooping in the toilet is often a difficult task. My daughter was potty trained at a younger age, but pooping the toilet and doing anything in a public or dirty restroom took a while longer for her. Hang in there, it will happen.

I don't have a suggestion but just wanted you to know he is not the only one. I posted something a few months ago with nearly the same title and everything. She unfortunatly is still going in a pullup, we just decided to stop trying after a very dramatic effort and a week of holding it in....other than asking her sometimes if she is ready to do it. Good luck, you are not alone! lol

I'm right there with you, J.! My 3 1/2 yr. old did his very first poop in the potty TODAY!! I was so excited I almost did cartwheels all around the house! He has been going pee in the potty just fine since September, but going #2 has been such a struggle. Nothing seemed to motivate him at all, but I didn't want to put pressure on him by pushing the issue. So....I guess I thought he would go when he was ready. Who knows if he will even do it again anytime soon, but he sure knew how excited I got when he did it! I even had him call his daddy at work to tell him the great news! He really got a kick out of that.

So, please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. I know how frustrating it can be, but I really believe kids will do it when they are ready. I want you to know that I feel your pain!!!

Let him poop in a potty chair. My son hated the poop falling into the toilet and he was so nervous that he would get constipated. It might take him a long time to go, so you could try giving him special books to look at while he is going and just let him take his time. If he can hold it for the times you are not around watching him, he has no trouble with the control- so it definitely has something to do with a fear of the toilet.

have you tried going poop in front of him, or having his dad do it? My daughter was scared to poop in the potty until I did it in front of her a few times. Now she likes to poop on the potty "like mommy does."

I have potty-trained my two sons (now 9 and 5), and I can tell you that each child is as different as night and day. My oldest son did not poop in the toilet until he was almost 5. He had constipation issues and would withhold because he was afraid it would hurt to poop. After spending four days in the hospital due to an impacted bowel, he decided he did not want to go back to the hospital and so he started pooping in the toilet.

My youngest son started pooping in the toilet when he was 4 with no problem, although we had a few setbacks. He did not want to stop playing until the last minute, and by then it was too late. I explained to him that his toys would still be there when he got back, and that it was important to listen to his body when it was telling him to go to the bathroom. Of course, putting him in time-out whenever this happened didn't hurt, either!

Of course, there is no magic age when a child should be fully potty trained. It is up to each individual to be ready and able to read their body's signals. Maybe your son is not fully awake from his nap when the accidents occur, and so he probably should not be punished for this.

Sometimes a child will think he is going to pass gas but really has to poop. Like I said, it's all about reading the body's signals. Some children mature more quickly in this area than others. It is important not to shame them when accidents happen. After all, even adults have accidents sometimes!
Just be patient . . . he will do it when he's ready! God bless!

Buy a suppository (sp?) and cut it in half. Stick it up there and put her on the pot in front of a movie she likes to watch. It will probably do it's magic in 5-10 minutes:) Once she realizes it's so easy, she'll probably do it from then on.

My daughter is almost 4 and is the same way. She won't poop in underwear, but she will hold it until she can put a pull-up on. She did poop on the toilet at daycare a couple months ago because she has no pull-ups there and she hadn't gone in 4 days, and I made a huge deal out of it. But she still went back to only going in a pull-up. I talked to my dr and the early childhood screeners, and both told me that it is completely normal and to not push it, it will happen in due time. So that is what I am doing. Sorry no real advice, but you are not alone!