Help! Kids Hate us...or So It Seems.

So this won't be the most popular response, but I'm going to say it anyway....wanting to force ANOTHER marriage on your children is extremely selfish. The older ones have already gone through two traumatic divorces. The last thing they need is to try to merge your families together and be one big happy family. To attemt this is one of the most selfish, thoughtless acts you can do. Both of your priorities should be the well being and peace of your children. To say children are resilient and will adapt is a cop-out. Of course they will adapt in some way, only because they have to. Your children should come FIRST, not your desires. Divorce among couples who merge families is way higher than the average divorce rate, because loyalties to ones own children supercedes the loyalty to your new spouse, and his/her children. Going into such a marriage with the children on both sides ALREADY upset and protesting ensures disaster. Stay single until your youngest is 18. Show them THEY are your priority, and stop the drama in their lives.

I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears, but I felt a need to say it. Be angry with me if you will, but when you calm down, think of who is really important in this whole situation.

This is such an important subject....Take my word for it, you do not want to enter into a new marriage with kids who are unhappy about this situation...you'll either be divorced very soon or you will ruin the relationship with your kids.
you MUST take your kids's feelings into consideration. Your children do not have a choice in the situation and must go along with whatever the adults in their life decide, but that doesn't mean they can't make everybody miserable. Most times, it's what is in the best interest of the adults and not the kids despite the best intentions of the parents. You might be thinking that because he makes you so happy it will make you a better parent, truth is, your kids will resent him and you for taking his side, for ignoring them and it will result in you and him fighting constantly.

My sister-in-law just got re-married. She has 4 kids, he has 4 kids. She just got out of a second long term relationship which was a live-in situation not a marriage and it, like your's, was not a pleasant one. She met this guy and felt it was right for her. Her kids were totally against it, they didn't like him at all. They made their opinions very clear from day one and she ignored it.
Now, she's unhappily married because she's lost two of her children to their dad and is at risk of losing the other two to the other dad. His kids have moved out as well. Now they are in counseling and have only been married since August Why? Because the kids hated this man so much that the other fathers have decided to step in.
She's miserable.
If your kids don't like this guy you better figure out why and try to sort it out before you do get married. I guarantee you, if you don't you'll live the rest of your life regretting it. Another thing, kids are very insightful. There could be a very legitimate reason for them not liking him. It is so common for step parents to act one way when bio parent is around and act totally different with the bio parent is not around, maybe they see something you don't.
If he's as wonderful as you say he is, he will totally understand the need to make everyone comfortable about this situation.
I beg you to please take your childrens feelings into consideration. Talk to them openly and give them an opportunity to talk to you. don't wait until they are ticked off and it's a screaming match. Take them to McDonald's or one of their favorite places and have a one on one, honest discussion. Tell them their opinions and approval is very important to you because their welfare is priority one!
When you became a momma, your job is to fiercely protect your children.
If this is a result of trauma from past relationships than you need to get them counseling and let wounds heal before you enter into this marriage. Fix it first and you might have half a chance. Go into this marriage now, you'll end up miserable later and so will your kids.
Good luck, I will pray for you!!

First, I would like to say that my intent is not to judge you. Finding the person with whom you can share your life is a wonderful, almost magical thing and I congradulate you for finding it! That's awesome!

However, by giving birth to children, we make a commitment to them to put their needs above our own. You and your boyfriend have made that commitment to a collective of 5 human beings. You made that commitment prior to finding the relationship you now share. Therefore that commitment must be the priority for you both. That may mean you spend more time as a family, discussing why the children are upset and how to make the transition easier, or it may mean that you wait for that official peice of paper and continue to enjoy your children and your relationship. If this man is truely the "one" then there is no rush nor a reason to hurry your children past their comfort zone. You plan on spending the rest of your lives together, so you can enjoy your relationship and your lives together now, while waitig on that ceremony.

My grandmother was 5 months pregnant with her 4th child when she lost her spouse. She waited to get remarried until that fourth child left her home to go to college. She waited 20 years for that peice of paper. But she doesn't regret that wait. It was what her children needed and it didn't prevent her from loving her husband to be or from enjoying a relationship with him.

My husband's mother is on marriage number 5. My husband refuses to spend time with this man or his mother as an adult because he feels very strongly that he and his siblings were never a priority for her. He also doesn't want his mother to interact with our children on any level because he feels that she is not trust worthy.

These are 2 very different pictures and I am sure there is a middle ground that you can acheive. But my point is, your boyfriend and you have forever to love eachother no matter when you get married. If your children take the back seat to this relationship, they may never forgive you, and you can't take that back. Give them the time that they need - it may be 6 months or it may be a couple years. Either way your relationship with your boyfriend will continue to grow in that time. Your children won't be in your home forever, so even if they never get used to the idea, they will turn 18. (I'm sure the younger ones will come around in due time)

Again, I'm not saying that you need to give up this love you have with your boyfriend, but waiting will not hurt your relationship with him and rushing may hurt your relationship with your children in irrepairable ways. If you value love as you say you do, make the choice that will enable healthy loving relationships with your family and your future spouse rather than just your future spouse.

Good luck!

You probably won't like me for saying this, but I'm not on your side. I'm on your kids' side because obviously no one else is. Living together on a trial basis like someone suggested doesn't seem to be working for you, and getting married despite what your kids are feeling would be selfish. I agree wtih the last few posts. Your kids come first, not your boyfriend, not your feelings...Theirs. You have already put your kids through hell by following your own heart. Why not give them a slice of heaven by listening to their hearts. Wait to marry until they are all up and out of the house. Your happiness will not guarantee their happiness. That is a lie. Kids don't work like that. Kids are happy when they are in a stable, protective, providing home. Your kids don't need another dad. His kids don't need another mom. They can get those role models from other family members. What they all need is a break from the roller coasters of their parents relationships. They don't trust either of you, and they have every right. You won't win their trust by trying marriage again. You'll win their trust by putting them first. If you do marry this guy, don't make any more babies with him. Take care of the babies you already have. This isn't all my opinion. Try listening to Dr. Laura on 1190AM 1-4 p.m. every day. She's awesome and she knows.

Why not think about through yur children's perpective? They have alsready been through 2 divorces and the pain that goies along with it. And 2nd and 3rd marriages have a higher rate of failure. Why not wait? If you guys are in love then yur love will not change if you are nt married. Your first priority is to your children and I think they have a valid point. Just wait!

S. - WHy are you living together? You are in a small home, with 5 kids, and not married? WHY do they have to live with him? Your poor children, They are being forced, for the THIRD time to bend to your wants! You don't need to be married, you need to focus on your kids! They are not almost 18! your boy is not 18 for 8 more years.
I agree with the other poster, you sound selfish. Why not move into your own home, connect with your children, and DATE your BOYFRIEND!! He is not your husband yet. And that will give you more time to just BE with your kids, focus on them, and make sure that they are happy.
Three marriages is a lot. SOmeone else pointed out, maybe you are to quick to marry. DATE! Make sure that you know him, use birth control, put your children first. Your kids are not angry about the man you have picked, they are mad that you have put a man above their feelings.
You both decided to have these kids, your daughter doesn't even live with you, PUT THEM FIRST!
I know I come accross angry and rude, maybe even disrespectful...ignore me if you want. But don't ignore your children. Some of these other mothers agree with what I am saying, your kids need a voice, and you are not listening to them, so maybe you will listen to some other mothers

S., I totally agree with molly, Beth and Laura, do you really expect your kids to act any differently after all you have put them through already. It's time to stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of your kids. Children have a right to a safe, secure, loving enviroment where they can be nurtured and grow into healthy well adjusted adults. All your marriages have already done considerable damage to them. Stop now and start helping them to heal instead of hurting them more. I have a sister that has been married 4 times and I now have her step son living with us because of what his parents have done to him. I have seen first hand the destruction of her two children from 2 different fathers and how they are seriously messed up now because of their mother's choices. when you chose to be a parent you chose to put your children first. that is what a parent does. It sound like all you have done is show you children how to have destructive relationships. It sounds like you need to stop daydreaming and get a good reality check. good luck, I hope you make the right choice for your children.

I hate to say it, but I agree with Kim. Why not just date until the kids are older. If they are unhappy, you two will be unhappy. They have had some hard times and someone needs to be looking out for them. I'm sure many people on here disagree, but we need to look out for our kids. You are not giving up your life, you are just putting it on hold for a bit for your kids. Gosh, I feel like Dr. Laura. I just think our kids are so important and getting them off to a good start is critical.

I'm a daydreamer and artist, too, S., and I know well the longings of the heart. I'll bet all responsible moms do, because when we choose sane motherhood, reality usually forces us to set our own desires aside for the sake of our precious children. They are the future, not us. I'm not saying you have no future, of course. But we begin creating a new future when we begin raising children, and we owe it to them to do it well.

I can almost guarantee that if you move forward into this marriage, you will be creating pure hell for the kids, and therefore, for yourself as well. Not a glowing future for any of you, and those stresses can eventually pull your newest relationship apart, and screw your children up for a long time to come.

You say you and your boyfriend make each other "so happy." What does that mean? If it's breathless sexual delight, that will change over time. Simple fact. If it's economic security that will allow you not to get outside employment, money is a poor tradeoff for your kid's mental health. If it's companionship, you can have that for as long as you want without joining families - just continue to spend time together. But don't exclude your kids, or you will eventually lose them emotionally.

If you believe in love, then be loving to your kids. They need emotional security. They need good adult behavior modeled for them. They need to see what a good parent does, or they will repeat your mistakes with another generation of miserable kids. Please put them first.

Yes, it costs. But it's what we sign up for when we have children. I should add, I remarried when my daughter was around 10, and had no idea how unhappy she was with my decision until the knot was tied. We all stuck it out, but it took a dozen years to get better, and there was so much pain for all of us in those years. I wish I had asked her more questions, gotten more advice, gone slower. I deeply regret the suffering my precious daughter experienced for my "happiness."

I know this is a tough time, however I think you should really consider what your children are saying. If they are really unhappy with the two of you getting married, maybe you shoudl wait unitl they are 18. Kida are a stress on a marriage and only make it more difficult when they dont want it.
Something to think about, remember your kids should be the number one thought with all your decisions. Just my thoughts.
Good luck.

Hmmmm, let's see... why wouldn't the kids be happy about the situation? In addition to sharing their parent with yet another partner that they have no reason to believe will be in their life permanently, now they have to share their parent and a small home with other kids as well. Teenagers have a hard enough time dealing with their own families, let alone moving them in with a new family that they don't like. This is a disaster in the making. Kids have the ability to make everyone's life hell. Before you even consider getting married, please please get yourself and these kids some counseling and attempt to resolve the situation. If you don't, eventually you'll find yourself thinking, "Why don't my kids like/trust husband #4?"

Hi S.,
I had to respond because I started laughing when I read your post.
This is the second marriage for my husband and me. And we have five kids collectively, too. I had a lot of doubts that I was doing the best thing for my children in getting remarried. But you have to follow your heart. You can't be a martyr and sacrifice your own happiness, thinking that is being a good mother. Your children surely don't hate you, but I know that it feels like they do sometimes. I can relate.

My two older children still feel angry that their father and I divorced. They didn't want things to change. I have tried telling them there are just grown-up issues in a marrriage that aren't acceptable to explain to small children. So they don't really 'get it'.
The big question I have for you both is : do you think you have what it takes to stay together forever?
I would encourage you two to go through some extensive pre-marital counseling before tying the knot. You have both been married before, TWICE, and that's not always about marrying the wrong person, it's about learning how to love and accept one another, despite your differences.
Love changes throughout time. And that first stage of always wanting to touch, and being head-over-heels, eventually turns into a steady simmer.

I am crazy about my husband. I couldn't believe it took me 35 years to meet him, but I am so glad we are together now. But I will be totally honest here: having FIVE kids causes a lot of stress on our marriage. We work really hard at keeping our relationship strong. It is our first priority, along with being good parents to our kids. I am being completely practical to warn you that there will definitely be struggles ahead for you two in the future. Good communication is the key to keeping your relationship strong, though.

If this man is someone who will work with you to build a strong marriage and family - then go for it.

You two are setting an example for your children, though. You are teaching them lessons about life and love through your actions. Marriage isn't something to take lightly. You are making a promise to stay with that person forever.

Since your children have been with you before your boyfriend, your responsibility is to them FIRST, then to your own happiness. That may mean having to wait to get married, at least until all of the childrens' issues with that potential marriage are resolved.

The kids may be afraid of loving someone just to have the possibility of the relationship ending again, with the 3rd marriage. They are the reason that marriage is supposed to be permanent. This helps the kids with a sense of security and stability. When this is taken away, they become more insecure and have a deep sense of loss and rejection.

The reason 2nd and 3rd marriages have such a high failure rate, as you probably already know, is because of the children that come with their own issues and baggage, and trying to sort it all out is a BIG job.

You have to do a lot of prep work before you marry, so that you will have a better chance. I would find a book on the subject - or several books (library is a great resource) and read about different approaches, then choose the best idea(s) to help yourself. This is an extremely complicated subject. Much too complicated in my opinion for this page.

I was lucky. When I remarried, I made sure that my 2 year old son liked/loved my boyfriend before I made a commitment. I decided I would NOT under any circumstances remarry to someone he didn't like. There were no other children involved in my second marriage. However, I've known lots of couples who have married successfully with blended families and some who were not successful.

Your childrens feelings will play a HUGE part in the success or failure of the 3rd marriage. Don't underestimate the impact they will have!

I think what is important here is to find out WHY the kids are not happy. Are they just being adolescents and argumentative? Do you and your boyfriend leave them out? Do they feel you and your boyfriend put each other first and them second?

You cannot talk them into changing their minds, but let them talk and explain why they oppose the marriage. They may have valid points and they definitely need to be heard. Just as they will be 18 soon so might be gone, you could wait a few years before getting married. There are many options. Good luck!

S.-
I am just reading your question and also read your bit about the what happened and then read the responses. I agree with you regarding your comments in the "what happened next" section. You are so right...MANY people on this website cast stones and are so very quick to judge when they are reading a fraction of what is really going on. It's one of the reasons I don't get on this website all that often. Too many out there being so critical of others while they think they have all the right answers and are the "perfect mom". I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, or a right/wrong way to do everything. It's case by case and I feel bad for you having to read such judgmental garbage. My jaw dropped when I read a couple of them, but I won't mention names...you know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Moms come here because they are looking for support, suggestions, ideas etc. not to be judged. If you don't have something supportive to say, keep your judgmental comments to yourself. Furthermore, my guess is that some of you throwing out your judgmental comments have NEVER experienced something like this. You can sit around all you want and say what you would or wouldn't do, but chances are when you find yourself in a similar circumstance, your opinion may be different. And do you really think anyone wants to be called "honey" by anyone other than a spouse or other close loved one, especially in that "tone"????? PLEASE!!!

Now, having said that, I do think you need to dig deep and find out the real issues of why your kids are having a hard time with this. There are the obvious ones, then the ones not so obvious. You mention you are on the poor side of things, but I would try and figure out a way to get some professional counseling for all of you. I'm not sure, but usually there are services out there where you can get some assistance. Probably will take a little research on your end...I wish I had a referral for you. If you can't find something, I would probably sit down and find the money to get professional counseling...it might be the best $$$ you have ever spent and well worth it in the long run. I would be cautious moving into another marriage until you, your boyfriend and all children can come together on this. I'm not saying you do or don't get married but I do think you weigh all pros and cons before getting married. Compromise is a good thing in any relationship so maybe between all of you, you can meet somewhere in the middle. I don't know what the middle is...maybe waiting to get married for a certain period of time, proving to the children that this is a commitment you both are willing to make for life. But be ready for some resistance on the kids end...if they have seen 2 failed marriages on each end they are going to be very hesitant to believe that this is "the one".

I'm sure neither one of you wanted to see yourselves in this position...both having 2 failed marriages, but things happen. Now you just need to do everything you can to make sure it doesn't happen again and you communicate with the children and listen to their feelings and talk things through before making any decisions on this. I believe you need to do what's best for you AND your children. It's going to take time, maybe lots of time!

I wish all of you the best of luck and hope that you are able to come together on this.

Well,

YOU need to look at yourself and also listen to the kids, With a third relationship ,honey you have issues. It seems you jump into situations to fast and regret them later without thinking them through. That is way to emotional hard on children. Honestly people are so selfish and wrapped up into themselves.

I read some of the advice after reading your question and agree with most of the advice that you should take things slowly and look for counseling for all of the kids and you and your boyfriend.

I honestly believe that the best things come to those who wait, and if you feel any negative vibes (especially from those that have dealt with multiple parents) then you should take that into consideration.

I of course do not know your whole situation, but if it is any solace, my best friend has 3 children, all by different men and she is married to the 4th one who brought a daughter from a prior marriage. It has been an adjustment for the oldest one of hers since she has had to adjust to all of the dad's (including hers since he wasn't there when she was little except to beat her mom). She is now in counseling and has told her mom that she wants to live with her dad due to her mom having so many boyfriends in the past. She explained that she felt her dad would take better care of her since he gave her what she wanted when she wanted it. This of course crushed her mom and her mom had to realize that sometimes, when life kicks you in the teeth, you have to let it go.

My point is that she took it slowly with the last guy that she is now married to and for the girls, it has worked out.

Her oldest daughter calls her husband "Daddy Jason" and the rest of the girls call him "dad" so just keep in mind that in time, hearts will heal and they all take their own time.

Just make sure to put the kiddos first when making such a big leap of faith on another marriage. I realize that it seems that he is the right one so far, but just take your time and make sure that everyone is comfortable with the situation.

Best of luck and I'm sorry for you feeling that others are so judgemental on this website. I try not to be and hope that you all work out to the best of your abilities.

Kim B.

I'm so sorry you've had some seriously vicious responses!

I would recommend you just take it slow - talk with your boyfriend, maybe drop the marriage subject for now, while around the kids. Postpone the wedding, and just slow things down - show your kids (yours and his) how 'real' this is, and let them all adjust to each other - and yourselves.

Kids do adjust - so let them, before things become official. Things are scarier when they're official.

Just my $.02.

The first step is understanding them. They are not upset because they don't like your boyfriend or because they don't want you to be happy. They have been through so much in their childhood, and they don't want to have to go through another divorce. They are afraid which also makes them angry and sad and confused and frustrated because you are calling the shots and making poor decisions that affect them just as much as you. I am not saying that you shouldn't get married, but you should stop treating the kids like they are keeping you from being happy because they are ungrateful brats. You and your boyfriend have created these feelings in the kids by bringing in one serious relationship after another and asking them to trust and grow closer and then ripping the person they have come to accept out from under their noses. You need to listen to your kids, stop rushing into things so freely, put your kids before what feels good to you at the moment and probably get your kids so counseling. There are enough free resources to help that there is no reason to make them go through this alone.

It sounds like they may not feel secure that this one is going to last since the other 2 didn't. Maybe point out the differences to them or go to family counseling so that they know that this time it is different.

I would say take it slow. Talk alot to your kids about it. Ask how they feel. Ask your kids how this might work. Ask them what would be the worst thing that would come out of it. Lots of discussions, lots of time, no need to hurry.

Hello,
I am some what the same place , I have a 15 year daughter from pervios marriage, and my boyfriend has a 21 yr old from pervious relationship. My daughter is having a hard time dealing with us getting married.She has trust issues because she has been though all my relationships. I have learned with her, it is time and trust. not to push. I think once they see YOU are in this for the right reason , in time they will be there for you. We both tell her how much we love her and at the same time do not allow her to be rude to HIM! The underline issue is they want their mother happy, they fear you will get hurt again so do not get attached. Be honest and open , no matter what they come back with because how you dealing with this is how they will learn to trust in it. Last but not lease , you must always set that time out for "yourself" it is healthly to have that, I gives you a sence of self, and weird but true your kids and boyfriend will find it as a positive and support you.

Ijust read thru the responses and I didn't see any judgement. I saw a lot of mothers giving you advice from their hearts; many from personal experiences.

It is a fact that multiple relationships are difficult for children. They become insecure, frightened, anxious, depressed, and act out those feelings in negative ways. This is not a judgement. It's just a fact shown to be true from thousands of people's experiences.

Can you look at this from each of the children's view point and treat them compassionatly? If you are to have a harmonius home, everyone's needs have to be taken into consideration. You are not a bad person because of your past relationships. You did the best that you could with the information you had at the time. Could you do some thinking about how those relationships have affected your children? And spend time with them letting them know that you are trying to understand their feelings. After that find a way to deal with everyone's feelings.

I suggest that counseling could help tremendously. Several organizations and some individual counselors provide counseling on a sliding scale for the fee.

You have a right to be happy. Your children also have a right to be happy. The only way that everyone can be happy is for everyone to have their feelings accepted. It is not a matter of pleasing everybody. It's a matter of everybody accepting everybody and working together to find a compromise that will work for everyone.

Maybe try living together for a while first. Especially if you have not been together for more than a year.

You can't expect them to just accept it. Talking won't always help - but being honest & open with your feelings keeps that door open for them to confide in you about many things.

I'm sure they don't hate you! Quite the opposite - they love you & don't want to see you hurt again!

They may be afraid of getting close to a new parent & losing that person later.

It will take time & there will be rough spots - hang in there!

S.,
I say make yourself happy, marry your boyfriend.My experience is that kids are generally never happy about change, especially if they've sufferred from divorce and parent's marital problems. This is where you get to prove them wrong, that change can actually be good AND improve their lives... that is if this change will actually improve their lives.
I'm a stepmother of 2 girls who did not really want their father to move on and fall in love again. We all live together full-time now and I have introduced many changes to the way they had been living since not having a female parent in the house for yrs. It has not been an easy ride, blending families never is, but now the girls are flourishing! Remember that you are looking out for their best interest as their parent, and a mother/father team w/ a healthy relationship is the best role model for them!
Some of these mothers and their responses sound down right nasty, I guess it is easy for them to judge others.. Many details are unknown here, my biggest suggestion is to set up some family therapy sessions to make sure this is the right decision for all.

no it will just take time for them to ajust this is new for them and also prob scary for them.a nea parent figure is always hard for kids to get used 2 and accept

Well, I have NO experience with this S.. But my gut tells me that you can't sell them on it. It's just going to take time for them to see if it works for them. Kids don't like to be disappointed anymore than adults do. Just show them in your actions how happy you each are and how much you both love them all and they should come around. It has to be hard and I wish you a ton of luck.