Help Me I Am So Exhausted....

HellO Ellen, Your not alone. I've been where you are now. I have three boys 9, 6, and a new addition who is 10 months, all boys. I went through a divorce and my 9 year old then 5 went down hill. Later I had realized it was because I was going down hill. I would give in all the time just because I wanted a few min. to myself. I am now remarried and my house is a more peaceful place to be. This house was crazy at time. Kole was talking back, slaming doors, getting reds in school and I didn't know what to do. It took alot of team work with my husband to get Kole back on track.
I know how you feel when you've tried everything you can and still nothing, I too though I would have too call JOJO. Every child is different so finding the right thing for yours is the whole challenge. I found that Kole was very brite. He knew if you were a push over he would push and push til the end. I realized that counting to three was not good because he knew he had to three to keep pushing. Just like in school, they do the red light system he knew he had a few colors to go before getting that red. My husband gets all the respect too, because they do what they say they are going to do. Both the boys know when daddys home it's a different story too. The secret is if you say something, react and then follow through with what ever you say and don't give in. Don't back down. Don't give them choices and don't give them an explination as why. Say it and that's it!! I know it is hard my husband gets on to me at times. The rule is no eating in the living room and that's it. But at times I will say o.k then they think it's o.k. it's nolonger a rule. Then we have a fight the next time I say no. When Kole was 7 we started to take everthing out his room, everything, and let them watch. When he would get alot of greens we would give him one thing back at a time. He would slip and we would start over. There were times that boy went months without tv. We would give him mayb 30 here and there, but we stuck to it. There were rewards, deals but we did't quit. Time out works too, find that naughty spot just like JOJO does and don't give in. You're in charge and your not failing til you've quit. Don't let them see they are getting to you, there were times I would take time outs too. Hope I've helped, good luck be stern!!

I would whole-heartedly recommend the book "The Heart of Anger" by Lou Priolo. It sounds like exactly the book for your problems. You can request a copy through inter-library loan, so you won't have to buy it to see if you like it.

If he responds to your husband,then it is essential that your husband "back you up." I don;t mean staying home from his game, just leaving clear instructions with your son that defying you is the same as defying his father. A concrete list of behaviors he is to avoid might also help (eye rolling, not responding to first request, etc...). We have a six year-old who has not been quite so difficult, but she knows beyond a doubt that it is two against one... her father and I are a united front at all costs. I hope this helps... maybe you have already tried this. Hang in there.

Ellen,
Nathan disrespects you because he CAN. To him it's a game. To you it's torture. My son was one who needed to have the Big voice of his dad straighten him out periodically. But that's hard to do if his dad is always working... He's probably old enough that you can take away toys and priviledges that he really likes and he will get the message.
I always counted to 3 before I took away a toy and I made it VERY clear what he was going to lose if he continued in that behavior. If he plays computer or any other game machine, it is even better! They rarely want to lose the chance to play that each day. Try to make the punishment fit the crime. Don't overcorrect. All he needs is some reminder that YOU'RE the boss. Right now, he sees that HE is in control.

Dear Ellen,

My youngest sister has a son who is adhd also. He tries to be the same way with her. The key to the whole thing is to never let them know that they are upsetting you or getting the better of you! Once they see that they are doing this, it is like they have won a battle over you and it will only continue to get worse. I keep my nephew often for my sister, and when he tries to be that way with me he meets with a solid brick wall that does not give an inch! If he gets really disrespectful, I tell him that I have nothing more to say to him and I ignore him. This really gets to him and he starts to behave. This works because most ADHD kids are very intelligent and they want to talk all the time. It is very important to them that they are the center of attention, whether it be good attention or bad attention. Another thing that works is to take Slades gameboy or playstation or computer priviledges away. I tell him that when he treats me the way I expect to be treated, I will treat him the way he wants to be treated. Sometimes it is necessary to raise my voice and REALLY yell at him to get his attention. Once I have succeeded in getting his attention I calmly explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable and that I do not have to and will not put up with it any longer, and that he is on the verge of one the above punishments if he does not behave. I explain to him that his own actions decide the outcome. When his behavior improves I sit and discuss something with him that he is really interested in, or let him help me in the kitchen with something or outside with something. Slade loves to feel important and needed. I have found that spanking really does not do much good with an ADHD child because it is after all, attention, which is what they want. Remember dear, ADHD is not the end of the world, so do not fall into just saying "Well he has this problem, he can't help it.", because he CAN help it. They require much more strictness than other kids do and it may require you to "MEAN" in order to impose your rules and get the respect you desire and deserve from him. Also, ADHD kids are smart enough to learn how to play both ends against the middle and they will if there is an opening for them to do so. They learn what works and what buttons to push very quickly. It is vital that you and your husband stand firmly together on all rules and punishments. I hope I have been a little bit of help to you.

M. G

I am a 49 yr old mother, with a 18 yr old son with severe Adhd. And as much as it pains me to say this, and i only say this cause i had to do it many times with my own son. Sometimes you have to get the attn of the mule with a two by 4. I spanked him. It shocked him. I did not warn him.I told him once i had had enough, the next time i would not say a thing i would just do what i had to. And i did. I am not a harsh or violent mom. And i think i cried more than he did. But it worked. Mind you i did this when he was younger. He has other siblings older than he.

Sounds like it's time to do a little "house cleaning". My son went through the same kind of behavior pattern when he was that age. I fixed this very quickly by taking away ALL of his privileges and toys! I boxed up his bedroom and play room. The only thing he was allowed to do was read, listen to music and use pencils and crayons to draw. In order to earn his things back, he had to behave. For each good beahior, he would receive 1 item back. He quickly learned to change the way he treated me. It took almost a full month for him to earn back all of his privileges and toys. Now all I have to do is remind him what happens when he acts up, and he stops his bad behavior.

I know it sounds hard to do, but it really works!

I wish you luck. Also you may want to reconsider the use of meds for ADHD. I know there is rampant over-use of meds for children that really don't have ADHD, but for those that do, they are very effective and really are a blessing. Nothing is harder for a kid who wants to behave and settle down, but can't because of his condition. We don't think twice about giving meds to kids with diabetes or asthma. It's a shame that there is a stigma about meds for children who have ADHD or anxiety. I speak from experience, as I have a kid that really needed meds for OCD and anxiety, but I deprived him of it for years because I thought it would make me look like a bad parent. When I finally started him on the treatment, he thanked me for helping him feel more "normal". Just food for thought!

I had a child that was much like that. Luckily he was my second, or else he might have been an only child! I would recomend you read James Dobson's book "The Strong Willed Child", and also try and find another mother of a strong willed child who can relate to what you're going through. I don't know anything about the "NAET" thing you're doing, but I do wonder if it's really working? Maybe you need to do something else temporarily just until you get a handle on it.
The good thing about my son is that the older he got the better behaved he got - and I've had other mothers of similarly behaved children tell me the same thing. Hang in there and God bless!

Your son is at the age he is exerting his independance,badly, but he is looking for power over his environment and you are in his environment! Don't take the bait and get in the struggle with him - threatening him about what you are going to do just escalates emotions - his and yours. Try giving choices. "We are cleaning up the house now, and you need to put your toys away. We will work on this together. (TV off, etc.) Work for only 20 to 30 minutes and then sit and play a game together as a reward. If he refuses to work with you then all the toys you pick up are yours to keep and he will have to earn them back. So he can either help pick up or lose the toys - his choice." That is the key - he gets to make a choice - bad or good it is his choice.

A good book on this is Discipline for Life, Getting it Right with Children by Madelyn Swift

I am so sorry you are in such a tough spot. You can end up feeling so desperate and overwhelmed when your young child gets so out of control. It sounds to me like you do not follow through the way your husband does. ("His dad will handle things the same way as I do, well the way I handle things in the beginning anyway.") I expect that is why he does not respond the same way to you. Follow through is crucial. Now that is not a bad thing; you are Mommy not Daddy. Your roll in his life is different so you can't expect yourself to act or be reacted to exactly the same. I had many problems with my daughter when she was younger (she is 8 now and very well behaved, respectful and responsible) It was suggested to me that I go to a "Love and Logic" seminar. It worked wonders for me and my child. You can check it out at http://www.loveandlogic.com/ Friends and family have come up to me on numerous occasions and said "she doesn't even seem like the same child" because she was so out of control a couple of years ago and now she is such a sweet child. When she got out of control I wasn't comfortable getting too harsh with the discipline and so I had a hard time following through. Love and Logic taught me ways I can be comfortable with the consequences I give and I am therefore able to follow through. You are so creative with your attempts to guide him (Thomas chart) the suggestions from L&L may give you the piece you are missing. This way of parenting teaches the child there are consequences to every choice they make, good or bad. It puts the responsibility of their behavior where it belongs - on them. Once he realizes this he will begin making better choices. I highly reccommend the books and the seminars. I sympathize with you. I remember very well the frustration and exaustion. Know you are not alone and you CAN make it through this. Good luck to you.

If you are the parent that is with him most - his behavior is not completely abnormal. My middle son was similar in behavior. 1-2-3 Magic - is what worked for him.
The idea is to give a command with NO EMOTION. (ex. Say "1" -Put your clothes away now.) if he doesn't respond then you repeat it. (say "2" Put your clothes away now)... if no response, then repeat it one last time(say "3" put your clothes away now). Use no emotion just "as a matter of fact" tone. Do not beg, plead on fuss! IF after you get to "3", he refused to comply - take him by the hand and place him in his room and walk away (NO TALKING). If he won't stay there - lock it from the outside (seems cruel- its not). We did go thru several broken doors - but after a while my son got the "message".
You can locate the book at your local library 1-2-3 Magic.

To Train Up a Child by Micheal Pearl. Buy it, read it, live by it! You can get it at: www.lakehamiltonbiblecamp.com

I have three children and taught school for ten year before children. From what I have read, it seems that Nathan knows that he is getting to you and is exploiting it. As hard as it is, do your best to have "poker face" when you discipline him. Don't yell, that just lets him know that he has the best of you and gets your blood pressure up. Do your very best to show him that your actions are not affecting you, but instead are affecting him. Have a clear set of rules, calmly tell him what he is doing is not acceptable and enforce consequences. If you constantly change rules,consequences, and techniques, he will become frustrated. All children (especially those with ADHD) will test the limits and see if they can "break" you. However, they DO want and crave limits. When they learn that without a doubt, you are the boss, your life will be much easier. This takes work and everybody has set backs. If you feel like you are going to lose it with him, take a time out for your self. It is the kiss of death to let children know that they have any control of your emotions and well being. Respond to him using terminology such as "you made a bad choice"; "Until you make the choice to follow our house rules...."; "By breaking that rule YOU chose to [fill in with consequence]" Once you don't take personally his actions, you will find dealing with them easier. Do not ever tell him that his actions made you mad or upset you. Like on Super Nanny, you might have to enforce a rule for an obnoxiously long period of time to let the child know that you are not giving up, but keep in mind that will last a short time until he knows that your mean business. Make sure that your husband backs you up, but doesn't take over when he is home. You don't want to give the message that you are too weak to handle the problem. You do want to give the message that you and your husband are a united front on the same team. Most importantly, "catch Nathan being good" and point it out to him. Don't only focus on the negative or he will seek negative attention if that is the only kind of attention that he can get. Say things like "Wow, Nathan you are doing a great job with..."; "I'm so proud of you for making a good choice. I know that was difficult"; If he gets rewards for good behavior, start in small increments. A whole day can be overwhelming for children with ADHD. Depending on the child, you may need to use 15 minute increments or 1 hour. You can slowly lengthen the time. Try your best to remove your emotions from the situation and you will not be so emotionally drained by the end of the day. Good Luck!

First of all, you are the parent... not Nathan. You are allowing this child to control you and rule you. Don't argue with him. He is the child. What you say goes. PERIOD....END OF STORY! In a calm but firm voice tell him that he will pick up his toys or he will go to his room until he does. If he argues....ignore it. If he doesn't pick them up, gently take him by the hand, and show him to his room. Make him stay there till he decides to do what you tell him to do. If he comes out on his own, just simply ask him is he ready to pick up his toys. If he says no or pitches a fit, then take him by the hand... gently but firm and say in a calm voice that he will stay in his room till he can do what you say.
If he back talks the same thing goes. Tell him you love him but you are not happy with the way he is acting and he will go to his room until he can talk more respectful to you. DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE. Just let him know you mean business.
Now the thing that will set all this in motion is when you do it you HAVE to be consistant. If you make him go to his room, you cannot let him out later just because you feel sorry for him. He has to stay until he does what you say to do. And you have to do this EVERY TIME not just once.
You are right, he has no respect for you. It could be because you have let him get away with too much or not been consistant. Don't worry though. I had this problem with my first born and the dr told me to do this and I still never got it right. But once I figured it out and quit feeling sorry for him after 5 minutes in his room..... when he learned that I meant business and I wasn't the one to give in this time, do you know that child calmed down and spoke respectful to me. I have teenagers now and let me give you a peice of advice. If you don't get a handle on this now, you will pay for it when they get to be teenagers. The hormones kick in and they think that they know everything and you are just a dumb mother. So if you don't have a handle on them before that kicks in, you will lose them for sure then.
So don't wait. Show him you are the boss and you mean what you say and your punishment is going to stick no matter how long it takes and that you are not going to argue with him. Let him know you have your boundaries and he better not cross them and just set the rules down to him.
It is hard at first but I promise you, it will get better and youf life with him will be wonderful.

Alot of it is the fact he's 6 plus added to it ADHD etc. I have a 8 1/2 years old daughter with ADHD with suspected mood disorder. It is a constant battle of demanding respect. But stay persistant. He'll eventually grow out of it. But if you don't demand it now it will only get worst. Counseling might help too. Maybe talk with school counselor and see if she/he can suggest something.
GOOD LUCK and GOD BLESS

I am so sorry that this is happening to you! I am a teacher and a mom of a three year old-I swear being a mom is very tough. I think that you had great ideas and you really want the best for your son. I dont know how long you tried your other ideas but I think that you should pick one and really stick with it. Not just a week or two but really stick with it. I think it is a very good idea to use a "time out" and to have logical consequences for actions. I recommend reading "Magic 123" and "Raising Your Spirited Child". I know that there is a big age difference between our sons but reading these books and being very consistant has helped a lot with our son and also with my class. I hope that things do get better!

As a teacher, I've seen countless children that treat me with respect, but once their parents come in they are another kid. You may think that you and his dad handle things the same way, but it sounds to me like he doesn't take you seriously. Maybe you have to be a little more serious about your punishments. When he's acting up or being disrespectful and you say "If you do that again I'm taking away your favorite toy"...if he does it again then take it away INDEFINITELY! Do not give it back. Do not put it in the closet for later. Give it away, throw it away, do anything but give it back to him. My husband had severe ADHD as a kid, and his dad did this to him...he never forgot it, but he's also not resentful of his father for doing it either (though I'm sure he was mad at the time). When you put him in time out, he should go there until he can be respectful. Until he comes to you and gives you a respectful apology then he needs to sit there...period! You need to lay down the law...it's called tough love, and it sounds like he needs a LOT of it!

I'm new to this site, & I'm 65 yrs. old, I raised 6 children
pretty much on my own. You seem to have tried all the up to date methods of discipline, have you ever tried a good old fashioned spanking? I'm speaking from experience, it works.
that's the only form of discipline I ever used. My children were all well behaved & respectful of me as well as other people. S. B.

Working with a child psychotherapist to assess for possible Oppositional Defiant Disorder in addition to ADHD would be a good idea. A therapist may have some further suggestions for a more successful behavior modification program, too. Oppositional Defiant Disorder occurs along with ADHD sometimes. Many children with it respond well to being given appropriate choices. you can set up a win/win situation such as do you want to clean your room or (other chore) first or do you want to wear this shirt or 2nd option shirt. There's a book I like called SOS Help for Parents that has a lot of good ideas.

You are not in charge. Your son is in charge. You are the parent. He is the child. Take control. I used to have to say those exact words to my children. "You are not in charge. I am in charge. I am the parent. You are the child." I think I said it as much to convince myself as I was saying it to convince the kids. Try not to get angry. Try not to get frustrated. Try to stay real calm and on an even keel. Your son is 6 years old. If you don't take control now you are going to have a nightmare when he is a teenager. Get enough rest at night. Take care of yourself. When it gets too bad take a "time out"--not for the child, but for YOURSELF. Go do something fun. Organize a "girls night out", get a massage, pamper yourself. Parenting is the toughest job in the world--and the most rewarding.

My son used to be alot like this. He doesnt have adhd but he had alot of emotional problems due to a dad that isnt there much. For some reason hed listen to my fiance and not me. So i changed what i do. When he starts to yell or get a bad tone with me i stop it right there. He automatically goes to sit in his room with no t tv if he has one and no toys. He has to sit on his bed til he can come apologize and behave right. I tell him not to get off his bed til his attitude his right. First couple times he just screamed and screamed. And now he apologizes and loses his attitude very quickly. Also for some things i spanked. Hittin or kicking at me got one real quick. My son use to throw these horrible screaming and kicking fits. I would take a chair and sit him in the middle of a q uiet room facing a blank wall and leave til he quit. I would calmly explain that mommys dont deal with kids when they act like that and walk off. I learned that walking off works very well. stay within earshot, supervise the situation unseen. Hope this helps. Good luck.

Bless you. Is it possible that your son is missing his Dad and taking it out on you? If Dad is working so much, this might be the case. Your son is definitely at the age where 'dad-time' is more important than ever. Remember, we always take our frustrations out on those we love the most because it is usually the safest place to do so. Perhaps this is what Nathan is doing with you. There is also the element of testing boundaries and consistency in discipline is the only way to go with that. Maybe a heart to heart with Nathan about why he is so angry/disrespectful/frustrated, and some special one on one time with Dad will help? Best of luck to you and remember to trust your instincts!